Do you consider your child your "friend"?

[emkana]

I don't consider my children my friends, but I know some mothers who see it differently - even for a child as young as 8. My children are 8,6 and 3 and I do appreciate the changing relationship especially with the eldest (dd), but at the moment my feeling is that it should never be a friendship? Thoughts?

That was one of the things that I enjoyed most about my own parents, that they were not desperately afraid to lose control: they could afford to enjoy some very adult sharing as we grew older, because they trusted us to respect them. As a result, our relationship is still very good.

I agree with you! I aim to more approachable than my parents were, but if I'm a friend, it's the kind of friend who orders them to step away from the telly and do their homework, and turns nasty when cheeked. That would be a pretty weird kind of friend.

Muggle that is my Mother too.

She never told me there was going to be a lodger, a LODGER living in the house with us ffs he just moved in and she pretended some nonsense. She would tell me I was eating chicken when it was actually Rabbit (I was 12). She NEVER stepped out of authoritaitve parent role, even now. It has caused me so many problems in life. It was so utterly disrespectful to my maturity; I couldn't cash a cheque at 15, or learn a bus route.

I would have loved the "friend" attitude, a little bit of equal footing, girly stuff. I yearned for it and that is the relationship I want to cultivate with DD.

See nothing weird about a friend who objects to rudeness: I won't put up with rudeness from my peers or colleagues, why should I?

Mrs Pixie I could be here all day.
When I went to Uni, I wanted a couple of plates/bowls/mugs/pint glasses. She bought me a dinner service and set of 6 fancy wine glasses, as she knew best and then tried to make me be grateful, to which I said she wasn't listening to me again.
She told me not to be silly. I heard that a lot. Bullied at school, I was being silly, was upset about anything, being silly, any time (most really) she didn't want to listen, yep silly.

The time she told her friend I was having bad IBS episodes, and then denied it and said I must have told her.
Yes, because I often discussed my diarrhoea with my mother's friends.

When she told me I'd filled in a job application all wrong, and she should have done it for me.

When I was pg with DD and worried about the hospital, she knew best what it was like, never having given birth there herself, just knowing because she was the adult and her friend at work (also an adult, at two years older than I was) told her.

It makes me sad as she died when I was 8 months pregnant, and though I hate to say it, I sometimes wonder if I'm a better mother because of that. I don't know that she would have let me be a mother, without taking over, undermining me and having to know best, as I was a child, and no doubt being silly.

I really try hard to share things with DD, music, TV, bike rides, even choosing food or a new brand of shampoo!, and to foster shared interests, even though she's only 8, because I don't want to find myself so removed from her and not knowing when to treat her as the teen/adult she will become.

I am the parent, but DD is as much part of the home as I am, and deserves a voice and to be listened to and taken seriously, which I never was, being the eternal (silly) child.

i disagree with the op.
ds is now 18 and although I am still his mum, I like to be his friend too, dd is 14(sn) and we are forever friends
but if your children are very small doubt they would think of you as a friend iynwim

And I should have added, DD deserves to have fun at home too so I will watch one of her DVD' or TV programmes, I'll play DS or do a jigsaw, I'll do her hair, we might have a bath together or do makeovers. I'll slide down the stairs in sleeping bags, or hide in cupboards.

I let her learn too, to work the washing machine, to hoover, to cook. I let her do this at her own pace, and don't make her feel bad, or act all superior if she gets it wrong, nor so I treat her like a toddler if she does it well.
I praise her in a normal fashion, and treat her like the capable 8yr old she is.

Muggle v weird are you me?

It is of paramount importance to me that I respect DD as her OWN person, that I give her privacy, not "her own room" kind of privacy but privacy of the spirit, and soul.

My Mother was so overbearing about my body, she was still telling me to put bum cream on and God knows what age. She was so nosey about my personal life and criticised any hair/ make-up exploration "I will always know what you are getting up to you know, a Mother knows these things". I was treated like a baby until I left home, seriously like a baby. I didn't even know you could learn to drive at 16.

My friends were awful in her opinion, I since read with girls it is so important that you try to accept their friends because that is really who girls feel they are and if you reject them it is also a massive rejection of your daughter.

I sometimes feel myself slipping into her authoratative mode but I stop myself. I want DD to feel relaxed and comfortable with me and learn lots of new experiences together. My Mother did not actually know the meaning of fun, lighthearted goggly girly fun. It affected me so dreadfully I think I may have gone the other way in my parenting style.

Children have lots of friends, but only two parents. I think it's important to be their parent while they're young and need that guidance.

