Academic parents with very 'average' children - how do you cope?

[whippet]

Without beating about the bush, DH and I are both bright, intelligent, quick-thinking etc etc. Good degrees. Like reading & learning.

DS1 is a chip off the old block(s) - seems to absorb information, and always has his nose in a book. Ahead of peers. Has never struggled with anything (except perhaps team sports!)

DS2 is completely different. Late to read. Slow to understand/'get' things. Doesn't concentrate. Learns something one day and forgets the next.

I love them both unreservedly, but fear that I am a crap parent to DS2, as I simply don't have the patience to do stuff at his pace.

I sometimes have to walk away when he's doing his homework to stop myself showing my frustration and tendency to 'jump in' .

Inside my head I'm thinking "how can you have FORGOTTEN how to spell that when it's right in front of you in the question" or "but we just talked about that".

Aaargh - how do you manage to have any empathy when your child is so different to yourself?

Of course I value my child! And I believe I have said so.

I guess all I was saying in my OP was that I find it hard to understand his approach to things, as it is so very different to mine, DH's or DS1's. Not wrong, just different.

I was talking to a friend of mine in a very similar situation and she was telling me that she has to make sure that she doesn't 'hover' when her DD is doing her homework, but instead focuses on something else e.g. ironing in the same room, so that she is available, but not fully 'in her face' IYSWIM.

Anyway, DS2 did some fantastic swimming at his lesson this afternoon, so we've been praising him all about that .

Actually, as someone who teaches at one of those 'ex-polys' sneered at earlier by a grandparent earlier in the thread, I get much more of a sense of achievement when someone who has to really work to understand something actually achieves at the end of the day - and the faces of their parents at graduation are fantastic.

It doesn't mean they will necessarily stay there Jasas! At 7 yrs my brother had to be bribed to produce anything. He eventually found his feet at 13 and excelled in Latin and Greek. My other brother was very bright as a young DC, but he has never done much with it. One of the SN pupils I taught didn't do much at school, but in his 20's he got a degree and is doing very well. My BIL failed his 11+ and has a fantastic job-flying all over the world. Just enjoy what you have and don't expect them to live up to your expectations-it doesn't do to compare.

Sorry Jajas.

My goodness there is a lot of sneering on this thread. It is plain human nature to find it easier to get on with people that we have things in common with. Just because someone is your child, it doesn't change human nature.

As parents, I think that it is our job to be the grown ups, and that means that it is our job to overcome the differences and find other ways to connect. Which is exactly what the OP is doing. She tells us that she fears that she is a crap parent and has posted for advice. She is worried about her level of patience with her child.

How does that equate with her valuing her non-academic child any less?

And anyway, as I pointed out, this goes on all the time with other qualities. How would it be if someone posted that all the family was sporty except one child and they spent the weekends doing sporty things? If they asked for advice for ways to include the non-sporty child we'd help, wouldn't we? If someone in an outgoing family had a shy child that they struggled to understand, wouldn't we help? How is traditional intelligence any different?

how do you feel about it all today,whippet?

Sorry I didn't come back sooner....

Actually I think this thread has really helped me think about things and see them from a different perspective, and I feel quite calm and 'I can deal with this' about it all today.

He was struggling with 5x table today, so we tried some different games, and then found a game on the PC to practice/play them.

I know, however, that it's when I'm pressed for time, in a rush, and I feel that we just need to 'get things done' and 'get through' homework etc that my impatience begins to show. I guess I'll just have to come back and remind myself of all the good advice on this thread

Whippet you are dead on about this being a good thread, it's fascinating.

It is so sad to read about all these parents and ILs who are prepared to say that they are disappointed - I am staggered at the lack of imagination that makes them think exam results are the be-all and end-all. Thesis length? Bloody hell!

I just want my children 'to be' and to feel comfortable in their own skin. To be secure and to feel cherished for who they are, not what they are.

Neither of my parents are academic but they have been very conditional in that I was expected to 'make up' for their failures and lost dreams (in sport and academia). It has caused me no end of pain and emotional problems.

I find it exciting that my children will be different to me. I can't wait to see what kind of adults they grow into.

I want them to be happy not brilliant

I cant wait to find out what llittle un will be like. I am a dissertation (procrastinating as we speak) away from an MA following my Bsc (hons) - I sound bright but dont think I am particularly. I have, however, achieved academically. DP is a skilled tradesman with severe dyslexia. Academically not an achiever but an inspiration to me in how much he has overcome to get to where he has.

The one thing we both have is the ability to work for what we want. THAT is what I want her to learn no matter how she does it.

I shall be very proud of her however she turns out.

I think you are not recognising the things that your DS1 is bad at, and perhaps failing to acknowledge the things your DS2 is good at.

Children aren't usually a chip off the old block, and one of the surprises and delights of parenting for me is recognising how different they are - from me and from one another.

