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Original poster

Do you consider your child your "friend"?

107 replies

emkana · 16/03/2010 22:27

I don't consider my children my friends, but I know some mothers who see it differently - even for a child as young as 8. My children are 8,6 and 3 and I do appreciate the changing relationship especially with the eldest (dd), but at the moment my feeling is that it should never be a friendship? Thoughts?

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overmydeadbody · 17/03/2010 07:43

My adult friends consider my DS to be their friend too, and have great friendhips with him, he is the only child in my circle of camping friends and when we go camping for weekends he is definately treated like anyone else by the group, it is only me who 'parents' him, he needs me to be his parent more than he needs me to be his friend.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 17/03/2010 07:43

No. I don't. My role is not friend and I think if I tried to be that, I wouldn't be able to fulfil the role of parent successfully.

I am not my children's mate, pal, buddy. I am their mother - that means support, discipline, love, tough love You can't be their mate because you have to be in control, guide and shape them. A mate is an equal, a peer, the relationship is very different from a parent, who has to discipline and guide.

That said, my children can always trust me and I will always love and support them, but as a mother, not a mate.

cory · 17/03/2010 07:54

I don't see why one needs to exclude the other. When dd (13) and I go to theatre, or discuss books, or watch a film together, we talk very much as I would talk to a colleague. Doesn't interfere in any way with my fulfilling the disciplining role when I need to. It's not about being inconsistent, it's about reacting differently to different situations.

You do hear a lot about parents who are so anxious to be their children's mates that they can't discipline then. But that isn't parents so anxious not to fall out of their role as Parents that they never seem able to have an adult conversation with their teens. Which means that once the children grow out of the cute kiddie stage, they never really seem to talk to them for the pleasure of interacting with them as individuals- every conversation is somehow about discipline.

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Stillcounting · 17/03/2010 07:57

Absolutely not. Never understand it when parents say this. Don't you have adult friends of your own?

I'm dd's mother - quite clear - that doesn't stop me having lots of laughs with her though and doing things with her that friends would do. Nor does it mean that her opinion doesn't matter or isn't counted.

But ultimately I'm responsible for her safety and most aspects of her development and she relies on me to set boundaries and limits.

Also, on the subject of communication, although I hope she feels she can talk to me about everything and anything, I hope it will be as her ma (ie someone (hopefully!) wiser and older) and not as a peer.

I've seen it go badly wrong in two families (one on dh's side of family) where the relationship between mother and daughter is so interwined, interdependent, and stifling, that the daughter's future life and potential or current relationships have been utterly destroyed. Utterly selfish behaviour on the part of the mother.

gorionine · 17/03/2010 08:04

I do not consider my children as my equals. I am responsable for them, they are no responsable for me. I play with them, have a good laugh with them, I have respect for them but it is not a friendship.

As a grown up my my relationship with my parents has turned into friendship and I am confident that when my DC grow up our relation wil turn into friendship too but ATM I prefer to be the parent.

I think that while one is totally dependent on the other there cannot be a true friendship in the way I understand friendship works.

cory · 17/03/2010 08:07

I don't know why half a sentence fell out of my post. Try again:
"But that isn't what I see in RL. What I see is parents so anxious not to fall out of their role as Parents that they never seem able to have an adult conversation with their teens."

blinder · 17/03/2010 08:13

I consider my 12yo son bloody good company. He's absolutely hilarious. Not looking forward to the day when it's no longer cool to go to galleries with mum

gorionine · 17/03/2010 08:36

I consider all my Dcs as good company, they're still not my friends though.

mummyflood · 17/03/2010 08:39

As a family, we share a lot of interests like friends do. Eg, myself and both DS's share a lot of music taste, but not all. DH and the lads are very passionate football fans and worship each Saturday together. We laugh a lot together, do a lot together, and generally enjoy each others company. However, now that they are 16 and 14, I have reluctantly offered to call it a day on the rock concerts with DS1 after Green Day in June , he wants to go with his mates now obviously, so I will have to find someone my own age to play with! Also, DH has been relegated from football away games in favour of group of mates.

