Do you consider your child your "friend"?

[emkana]

I don't consider my children my friends, but I know some mothers who see it differently - even for a child as young as 8. My children are 8,6 and 3 and I do appreciate the changing relationship especially with the eldest (dd), but at the moment my feeling is that it should never be a friendship? Thoughts?

It changes over time

Most of the time, I like to think we're on the same side

Some of the time I have to be public enemy number 1. Particularly at bedtime, I notice. Also, whenever they are hungry. Low blood sugar is the enemy of happy parenting.

I really feel for Mugglewump (and anyone else who has the same). As a mother of adults I found the transition stage from feckless teen to competent adult a tricky thing to manage. There were times that a couple of people (my own daughter once) said I was being a bit hard on them simply because I didn't step in and do it all for them.

The university crockery thing is one example: I felt like the only parent who told my DCs to sort their own stuff out, simply because they would know what they would want (they took stuff from the family home or we funded it and I added a couple of suggestions - like maybe my daughter would want at least one saucepan).

(I went into parenting with the idea that I'd never TELL my DCs to do anything and it would all be consensual and negotiated and I wouldn't need to boss them around because I was living in some sort of fairy land that only exists in the mind of first pregnancies)

Yes. He is my very best pal. Things may change when he grows up (he is 8 wks old).

I am always suspicious of adult mother-daughter combos who claim that they are 'more like sisters' or of women who say their mum is their best friend.

I'm really good pals with my dcs: but first and foremost I am their mother.

I read somewhere that problems occur where the parent is trying to ingratiate themselves with their child - trying to please them or somehow make their friendship seem more attractive than that of their peers.

Sil has always been "best friends" with her dds. She has bred some real numpties, I'm afraid. The eldest goes around arm in arm with her mother, has no friends of her own age and defers to her mother's every opinion. When your dc is 5 and they say "You're my best friend, Mummy!" it's cute and heartwarming. When a 20-year-old says it it's downright creepy and sad.

Gramercy I don't know your nieces but think that's a bit harsh. My friends DD was like this but she moved to the other end of the country and lives an totally independent now and has an active social life. She will still walk arm in arm with her mum when she comes home. Isn't that nice?

No. Seen enormous trouble with'young parents' wanting to be best friends, which usually included flirting with their daughter's/ son's friends/boyfriends. Just not good.

Ha! Well, I am a 'young parent' (25 4 dcs ranging from 4 month old twins to 4 year old) and I think you can't be both a friend and a parent. If you try there is likely to be a time when you have to neglect the friendship side to favour the parent side which I think expolits a child' emotions somewhat. It's not fair to chop and change between the two - I'll be your friend when it suits but pull rank when I feel like it. With my children when I would put on the parent hat would be to say things like "Don't run out onto the road" or "Eat up your vegetables too before you have pudding". I think trying to be friends with your children will therefore, inevitably, be confusing for a child and I feel can undermine not only your authority as a parent but the security of your relationship. I don't find it cute when my little ones say "You're my best friend mummy". I always say "No, lovey - I'm your mummy!" Then we talk about the differences between mummies and friends and why a mummy can't be a friend. I do think you can be friends with your siblings though, although it is not a requirement of the relationship!!! Friends don't stay friends forever, or necessarily love you whereas mummies love you no matter what. Suppose I wouldn't want my children to see me as a friend and I'm not sure why people do a parent/child relationship is surely much more important and fulfilling.

Haven't read all the posts, sorry.

My parents split when I was 16 and for the preceding few years my Mum spilled the beans to me about my Dad - including the ,ahem, marital issues. I was uncomfortable about it at the time and told her so, but her response was that she had no one else to talk to about it ( she has loads of friends ).

My relationship with my Dad was ruined for a good 10 years and I look back on it now with sorrow - she was treating me as a friend rather than a daughter and it was very wrong.

I will as a consequence never cross this line with my own DC.

I don't think you can develop a friendship until they are adults. I think its hard to see them as equals until then.

Curiosity, when the children are older it does become different. You can't do baby talk any more and if you have sensible teens you may go for weeks without ever needing to tell them off. So what are you going to talk to them about if you can't talk to them like near-adults? Or are you just going to stop talking? And what if you happen to have shared interests? Not all of us are going to be sharing fags and bottles of vodka, but then not all teens are that into fags and illicit bottles of vodka either. As it so happens, dd and I share our main interests. Does that mean I have to give up an interest that I've had since a child, or that she is not allowed to develop it, or that we just pretend we're not interested in the same thing and never talk about it? Or should I develop some babyish way of talking to her (which is not appropriate to her age and maturity) just to stress the family hierarchy?

I used to do proofreading for my mother as a teen; she now does it for me; when we are talking about work related issues we have always talked like equals- as you would expect with the person who is proofreading your dissertation (I was about 14 when I did hers and, though I say it myself, probably did a better job than any of her colleagues at the time could have done).

It absolutely did not confuse me that we sometimes had this working relationship while at other times she was still providing guidance; it helped to prepare me for adult life.

Some children go into the family business as they grow older and eventually take it over; they have to find a business like way of talking to each other like co-workers.

I am definitely not my DS's friend. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun together, chat together, cuddle, be silly, etc etc. The parental role doesn't have to be all stern finger-wagging, and if you describe yourself as not being your child's friend it doesn't make you an instant boring bossy-boots. It just means you have a clear idea of the difference between your roles.

