Are the first few months really that bad?

[LittleAmy]

I'm due to give birth to my first baby in July. I've heard that the first few months with a newborn are hell on earth. Is this true? Here are some of the snippets of 'advice' I've heard:

"Having a baby is like throwing a grenade into your marriage".

"You and your husband will fight all the time."

"Your relationship with your husband will completely change to one of point scoring and arguing over who does the most".

"He will look forward to his paternity leave ending".

"Your baby will demand feeding every few hours. Your boobs will be red raw."

"You might not be able to breast feed and thus feel like a failure of a woman".

"You will be knackered and hardly have the time/enegery to even wash".

"New born babies are boring. You don't get any feedback from them."

"Your house will be a tip. There will be no time or energy to tidy."

"A million people will want to visit - and remember your house is a tip".

"Also you look like a tip. No time to do hair and makeup."

"Sex drive takes a nose-dive. Almost becoming non-existent".

"You'll bleed for 6 weeks and it will hurt to pee."

"Postnatal depression - you become isolated and constantly weepy."

"Finish the nursery now because you will not have the time or eneregy to finish it once baby is here".

"You will lose any childless friends because you will not have time for them."

"No time to go out or even watch a movie on the sofa."

"3 hours sleep per night."

"Forget the things you love to do now - your love of books, video games, the gym, and the other things you do to unwind. There will be no time for leisure."

Sources for the above statements: books, forums, NCT classes, family and friends.

Strange how no one said these things to me when I was TTC.

Well, I have pizza and a beer. Baby is chilling in play thingy DS1 is watching ghostbusters and I am MNing.

DS2 is 6 weeks old - I am reasonably certain this doesn't resemble hell - though the pile of clean washing that needs to get put away could be mildly demonic.

oh and DH is dicking around on his iphone thing.

Oh no SOME things are true for SOME people I suppose.

Try to focus on the good things too:

it brought DP and I closer together we were now a family

DD1 was an angel baby who slept and fed very well from the off

I had loads of time to spare I was bored

It's great being a Mum you want to spend every minute with your new baby.

I wouldn't have changed a minute. I know have a 3 day old fourth one so it's not been that bad for the old sex life either

It is by far the best thing I have ever done with my life.

I look at the list and a lot of it was true for me. BUT it doesn't last and you'll eventually get some order back / some kind of a life. All I wish I'd known was that babies feed constantly in the early days, and that BF can be hell if you're unlucky (at first, get loads of support and eventually you'll love it).
Now at 7 months putting make up on / wearing nice clothes (ie ones that don't have holes for nipples!) are reserved for special occasions but it kind of makes it more fun.
About the nursary - we didn't even think of it till the time was coming for DS to move in there at 6 months, and all it took was some internet shopping (I got room sickers, fab) and a weekend to sort out. In the first few weeks you might appreciate having a room you can just chuck crap into.
With friends we've made an effort from as early as we could to go out (sunday lunch, early dinners etc) with our friends taking DS with us so we still see them but also so that they can get to know DS and us as a family, rather than the couple we were before.
Work on getting a good group of mummy friends too (NCT classes are excellent for this, but I've also met lots of people at my local childrens centre) This means several days a week I can meet up with people experiencing the same things as me, I can freely discuss poo, lack of sleep, boobs etc, and then when I speak to my childless friends, I want to talk about normal life and don't need to bore them with stuff that frankly before I had a baby I didn't care a jot about.
Your life does change beyond recognition, and I'm personally still struggling with that, but they are so worth it.

Good luck! xx

My first 3 months with both kids have been good (compared to what you hear about).
However, if I hadn't have co-slept and breastfed on demand, I imagine it would have been asolute hell.
I would not want to have to deal with all the extra colic, conspitation etc of a bottle fed baby and getting up to warm it at 3am, and my babies do not sleep in cribs, however they sleep perfectly next to me.
My 3 week old sleeps through now and I very much doubt he would if left alone in a crib.

Not much of the list applied to me - that sounds very smug but its true.

I have two DC and both have been good sleepers, good eaters and generally very placid.

Even if some of the above is how you feel at first it wont last for long.

Just think of it that everything is a phase..

Isn't that just the key message of parenthood - whatever they are doing it's always (you hope) a phase!

