Are the first few months really that bad?

[LittleAmy]

I'm due to give birth to my first baby in July. I've heard that the first few months with a newborn are hell on earth. Is this true? Here are some of the snippets of 'advice' I've heard:

"Having a baby is like throwing a grenade into your marriage".

"You and your husband will fight all the time."

"Your relationship with your husband will completely change to one of point scoring and arguing over who does the most".

"He will look forward to his paternity leave ending".

"Your baby will demand feeding every few hours. Your boobs will be red raw."

"You might not be able to breast feed and thus feel like a failure of a woman".

"You will be knackered and hardly have the time/enegery to even wash".

"New born babies are boring. You don't get any feedback from them."

"Your house will be a tip. There will be no time or energy to tidy."

"A million people will want to visit - and remember your house is a tip".

"Also you look like a tip. No time to do hair and makeup."

"Sex drive takes a nose-dive. Almost becoming non-existent".

"You'll bleed for 6 weeks and it will hurt to pee."

"Postnatal depression - you become isolated and constantly weepy."

"Finish the nursery now because you will not have the time or eneregy to finish it once baby is here".

"You will lose any childless friends because you will not have time for them."

"No time to go out or even watch a movie on the sofa."

"3 hours sleep per night."

"Forget the things you love to do now - your love of books, video games, the gym, and the other things you do to unwind. There will be no time for leisure."

Sources for the above statements: books, forums, NCT classes, family and friends.

Strange how no one said these things to me when I was TTC.

[Fibilou]

Would just like to point out that I have managed to make it sounds like DH and I have an awful relationship - we don't. It's much stronger since we had DD but we both like a good row and now have more to argue about

[mumtojoe1]

I love this thread!
Some of what you say is obviously true but some of it ridiculous & all of it differs form family to family.
I am quite vocal with problems with my DH but since DS arrived I can probably count on one hand the amount of times we have had a 'disagreement'.
You will bleed for a week or so, the first 2 or 3 days will probably be incredibly heavy and it might hurt to pee for a couple of days, but unlikely to be much more than that, I just thought it felt like saddle sore for a few days & on the sex front I did it after 2 weeks - altho it did sting the first time.
I did struggle with breastfeeding (altho I managed it just about for 5 months) and did feel like a bit of a failure on the times when I thought about giving it up.
I would have loved 3 hours sleep a night in those first couple of months, some nights I reckon I got only an hour an night but to compensate I let the house slip for a couple of months and slept whenever DS slept - housework is so unimportant once you have that amazing little miracle in your arms. My house wasn't a disgrace but it was not pristine as it used to be.
You might have to give up things like books/movies, but only for a few months, my DS is now 8 months & I have just started reading again in the last month or so, as he sleeps through & I am not so exhausted that I totally flake out at bedtime, but I can't get through 2 books a week as I did pre baby - it now takes a couple of weeks to read a book.
Whatever sacrifices you make nothing in the world will prepare you for how amazing the smallest things that they do will be to you and how happy it will make you when they first focus their eyes & look at you properly or when they start to make babbling noises
Good luck & enjoy every second LittleAmy x

[fionathefrog]

these discussions are really helpful, i think, they highlight just how different everyone's experience is. And there's no way to know what kind of baby your going to get or how you're going to feel about it.

My wee boy is 3 weeks old (today) and I honestly can't believe it. I've been awake more hours in the last 3 weeks than I would have been in a month. But awake staring into my baby's face.

I'm on my own so I would say that if you are arguing with your partner try and hold your baby and be together the 3 of you (or whatever size you family is) because I really feel the gap of a partner, even one to fight with about dirty nappies the length of the house.

All the scare stories have a positive side too which people dont mention (maybe so you can find out yourself, like you even have time to find the toilet!). the most obvious for me was even with stitches and bleeding, suddenly I could bend over and put shoes on and carrying things again.

After 3 weeks I've had some really hard times but can honestly say i've never looked better, gyms and facials could never have the same effect as a smashing wee boy.

look forward to it - there's not a lot else to do x

[specialknickers]

What a great thread - wished I'd read it before my DS was born five months ago.
To add my twopenneth - I wish someone had told me to be more organised before the baby had arrived (yes I'd bought a load of muslins, baby clothes, nappies etc etc but were they all to hand, neatly organised in a nice simple system? Were they buggery. Our flat became a scene of total chaos the minute we came home from the hospital - mistake number one.
Which brings me to mistake number two. I wasn't forwarned about how totally fucked I'd be after childbirth. I had what's diplomatically known as "a difficult labour" and although I don't think this happens in the UK (I'm living abroad) I was sent home even before I could walk. It took me a week to even be able to get out of bed - it's rare this happens, but it does happen so just make sure you've got everything sorted before you go into labour, just in case.
My baby didn't demand feed every three hours, he slept and slept and slept. Which was great. Except that screwed up my milk supply and then he cried and cried and cried. I should have spent the first 6 weeks of his life on the sofa with a pile of DVDs like everyone else.
My OH has been amazing. He cried when his paternity leave ended and literally couldn't have done enough for us. We haven't argued.
I've managed to get dressed and apply make up every single day. Even when I haven't left the house.... and here's the killer:
My boy has slept through the night since day one. He's literally woken us up maybe five times in five months.

Every mother is different, every baby is different. It's great to be prepared of course, but don't worry, it will be great, that's guaranteed.

