Grandmother undermining me already... help!

[Haleana]

Hi,

I have a four month old son who is already learning how to get people to pick him up if he cries. This is beginning to be a problem and I have been trying to teach him that I will not just pick him up if he doesn't need something as soon as he makes a whimper.

Recently I have been leaving him for longer periods in his pushchair if he is not fussing and then waiting until I know he really needs something before I pick him up.

My mother-in-law owns the local hairdressers and I was in there for a wash and blowdry on Friday. I left my son in his chair at reception under the watch of some of the girls. I instructed all of them including my MIL that he was not to be picked up unless he was screaming his lungs out and upsetting customers.

By the time I had got to the basins and had my hair washed, my MIL had taken him out of his chair and was walking him around the salon.

She knew that this was not what I wanted because she kept saying to him 'Ooh Mummy's going to be angry with me now because I picked you up'.

When I asked her why, she said that he had started to cry and she didn't know what to do. He hadn't, I would have heard from where I was. I told her that she was weak. She then said 'Well if it's any consolation he gave me such a big smile when I picked him up'! I couldn't believe it! I said 'THAT IS THE PROBLEM! THIS IS WHY I'M TRYING TO LEAVE HIM FOR A BIT!' She just laughed it off and then walked away with him, leaving me surrounded by gobsmacked staff in my chair.

There have been other occasions where me and my husband have tried to tell her how we want our son raised and about things we would and would not tolerate and she has gone against it. We said that we never wanted him to co-sleep with ANYONE. She replied by saying it was 'what grandparents do' with their grandkids and that she should be able to. In the salon she told her customers that we were being unfair and that it is her 'right' as a grandparent to share a bed with her grandchild!

How on earth do I deal with this? She lives a few hundred yards away from us and expects to see us at least 1-3 times a week (my parents see him maybe once a fortnight if they're lucky). I don't want to ruin the relationship but at the same time I can't deal with her being like this. She's not trying to be difficult, I honestly think that she is just completely obsessed with her first grandchild but I'm worried it will have an impact on how we want to raise him.

Anyone been in this kind of situation before? If so, what the hell do you do???!!!

I remember the first few months of my DS life as being grim beyond words tbh. Are you getting any sleep at all? Any help that you feel you can accept.

So glad you have a good HV.

Not everyone gets the overwhelmingness. But they still love their child - in their own, quiet, deep and personal way. I remember being taken by surprise with my first, only realising that I loved him when I saw him crying in someone else's arms.

Certainly an upsetting birth can influence your feelings long after you think you should br 'over it'. But there's no 'should' about it. Your feelings about your labour are personal to you, you don't have to conform to someone else's notions. Ave you had the opportunity for a debrief with a specialist midwife? This can be a very healing experience, and worth looking into.

You are so good fir your ds. You are the sun and the moon for him and nobody can replace you in his universe.

PrettyCandles puts is so well

Have a chat to your HV - it sounds to me that you will come through this fog as you are searching for help.

I hope tonight you can catch some sleep and sleep when the baby sleeps.

Be happy that your baby has a loving grandparent to cuddle him and help you.
Many mums don't have anyone to help them out.
I'm a grandma to 13, and each family has different boundaries for grandparents. Take the help when it's offered, but at the same time, make your boundaries clear from the beginning.

Haleana - you might want to start yourself another support thread - link from this one; just because people sometimes pile in, only read the original post, and then you'll get lots of criticism again, which just won't help. Do talk to your HV- while the foggy feeling and crying along with the baby aren't unusual, if they are how you are feeling most of the time, that is maybe a sign that you need more help.

PND can make you feel like a not good enough mother, but the crucial thing is that it doesn't mean that's true. My best friend had PND with both her children, but is a just fantastic mother.

Thanks everyone. Feeling weepy again now but this time because of how touched I am with all your advice!

My DH is amazing at helping me and has subtly suggested I see someone about my ever-extending low spells. I've been brushing it off since he first suggested it four months ago. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and speak to the HV.

There have been times where I've sat howling in the front room and Henry has been howling in his bouncer in front of me and the cat has been miaowing at the top of her lungs on the floor between us! I think we all need help!