I think that some of this stuff is quite useful to be prepared for, although it's fairly unlikely that it will all happen to you (at least in the first six months of your first baby). So yes having children radically alters the family dynamics (for one thing you will become a family).

That can be positive or negative, but it is worth knowing, especially for your dh, as chances are you will meet and possibly become life long friends with many other mums, and will be able to share your feelings, gripes etc fairly easily, but new dads on the whole do not have support networks.

So knowing that sex will probably be off the agenda for a long time and that your partner may well be too baby obsessed to give you much attention but that they still love you is very very important I think. For new mums knowing that they must make sure they spend at least a small part of the day letting their partner know that they love them is really key too. New fathers should know that their partners will need a huge amount of support, and something about the impact of sleep deprivation too.

I didn't find feeding tricky at all, and didn't have any problems with soreness. I did have a lot of lavender baths, and used Calendular cream on my nipples. It is time consuming though - make sure you have lots of (light) books, movies or good programs to watch, and feed easily to reach (I ate a lot of dried fruit) so that settling to two hours or so of breastfeeding is a pleasant experience. Make sure you have a really comfortable chair and lots of cushions - those v-shaped ones are good.

You will be tired and you won't be able to do that much, and there may be times when you really need to be baby free, so organize as much as possible in advance (food in deep freeze, visitors with gifts, house clean and tidy before the birth, haircuts etc etc). Plus I really found it helped to agree with dh when he would be totally in charge, so that I could have an undisturbed bath every night (a personal vice).

Also there are lots of milestones in that six months, so don't assume that how things are in the really early days is how it will be for the next few months.

Yes, especially with my pfb, there is no way I could have prepared/believed how hard it could be - my struggle was from the moment dd was born I went into shock, no-one noticed, because I had had a very straight-forward and easy labour (relatively speaking) - the mw's were all happy and then it went down hill for me.

I spent 4 weeks getting to grips with bf, I was determined to do it, but mw/family all gently encouraged me to bottle feed - because I was struggling and sleep deprivation. DD wouldn't take a bottle in the end, but it was very worrying, I was a mess. If someone could have prepared me for that, I miight have been more relaxed - but how? I read as much as I could, listened to all the stories - nothing prepared me for the shock.

I think being mentally prepared for a struggle might make it easier...? I thought yeah it might be hard, but it can't be that hard. Nothing would have made it much easier - but being prepared for how I could feel after the birth might have helped a wee bit. Overwhelmed, overlooked and exhausted is how I felt, between being incredibly sore and generally stressed and anxious. There must have been some relief there too, and I tried to be happy and glad my dd was healthy - so I felt a bit guilty I didn't have that immediate WOW feeling too.

I went on to have another child, it was so much easier the second time, because I knew roughly what to expect - I knew I didn't find bf an easy thing to do, but I managed to do it, I knew labour could be pretty okay. I quite liked it even, and I had an HB (which really helped).

The experience I had after I had my first child in hospital, although it all went smoothly, was a very alien experience and there were too many people with conflicting advice, even though the birth was easy the after care shocked me - not to mention the auxiliary who looked at my newborn and asked if I'd had a boy or a girl, when I replied a girl, she turned round to her co-worker and started talking about how all girls were bitches, dd wasn't a day old.

It seems like no big deal now, looking back, but I was so vulnerable then - can you prepare for that?

A lot of those things are true, but it is probably better to be prepared for the hard parts and then to be pleasantly surprised than to expect everything to be easier. I was just visiting a friend who just had her first dc and was quite shellshocked - kept saying 'why does no one tell you?...'

I found that I lost my pre-child life gradually. when they are little they are portable and you can pretty much carry on as before just taking your baby with you. I spent the first 9 months of ds's life going out for coffee, shopping, museums. We took him with us to parties to show him off and to restaurants. Once he became mobile and in more of a routine we were more limited in what we could do with him. By the time he became a (very difficult, hyperactive and non compliant toddler) it was impossible to take him anywhere - including a lot of toddler activities. It was at that point that I began to lose contact with my childless friends and started to feel isolated. And then when dd was born, my previous life was completely gone and it really was difficult. So, my point is that there is a lot to appreciate about the early months.

Also, if you get a decent sling (like a wrap) you can get most of the housework done while your dc is awake and then rest or do what you like when dc sleeps. Your dc will enjoy it and it will make things much easier for you.

