Are the first few months really that bad?

[LittleAmy]

I'm due to give birth to my first baby in July. I've heard that the first few months with a newborn are hell on earth. Is this true? Here are some of the snippets of 'advice' I've heard:

"Having a baby is like throwing a grenade into your marriage".

"You and your husband will fight all the time."

"Your relationship with your husband will completely change to one of point scoring and arguing over who does the most".

"He will look forward to his paternity leave ending".

"Your baby will demand feeding every few hours. Your boobs will be red raw."

"You might not be able to breast feed and thus feel like a failure of a woman".

"You will be knackered and hardly have the time/enegery to even wash".

"New born babies are boring. You don't get any feedback from them."

"Your house will be a tip. There will be no time or energy to tidy."

"A million people will want to visit - and remember your house is a tip".

"Also you look like a tip. No time to do hair and makeup."

"Sex drive takes a nose-dive. Almost becoming non-existent".

"You'll bleed for 6 weeks and it will hurt to pee."

"Postnatal depression - you become isolated and constantly weepy."

"Finish the nursery now because you will not have the time or eneregy to finish it once baby is here".

"You will lose any childless friends because you will not have time for them."

"No time to go out or even watch a movie on the sofa."

"3 hours sleep per night."

"Forget the things you love to do now - your love of books, video games, the gym, and the other things you do to unwind. There will be no time for leisure."

Sources for the above statements: books, forums, NCT classes, family and friends.

Strange how no one said these things to me when I was TTC.

[hellymelly]

Well I suppose some of them were true-my place was a tip and I didn't go anywhere and I was feeding every two hours,but it wasn't all that bad.I'd had a series of very demanding elderly cats and I think they were good prep for parenthood! (waking at night to feed them,cleaning up poo etc).The sleep thing is the toughest,as it does destroy the brain and shorten the temper.Breastfeeding is easy once you get going and its just such an amazing time,I felt much closer to my DH (even though I was shouting at him all the time due to lack of sleep.)

[seashore]

There's no pint in focusing on all those negative quotes, although they obviously have got the better of you.

Here's something someone said to me casually as they threw pebbles into the sea with their grandchild - 'having a child, it's the best thing you'll ever do'.

We had a horrible birth and colic first time round but I've got to say it's true, it's the best thing you'll ever do.

Enjoy it, and even when the early days are tough, they fly by, the baby stage disappears so fast.

[piratecat]

my dd is 8 and i've yet to watch a dvd.

[seashore]

Also it is just a different phase of life, it's best to accept that.

Since you're due in July, enjoy your time now instead of building up dread about whats ahead. The last few months of pregnancy are really demanding, especially the final one.

For now, spoil yourself, relax, wait and see how things will be as they happen.

[dearprudence]

Hardly any of this happened to me. Seriously, hardly any. The only ones that really applied are going out to stuff like the gym, and looking after your personal grooming a bit. But honestly, it's about priorities. If it was a high priority for you to get to the gym, you'd do it. Just wasn't for me. I just went out walking with the pram each day instead. Yes, you feel tired, but tiny babies sleep a lot, and feed a lot too, so there's plenty of sitting down time if you want it.

If you and your baby are well, and s/he's feeding and basically happy then it's easy. I couldn't have been happier to devote myself to being a mummy, especially during those first few months. It's nice to get a bit of 'me time' back later, but all I wanted to do at first was look at/talk about/play with/take pictures of my baby.

Personally I found the early weeks very time-consuming (breastfeeding) but not remotely hard. And breastfeeding shouldn't hurt.

And I liked having visitors round to coo at my baby.

So to everyone who's feeding you horror stories.

[IMoveTheStars]

I hope my children will look back on today
And see a mother who had time to play.
There will be years for cleaning and cooking
But children grow up while we're not looking.
Dusting and scrubbing can wait 'till tomorrow
For babies grow fast we learn to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

[dearprudence]

Jareth that poem makes me cry.