DS is less academic than DD. But he's very musical and very good at all sorts of racqet sports. He's also by far and away the most convivial member of the family - engages with everyone and just naturally makes connections.

Equally though roseability, it's important not to cut off their ambitions if they DO happen to be academic and interested.

It is possible to be happy AND brilliant , but I don't think we should assume cleverness is the only thing worth valuing.

I've come across this thread which is very old and I do wonder how her DS turned out.

I don’t know about the OP but I’m on this thread under an old name.. My kids are all grown up now and none are remotely academic 😂I am however delighted that they have turned out to be the people they are who are happily building their own lives, rather than one their parents might have imagined for them.

It's me! The OP! I'm here and can update you! 😁
Blimey, this was from 13 years ago when DS2 was 7... he's now 20!

So..... of course the wise MNers who posted were all right. This thread genuinely gave me pause for thought at the time and I started talking to other mums in real life who seemed to have similar mixes of children.

At primary school we had him tested for SEN etc but they just said no, he was fine, just young in year (Late Summer boy) and would 'catch up'. But it was still hard. He didn't enjoy school, came home exhausted, but somehow plodded along, ' getting by'.
He followed his brother to an academic school (we were surprised when he passed the exam!) which we had reservations about, but it was his choice and what HE wanted, so we agreed. However the problems with the academic stuff still continued.
At the end of Year 7 they asked us again to test for SEN and this time we had a thorough evaluation which revealed:

• he has dyslexia
• has an underlying ability which places him in the top 3% of his peer group
• has visual ability in the top 2%
• BUT was in bottom 5% for memory and verbal recall

So

• massive difficulties with cognitive processing - can't read, remember and repeat information especially from simple text, or when heard aurally (so basically, a lot of classroom interactions!)

What we had already realised at this point was that his visual skills were off the scale - he'd spot a packaging design printing flaw we couldn't even see, and he had the most amazing memory for things he'd seen on film and video.

Once this became clear, it was easier to work out what to do. He needed to learn by seeing and doing, not by reading and listening.
Virtually all his GCSE revision was done via YouTube videos!
DH and I worked with the school to create a spreadsheet with links to good resources by subject and topic area. Other students used it too!
He ditched certain subjects at GCSE which were fact and memory heavy e.g. History and up weighted on creative subjects such as DT and Drama.
Also reduced down to 9 GCSEs to give him some 'breathing space'. He did well and passed them all, with 5 x A*/A (9/8) grades.

Then did 3 creative subjects at A level and got A*AA (despite the witterings on MN on the importance of 'facilitating subjects' 😂)
He's now at a top ten Russell Group uni doing a creative humanities subject and gets DSA and study support.
I have no doubt he is going to do brilliantly in life. He has amazing empathy and strong people skills - people seem to warm to him. Oh, and he also had an amazing 'glow up' - went from a weedy teen with glasses to a muscular handsome tall young man (yeah, I'm biased...😄)
I can imagine him going into the creative industries, perhaps film, television etc.

And what about DS1, you ask? Yup he did fine too - got a predictable first in a STEM subject and is now in an excellent grad job.

Blimey, that was LONG! But I hope if anyone is at the same stage we were it might help you to understand how these things can play out fine!

xxx

Wow, what a lovely update. So sometimes these revived zombie threads can be good. I'm on there under an old name as well.

That's amazing OP 🙂! Well done to your sons and you as parents and thank you for coming back with an update.

I didn't think for a second I'd ever get a reply 😁

Great to hear about your DCs 🙂

Good grief, OP, I see I was on here under this old username.

Delighted to hear about your son, as this thread was very useful to me in taking a step back at the time.

DD (the one with the maths ability of a well-meaning bunny) managed a 7 at GSCE, made it to Oxbridge, and remains better at maths if it's money-related.

It is an ugly side to ourselves to have to admit but many people have felt it. I had a difficult enough time as a child and adult and being clever is really the only thing I have consistently been proud of and had as an achievement. I desperately wanted it for my children too prob because of that. Now as I see my very bright daughter constantly unhappy and depressed - the only thing I want for her is happiness. My son is bright enough but no interest and dead happy. My other daughter very average academically but great at friends and relationships.

So nice to see the update! Where do the years go??

Nice to see old names here too.

Omg I was on this thread too and my DT's were exactly the same age as your DS OP! Both now 20 and doing ok. Isn't it scary but also nice to see how stories end up and also that lots of us are still on here albeit under anonymous names which is sadder but necessary.

Blimey, I was on this thread back when I and my 2.5yr old were doing some baking apparently. She's in y11 now and interviewing for academic scholarships!

And my ds who wasn't even a twinkle in anybody's eye back in '09, struggles daily with academic work.

Blimey. Worth saying twice.

Glad to hear life is going well for your DSs Whippet.