I think the list is a bit OTT, I don't think there is much benefit reading those kind of things and worrying, just think positive.
I haven't found the first few months too bad with either of mine, although it probably does depend on the baby.

it was all marvellous, ignore all that rubbish just dont go into it with rose tinted glasses.

It all changes constantly.

If your adaptable and giving all will be well.

With your husband........try and see things from his perspective and suggest he does the same, that will smooth out any rough

The relationship stuff was hard for us, just because of the sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation and dealing with a colicky baby and me being basically a hormonal emotional wreck for the first few months!! You will get more than 3 hours of sleep a night, just probably in increments of 3 hours - and you get used to it surprisingly quickly!

My childless friends have been amazing - I'm a young mum so the first of all my friends and they are always offering to babysit, want to come round and bring DS presents constantly, make an effort to drag me out the occasional evening, realise we can still hang out on lazy sundays with DS in tow. Having said that, I wouldn't have survived the last 18months without my local mums I met through mumsnet - it's a life saver having people to talk to who are going through the same thing as you, who you can walk round to within 5mins, and who preferably share your need to crack open the wine at midday occasionally.

You can't prepare yourself AT ALL - even if your baby does exactly what everyone else's babies apparently do, there is no way you can imagine the feelings, the emotions, the sleep deprivation, all the bad stuff AND all the good stuff.

So try not to worry and enjoy being childless and spontaneous and clean-freaky now.

Have a conversation with your partner NOW and promise that you will never say 'it's alright for you, you get to go to work and see people, I'm stuck in the house all day!', and he will never say 'it's alright for you, at least you don't have to get up and go to work after 2 hours' sleep!'

I think most arguments stem from each partner thinking they have it tough and the other one doesn't understand. Accept now that it will be tough for both of you in very different ways and you just have to support each other as much as possible, and acknowledge when you argue that it's just because you're tired and grumpy! That's what helped me and DH get through the worst of it anyway (though we still argued...)

I'll be honest, the first 3 months of ds's life I thought I had transferred to some kind of prisoner of war camp. It was hell. But my dh is much more house proud than me and used to nag.

My childless friends gradually drifted, but my best mate stayed around.

Dh and I argued lots, but ds would not sleep for more than hour and half, so we were shattered. And I have PND.

However ds is now 8 months, and it is wonderful. Dh has now bonded with him, we get more sleep and more time to spend together. So it can be horrible, but it passes quickly.

LittleAmy - my advice to you is to look at one of those "things people didn't tell you about pregnancy" threads.

You'll see from that that some of the things people say chime totally, some slightly, some none at all.

Yes, you'll be horribly sleep-deprived, and it will use every ounce of your emotional energy. But it's fine, because it's part of the parcel.

And look at it this way, if you are at the end of your tether, at least from all your advice you'll know it's normal to feel that way...

I was vaguely thinking about this thread today, and concluded that A LOT of this comes down to lack of sleep. If you are getting enough sleep, or somewhere close to enough sleep, then taking care of yourself, getting out and interacting with people, maintaining a good relationship with your DH, etc., are much much much easier. If you're barely getting two hours uninterrupted sleep at once for weeks at a time then suddenly those can all blow up into seemingly insuperable obstacles.

in answer to OP yes

I think the first 6 weeks are spent in a fog and slowly you start emerging but are too tired to start dealing with the major re negotiations which have to occur for the new 'family order' to be established
best just to go it and take it easy

it eventually works out just don't stress

"Having a baby is like throwing a grenade into your marriage".
Not for us it brought me and DH closer together BUT if there are problems before hand a baby can really put a magnifier on them.

"You and your husband will fight all the time."
Lack of sleep can make you snappy but real serious make or break fights no.

"Your relationship with your husband will completely change to one of point scoring and arguing over who does the most".
Your relationship will change, massively it another human being your bringing into the world together not a build a bear.

"He will look forward to his paternity leave ending".
Some might some wont. It's a pretty frightening time for DH too but often they get left out and forgotten during this time too.

"Your baby will demand feeding every few hours. Your boobs will be red raw."
Your boobs will be fine your nipples will hurt for a bit but mostly only in the beginning.

