Feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything I don't know - baby not even nearly here!

[Ozziegirly]

So, I"m in the very early stages of a much longed for pregnancy.

DH and I chatting over the weekend about maternity leave and what I'll be doing all day etc - and I kind of realise I have absolutely no idea about loads and loads of things.

Firstly, on a practical level, how do I know what kit I need? I am guessing a moses basket, cot, car seat, pram, sling, some clothes and nappies? Am I missing something vital from there?

And secondly, how will I know what to actually do with my baby? I hope that the nappy changing/feeding etc will be covered at ante natal classes, but what do I do the rest of the time to amuse him/her?

I have loads of time to learn but suddenly feel like I will be totally out of my depth with a small person totally dependent on me, and I will not have an idea how to actually bring them up.

Is there a book that can help a first time mother with zero experience of babies? I've never even held a newborn!

I am sure that someone else will come along and answer all your questions. Nappy changing and feeding don't take up much time, unless you are a bit daft like me and think that everytime your dc pees you need to change their nappy . As far as kit goes, get the minimum. You don't need a moses basket and babies grow out of them very quickly although I will admit that they are useful.
I think your concern stems from the much longed for pregnancy bit. You want to be a perfect mother and have a perfect baby and routine. Brace yourself.

There are lots of books which, if you are like me will be your bible! I liked the 'What to Expect' books on pregnancy and the first year. Browse a few and see what you think yo like.

I remember feeling exactly as you do. In the early weeks you will be amazed how much time feeding and changing (and faffing) can take, but you will hopefully have time to adjust before the baby needs amusing. When they are small they need very little amusing - just looking at your face and being around you is enough. After that, parenthood IMHO is just staying one step ahead of your kids....you start feling like you know what to do, then something will come along and you will realise it's all done on the wing!

Good luck - nature has a great way of ensuring our babies needs are met - love.

You won't be out of your depth, yes there will be times when you are not sure, but nothing bad will happen. Newborns do very little, I'm sure to give you time to learn on the job

You will find your own pattern and things like nappy changing really are simple and the worst you will do for a while is change too frequently. Any book will show you the basics. There are online lists for things you need, if you search on MN there will be lots of threads or just keep starting your own!

You will be fine, you already want to love this baby and everything else will follow. Congratulations, it is a very exiting time.

You will be totally out of your depth at first - everyone is, even women who before having children were midwives or nannies because they've never looked after their own baby before. If it's any comfort the first nappy I ever changed was DS's (the midwife had put the very first one on him) on the post nantal ward and I had to look at the packet to see which way round it went (the half with the tapes goes at the back and fastens around the tummy by the way).

I second that in the first few weeks everything will take ages - don't worry about how you are going to fill your days, as soon as I had changed and fed DS it was time to change and feed him again.

One thing you do not need is those overpriced "complete" nursery equipment sets. And babies don't need clothes as such - not outfits anyway - they need vests (bodysuits), babygros (sleepsuits), a couple of cardigans and maybe some scratch mittens. Do buy muslins though - I wondered what on earth they were for but I soon learned (excellent burp cloth).

Really don't worry about "how I am going to bring them up". Take each day as it comes. You will surprise yourself - the way I thought I would be, even with a tiny baby, was completely different to how I was.

Second what everyone else says about it taking a long time to feed and change your first baby..

I would add that for the first few weeks all you really want to do is gaze at your baby. You'll talk, croon, rock, sing. And that's all the amusement your baby needs, the attention of his/her loving parents. (We have 3 DCs and have loads of completely redundant baby "toys" - they don't need them in the early months.)

The other thing is that you will feel tired like you have never felt in your life. This applies whether you are breast or bottle feeding, whatever labour you had (or even if you didn't labour at all) and however well your baby sleeps. It is nature's way of getting you to do nothing but look after your baby but by heck it comes as a shock.

You will be fine. Be kind to yourself. It'll be fab and so will you.

Thank you very much everyone, it's so nice to hear from you.