But they still know we are their parents first, usually appreciate where the boundaries are, and look to us for guidance, support and nurturing, etc. JMO but I think it's vital to be involved/take an interest in their interests, IYSWIM, in order to bond and have a good relationship with them. It works for us so far!!

blinder · 17/03/2010 08:55

Gorionine my post wasn't aimed at you.

gorionine · 17/03/2010 08:57

I did not think it was just for me, I thought it was for everybody, therefore I added my own bit!

blinder · 17/03/2010 08:59

Gorionine my post wasn't aimed at you

blinder · 17/03/2010 09:00

Sorry bloody iPhone!

gorionine · 17/03/2010 09:01

I know that now ,blinder

blinder · 17/03/2010 09:03

No I don't suppose I do consider my dcs my friends. But there are elements of friendship like shared jokes, honesty, fun.

The difference is it's more of a one way street. I am here for them but I done expect them to be there for me.

Sorry Gorionine!

blinder · 17/03/2010 09:04

Don't not done

twopeople · 17/03/2010 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hazeyjane · 17/03/2010 09:08

I was just about to post a similar thing, Blinder.

I think there are elements of friendship in the relationship that i have with my dd's, in the same way that there are elements of friendship in my relationship with my dh - but the relationships are too complex to define with one term.

Jux · 17/03/2010 11:28

MIL says she's a friend to her kids, but that seems to mean letting them walk all over her so that they'll like her. She never says to either of them, which results in appalling situations and bad behaviour from both of them.

My parents were my friends, but not until I was grown up and had left home. Even then, they weren't like my other friends because they were still my parents.

I want to get on well with dd, but I want to be her parent first and foremost. I told MIL that anyone can be dd's friend but only I can be her mum. Went right over her head mind you. She indulges dd to a ridiculous degree because she wants -to- -be- -her- -friend- dd to like her. What'll happen is that dd will walk all over her and have no respect for her, just like dh and SIL do.

cory · 17/03/2010 11:37

I don't let my friends walk all over me.

morningpaper · 17/03/2010 11:42

I have no desire to "be friends" with my children

It's my job to make them into nice members of society

If they grow up into people that I like, then I've done my job

If they grow up into people that like me, then that's a total bonus

cory · 17/03/2010 11:48

Who has this whimpish attitude towards their friends then, of never daring to say no for fear they won't like you? Or is "being a friend to your child" just a code word for "behaving in a totally whimpish manner that is completely unlike how most adult friendships are actually conducted". Jux' MIL doesn't seem to be behaving like a friend at all, more like an insecure 15yo on her first date.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 17/03/2010 11:56

"What I see is parents so anxious not to fall out of their role as Parents that they never seem able to have an adult conversation with their teens." totally agree with that.

I think the role of a parent is on a sort of curve leading towards friendship. As babies of course you're not a friend at all, they don't have the mental capacity to have friendsgips and they just need their needs met; as they grow from toddlerhood onward they learn alot from us about social skills, which leads to them understanding friendship....and this increases and increases imo as they grow.

I do know people who are unable to have an adult to adult relationship with their adult children - it's so sad, and weird, to see them still trying to relate as a parent - rather than an equal human being. It's very emotionally immature, it seems to me.

Friendship with your kids (as they grow) is a huge part I think of the multi layered and multi dimensional parent child relationship I think.

2old4thislark · 17/03/2010 12:00

My mother is my mother, not my friend.

I was def a 'parent' when my kids were little but now they are 17 & 19 I like to think they are friends. My DS tells me everything - more or less! My DD and I like to have outings and spend time together but we are similar characters.

muggglewump · 17/03/2010 16:00

""What I see is parents so anxious not to fall out of their role as Parents that they never seem able to have an adult conversation with their teens."

That was my mother.
She never seemed to see me as anything other than a 7yr old.
My opinions didn't count for anything, she always knew better because she was the adult, I was always wrong, nothing I liked mattered.
I just wasn't interesting to her as another adult.

If I did housework, or cooked she'd either make me know she could do it better, being the adult and all, or praise me in an over the top manner, as you would with a toddler learning to walk.

I hated it and resent her for it still and she's been dead more than 8 years.

I have avoided this with my daughter.