[j0807bump]

some were true for me, alot but people only tell you the horror stories.

first time round it is a complete shock to the system at least it was to me. now i am 3 weeks off number 2 and trying to remember all i didn't know first time and hopefully it won't be so bad.

i hope no-one has scared you, i haven't read all cause i'm worried too even though "ive done it once". there is this magical 6 week thing though. it's when they smile back and you realise that this screamy, constantly hungry bag of flesh actually loves you even though no-one has taught it to.

[mrsbean78]

I think that it's brilliant to prepare as if going into battle, believing it will be horrendous. I had this set of beliefs about those first three months, and in all honesty, I don't identify with any of them now (though some were undoubtedly true). Agree with BDM. The rush of amazing, overpowering love negates all of the above.
Do prepare your dh/dp with this though. Mine used to plead with me to stop being 'so negative' about the postpartum period but now says it was brilliant prep and it was all a hundred million times better than he imagined it would be!

[babymutha]

It's good that you're thinking about life in the early months - I couldn't see beyond the birth and yes, I'm sad to say, most of what you posted was true for me. I truly hope it isn't true for you and whatever happens remember that it changes all the time and does get easier - it is all temporary. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, roll with the punches, be kind to yourself. Whatever happens you are not alone.

[darksideofthemooncup]

Some were true for me and some weren't...but two years down the line I honestly can't remember the bad bits and look back on that time all misty eyed.

Its rather like childbirth, I heard all manner of horror stories beforehand and I had a difficult time (emcs etc etc) but I really want another baby so I think we are designed to cope with the difficult bits and filter out the bad stuff iyswim.

Its good to be prepared though, forewarned is forearmed after all!

Congratulations by the way

[NellyTheElephant]

I think most of those were true for me to some extent. DC1 was a huge shock to the system. The first 6 weeks or so I was completely poleaxed and I found it really really tough. It doesn't last long though, those first few weeks are a hard and often shocking adjustment period, but then everything starts to settle and fall into place. You work out how to do things and most importantly of all you start to get a bit more sleep again and everything seems better. Your life gets back on track and is different but I found better and more rewarding than before. I think it helps to know that lots of people feel this way so not to let it get you down too much if you find everything hard, also to remember that it really and truly won't last - when you look back those difficult first few weeks will seem like they were over in a flash.

Then you move on and have baby no.2 and simply cannot imagine what all the fuss was about first time around..........

[Southwestwhippet]

My DD is three months, although my life has changed a lot, I don't really relate to much of what is written up there.

I spent most of the first few weeks sitting on the sofa feeding my baby BUT I wanted to do this (most of the time ) so it wasn't a hardship. this left DP free to keep vaguely on top of the housework during his paternity leave. I'd deep cleaned the house in a fever of nesting before birth anyway so I wasn't living in a filthy pit for the first month, honestly!

apart from the first morning in hospital, I've worn make-up every day. I like wearing makeup so I find 5mins to put it on. You can put on mascara and a bit of blusher whilst feeding a baby pretty easily after the first few days!

Newborn babies can be a bit boring sometimes, but bits of any job can be boring. And you don't get the amazing sense of love and fulfilment with any other job.

One of the things I stressed out about in late pregnancy was this idea that if I didn't get it done now then, once baby arrived, it wouldn't get done. But TBH, I felt utterly exhausted and run down in late pregnancy and once the baby was born, although I could be tired from broken nights, my overall energy levels were much higher.

I think you have to go into it assuming that your life is about the change totally and that you are going spend the next few months (such a short time) just "doing" the baby. And that you are going to enjoy this - like a sort of baby-holiday. Then week by week you will find that you get a little more of your own life back. A lot of the scarey advice, I think, is to help prevent people from imagining a baby will fit into their life and then getting frustrated, depressed and miserable when it doesn't happen.

[Downdog]

gosh that all paints such a dreadful picture. While much of it is true, it's not necessarily negative - just different.

Presumably you have some maternity leave - great. I used the mantras "babies are random" and "this is what maternity leave is for" to help me relax & go with the flow - cause if you are trying to 'direct & control the traffic' for the first few weeks - well for me it would have been a disaster.

Yes the first few months are challenging, but they are also fantastic. As someone who has always worked office hours, Mon-Fri, I loved the randomness of waking at all hours, watching catch up TV & DVD's when I fancied it whilst breastfeeding, leaving the housework if I felt like it, having sleeps/naps during the day, taking all day just to achieve going down the shops, having people pop in & they always say "Sit down, I'll make the tea" and they bring nice cakes.