I have done loads of reading about getting pregnant, and then being pregnant, but then I suddenly realised that there is going to be a whole human, reliant on me. And I will probably feel like crap at the same time!

So Georgimama, can I ask - is a vest like an all in one thing? Or do they wear a vest under the all in one?

And if you don't have a moses basket, does that mean they go straight into a cot from day 1? What happens if there isn't enough room in our bedroom for our bed and a cot? (I can't tell!)

I guess the nice thing is, it's not like the baby will know what I should be doing, so he won't be judging me if I take ages to change a nappy.

Honestly, you will be fine. Before I had DS I had never even held a baby before.

As for what you will be doing initially...

Feeding. Changing. Looking at your baby for hours in amazement.

Have you any friends/relatives that have had children? Much easier to pick up the phone than look through a book IMHO.

And of course there is always mumsnet. Honestly, some of the things I posted on here when I had DS (including did I need to wake DS up as I'd realised I'd put his vest on inside out and was worried the label might irritate him)

Couple of words of advice...

Firstly all baby NEEDS initially is to be clean, fed, warm and loved. So thats baby wipes, nappies, water, blanket and its parents. Anything else on top is great.

And when I had DS I was totally on my own, no parter, no family and the first time I was on my own out of hospital i completely panicked. Then calmed myself down with the thought that if I really couldnt cope, I would just dial 999 and ask for help.

Of course I never felt remotely like I had to. You dont need to know much straight away, you will follow the same path mothers have taken for thousands of years. Instinct, common sense and love.

That's really lovely mankymummy (I"m sure you're not manky at all!) - I love the idea of having 999 on standby, just in case.

I do have a couple of people I know here with children, but my closest friend had a very prem baby, so I kind of feel like my concerns will be a bit silly in comparison to what she went through in the first weeks.

Glad you're feeling a bit better - it is overwhelming, and even experienced mothers can feel completely out of their depth with a newborn because each baby is so different. With my first child I was clueless, with my fourth I knew what to do in a practical sense but still felt overwhelmed by the responsibility.

The days will just pass in a blur - sleep when you can; some days just getting to the end of a day is enough of an achievement. Don't make ambitious plans about redecorating or reading worthy novels .

And I've never used moses baskets - always straight in a cot. There are vests, and then there are all in one thingys with enclosed feet and long sleeves - you'll need more of those than you'd think. It will be fine - and if it's not fine, then it will pass. The best of luck.

Ah bless about the vest label, Mankymummy!

When I had DS1 he had a very big head and I couldn't stand the thought of trying to get his head through the (very large!) opening on the vest/bodysuits. I was convinced I would hurt him. So I sent DH out on a quest to find some vests that did up rather than went on over the head. And he did! They were like surgeons' gowns . . . God only knows where he found them - the neurotic PFB section of Mothercare I suppose .

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy! I think it is really normal to start to worry about things especially when it's your first baby. Would agree with most of the above. Don't buy loads of things as you will receive loads of gifts. Buy simple sleepsuits - all in ones with hands and feet, vests - t shirts with crotch fastenings which are worn beneath sleepsuits. Get a mothercare brochure and look at the list in the back. It lists the essentials and optional extras you may require and I think it is a reasonable list. A moses basket is useful if you are short of space in your bedroom but will only be suitable for a max of 4 months. Do you know someone you can borrow one from? Your baby can go straight in the cot but they will look so small, my baby only filled half the moses basket. It will take a silly amount of time to change your baby at first because you haven't done it before and you will want to make sure its perfect but in a very short amount of time you will become an expert. If you breastfeed your baby, you will find you spend a lot of time sat down feeding in the first few weeks. Between seeing visitors, feeding and changing your baby, feeding yourself and going out for a walk you will find that the day just disappears. Enjoy being pregnant, go to Mamas and papas, babies r us and mothercare and browse. Make lists of what you need in the products you want and go and push a few prams. None of us really know what to expect when you go home on your own but with a little common sense and support we survive. You will be fine. Enjoy the shopping!x

A vest is like a short sleeved or sleeveless leotard with poppers at the crotch and a sleepsuit/babygro is an all in one with long sleeves and feet usually with poppers down the front. My DS wore this combo, with a cardi when it felt chilly (spring baby) and two blankets on pram for warmth for about six months, rarely wore proper "outfits" unless seeing VIP visitors ie grandparents.