Marjoriew I did not find your post particularly helpful, many mums do not have anyone to help them - but that is not really the point - is it?? Each situation is different.

Gonna start a new thread now (thanks NobleFrangipani), if your interested, come and find me!

Thank you so much to you all! Probably wouldn't have come this far without you all.

I would speak to your HV - it can only help.

Glad you are feeling good about MN again. Keep posting.

Haleana, if it's any comfort, my mum had been working with babies for 17 years before we were born. She'd seen it all before, got the t-shirt. I was her second baby, and she told me that one day she was sitting on the bed, I was crying, she was crying, it wasn't pretty. My dad came in, and said "why is she crying?" Mum wailed "I DON'T KNOW!!" Dad (bonkers) said "I thought you were supposed to know all this".

How they've been married 40+ years is beyond me.

Haleana - all the very best on the new thread.

Big Cuddles to you and your Henry and wishing you strength and the continuing support of your DH.

Just want to second what everyone is saying. You're doing a great job, you have been far stronger than I would be if I'd posted and had such a reaction (IYSWIM?).

Well done for being open minded and wanting to do the best for your son.

And have to say, I think baby's are difficult to "bond" with in first few months. When their personalities begin to emerge and develop, sooo much easier.

Am off to bed now but am sure you'll get much support from those on here without 5am larks as children.

Oh can also say, carried ds2 around with me constantly for first 6-9 months and he wouldn't tolerate anyone else, yet at 3 years old all I hear now is "not you Mummy" so can definately say that you won't spoil him for life!

Ha ha! Thanks again guys. Feeling a little wobbly but at least I know what to do when Henry wakes up and cries at me CUDDLE CUDDLE CUDDLE!!! xxxx

haleana, you and your son are growing and learning together, there's no way you'll ever get everything right.
Try not to put so much pressure on yourself and your son.

I had pnd, I've got through it now and it wasn't until I was better that I realised how bad things were at their worst.

spending a few days doing noting but lolling around with your baby is a great way to reconnect, my DD is nearly 3 now and when we're having a difficult time we still just get in the bath together and the physical closeness helps me remember why she's so wonderful.

'skin to skin' contact is important for a mother and a small baby, spend a morning dozing and tickling and playing in bed together, don't put pressure on yourself to 'get things done' there is a lifetime ahead of juggling work and running a house and making sure everyone's had a decent meal, the first few months with your first baby are a very precious time, you don't have to worry about anything but him.

be kind to yourself

xx

Hi Haleana,

Think you have been very open minded on this thread.

I had a traumatic birth with dc1 and was quite detached for a long while. I felt the PND questionnaire never asked the right questions! It asks if would harm your child or yourself which neither I or you would, don't know about you I just felt really isolated, sad and sometimes wished I was still pg and not faced with the reality of a baby I wasn't quite sure what to do with! In hindsight, I should have gone to see my GP rather than suffer through 9 tricky months which only relieved itself when I returned to work p/t. Definitely speak with your HV. And if you are still suffering physically go back to the GP or get a referral to Women's Health.

Can also remember getting conflicting advice about not over cuddling, let them cry for a bit, not make a rod for your own back etc. to 'I never let my child cry once!'

However, babies do like to be cuddled, they've been cuddled up to you inside the womb, and there is some theory about them not even realising they are separate from you until much older, so enjoy and cuddle your baby, he won't come to any emotional harm or turn out to be a demanding child. He'll all too soon be at that wriggling off your lap stage and investigating your cupboards

Slings are fab for letting them feel close to you and allowing you to get on, or do you have one of those bouncy seats so they are alongside you? Of course babies will cry, mine grizzled when they went off to sleep particularly. It doesn't mean you have to throw everything else out that you've decided; I quite like routines for babies, other friends are totally go with the flow.

Re grandmother, let her cuddle ds, she's showing him off. Agree with the others about her co-sleeping though. Start getting her to babysit if she's keen, to allow you some time as a couple, maybe during the day?

Good luck

Link to Haleana's new thread

Not read whole thread yet but suprised at the tone of the replies!