"You might not be able to breast feed and thus feel like a failure of a woman".
It's completely up to you how you react to this.

"You will be knackered and hardly have the time/enegery to even wash".

"New born babies are boring. You don't get any feedback from them."
Well no they wont chat to you but the majority of human communication is not spoken.

"Your house will be a tip. There will be no time or energy to tidy."
My house has always been fairly clean and tidy but once you have kids you'll realise how unimportant.

"A million people will want to visit - and remember your house is a tip".
No one cares what your house looks like and you can decide when you have visitors.

"Also you look like a tip. No time to do hair and makeup."
If you want time to do yourself up make time.

"Sex drive takes a nose-dive. Almost becoming non-existent".
Possibly possibly not again it usually returns in time.

"You'll bleed for 6 weeks and it will hurt to pee."
Yes it will.

"Postnatal depression - you become isolated and constantly weepy."
PND is not as common as it may seem, and if you do get it MNetters will be here for you.
Being isolated is entirely up to you, you don't have to be.

"Finish the nursery now because you will not have the time or energy to finish it once baby is here".
Thats true but really is that such a problem?

"You will lose any childless friends because you will not have time for them."
Good friends will be good friends no matter what. But don't bore your childless friends with constant baby talk.

"No time to go out or even watch a movie on the sofa."
I wanted loads of movies breastfeeding. Having a newborn is only a small part of your life as a parent they grow up and you gain more independence from them.

"3 hours sleep per night."
Not every night, some yes but again it's only for a short time.

"Forget the things you love to do now - your love of books, video games, the gym, and the other things you do to unwind. There will be no time for leisure."
Again it's only for a short period of time and it's up to you how you use your time and what you do with your baby.
I suppose if your worried about this type of thing maybe yo aren't ready for children?

It pretty much sums it up, yes, but probably not the last few points IME.

Depending on the sort of person you are and how prepared you are for it mentally ie how aware you are of what it will be like and what your expectations are, you will find it more or less of a challenge.

For example, I find it very difficult to just sit and be. This is a great skill to acquire with a newborn if you don't already have it. I was constantly itching to get up and do stuff, which is difficult to do with a sleeping newborn latched onto your boob.

The first few weeks are hard esp if you have a tough labour mainly due to lack of sleep and the adjustment. As previous posters have mentioned, lack of sleep affects everything and especially your tolerance and patience levels which can impact your relationship with anyone and especially your partner.

My best advice to you would be to not worry about what the nanny state, the books, the parenting gurus, the press, your mother, the other competitive mums out there etc etc say and think and to enjoy your lovely baby.

All the best.

Yeah, all true - but you don't care because you have a teeny tiny bundle of amazing to look at and appreciate when s/he is sleeping.
And every day you learn something new that you will beat yourself up about for not knowing before, but will for that evening, feel like you have improved as a mother.
PS: Mine is 1-yr and I still haven't cleaned the house properly - who cares?

For me... I have answered each one. My DS is 5 months old today.... and I was only scared of the birth... hence...scaredveryscared I had not really thought of the stuff afterwards.... how naive!

"Having a baby is like throwing a grenade into your marriage".

untrue... it's massively different but our relationship is strong and so we have adapted.

"You and your husband will fight all the time."

Not at all. We have had a few 'discussions' but we communicate all the time and this prevents arguments and stress from building.

"Your relationship with your husband will completely change to one of point scoring and arguing over who does the most".

I do feel I do the most. DH works 24hr shifts so I am home alone alot and doing most of the work.

"He will look forward to his paternity leave ending".

He didn't.

"Your baby will demand feeding every few hours. Your boobs will be red raw."

Yes they demand feed often. Boobs were sore but breast pump got me through it...hoorah for NCT

"You might not be able to breast feed and thus feel like a failure of a woman".

This is very true for some women... give it a go if it doesn;t work... your baby will fine on formula. I did both!

"You will be knackered and hardly have the time/enegery to even wash".

This is only true for first few days... you are in a daze anyway so just go with the flow.

"New born babies are boring. You don't get any feedback from them."

Rubbish! My DS was alert and stared lovingly at me during feeds.... it's beautiful.

"Your house will be a tip. There will be no time or energy to tidy."

True.... but if your house is a tip that means you are dedicating every moment to your precious little bundle.... just the way it should be!

