Grandmother undermining me already... help!

[Haleana]

Hi,

I have a four month old son who is already learning how to get people to pick him up if he cries. This is beginning to be a problem and I have been trying to teach him that I will not just pick him up if he doesn't need something as soon as he makes a whimper.

Recently I have been leaving him for longer periods in his pushchair if he is not fussing and then waiting until I know he really needs something before I pick him up.

My mother-in-law owns the local hairdressers and I was in there for a wash and blowdry on Friday. I left my son in his chair at reception under the watch of some of the girls. I instructed all of them including my MIL that he was not to be picked up unless he was screaming his lungs out and upsetting customers.

By the time I had got to the basins and had my hair washed, my MIL had taken him out of his chair and was walking him around the salon.

She knew that this was not what I wanted because she kept saying to him 'Ooh Mummy's going to be angry with me now because I picked you up'.

When I asked her why, she said that he had started to cry and she didn't know what to do. He hadn't, I would have heard from where I was. I told her that she was weak. She then said 'Well if it's any consolation he gave me such a big smile when I picked him up'! I couldn't believe it! I said 'THAT IS THE PROBLEM! THIS IS WHY I'M TRYING TO LEAVE HIM FOR A BIT!' She just laughed it off and then walked away with him, leaving me surrounded by gobsmacked staff in my chair.

There have been other occasions where me and my husband have tried to tell her how we want our son raised and about things we would and would not tolerate and she has gone against it. We said that we never wanted him to co-sleep with ANYONE. She replied by saying it was 'what grandparents do' with their grandkids and that she should be able to. In the salon she told her customers that we were being unfair and that it is her 'right' as a grandparent to share a bed with her grandchild!

How on earth do I deal with this? She lives a few hundred yards away from us and expects to see us at least 1-3 times a week (my parents see him maybe once a fortnight if they're lucky). I don't want to ruin the relationship but at the same time I can't deal with her being like this. She's not trying to be difficult, I honestly think that she is just completely obsessed with her first grandchild but I'm worried it will have an impact on how we want to raise him.

Anyone been in this kind of situation before? If so, what the hell do you do???!!!

And agree with Prettycandles - a grandmother who dotes on the children and who they will stay with/go to very happily is a godsend!

Haleana, I too would find more than one visit a week from my MIL extremely tough, BUT your son won't. I don't blame you for wanting to space out your attention to your son - ds was a wonderfully easy baby once he was mobile, but before he was mobile he really could not be left for more than about 30 seconds because he wanted to be where the action was. This is totally normal but very wearing!! which is where relatives/friends/total strangers come in - IMO hand him over to your MIL and if you find it hard to watch her hold him for so long, tell her you are off to town to catch a film!

I don't blame you either re the co-sleeping. But I must say that your posts do come across a bit 'heavy' and possibly your MIL is naturally a bit of a naughty rebel and hates to be told what to do - can you approach this a little bit differently? Maybe talk to her about how she looked after your dh so that it's more of a chat than a list of orders, and perhaps you can find a compromise - like limiting the hours he could co-sleep with her? e.g. to 5am onwards or something?? To be honest, I'm so envious of the amount of overnight childcare you appear to be getting that I'm struggling to sympathise! but I do remember that panicky feeling that my deepest fears weren't being taken seriously by my parents, and that I had to lay down the law. Understand that you hold ALL the power here, you really do; you are totally irreplaceable to your son. But true power is shown by a bit of give an take to those who have less of it, IMO. Hope things settle, and enjoy your son, because he clearly loves to be with you.

Well we can all understand the 'not being able to get anything done' because the baby wants cuddling all day.

But the point is you were getting something done - i.e. your hair. And your MIL was there to respond to your baby's needs and give him a cuddle for you. Surely that's a good thing that you have family who are willing to do this for you if you need a bit of a break.

Much better to utilise the family you have rather than teaching your baby to go without cuddles.

Okay amidst all the pretty aggressive responses there were a few there that made me realise that I've been getting the wrong end of the stick with this.

So, am I right in thinking:

I should pick up baby as soon as he needs it rather than leaving him to cry a little longer as this will have an adverse effect to what I'm trying to achieve?

The only thing that I'm trying to do here is the best for my son. I have never done this before. Like I said, if I've been going about it the wrong way then I'll deal with it, I just needed some advice. Unfortunately in trying to attain some from this thread I have only succeeded in achieving even less confidence from a lot of the responses.

However, the few of you who actually explained how this works in an acceptable manner, thank you. I'll be less hard on the grandmother with this in mind. BUT I shall be speaking to her about her having my back with decisions in the future and asking her to talk to me if she thinks that my decisions are bad ones.

Now please - there's no need to be so aggressive!

Yes Yes Yes it is normal - do you know that in some cultures babies are carried for 6 months??

I am sure it is sometimes difficult with a little one but do consider cuddling and letting others cuddle your baby.

My baby wanted to be cuddled all the time - and you know what a few months on he is quite happy to play independently.

Try reading your babies cues before he cries and it will be a lot less stressful - i,e, if he is lifting his arms to you and looking at you then pick him up.

Good Luck!!

maktaitai and chihiro - thank you very much. I'm getting it.