Of greatest help to me was:

• having OH around for a couple of weeks. He was clueless, but eager to help. He didn't act like he knew what he was doing, in fact he was like, Please tell me what to do and I will do as you say - which was quite nice.

• breastfeeding mentors. Make contact beofre the birth with all your potential mentors for breastfeeding. Ok so you get the midwives/health visitors, but what really got me through the first month were all the older women who had breastfed their families - no fuss, no hysteria. Friends which had babies before me and who BF etc. People who you trust, who are supportive and with whom you can have a frank/knowledgable/inspirational/funny and above all supportive conversation about breastfeeding. And they will recommend the best nipple creams (I found the Aussie fermented papaya stuff ROCKED)

Oh and if you have friends in far off lands keep their numbers to hand. Then in the wee hours, if you fancy or need a chat, you always have someone to call who will be up & about.

Good luck

[trixie123]

what everyone else has said. my twopenneth is this: its not rocket science and you don't need loads of books to tell you how to do it. Your baby is a person - it will get tired, hungry, bored, hot, cold whatever - just check through the list each time til you hit on the problem and fix it. My personal theory is that there is so much advice out there people assume it MUST be really hard and complicated and don't trust their own instincts. Its quite hard to get it really wrong and anything you do in the first few months is NOT going to set you up for some huge problem further down the line. Do whatever you need to get through it, including letting baby sleep on you if thats what it needs/ wants. Assuming your DP is a good guy, try to avoid the "tiredness olympics" - you'll both be doing loads and will be knackered. Congratulations, good luck and come back MN often!

[lovechoc]

yep OP, that more or less sums the first three months up (well it did for me!). BUT the good news is it does get easier.

I'm expecting DC2 in July and am dreading the sleepless nights but do realise that it doesn't last forever. It's only a short time in your life when you think of it.

[pixl]

LittleAmy - I read this:

"I'm worried that hubby and I will fall out (he's more house proud than I am) and more seriously - that I will turn into a hormonal bitch. You hear about women screaming at their newborns to shut up because they haven't had any sleep. I'm scared of turning into a psycho bitch. I'm scared that hubby may regret having a baby with me"

And had to post, as I felt exactly the same. Well DS is now 8 weeks and actually, its not that bad really. The fact my DH is houseproud is brilliant, cos things actually get done around the house (hopefully your DH also helps out). DS is a rubbish sleeper, but I havent screamed at him yet, although I have cried a few times! No sign of a psycho bitch and absolutely NO sign that DH regrets it, I think he loves him more than me cos unless I'm feeding DS, I dont get a look in!

I'm taking it one day at a time, and my aim for each day is to do one thing for me and one thing for the house, if I achieve that then I'm happy (even if I dont manage to get dressed every day!!)

Please dont let the negativity get to you, often the fear is worse than the reality

[withorwithoutyou]

Most were true for me - except feeding every few hours, try every 10 minutes in DD's case!!

But it is so, so worth it. I think people tell you how hard it is but not how great it is because it's really hard to tell anyone how great it is without tearing up! Seriously!

I echo what others with tricky newborns have said. First 6 months were really hard then got progressively easier and DD is now a delightful and honestly reallly manageable toddler (famous last words!)

That said, I'm due no 2 in July and this thread has just scared me by bringing it all back to me!

[AngelDog]

I had the same, lots of scaremongering beforehand. The first 3 months were hard work and some of the things in your original post did apply to us. Many didn't. But now at 4 months, we have settled into a new 'normal'.

Definitely take a day at a time.

Lower your standards re housework / leisure expectations / time with DH / doing exciting things with DC.

Ignore people who say "the first 2 weeks / 6 weeks / 12 weeks / 6 months" are the worst. You don't know how/when things with your baby will change, and you and they will get the hang of things in your own time. I spent far too much emotional energy waiting for sudden improvements when other people said things got easier with their babies - and almost missed spotting the time when my DS was getting easier!