"A million people will want to visit - and remember your house is a tip".

True.... try to see it like they just want to meet your baby and that is a nice thing. Don't feel bad about saying no and offering an alternative time or day.

"Also you look like a tip. No time to do hair and makeup."

You quickly realise you come second.... the hair and make-up return in time.

"Sex drive takes a nose-dive. Almost becoming non-existent".

At first yeah.... it comes back quickly!

"You'll bleed for 6 weeks and it will hurt to pee."

True- just like a heavy period... not about the peeing tho.

"Postnatal depression - you become isolated and constantly weepy."

Not everyone gets it! You do get baby blues tho... it's just hormones and completely normal. You need to release tears it de-stresses you and you end up better for it.

"Finish the nursery now because you will not have the time or eneregy to finish it once baby is here".

Definitely! Plus you'll feel prepared and that is a good feeling.

"You will lose any childless friends because you will not have time for them."

I haven't. Admittedly I haven't seen them as much but we keep in touch.

"No time to go out or even watch a movie on the sofa."

We watched things in parts. We used to get max 25 - 30 mins watched at a time. Hard at first but it's great now. DS is in bed for 7 and we have our time then.

"3 hours sleep per night."

This is the hardest bit for me. Sleep deprivation is no laughing matter. It doesn;t last forever... that's what people kept telling me and it;s true. Get into a routine as early as 3 months (worked for me)

"Forget the things you love to do now - your love of books, video games, the gym, and the other things you do to unwind. There will be no time for leisure."

Not at first. I have resumed walking (just work it in round baby now) and have had a couple of nice meals out with DH.....

Other people have mentioned the intense feelings of love you have .... they are overwhelming... and it's amazing to look down on this little miracle you have made..... it's the best thing I have ever done, even if it is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Good luck and let us know how you get on!

You've had some great advice here already LittleAmy. Parenthood is challenging at times and the first few months after your baby arrives will probably feel like a major upheaval. But it passes, quickly, and then you're on to the next thing... there are wonderful times and difficult times.

To answer each of your points, in my personal experience:

"Having a baby is like throwing a grenade into your marriage". - yes it changes everything but mostly for the better

"You and your husband will fight all the time." - we bickered more when tired but also learnt to really understand each other more deeply

"Your relationship with your husband will completely change to one of point scoring and arguing over who does the most". - see above

"He will look forward to his paternity leave ending". - absolutely not true

"Your baby will demand feeding every few hours. Your boobs will be red raw." - yes to frequent feeds and it's quite common to get a bit sore in the first week or two but it quickly becomes easy and enjoyable

"You might not be able to breast feed and thus feel like a failure of a woman". - for all but a very small percentage this is not true. Read up about BFing beforehand, lots of good advice on here

"You will be knackered and hardly have the time/enegery to even wash". - some days yes, but for the most part you find a new energy you never knew you had

"New born babies are boring. You don't get any feedback from them." - but it's YOUR newborn baby who is amazing, beautiful and awe inspiring.

"Your house will be a tip. There will be no time or energy to tidy." - well ours wasn't and I didn't break my back cleaning either. Newborns don't make any mess. More challenging with a toddler!

"A million people will want to visit - and remember your house is a tip". - it's up to YOU who visits and anyway, you can always offer to go to theirs

"Also you look like a tip. No time to do hair and makeup." - no-one looks their best after giving birth but no-one expects you to either! And I found plenty of time for long baths with newborn DD and doing my nails etc while she napped.

"Sex drive takes a nose-dive. Almost becoming non-existent". - in the very short term, yes. After a few months when your baby sleeps more it's easier.

"You'll bleed for 6 weeks and it will hurt to pee." - unlikely you'll bleed for more than a couple of weeks. Have a jug of warm water with lavender oil to poor over as you pee. After a few days it'll be better.

"Postnatal depression - you become isolated and constantly weepy." - PND worth knowing about but if you can get out and about each day and socialise you are less likely to suffer.

"Finish the nursery now because you will not have the time or eneregy to finish it once baby is here". - well we managed somehow!

"You will lose any childless friends because you will not have time for them." - a few might drift away but your true friends won't go anywhere

"No time to go out or even watch a movie on the sofa." - erm, so not true! I watched loads of films and telly while BFing or having DD nap on me on the sofa in the first couple of months. Harder later when they are bigger and need entertaining, but then you can get a babysitter!