Been super-stressed with everything recently and feel like I'm losing grip a little sometimes. This just adds to the stress!

Haleana - someone mentioned the book "Why love Matters" by Sue Gerhardt earlier in this thread. Get yourself a copy and read it. It will open your eyes.

Re your MIL, I can truly sympathise because it is a very hard time coping with a new baby, formulating/modifying your parenting ideas, getting used to the extra input from all and sundry, and having such strong feelings about how you want things to be done. But in 2 years time this will have faded to minor disapproval that she's fed him an entire bar of Dairy Milk before breakfast, or something. Perspective will come and it will all be so much easier, I promise.

Just please read the book, you sound like someone who likes facts and information to base their decisions on - this book has lots of both.

Whoooah, sorry OP that you've had no supportive and understanding responses.

I totally understand that you wouldn't want to pick up your child at the first whimper. I am the same, as are generations before us (once you have more than one child the baby doesn't get instant attention anyway. I'd be interested to see if all these irate posters pick up their second child at the first whimper of if they leave them for a couple of minutes cos they're taking dc1 to the loo.

this might be of interest?

Why love matters is quite a tough read but worthwhile.

I did co-sleep with my DC but would be very unhappy if someone else tried to.

Yes, I think your baby will be more likely to be independent when they are older if their needs are met now.

I should pick up baby as soon as he needs it rather than leaving him to cry a little longer as this will have an adverse effect to what I'm trying to achieve?

yes.

Leaving your baby to cry will not help him to become confident and secure. It may very well stop him from crying for you - because he will learn that you don't pick him up when he needs you. Give him attention when he needs it. In time he will need it less because he will know you are always there.

He's only 4 months old. that's what? 16 weeks? He's not doing anything other than acting on instinct atm. He's not a little adult, thinking through his strategy. He's a baby. He cries when he needs his mum - food, warmth and yes, just because he needs the security of being held by his mum, because it makes him feel safe. On an instinctive (as opposed to intellectual!) level he knows he is vulnerable.

Thank you OhExpletive, I'll give it a look. It's so hard to know what is 'right'. And so easy to get carried away with your idea of what is, even when it's wrong...

I also think that a necessary wait before you can deal with a child is totally different to deliberately waiting to respond to a child.

I did in fact have to carry my second child a great deal more than my first, she was just like that.

"I'd be interested to see if all these irate posters pick up their second child at the first whimper of if they leave them for a couple of minutes cos they're taking dc1 to the loo. "

I do have 2. 9y & 11y. there's 15 months between them. So I juggled 2 babies and still picked them up when they cried.

Not that I was irate, I don't think anyway.

And about your mother in law, mine is exactly the same, very bossy about what we do with the children, always insisted on rocking ds1 to sleep cos she "couldn't bear to hear him crying" (like I really enjoyed it!!). Result was that she was the only one who could never get him to go to sleep.

It is infuriating at times. You have to just pick your battles, speak to yr husband to make sure you present a united front on the issues that really matter. I wouldn't let her co-sleep if you don't want, but I would just let her pick him up cos it's easier. As he gets older he will just learn that he can muck her about but not you.

The grandmum should appreciate that you do not want your baby co-sleeping.

It is really tough with a little baby. It is positive that you have come on here for some tips. If it helps I always found that it was best if I was led by my baby.

It is tough being a new parent. You will find your own way.

I prefer not to comment on your parenting choices - we all make them - and we're not always right. You learn as you go, I think.

Regardless, they are your choices to make and your MiL should respect your choices whether she agrees with you or not.But you may need to pick your battles. Grannies want to cuddle their GC's and it's hard to tell them not to without it sounding petty. But the co-sleeping thing is a fight worth having as it is truly undermining you. It is not recommended to co-sleep so find some info on it and explain the risks. She loves your DS so should be easily persuaded that, although it's lovely for her, it may not be good for him.

Ask her if her Mum/MiL had lots of input with her DC and if so how did it make her feel. Both of you need to see this from each others side.

and no-one can deny that there are always those moments when you have to shout to your crying baby.. "Oh for goodness sake, I'll be there in a minute, you're all right really!"

It's hard isn't it?
So glad you posted as I think you have had some really good advice here.
It will get easier and then harder and then a bit easier and then hard again and then really hard and then easier again ad infinitum 'til you're ninety (probably - I'm only at 18 mo - dealing with toddler issues now!)
All the best and
cuddle cuddle cuddle!

Just a thought do you go to any baby groups - they are good to vent at and be with others going through the same stages as you??

A sling is a really good idea. I remember that feeling of not being able to get anything done because of a demanding baby. But seriously, he's not been in the world very long and he needs you. As others have said, if you respond to his needs now, you'll reap the benefits later. Good luck

I think sometimes I forget how young my son is. It feels like he has been with us forever! Now I just want to cry and go and wake him up for a cuddle!

Haleana, as you get more used to it you will figure out what to do, but having a MIL telling you what to do does definitely make it harder.

Attachment theory parenting is one of many theories, so do read up but don't think it's the only way. You could read 10 books and they will all tell you different things. It comes down to what's in fashion at the moment really.

Obviously letting a child scream is damaging, but there is a world of difference between whimpering and screaming.

nooooooooooooooooooooooooo - don't do it