Also as your children get older it's essential to alter the way you communicate with them - when they're still growing up (which I'd say extends to about the age of 25, esp for males) I think being a 'parent' is more paramount, except with lessening degrees of control over them.

I can't say what my relationship with my children will be like when they're adults - I truly hope to still be alive at that stage (unlike my parents) but I expect it will involve a great deal of mutual respect.

When the DC's are little then I can understand why parents think their role is not to be their friends but once the DC's are young adults/older teens then I really hope that attitude changes. Very if not.

I was concerned about gramercy's post on how tragic it was for her niece to link arms with her mum and enjoy her mums company above the peer group and realised that this is the relationship I have with my DD. She does have more fun with me but it's not something I have tried to cultivate. It just happened that way. I do try and push her out with her friends .

I think its embaressing when parents say they are best friends with their kids..

it usually means that they cant be bothered to step up and be the one thing all kids need and want..
a good, solid, never changing, always there mum and dad

I think some of you must have very narrow definitions of what friendship means. I don't think I'm sad because my mum is one of my best friends. I have a number of other best friends, and I certainly don't live in her pocket.

If she or I were trying to force the issue, I can see that it might be unhealthy. But why shouldn't I treat my mum as a best friend? Why shouldn't I talk things through with her if I want to? She's a really nice woman, and I like her.

This maybe reads somewhat defensively, I don't mean it to be. I am just surprised by the fact that there are some suggestions that such a relationship is somehow creepy/damaging.

It very much depends on your perception of friendship.

Ds1's dad always wanted to be his friend. This, in his mind, meant that he never had to tell ds1 off, do the boring chores etc. It literally meant that he could play with ds1 when he felt like it and abandon him when he didn't feel like it.

I have a laugh with ds1, we go on days out together which he says he really enjoys as we have fun, but no, he's not my friend. That's maybe because at the moment he still needs such a lot of parenting (and it's hard work just now)- if he was an adult friend I would definitely consider the friendship to be too much work and wonder whether it was worth it!!

But, in years to come- yes, I hope that we'll be friends- but my mothering role will always come first.

Being a parent is fundementally different from friendship.

As a mother I am responsible for my children, my job is to protect them, nurture them, discipline them, teach them, make sacrifices for them, give my life and anything in the world for them whether I feel like I particuarly like them or enjoy their company or get much from the relationship myself at any given time.

This is so far removed from anything I would expct from a friendship that I really couldn't regard my sons as my friends.

The role of a mother is so fundemenatlly different, it's deeper, more complex, the love so intense and the desire to protect so deep, that I could not regard it as 'friendship'.

I have many friends, good strong friendships, but I'd never had any experience like being a mother until I became a mother. Being a mother is so different to being a friend.

Realtionships are not defined by what you do together, you can go to the cinema with your friend or your child but the underlying realtionship is still totally different.

good post smileyspeepul

Surely it depends on the age of the child - I may have missed some posts but most of the "I am a mother not a friend" posts seem to come from people with younger DCs,and the posts thinking you can be a friend as well from people with older kids,or who are talking about their relationship with their own parents as an adult.Which makes sense,IMO - the role will change,won't it?

Good posts,cory and MoChan.

When my Mum was alive she was one of my best friends,part of that was that she was Mum,but all friendships are different - you do different thing with different friends.

Interesting...
I decided early on in my DC's lives that for me to be as successful a parent as I could be, I would have to accept that my children would never love me, care for me or treat with the same devotion that I invest in them. That kind of love would be reserved for their own children, and so on and so on.
I see friendships as a MUTUAL exchange of care for one another, so, that being said, I cannot consider myself a friend to my children in the ways I consider I would be to my own peers.
I can befriend my children, show them the respect and love they deserve, but cannot expect the same in return from them, and nor should I.
I LIKE my DCs (most of the time) and enjoy their company (again, most of the time), however if I made the same expectations of them as I would of those I call my friends, I would risk stifling them and potentially crippling their ability to take the risks required in forming good relationships with other.
Also, as other posters have said, discipline and 'tough love' need to be applied occasionally and this is very hard to do within the context of a traditional friendship.
Both my DCs at some point, have yelled at me "Mummy, you're not my FRIEND any more" when I have had to exert some discipline. My retort has always been "No- I'm not - I'm your MOTHER - and I love you which is why I'm doing this"

You may have many friends in life but you will only ever have one mother.

Pogleswood I aggree
I am only "friends" with ds now that he is 18, of course we arn't friends like we are with our real friends iynwim, but it is just a noticble change in our relationship.

I consider my mum one of my closest friends. That has happened since I was about 16/17 and it was just the two of us living at home - a whole different dynamic happened. She is still my parent though iyswim.

I am a friendly parent

I would have to agree with emkana that there is a time for the parent to be a parent and time to be a friend.
I really believe you can't discipline your friend, you can only offer guidance and suggestions. Under the age of a mid-teen, a parent should be a parent not a mate. Older teens you can be friends

I always prefer to learn by other people's mistakes. And MIL has always treated DH as a friend. To the extent of confiding relationship problems when he was a child, explaining (over and over) why his Dsis was a bad person, having him phone the ambulance when her 2nd husband beat her up...

I'm a mother. That's my job.

If we can be friends when DS grows up, then that'll surely only be because I was a good enough mother - no?

if friendship includes lots of trolley surfing -yes yes yes.
But seriously....think my teenage boys still want me to be their mum rather than their mate-and definately don't want me to be friends with their mates!!- clear boundaries seem to be what its all about