Nothing wrong with putting babies in "proper" clothes but more hassle for you as they tend to poo and posset on their clothes a lot in early days and you will be changing their clothes more than once a day. Also cheaper - can get perfectly nice vests and sleepsuits in Tesco - enough to kit out a newborn will cost about £20 max. Also people will buy you masses. Unless you are told your baby is likely to be small I wouldn't bother with "newborn" size either as it only goes up to about 9 pounds and your baby will outgrow that size in weeks.

I agree the "kit list" at back of Mothercare brochure is a good indication but edit heavily - they are trying to flog stuff after all.

Hey Ozziegirly, don't worry! Though the fact that you are worrying is a sign that you are going to be a great mum, I'm sure.

I'd highly recommend Penelope Leach's book "Your baby and child". It's a very non-judgemental book that doesn't tell you what to do, but does tell you how to do it (feeding, changing etc). It is also broken down into useful developmental stages, such as "newborn", "settled baby" etc, so you can navigate your way through really easily.

Do you have friends or family you can borrow stuff from? And have on standby? And are you on a Mumsnet antenatal thread? Having people who are going through the same thing as you at the same time is incredibly valuable, as is having people with a bit more experience who you can ask anything without feeling silly.

Yes, I think you will find in the early days that gazing in amazement at your baby takes hours and hours .

I think the worst moment for me, certainly with the first two, was coming home with the baby, feeling slightly dazed and post-natal and just not knowing what to do next. The baby was perfectly happy, probably asleep. But at that moment, back in my house, it always hit me that my life had changed forever. But with a deep breath and a supportive partner I just picked myself up and got on with it. Give yourself time in the early days - it's not a competition or a race to get it right. All babies are different and you need to spend time getting to know your little person. Try to enjoy that time because it's over before you know it.

Good luck and congratulations!

You need:

1. Somewhere for baby to sleep, moses basket (but bear in mind that not all babies like baskets), crib (useful in between for a cot if you can't fit a cot in your room), a cot or your bed will do! Babies are supposed to share a room with you till at least 6 months, though that isn't always practically possible. Bedding, sheets, cellular blankets.

1. Something for it to wear - nappies, vests, babygros (get lots of these as you may have to sacrifice some to poo explosions!), scratch mits, hats, cardies.

1. Something for it to eat - if you are breastfeeding you may want to invest in a breast pump and bottles anyway. Formula, bottles, steriliser if formula feeding.

1. Misc - bibs, muslins, a play mat/baby gym, cotton wool for nappy changing. Car sear, buggy, sling. Changing mat.

These are the basics as far as I can think of. Anything else is just paraphernalia to make your life easier, which is not a bad think, just not strictly necessary.

You'll learn as you go along, and anything you don't know - that's what mumsnet is for! Oh, do you have a laptop? Worth treating yourself to for the days when you are stuck with a feeding/sleeping baby on the sofa.

Try not to worry, I think the worst thing you can do is have too many expectations (speaks from experience). Good luck!

You will need a coat like these. They are not always easy to find out of season so depending on when your baby is due you might want to get one now. If you are having a summer baby you won't need one right away. Fleecy babygros like these are useful in a too big size to wear as a coat over a cotton babygro as a light coat. Like wearing a jacket instead of an anorak. I prefer sleeveless vests/bodysuits under babygros as its not so bulkey on their tiny arms.

They don't need to be bathed as often as you might think.

Those fleecy over sleepsuits are also great if your baby develops a violent objection to blankets/grobags as mine did when he got to about a year.

