If you have 3 children come and chat here

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

DS1 - 8.10
DD - 6.5
DS2 - 4.7

It doesn't matter which 2 children we have (with 1 at a party or the in laws) there is a different vibe to when all 3 are here. Do you find that?

Through wanting my children to have a better childhood than mine I have been too soft with them, not consistent at all and killed off any instincts I had.

DS1 is the most difficult at the moment and has been for quite a while. I discovered in therapy that I am scared of him. I tried to be more confident and consistent but he is really really trying.

Just this minute DS2 called me because DS1 went in to his room and turned his light on (they are all in bed) and also told him he had had a drink. I have brought him down, with ds1 complaining saying What have I done What have I done?, and he is now doing lines. FFS what do you do with a child who just will not do as he is told, doesn't know when to stop and does not care whatever you say to him?

I feel so desperately as I know we have had too many children but I love them so much and couldn't be without them. I could be without his attitude though.

I have:

DS1 - 6
DS2 - 4
DS3 - 1

I know only too well that feeling you have described, as I sometimes feel like that as well. More so as DS2 has autism, and needs a lot of attention. I often feel so sorry for DS1 as he gets the least amount of attention and seems to have a lot of responsibility when I ask him to help me do this or that.

We had decided to have no more children when DS2 was dxed, but nature had other plans, and I conceived ds3 that very weekend!

And yes, having just two around has such a different feeling to all three being there.

i think its normal for your ds1's age tbh , my ds attitude kicked in at that age , he is 11yrs next week & still has his moments but life is a lot better these days , sounds to me like he is just pushing his boundaries to see how far he can go , iykwim .

5inthebed- your 3rd dc was obviously meant to be.

I know you are right biggirls, any tips for how to handle him? I try and ignore as much as I can but it is hard to do sometimes.

I have ds1 7
dd 4.5
ds2 13 weeks

Ds1 is quite hard work at times. Gets over excited and has tantrums and can winge a lot! Would love more 1 -1 attention which I can't give

Can I ask why he is doing lines ?

I like to think so Fab . Especially as I had had fertility treatment to conceive ds1+2 and was told I could never conceive naturally. I found out I was pregnant at an awful time though, as DFIL was diagnosed with cancer the day before I done the test and died two weeks later.

DS1(17)
DD1(9)
DD2(2)
DSS(9)
DSS(7)

I have three natural children and 2 stepchildren. I totally understand what you mean about having different vibes around the house.

I can also relate to previous upbringing and wanting something more loving and close knit for your own.

I don't think you have too many children. I think some days you look at them all and go "aaahhh.." and other days are like you have had today! Everything has a good and bad side to it, even our little cherubs!

Don't get down about it. When you close your eyes tonight know that tomorrow will be a new day and fingers crossed will be lovely!

princessmel - he is doing lines because of going in his brother's room and being a pain on top of being rude and naughty all day. He is now refusing to do them.

rasputin - I had to read your ages list a cuple of times as i couldn't understand hot you could have 2 children 4 months apart!

Oh 5inabed, that is hard. So sorry. My nana died 10 days before ds2 was born and I was so hurt that she told me she had had enough and the baby coming didn't give her the will to live. I do understand though as she had been a widow for over 25 years and had had enough.

well what worked for us was taking all his gadgets away eg - psp , ds , mobile phone etc , ds went through a cocky stage of standing up to me , so dh & i sat him down together & let him know there was no way we were going to accept his behaviour , i think boarding school was threatened at one stage but it worked , also instead of engaging in an argument ( ds knows how to press our buttons) we send him to his room until we have calmed down then go & talk to him .

Fab my 3 are virtually same age and order as yours. Oldest can be a bit of a wind up merchant but I tend to find that knowing what motivates him helps. He thrives on responsibility (DH is away tonight and he has read to both of the others), and he loves the computer, when he has totally pushed the limits he gets a screen ban, which seems to work for him. DD on the other hand... we seem to clash and DH is much better at dealing with her.

biggirls - ds1 doesn't have any gadgets to take away other than dh's old laptop and a ban from going on the family computer. He doesn't seem that bothered though and it doesn't help when I forget I have said it and let him go on it. He usually reminds me .

He has just given us both a piece of paper coloured in red crayon and said it is a red card for being the worst parent.

DS1 needs one to one attention, time away from the other two but it is just impossible with dh out of the house 7.45-6.15 and bedtime being 7 ish.

