Grandmother undermining me already... help!

[Haleana]

Hi,

I have a four month old son who is already learning how to get people to pick him up if he cries. This is beginning to be a problem and I have been trying to teach him that I will not just pick him up if he doesn't need something as soon as he makes a whimper.

Recently I have been leaving him for longer periods in his pushchair if he is not fussing and then waiting until I know he really needs something before I pick him up.

My mother-in-law owns the local hairdressers and I was in there for a wash and blowdry on Friday. I left my son in his chair at reception under the watch of some of the girls. I instructed all of them including my MIL that he was not to be picked up unless he was screaming his lungs out and upsetting customers.

By the time I had got to the basins and had my hair washed, my MIL had taken him out of his chair and was walking him around the salon.

She knew that this was not what I wanted because she kept saying to him 'Ooh Mummy's going to be angry with me now because I picked you up'.

When I asked her why, she said that he had started to cry and she didn't know what to do. He hadn't, I would have heard from where I was. I told her that she was weak. She then said 'Well if it's any consolation he gave me such a big smile when I picked him up'! I couldn't believe it! I said 'THAT IS THE PROBLEM! THIS IS WHY I'M TRYING TO LEAVE HIM FOR A BIT!' She just laughed it off and then walked away with him, leaving me surrounded by gobsmacked staff in my chair.

There have been other occasions where me and my husband have tried to tell her how we want our son raised and about things we would and would not tolerate and she has gone against it. We said that we never wanted him to co-sleep with ANYONE. She replied by saying it was 'what grandparents do' with their grandkids and that she should be able to. In the salon she told her customers that we were being unfair and that it is her 'right' as a grandparent to share a bed with her grandchild!

How on earth do I deal with this? She lives a few hundred yards away from us and expects to see us at least 1-3 times a week (my parents see him maybe once a fortnight if they're lucky). I don't want to ruin the relationship but at the same time I can't deal with her being like this. She's not trying to be difficult, I honestly think that she is just completely obsessed with her first grandchild but I'm worried it will have an impact on how we want to raise him.

Anyone been in this kind of situation before? If so, what the hell do you do???!!!

Someone said something about first and subsequent babies - what you learn when you have 2nd and 3rd children is that they are not made of spun glass. They are a heck of a lot tougher than you realise with your first, and they don't need to be parented in such detail. Many of us micro-manage our PFBs (Precious FirstBorns ) and don't realise how unnecessary that was until ewe havea second dc.

You don't need to pick them up at first cry, but you shouldn't leave them to wait until they're howling.

BTW I totally agree with you re the co-sleeping. That's for mum and dad only, IMO. Plus of course any older siblings who've had a bad dream and crept in as well!

aw, don't feel bad. You love your son and all you are trying to do is what you feel is best for him.

That's all any of us do.

We all have different views on it, and you asked so you got them. Don't be upset. People are trying to help you, even if it doesn't seem like it.

Stand your ground on the co sleeping but use her to your full advantage regarding th eholding him. You say he never lets up but using her could give you the break you need while giving him what he needs.

I'mgonnalive
I picked up all mine when they got upset. I still do and I have four. If anything dc4 will be begging me to put him down soon. I carry him in a sling too. I still often have a wee with him sat on my lap

imgonna, i feel there's a difference between finishing your coffee/phone conversation/changing the toddler before picking up your baby, and deliberately delay picking them up because you are applying an arbitrary rule because you are so tired and stressed. That IMO is likely to make your response to your child more tense and grudging, and to increase your stress.

Heleana, a four-month old baby is tough. Really tough. We do sympathise - we have all been there (shudder). I thought, reading baby books, that things would be fairly linear: very hard at the beginning and gradually easier and easier, so that if things went downhill, I must be doing something wrong. But babies change so much all the time (usually just as you think you have figured them/motherhood out), and what people find difficult varies so much that it isn't that simple.

In a way, your baby IS being manipulative, but in a good way - he has already learned that you will respond to him, or he would have given up already. Don't swing the other way and think you have to jump to it every single moment. Your MIL may be a pain, but she has a relationship with your son, so use that to give yourself a break!!

here is a review of why love matters

Did you wake him up?? >

Don't feel bad.

You are obviously trying to do your best for your baby. Just like the rest of us. None of us find it easy

I think guilt is an integral part of being a mother. I feel guilty on a daily basis.

Can you husband share with the cuddles and help you out more.

For example today my husband has changed every nappy and played with my cuddlemaniac while I have rested surfed mumsnet all day, just leaving me the breastfeeding.

i would try a sling/baby carrier. i've noticed with my DD that if she's in that for a long time she tends to want to lie down by herself for a while. just pick him up frequently before he cries and as soon as he cries and he'll realise you will be there for him when he needs you. also your MIL has no right to be co sleeping with your child, i'm really quite shocked about that, to be honest if my MIL thought she had a right to sleep with my 4 mth DD she wouldn't be looking after her, she should respect how you want to raise your baby.

No don't worry I didn't wake him up lol!

Thank you everyone. This is why I use this website! It is really hard and I have no doubt that it will get harder!

I've never heard of PFB syndrome but you're probably right, I probably am suffering with it! Looks like I've got some reading to do!

i'm wondering if all is well with you, OP - you said you're feeling stressed and not really coping too well
it's not usual for new mothers to make their babies wait to be picked up - it's usual to want to cuddle them and hold them as much as you can - although this can be overwhelming and tiring, and we all need a break sometimes
but it isn't usual IMO for a new mother to be trying to train her baby not to need her, and for her to tell other people not to pick the baby up unless it is screaming
do you think you may be a bit depressed after the birth?
i'm finding your posts a bit worrying

This is an interesting thread -I'm sure it's taken a lot of us back not just to the days when we had a baby attached at the hip, but also to the drastic reassessments if our lives, opinions, attitudes and parenting that we go through over and over during our 'careers' as parents.

