Do you consider your child your "friend"?

[emkana]

I don't consider my children my friends, but I know some mothers who see it differently - even for a child as young as 8. My children are 8,6 and 3 and I do appreciate the changing relationship especially with the eldest (dd), but at the moment my feeling is that it should never be a friendship? Thoughts?

i'm friends with m mum, my brother isn't. People are friends because they want to be not because they are related or in close proximity.

Don't you think folks that whether it's a good idea to be friends with your teen might depend to some extent on the kind of friend you would be and the kind of friend he/she is looking for?

When I was a teen I was desperate to have the kind of friend I could talk to about my dreams for the future, about books and plays, about travelling. My mother was the only person available to do those things with. The alternative would have been for me to dump everything I was interested in and start getting sloshed on vodka and sharing fags with people my own age, pretending I was only interested in clothes and make-up and getting laid. Now to me, that would have been creepy and damaging.

I would have loved a friend my own age that I could actually share my thoughts with. The kind of friend I made in droves when I got to uni, but that simply wasn't around where I grew up. Contrary to popular opinion, not all teens are interested in the same thing.

Otoh if dd and I have a friendship, I would not be confiding relationship problems to her. Not every adult lives a life of constant relationship interest: mine has been stable and settled for the last 25 years and I am not looking for anyone- adult or child- to talk to it about. It is simply not what I am looking for in a friend.

Be a good parent and you'll have a friend for life.

'Curiosity, when the children are older it does become different. You can't do baby talk any more and if you have sensible teens you may go for weeks without ever needing to tell them off. So what are you going to talk to them about if you can't talk to them like near-adults? Or are you just going to stop talking? And what if you happen to have shared interests? Not all of us are going to be sharing fags and bottles of vodka, but then not all teens are that into fags and illicit bottles of vodka either. As it so happens, dd and I share our main interests. Does that mean I have to give up an interest that I've had since a child, or that she is not allowed to develop it, or that we just pretend we're not interested in the same thing and never talk about it? Or should I develop some babyish way of talking to her (which is not appropriate to her age and maturity) just to stress the family hierarchy?

I used to do proofreading for my mother as a teen; she now does it for me; when we are talking about work related issues we have always talked like equals- as you would expect with the person who is proofreading your dissertation (I was about 14 when I did hers and, though I say it myself, probably did a better job than any of her colleagues at the time could have done).

It absolutely did not confuse me that we sometimes had this working relationship while at other times she was still providing guidance; it helped to prepare me for adult life.

Some children go into the family business as they grow older and eventually take it over; they have to find a business like way of talking to each other like co-workers.'

cory - What a strange assumption! Why will I only be able to talk to my children if I am their friend?! Why, if you share interests with a child does it follow that you have to be friends?! I share many different interests with my children but they are not my friends and they will not be my friends for the period of time that they are my dependents.

I have never done 'baby talk', I'm not even sure what relevance 'baby talk' has. Baby talk is not something I have ever wished to do. Are you attempting to put me down in reference to my usage of the term 'lovey'? My oldest is only 4 you know, he is only just growing out of calling me 'mummy' and I think at four they are allowed an affectionate term like 'lovey' without it being 'baby talk'.

Children are not a separate breed they are just younger people. I speak to my children like they are people now. We respect each other and communication runs two ways. We have conversations on their level and I do not baby them in any way. This does not mean we are friends. Obviously my children are only young and obviously our relationships will develop in many ways over time but I don't believe it will ever be healthy to develop a friendship with a child who is living in my home as a dependent as there will always be a fundamental inequality in the relationship. It would never be able to be a true friendship because the equality it was based on would be a fantasy.

Perhaps once children have been living out of the family home for a while and are no longer financially dependent then a friendship may develop concurrently if the two people would like, but then I wouldn't class the son or daughter as 'a child' anymore or see the friendship as particularly important in comparison to the existing relationship.

Apart from anything else how weird of someone to believe 'a parent' is a figure solely of authority without any common ground between them and their child?! 'A parent' is many things more than 'a friend' to me and I suppose always will be.

I think we are probably talking about the same thing, curiosity, just have different definitions of friendship. To me, a friend is someone I share my interests with, someone I talk to. It doesn't have to mean perfect equality in every respect or exclude any interdependence: you can depend on people in different ways. I am financially dependent on dh, but we are still equals in other ways. My disabled friend depends on her friends to help her, but that does not exclude equality in other ways. As dd grows up, she will depend on us financially for a few more years, but she will depend less and less on us for decision making. And when we talk about professional interests, we will be interacting as equals- as did my mother and I. Can't ask someone to proof-read your work/share responsibility for your business/help run the farm if you cannot in some way speak to them as adults.

By the time I left home my parents had certainly got into the habit of treating me as an adult. Otherwise it would have been a bit of an abrupt change when I suddenly moved from home and started managing my own finances.
The dependence thing shifts as you grow up, eventually it will be more a case of my parents being dependent on me than the other way round (has already happened with MIL, and would I imagine have been far more painful if she had never got used to seeing dh as grown-up).

Clearly though cory it is possible to speak to someone in an appropriate way when they are also dependendent on you without you having to be friends or that meaning that you are friends. I speak to DS' teacher in an appropriate way and whilst we have a pleasant relationship, I would not describe us as friends. As we found on parent's evening we also share some interests but we still are not friends because the parent/teacher relationship supercedes any friendship which may have developed. Over time we might even come to be friends but we could not do this whilst she is DS' (or any of my children's, or even likely to become any of my children's) teacher.

Using finances as an example; I am a SAHM but I am not financially dependent on DH, his salary goes into our joint account. Neither one of us has more or less right to, or control over, the money or does more or less to earn it - he is able to WOH because I am at home with our children. My young children are very dependent on us to buy everything for them (although the 4 year old has 20p pocket money each week) whereas my 19 year old brother, who has a very close and adult relationship with my mum and dad is still dependent on them financially during uni holidays and to pay for his accommodation. I still depend on my parents for occasional emotional support as does my mum with my grandma. The longevity and endurance of the feelings between a parent and a child should far surpass friendship and the issues caused by shifting levels of dependence over time in a way that rarely exists in a friendship and to me is not contained within the definition of the word friend. Those friends, I would consider to be more like family and would describe as such.

What you mention as 'interdependence' in reference to your adult friends interests me because I agree. The word 'interdependence' is very different to the word 'dependence'. An adult who choses a friendship with another adult has established an equality of power purely through the choice. You don't choose your children nor them you so if you happen to share or find common interests it is wonderful but no matter what your differences it is necessary to maintain a relationship. When a child is described as 'a dependent' the balance of power within a relationship is with the parent, as the child gains more independence the power gradually shifts. Perhaps there is a time when the power is more equal (when the parent is beginning to become dependendent on the child) but I suspect this is brief, followed by a time when the parent may become dependent on the child and the power becomes unequal again. This kind of pre-existing bond in familial relationships, for me, means in terms of my own definition of friendship, you cannot be friends with your children.

Im 37 and an only child..I do consider that I now have a friendship with my mum..but at the same time..she is still my mum..which means shes worries about me..still tells me off for not eating my crusts and she is the first person I ring when I need advice