We have 3 - 3 1/2 and under...Rest assured everyone feels like this at times (they'd be lying if they said not!)...and I have friends with 1 or 2 DCs who feel like you - so don't beat yourself up about it. We all have fab days and crap days - its life...and hopefully the fab days will outweigh the crap mostly.
Mine are younger but I do find that committing to spending some 1-1 time every day makes a huge difference- even to read a story...plus surprising them by doing really silly things to make them laugh...otherwise they can become resentful and naughty, and I feel better about it all anyway.
You didn't have too many children - and I suspect your 8 year old is trying to get your attention at whatever cost. I would completely take the wind out of his sails by taking him out on your own for a treat. Children can't always express themselves and will resort to whatever means to get your attention sometimes...so by doing something special with just him, he may feel special in return and may not feel the need to act so difficult - just a thought.

lol at him giving you a red card he sounds like a character ,
my ds used to drive me up the wall - if i banned him from one toy he would stomp off up to his room & throw all his stuff into a bag & tell me " well you can take everything see if i care " well after a few hours of pure boredom he cared all right
try not let your ds wind you up fab , you are doing your best , sometimes when ds tries to annoy us now we just hug him & 9 / 10 it dissolves the situation before it blows up .

Thanks all

I half expected lots of as I have posted so much about him.

I have sent him to bed now having told him his attitude is unacceptable and he needs to stop with it and the answering back and rudeness. Tomorrow is another day...

now stick that kettle on & relax

ds1 7y6m
ds2 4y10m
ds3 1y4m

Yes to all your points! The worst combination is ds1 and ds2 together and ds1 is or 'wrost' behaved too.

I have had the 'right' amont of chldren for me but it is bloody hard work.

DH ahnd I agree it is the RELENTLESSNESS of it all that is soooo draining

You are so right, popsycal. Relentlessness is exactly right. It is swimming against the tide over and over again and a constant battle to just tread water.

stff that works with ds1

• catch him being good and praise to the hilt
• allow a later bedtime (sometimes weekends only ) so he can get special time with dh and i

I am praising as much as I can whenever I can but they seem bemused.

He can stay up a little bit more but by then we are shattered and just want dinner and some peace.

i know that feeling too

we catch ourselves usher them ALL up at about 6:30 then rem,ember he is almost 8

Hi Fab, sorry that you are feeling this way. Sadly, i often have similar feelings (though I did lol about the 'red card' incident). I have:

DD1 - 6.0
DS - 2.4
DD2 - 0.4

I also sometimes feel like i have had one child too many. I reminisce, longingly, remebering a time when my 'perfect' family of 2 children was sooo damn good, that i felt that i just had to have another, just to enjoy more of the sheer happiness and brilliance of my family set up. i.was.deluded.

DD1 often tells me that i love the others more than her. she comments daily on the attention lavished on DD2 and is too young to grasp that she is a baby - a sickly baby at that, having been in hospital 4 times already. She will write notes expressing her upset if she has been told off. she tells me that SHOUTING ALL THE TIME does not make any difference and that she just switches off to it because then i will just shout all the time to make her be good . i have episode where i feel like a bad parent, knowing that i need to parent better, but only feeling like im doing worse.

DD1 even once wrote a letter saying how lovely i am and that she is so proud of me. that letter is gathering dust, somewhere, as i havent 'earned' it yet - as per DD's instructions. but she has sometimes thanked me for not shouting and once, for being her mum.

HOWEVER

dd1 can be the sweetest, kindest little girl. she looks out for and after her little brother and sister and dotes on them both. she is funny, has a great sense of humour and quirky personality. each day i remember that as a parent i am a model to my children and the words of DD1 ring in my ears "calm down". I try to be the best i can each day, and that is all i can realistically ask of myself.

any tips also gratefully received by me.

DS2 is now crying. DH is with him. He had calpol a while ago as he said his ear hurt and he has had a perforated ear drum recently so I wasn't going to leave him in pain.

My eldest really yells and I know he is copying us . I need to have a mantra of walk away, ignore going permanently in my head.

Better go and see ds2.

fab

much to our horro, we have recently learned that the more annoyed we )(dh and I) are with each other, the worse the kids are

we have made a HUGE effort this week to stay calm, treat each other respectfully and calmly and to 'love' each other - and the boys have been noticeably better.

Gosh I want to cry reading what I have just written!

Poor little thing. I hope it was the right thing to do but I warmed a flannel and just cuddled him while holding it against his ear. He calmed immediately and after a lovely cuddle I have tucked him in.

popsycal - mostly dh and I are fine and rarely argue in front of the kids. They tease us if we kiss or hug in front of them.