You'll muddle through one way or another. And I think 'hell on earth' would be a slight exaggeration for many babies.

[kamsmum]

I agree with all those statements. I really thought that life would carry on as before and nothing would change, except that I would morph into a yummy mummy. I was so wrong!!

Every baby and all circumstances are different. You will amaze yourself at what you can achieve after a few hours sleep. You may find that you gain more confidence and your relationship gets stronger as a result of it having to grow and change to accomodate a third person.

Ther really is no point in worrying now. Relax, enjoy your last few weeks of being "free".

You are embarking on a journey which can be wonderful in so many ways! x

[ZacharyQuack]

Other people's newborn babies are boring. Your newborn baby will be the most fascinating thing you have ever seen.

[RockinSockBunnies]

Your life will change radically. I think I was wholly unprepared for just how much a baby does change your life.

The sleep deprivation was the hardest thing for me to deal with - breastfeeding, cleaning house etc weren't especially problematic.

However, I was 19 when I had DD and a single mother, so not sure how things would be different when I have more DC.

In terms of friendships, yes, for a while, I did lose childless friends, but that was mainly because I felt that I had absolutely nothing in common with them anymore and only wanted to hang around with other mothers who could relate to what I was experiencing. My 18 and 19 year old single friends were utterly clueless about the implications of having a baby.

Having said that, the balance did shift and I now have a very wide range of friends who do and don't have children.

And having DD was the best thing I've ever done!

[jellylegs]

Little Amy don't lose sleep over your worries.I wish someone had told me DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF.Yes!it WILL FEEL LIKE A BOMB hitting your life but it is very Intense for only a short time (tell yourself that if you are feeding your beautiful baby at 5am in the morning and your DH is moaning!).Life will change and be different but you will enter another world-hopefully filled with love and laughter. It may bring out a different side of your DH(Is there stuff going on between you now??Or before?) and his priorites may change? I bickered alot and looking back found the first 8 months a bit of a blur.. I even got sleep envy!! but try and keep some time (wether it b a long bath , red wine and great film/night out with girls etc) . I went on to have another 3(we had planned 3!Incidently my twins slept through the night after they went on bottles at 3 months....do whatever is best for you and your baby. I remember feeling guilty, anxious alot more with my first. Trust me. It gets easier)
You will be ok.... Take any help , in any shape or form and look forward to falling in love with your little one.

[KMJ]

Some of those things are true for some people (and if you're unlucky they're all true). But time passes and you live through it and it does get better (because it gets easier). If you can afford to buy in ANY sort of help (cleaner, babysitter while you have a sleep) then do it and don't be too proud to ask for help. Join a baby group nearby as you'll really need to know other mums in the same situation.

As for why did someone not tell you beforehand? We try, but people just laugh and say it won't happen to them, or they think you're joking. My brother quite definitely told me not to have kids, he was very very clear. Sadly, I thought he was just making me feel better because at that time I didn't have any (and may not have ever been able to). Now, of course, I know he was trying to help me by telling me the truth. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, terrifying, relentless, there is no manual for your child (although just to add confusion there are a million books that will all claim to tell you how it is done - that's just so that you can feel a failure when that doesn't work for your child!) but the occasions when it is brilliant are the best times you will ever have. Hold on to the good bits and try to let the horrid bits go.

[angelicange]

This post is so reassuring - it wasn't just me! My DS is 3 now and fabuluous! Mummydom is great but like earlier postees say it's the hardest job of all!

I remember still being in a dressing gown at 2.45 in the afternoon. Some days I didn't make it downstairs!! By the time I'd b/f and bottle fed (joys of mixed feeding a sleepy boy!) burped, changed the nappy, put down for a sleep showered myself it was time to start again BUT it doesn't last forever! At first it's like being dropped in a foggy foreign land. You've read the hand book but not learnt the language yet but the mists clear and you get fluent quickly!

Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy as the time whizzes by. Handy hint - buy lots of maternity pads I bld for 5 weeks and they cushioned my stitches but despite my pleading my sleep deprived husband wouldn't go to Boots to buy the type I liked Boo!!

Just give yourself permission to do what feels right. It's your baby!
Thanks for the confessional and congratulations!