I'm influence by my mum on this who always cringed when she heard someone say they were best friends with their DC. she felt that it cheapened the title and role of mum and that the mother child relationship was something much more special and shouldn't be demeaned to be called friendship, a relationship that you can have with almost anyone.
So no I'm not friends with my DC.

Cory, you're right about my MIL and the idea of following her lead appalled me - one of the reasons we couldn't really get on too well. She has always behaved as a spoilt teenager but honestly thinks that she is her kids' best friend. It's horrible trying to work around it.

Forgot to add we are very close and she is a loving wonderful mother than I'm so utterly grateful that she was mine.

My girls, and I include DSD, are not my friends while I have responsibility for them, but I parent them with the thought in mind that I will know them as adults far longer than I know them as children, and I would hope friendship will grow from the relationship we have now. It has with DSD.

I would say that my DD and I are friends foremost now. She is 15. My role as a parents is and has been predominantley to offer guidance rather than discipline for a long time now.

I was told by my (at that time, recently aboandoned/ left/ divorced) mother at just 12 that I was her best friend. It caused me problems for many years.

I suppose it depends on how you define 'friend'.

I cannot bear the 'we are more like sisters or friends than mother and daughter' type relationship which seems to mean the mother dressing like her DD and nicking her fags.

I dont feel I can call myself my DS1's friend because we do not share the same interests and ideals just now (he is 16), we dont seem to have anything in common. Other DSs are too young IMO to be my friends.

I was very very close to DD but I couldnt be her friend. I was her carer and I had to make her do things that she didnt want to and hurt her. I had to make decisions about stuff that only a parent could do.

But we shared so much (as friends would) but ultimately I was her mum because I did stuff only a mum could do for her.

But the idea of being a friend to your child in a different context from described in first bit of my post sounds lovely. I suppose you can be both but its a different sort of friendship isnt it?

So glad that I have boys because my mum certainly saw me more as a friend than a parent, sharing her cigarettes with me, gossiping about her MIL and my brother, demanding support when things were going badly for her...

Not good, and no I wouldn't count her as a friend now, though I have made my peace with her I still don't trust her... She demanded my friendship when I was to young to give it and it has damaged our relationship and potential friendship.

moid that is the sort of 'friendship* that I think of when people talk about being friends with their children. I suppose this is unfair as many posters clearly do not have this sort of relationship with their children but its the one that immediately springs to mind.

It seems a cop out from parenting. The perks without the responsibilities. Over burdening children and not allowing them to feel safe and free.

Sorry that you had to deal with all that.

my parents were not my 'friends' and i wouldn't want to be 'friends' with my children - for one simple reason, i don't believe that children should have to comfort and support their parents, or be exposed to their parent's deepest worries and insecurities - the relationship is not symmetrical.

i am now a little more my mum's 'friend' but i still don't think she'd always come to me immediately if she was upset as she still likes to protect me and doesn't like me to worry

Reading posters negative definition of friends most certainly isn't the sort of friendship I have with my DD. I don't burden her with my worries, share my fags, have my own friends for grown up stuff, am still her carer etc.

I mean in the way that I don't have to treat her as a child because she isn't one anymore.

I would say my role is more to "parent" than be a freind. That doesn't mean that I don't do things with my children that are great fun.
Deep down I don't think a parent's role is to be a freind as in do exactly what you would do with a best mate. Eg smoke behind the bike sheds, wag school together, drink a bottle of vodka at 15 etc etc.
I think all children need to be shown boundaries and freinds don't always do that.
I can think of countless kids who have grown up wild and regretted that their parents didn't act more like a responsible adult rather than a rather wild best mate where anything went.
Also in my house it is not a democracy, myself and dh are in charge, we always explain decisions though but I don't like all this asking for childrens opinions on every single subject regardless of a child's mental capacity to demonstrate reason. I feel that a lot of authority, including schools, fall down on this too and it really becomes a free for all.

I think you can be friendly but I am not my son's friend, and I don't think of my Mum as a friend either. She is my Mum and has "earned" a position above and beyond that of a friend.

Our house is not a democracy, it is a benign dictatorship. All of DS's needs are met and his wants are taken into consideration for decisions but the decisions are made by DH and I.

My mum said of my DSis and I that we had grown up to be her good friends,and that's what I would want for my relationship with my children.
So now I am more parent than friend and more so for DS(10) than DD(15),but ultimately I hope we will become friends,sharing some common interests,enjoying each other's company,able to talk etc (no plans to dress like them or nick their fags though!)
And now I type that it sounds a bit twee and rather unlikely - oh well...

My parents were definitely parents when I was growing up. I now consider them to be very good friends (and parents who will always be there for me and my family) I would be thrilled to achieve the same relationship with my children.

bloody well said mp
my parenting ethos exactly