Your MIL sounds a bit like mine - she constantly picks him up when he's quite happy playing on his mat or something and also lifts him out of my arms without saying a word which infuriates me - its as if she thinks she has right to be holding him at all times whne she's around and also won't let gdad have a cuddle without a fuss drives me insane! DS is 4 months old too and I've not worked out how to deal with her yet (save from bitching about her annoying-ness!) but just wanted to say your not only one to worry about it, its very frustrating when they think they have a say in how you raise your child and have no respect for your parenting choices. My MIL is always telling us what she thinks we should be doing with him and passing judgement - quick eg, she said we shouldn't be giving him infacol cos "they didn't have that in my day" despite fact it helped his discomfort enormously - did she want him to be in pain????

Oh also totally understand what your trying to do re not picking hom up straight away, I don't think your teaching him that "mummy doesn't meet my needs" (someone mentioning NSPCC ad was seriously out of order imo - ffs!!!) I really do think they are capable of shouting for attention at this age, and they are starting to realise the effect of their action - I know my DS capable of this, he has a "fake cry" he does when he's not got 100% of my attention sometimes and I can tell the difference and the second I pay him attention he's all smiles again.
Your ds will be just fine grumbling for a few mins if you can see to him straight away, its not practicle to always pick him up the instant he grumbles (god forbid you may want to go for a pee in peace!)

Anyway sorry no helpful advice, just wanted to say completely understand your frustration!

X

Hi, I think you shouldn't deny your baby cuddles, there is a strong chance he could become emotionally damaged if you do and I think needing cuddles is as much of a need as feeding/changing etc.

I'm sorry but I think your MIL and the people in the hairdressers must have thought you a bit nuts!

As to the co-sleeping, I think if you explain the cot death risks in co sleeping as opposed to the not wanting to comfort him she will understand better.

I think it'd be a good idea to join a baby group and try to just enjoy the babyhood months with him without expecting 'good behaviour' from him as babies aren't manipulative but do need responsive behaviour back from you.

I am a Grandmother and if my daughter had ever left her 4 month old to cry[which she never would]I'd have been appalled.At 4 months they are not 'trying' anything.If they cry they need attention.If you wait till he is 'screaming his lungs out' then you are teaching him that he has to really scream before you attend to him.If he is reassured by you picking him up at once then he will gradually be secure enough to play happily for a while.[I've only read first page as in a rush].As far as your m-i-l goes I dont think many grannies could leave a crying baby whatever mum had said.I bet she is really worried about your treatment of your baby.
YANBU re co-sleeping.

Sorry should have read the rest before posting.

To those who are not reading the whole thread before submitting:

I am now cuddling when Henry asks for it rather than leaving him to cry. I needed some advice because I was really struggling with a number of issues and this was one of them.

Unfortunately there have been some rather aggressive posters on this thread but most replies have been very helpful. I have started another thread as this one has led to a question over whether I may be suffering with PND. If you would like to follow this then please do.

So although the cuddling issue may be solved for now. It is one of several, including health issues, which I am trying desperately to sort out.

Once again, thank you to all those posters who have provided such sound advice.

I Have read all posts haleana ( with patience )and I'm not gonna judge or give any more advice than everyone has done as I'm just as unclued as u are ( if that's a word lol)

just wanted to wish u luck in the future with u and your DS and hope things improve health wise for u and with your MIL.
It's not at all easy being a first time mum, I know with my 5mth old.
Good luck

sparkleshine Thank you very much for that. It's bloody difficult isn't it! Worth it though. Thank you again.

Hey Haleana, just wanted to say that co-sleeping is generally considered unsafe IF it is not the mother (plus the father) doing it (along
with various other factors like no alcohol, no drugs, no heavy sleepers, breastfeeding, not loads of covers/pillows etc), so if your MIL mentions it again you could just tell her that the medical evidence says it is unsafe for your baby to sleep with her. If she pushes it point out it would put your baby at risk, and you know that as a loving grandma, she wouldn't want that would she? Hopefully that would do the trick!

Agree with the other posters, I have a 4 month old and it is seriously hard work - be kind to yourself, you are doing really well