"3 hours sleep per night." - I got about 6 hours a night, in increments of 2 hours, for the first 11 weeks. I was dog tired. After that she fed only at 11pm and 3am then started her day at 6/7. At 5 months she slept through. So yes it's hard in the first couple of months but quickly gets easier. And you can nap together during the day anyway (even I managed this occasionally, with a nap-resistant baby)

"Forget the things you love to do now - your love of books, video games, the gym, and the other things you do to unwind. There will be no time for leisure." - It comes back, don't worry - once they get to 5/6 months it is easier to leave them for longer and they start taking good long naps in the day. All you'll want to do in the first couple of months is look after the baby anyway. And if you want a couple of hours to yourself to go to the hairdresser or whatever, go at the weekend and leave DH with some expressed milk.

Who are all these men that think they can argue with a post-partum woman? Don't they know that she is a goddess, and whatever she says, goes!

Don't think us women should be having this discussion, but the men.

Remember fellas:

Flowers and chocolates
Make the meals (or bring in the meals)
Admire the baby regularly (and dp)
Put a sign on the front door ("no visitors at the moment, mum and baby resting" OR "knock quietly and we might get there in a minute")

Just follow these rules, OK? Shall I carry on?

"Having a baby is like throwing a grenade into your marriage".

Couldn't tell as I have never had a grenade thrown into my marriage- how many people have?

"You and your husband will fight all the time."

Dh was kept nicely busy with nappy changes and house cleaning and cooking me nourishing meals and had no energy left for arguing.

"Your relationship with your husband will completely change to one of point scoring and arguing over who does the most".

Have to say I did not appear to be dh's main focus of interest during these early weeks.

"He will look forward to his paternity leave ending".

Dh only had 2 days (before the new rules) but then went and took a day a week unpaid leave for a year (!) so he could spend time with his dd.

"Your baby will demand feeding every few hours. Your boobs will be red raw."

Yes and no. Every few hours, yes. Red and raw, no.

"You might not be able to breast feed and thus feel like a failure of a woman".

Yeah well. But then again, you might not.

"You will be knackered and hardly have the time/enegery to even wash".

And for once in your life, people will cut you a bit of slack- milk it!

"New born babies are boring. You don't get any feedback from them."

You are still allowed to read a book, you know, or talk to other people, or watch the telly. The beauty of small babies is that they are extremely portable.

"Your house will be a tip. There will be no time or energy to tidy."

And for once you have a cast-iron alibi, because you are busy with the baby.

"A million people will want to visit - and remember your house is a tip".

As above- get them to do the cleaning for you. And your dh, this is where he can really show what a brave, strong man he is.

"Also you look like a tip. No time to do hair and makeup."

As the mother of an adorable baby, you will get smiles anyway.

"Sex drive takes a nose-dive. Almost becoming non-existent".

For the first time in your life, you may find you have hit on something that is even more exciting than sex! Besides, this is one area that has been known to pick up after the first few months. Notice how many couples you see out there with more than one child. Now does that tell us something?

"You'll bleed for 6 weeks and it will hurt to pee."

The lochia is not that bad.

"Postnatal depression - you become isolated and constantly weepy."

Some do. Not all.

"Finish the nursery now because you will not have the time or eneregy to finish it once baby is here".

I never bothered finishing the nursery- and have still reared two happy and more or less functioning children.

"You will lose any childless friends because you will not have time for them."

Well, maybe that is because you have something better to do.

"No time to go out or even watch a movie on the sofa."

Watching movies on sofa is ideal while breastfeeding.

"3 hours sleep per night."

Ah, but you also get to sleep in the daytime.

"Forget the things you love to do now - your love of books, video games, the gym, and the other things you do to unwind. There will be no time for leisure."

What you have to learn is that with children things are constantly changing. I was busy non-stop the first couple of months, but then did research, getting through pretty well a normal 8 hr day, with dd laid on a blanket next to the computer. Then had less time again when she learned to crawl.

Most were true for us. It was a very challenging time, the first 12 weeks.

And like many have said, absolutely and completely worth it. Some really great posts here with lots of good advice.

Perhaps as importantly - nothing else will matter anyway.