Grobags are also great as they can't kick them off and get cold - but not until baby is, from memory, at least 6 weeks and ten pounds? Someone will correct me.

Congratulations firstly.

One of the things about pregnancy is it gives you a whole 8.5 months to get your head around it, so don't worry about these things yet.

There's a lot of standing in Mothercare staring at the wall of babygros and running out overwhelmed to do yet.

Later on in the pregnancy you can go to ante-natal classes and learn all about things, meet people in the same boat and who feel the same way.

There are a lot of people who will gladly pass 'stuff' on to you, and will tell you what stuff you need.

There are a lot of people who will share their experience with you (usually frightening the pants off you - some seem to relish their birth horror stories).

You will have a host of medical professionals to speak to. And more books to dip in and out of than you can imagine.

By the end of the pregnancy you will just have had enough and want that baby out of you (believe it or not right now!!)

But most of all, you have the most important, valuable thing which will get you, as it got me, the next mum on this thread, your mother, your grandmother, and women going back millions of years: your maternal instinct. Trust it, and you won't go far wrong.

Good luck, you'll be fine. And when you doubt yourself, there's Mumsnet.

I liked this when I was expecting DS. I picked it up in a charity shop and have seen a few about, so it's worth having a look (or just buying, it's worth it imo). Lots of sensible, practical advice which tallies well with what I found on mumsnet!

Don't worry too much, pregnancy is just the right length for you to learn and get comfortable with the idea.

Thank you, thank you! You make me believe that I won't just stand there with a screaming baby going "what?, WHAT?" (although I'm sure I will do that).

Thanks for the info on moses baskets, cots and dressing the baby, all very helpful indeed.

I won't have any family at all, as I live in Oz, and mine and DH's parents live in the UK, but they are good on email, skype and the phone.

Even just after reading the info on this thread I now feel that at least I can dress my child and know where it shall sleep.

I am printing this thread out for future reference.

Thank you again for all your kind words and help.

Oh and all those baby clothes are so utterly cute.

I shall have to go out with a strict spending limit....

Luckily, although the baby will be born at the tail end of winter here, it's a mild winter, no snow or frost or anything. (But of course I will be worrying about how to keep him cool when the temp hits 40 degrees!)

Funny, I've never been a worrier at all in the past, but this just seems like such a grown up thing to do...even though I am 32, I don't feel particularly grown up...

Enjoy the pregnancy, read books, watch films, go out for dinner and have sex.

Plenty of time for feeling inadequate and overwhelmed once the baby is here.

But you will also feel amazed at what you can do, and proud, and in awe of yourself and your partner.

Get ready for the rollercoaster!

Its normal - and useful! - to feel overwhelmed. I have a seven week old squirming next to me and am still feeling it He was born at 0220am, so when I was taken to the six bed ward after, it was silent, dark, all the beds were closed offm and there were no midwives walking around, and I remember looking at the cot next to me and thinking, "And what the fuck do I do now?" Then he was cold, so they told me to take his clothes off and skin-to-skin him... It took me fifteen minutes Its funny now.

I got all my equiptment seccond hand. I have a Moses basket here and at DPs, a baby bath, a Tommie Tippie nappy bin, a buggy with a car seat that clips in, a vibrating chair, a baby gym, a changing mat, and changing bag.

Clothing wise - don't mess around with trousers and tops etc at the beginning. Stock up on baby gros, vests, scratch mits - and plenty of muslin squares.

You will need nappies, cotton wool balls and buds (for clearing baby's nose), nappy sacks, breast pads, maternity pads, and always best to have some sudacream in.

Basically the key thing is - you learn. Its something you haven't done before, of course you don't know what to do! No one does, and even those that think they do are in for a huge shock. Everyone on here, and around you, and all over the world was where you are now, although it may not feel like it at the moment.

Remember to ask if you're unsure or need some reassurance. To begin with the majority is common sense And there is always Mumsnet.

Congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy! x

Do you have any friends or even acquaintances in Oz with kids? If so start seeing them soon! Nothing like some RL advice...