If I have one piece of advice. Stay on the sofa, don't worry about anything except feeding your baby and cherish every cuddle. As other posters have pointed out, it's over all too soon.

Good luck!

[angels3]

Ok... so it sounds like you've spent your time with either someone who hates babies, or very negative people.

If it was as bad as all that the population would cease to exist within 20 or so years!

Ok, so you will be tired, and yep your house may be a tad messy, but anyone who has had a baby and visits you will have been through the same things.... the only good advice I was given after having my first child was from a lady who had 3 of her own children and grandchildren in her family, and it was..

Take all the help that is offered to you, people will know how hard it was for them, and will be helping and NOT judging you

and

Don't worry about the house being tidy, just make sure that your bathrooms are clean! (this one sounds crazy, but I found when people visited if the loo/bathroom was clean then they didn't notice the rest of the house!)

and lastly...

Sleep when ever you can. Forget washing when baby is sleeping, you can alway have them in a sling to load the machine and get hubby to wash-up!

Good luck and congratualtions.

It will all be fine..

[Pozzled]

This thread has really taken me back to those newborn days....

Yes, they were bloody hard at times. There were times when if someone had come along and said "I can wave a magic wand and make the pregnancy and your DD disappear so that they never happened" I honestly would have said yes. Mostly at night when she just wouldn't settle. Sleep deprivation really is tough.

BUT there were also the most wonderful moments, just lying and watching her face while she was sleeping, the first smile. For me and DH, our DD brought us closer together rather than causing arguments. The visitors did appear, but they came and washed up and brought food so we didn't have to cook. No one cared if my house was a mess- I'm not friends with the kind of person who would care. Equally, no one cared if I was still in my pyjamas, they were far too busy cuddling DD.

So, yeah, it's very very hard, but it is worth it.

[ohnelly]

No its not true - I have 2 DS's, one 4yrs & one 6 wks. My DP went back to work when DS2 was 4 days old & has only been home at wkends since. I am loving looking after them esp 6wk old - wish he could stay a newborn for ever! They are not small for long enough I say! yes you will be tired but it will be more than worth it

[nickytwotimes]

"Having a baby is like throwing a grenade into your marriage". NOPE

"You and your husband will fight all the time." NOPE

"Your relationship with your husband will completely change to one of point scoring and arguing over who does the most".
OUR RELATIOSHIP IS BETTER THAN EVER SINCE HAVING KIDS
"He will look forward to his paternity leave ending". NO!

"Your baby will demand feeding every few hours. Your boobs will be red raw." yES, FOR ME THIS WAS TRUE. BLOODY PAINFUL.

"You might not be able to breast feed and thus feel like a failure of a woman". YEP, TRUE FOR ME TOO.

"You will be knackered and hardly have the time/enegery to even wash". KNACKERED, YES, BUT ALWAYS MANAGED TO GET A NICE BATH AND HAIR WASHED ETC.

"New born babies are boring. You don't get any feedback from them." WELL, I DO FIND THEM BORING, BUT THEY GROW UP FAST.

"Your house will be a tip. There will be no time or energy to tidy." THAT'S WHAT GRANNY IS FOR!

"A million people will want to visit - and remember your house is a tip". aYE, THE VISITORS ARE PITA TBH. I WANTED MOST OF THEM TO FUCK OFF, EXCEPT FOR THOSE THAT WERE ACTUALLY HELPFUL

"Also you look like a tip. No time to do hair and makeup."
UM, DON;T REALLY CARE.
"Sex drive takes a nose-dive. Almost becoming non-existent". AFTER THE FIRST FEW MONTHS, WE HAD GOOD SEX AGAIN. AND IT WASN'T IMPORTANT FOR THE FIRST FEW MONTHS ANYWAY.

"You'll bleed for 6 weeks and it will hurt to pee." NOPE, BLED FOR A FEW WEEKS, NEVER HURT TO PEE OR POO.

"Postnatal depression - you become isolated and constantly weepy." NOPE, I HAD PLENTY COMPANY. A BIT WEEPY FOR A FEW DAYS THEN OKAY.

"Finish the nursery now because you will not have the time or eneregy to finish it once baby is here". WHEN DS WAS 3 DAYS OLD, DH AND HIS BROTHER WERE STILL BUILDING THE NURSERY! BABY HAS NO NEED FOR NURSERY TO BEGIN WITH ANYWAY.

"You will lose any childless friends because you will not have time for them." NOT AT ALL.
"No time to go out or even watch a movie on the sofa." PLENTY TIME TO WATCH MOVIES - THAT'S ALL YOU CAN REALLY DO IF YOU ARE BFING - SIT OR LIE ON COUCH AND ENJOY TELLY OR A BOOK. AND YOU GET OUT LOADS - WALKS WITH THE PRAM, ETC, COFFEE SHOPS TO MEET FRIENDS, BABY GROUPS.

"3 hours sleep per night." YEP, FOR A WHILE.

"Forget the things you love to do now - your love of books, video games, the gym, and the other things you do to unwind. There will be no time for leisure." THERE MIGHT BE A FEW THINGS YOU HAVE TO GIVE A MISS FOR A FEW MONTHS, BUT NO, DON'T AGREE THERE. ONCE BABY CAN MANAGE TO GO A FEW HOURS BTWEEN FEEDS AND YOU ARE FEELING WELL ENOUGH, YOU CAN DO ALL THESE THINGS.