Your first posts sounded very stressed and rigid. I wondered whether there were other issues in the background. But then you started relaxing and opening your mind to other ideas. That's good.

Do not worry about PFB (precious first born) syndrome - every baby is just as precious. I am sure and sometimes I feel people use this term to try tell you not to worry too much about your baby (which is nigh impossible for me).

If you have time to read do, but I am sure you are super busy with your little one.

Enjoy the cuddles and I hope you can get some quality sleep.

I think I might have given the impression that the grandmother already co-sleeps with my son. This isn't the case but she wants to. As of yet I have refused to let him be looked after by her overnight for this very reason!

This is worrying me a lot as I think she also expects for us to hand him over for a night very soon and I'm just not comfortable with that yet. What a saga!

Excerpt from Couple - it isn't usual IMO for a new mother to be trying to train her baby not to need her, and for her to tell other people not to pick the baby up unless it is screaming.

IMO - There is a whole industry out there of baby trainers - and because of this I believe it is becoming more and more common for new mums to believe that they need not pick up their babies.

Haleana - it is hard, and the idea of making a rod for your own back is pervasive, I know. But you will never regret time spent cuddling your child, I promise, and there's no habit formed at this age which they can't be gently and kindly weaned off when they are old enough for it - he's in the habit of just drinking milk and pooing in a nappy just now, after all, and you know that wwon't last for ever.

You sound great, tbh - open to new ideas, to admitting you might be wrong, to wanting to rush up and cuddle your baby. All wonderful things in a parent, I reckon.

Cuddle him while you can, and look back and laugh when he's 3 and saying "Noooo, mummy, I wantto Get DOWN!"

Well, that's fine - you absolutely do not have to hand him over until you are good and ready.

If she goes on about it, I would respond by saying YES we would love to have an evening out but we will be back by midnight. She really won't steal him, even if she teases you a bit by saying you are too clingy (or one of those annoying things long-established parents say to new parents - just like on here ) and how will you manage when he goes to school etc etc, as if that wasn't a million years away! You're quite right, he's only been here for 16 weeks - HE is new to all this too.

CoupleofKooks - The thought of depression after birth has crossed my mind but I don't really know how it would manifest itself. To be honest I have been worried about how all the mums in my baby groups have been going on about how they just look at their babies and want to cry with love and amazement at them. I just don't get that. Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything. I just feel a little detached and sometimes it does worry me. I have never been a very emotional person but don't know how I should feel right now. I had a very traumatic birth with my son which neither of us have healed from properly and wonder if this may have contributed to how I feel now. I want so desperately to feel that overwhelming love for him that everyone kept telling me would come but now that I still haven't had that feeling, I just feel like I'm not good enough for him.

It's all so confusing. I thought that crying along with him sometimes is just something that new mums do when they're sleep deprived and stressed out. Maybe it's not. I don't know!

(Apologies for the deepness of that post. It's all getting a little serious now).

..and to give you an example of such modern madness, when I had my baby a good friend was very ill, and so I was juggling my 2 week baby and caring for my friend - as she had no family near her.

Some of my friends got together, saw I was on maternity leave and wanted me to leave the baby to visit friend in hospital every day - when I explained I was breastfeeding - they said - with no hint of irony - oh your going to have to express your milk. I was completely shocked - these friends all worked and thought I could just use my maternity leave by leaving my baby and going to the hospital.

I remember taxi rides to the hospital and feeling awful that I had left my baby behind. It was awful, but my DH supported me.

In the end I contacted a cancer charity to help out but I was shocked at how my needs nor that of the baby were really thought through by some of my friends.

My daughter has always co slept with her beloved Grandmother. My Mil lives in a tiny flat and
has no room for a cot.
It's enhanced their bond no end. I'm afraid I don't
get why so many people think it's so wrong or weird. Why is cosleeping for parents only? What a strange idea.

OP - well my idea of baby groups maybe was not such a good one. Can you contact your hospital and try go through your notes? This may be helpful for you to come to terms with the birth.

I wonder if you feel able to have a chat with someone about how you are feeling? Is your HV nice? Mine was excellent.

I too did not feel an immediate bond with my first baby. It took a while. I believe I actually did have PND but I had no treatment for it, which I regret now as I feel I could have felt better sooner.

I think it is normal to cry through sleep deprivation, I think it is normal to not feel an instant bond with your baby but it could also be signs of something more serious. Do you feel able to talk to anyone about it?

And I really hope you can heal soon, it is tough and maybe your GP can help??

Difficult. I would say that love definitely grows over time, so just not feeling a rush of love early on is not a problem per se.

Traumatic birth, sometimes detached, sometimes crying etc etc; none of these necessarily equals depression, but don't spend time trying to work it out; go and see your health visitor (if nice) or your doctor and say that things are tough and you've been wondering if they really have to be THIS tough.

I had what anyone else would consider a very straightforward birth and I still found it useful to contact the hospital and make an appointment for a midwife to go through the birth notes with me. Most hospitals offer this service now.

Yeah I think I could talk to someone about it. My HV is really lovely. Coincidentally she's coming round in a week to do the PND questionnaire again. I think she may have suspicions of me suffering a little as she usually does these at the clinic but insisted on coming to my house for some reason.

I don't know. I just feel like I'm wandering through fog a lot of the time.

Also meant to say that threads on here have helped me understand that many people don't feel that overwhelming love to begin with.

I promise it will come. You are not unusual.