Academic parents with very 'average' children - how do you cope?

[whippet]

Without beating about the bush, DH and I are both bright, intelligent, quick-thinking etc etc. Good degrees. Like reading & learning.

DS1 is a chip off the old block(s) - seems to absorb information, and always has his nose in a book. Ahead of peers. Has never struggled with anything (except perhaps team sports!)

DS2 is completely different. Late to read. Slow to understand/'get' things. Doesn't concentrate. Learns something one day and forgets the next.

I love them both unreservedly, but fear that I am a crap parent to DS2, as I simply don't have the patience to do stuff at his pace.

I sometimes have to walk away when he's doing his homework to stop myself showing my frustration and tendency to 'jump in' .

Inside my head I'm thinking "how can you have FORGOTTEN how to spell that when it's right in front of you in the question" or "but we just talked about that".

Aaargh - how do you manage to have any empathy when your child is so different to yourself?

I agree MrsTittleMouse, I think that you want to recognise yourself in your children and it is harder to recognise talents they have which are different to your own.

I find dd's lack of enthusiasm for learning frustrating - I don't understand it but nor do I understand her enthusiasm for drawing and the painstaking care she takes to make sure her handwriting is good. It is very easy to dismiss the things that she loves and is good at because they are not the things I am good at or have been taught to value. Of course I celebrate her achievents in the same way that I celebrate ds's but I would be being disingenious if I did not acknowledge that I find it easier to relate to ds and his achievements.

I'll always remember my mother saying to me something she in turn learnt from my wonderful grandmother.

My grandmother had an exceptionally academic first son, who gathered scholarships and awards and is very successful. And a wonderful daughter who need much much more due to SN.

She said, when questioned about why she didn't boast or go on about the older son's achievement more as they were so incredible, 'well if I am particularly proud of my brightest son then it follows that I am ashamed of my less able daughter'.

It makes me teary when I think of it. So much love!

Do not be so tense as to let this control or put stress on your relationship. Embrace other things, relax and breathe.

It doesn't matter. (and I say this as someone who was very academic, it's just pot luck).

Some brilliant posts on this thread.

Just wanted to add that if you turn it around in your mind from what he can do[or not do] to what you can do to help him find his true potential maybe that would help?

Like finding out how he learns best.Also like teaching him it's fine to make mistakes and how to sort them out,to support people who are struggling etc.

Like my ds2 today said one of his friends can't swim at all yet and had to have armbands,float and ring while others in the class were at the deep end and I pointed out that this friend was a kind friend who helped ds2 settle into an after school activity [which he was much more advanced at than ds2]so I hoped he and all the boys would be kind and help boost his confidence a bit so he wouldn't feel embarassed in the shallow end.

Also he may be very bright for all you know but on a different developmental path ~ my eldest ds seemed to spend several years only saying "kinda"in answer to all questions but is now doing english A level and reads Kafka for fun as well as being a musician~to our great surprise.

I'd say this thread is quite humbling and insightful rather than depressing. I'm going to go away and see if I can work out HOW my brightish DD has got into such a muddle about maths that she thinks 7 minus 4 could be zero.

Thanks all.

(Hmm, maybe 4 and 7 look the same shape to a shortsighted child? Maybe she doesn't remember what minus means, or that numbers are countable? Maybe the last time she had to subtract, the answer was zero? I'm quite intrigued now!)

Oooh fascinating thread.

We also have the high-achieving DS1 and the possibly more average DS2. I have to say that DH and I frequently have conversations where we simply marvel at DS2's social confidence. 'He's not like his brother' is our oft-repeated remark. He seems to be breezing through school, life and relationships without any of the angst the DS1 seems to feel every day.

I was dreading DS2's primary school days since DS1's had been such a collection of worries about friends and relationships. But it is a totally different experience with DS2.

We're both academics (this thread has obviously attracted them away from fresher's weeks across the country!) and I admit do prize academic achievement above other sorts of achievement, for example sporting. But I think that this was conditioned into us by our parents. Certainly, I was brought up being told that I was the academic one, my middle sister was the sporty but not bright one and my little sister was 'the other one'. This was repeated again and again, and to a certain extent I think that we were brain washed to accept it as fact.

So I am the academic. My sister left school at 16 and spends all her free time supporting her children's athletic endeavours and 'the other one' emigrated.

Thank you for all these really useful and insightful posts. You know, I think this discussion has restored my faith in Mumsnet - no one has jumped in and told me to 'get over myself', and everyone has given lengthy, eloquent and useful advice. This is just how MN used to be all the time!

I know I find it hard to 'slow down' generally in life, but I have to try to see things from DS2's perspective.

DH & I often talk about how so ridiculously screwed up the British are about their children's education and academia etc. We also live in the SE of England, where it gets even more silly with regard to competing for secondary school places etc.

DS1 will soon be going off to senior school, and at the moment that seems like it will be straightforward - his school have said 'he will be able to go wherever he wants'. I suppose I am naturally beginning to think what the situation may be for DS2 in 3 years time. It's easy to get carried away and worry about things which may never even become a problem.

We sold the thick ones to fund the brighter one.

I agree with MintyCane.

My academic father thinks I am an academic dipshit. My sportswoman mother thinks I am an "unco spaz" (her words).

I have always been the unacademic one in the family, my sister has always been the perfect one with all the nice prizes for being good and handing in perfectly-presented homework early.

Yet at the age of 35 I speak 5 languages, have 2 PhDs, am a lecturer at a well-known university, go trekking a lot and regularly do triathlons - so am neither a dipshit nor a spaz - and am totaly screwed up by having been cast as the village idiot in my family.

I have a 5 yo son who is a sweetie and very lovable, and I couldn't care less whether or not he can read, write, catch a squash ball pelted at him by his grandma, answer jeering questions about science from granddad, compete with his PITA aunt and cousin about music, etc.

The funny thing is, that what defines 'being bright' is changing all the time anyway.

So to his credit, DS2 was moaning about his spellings and said, "but WHY do I have to learn to spell anyway? When YOU type something the computer tells youif you've spelt it wrong.."

And, of course, he's absolutely right

I think I may be a little in love with hullygully today.

Lancelottie -- could it just be that she's never really "got" the connection between numbers and quantities of things. Do you need to take it right down to basics and talk about sums in concrete terms (e.g. if you have seven apples but Daddy eats four, how many are left? Or there are seven children in the playground but four of them have to go home, how many are left?)? And maybe practise all the number bonds for numbers less than ten (so seven is 0+7, 1+6, 2+5, 3+4, 4+3, 5+2, 6+1, 7+0) until they become second nature.

PortAndLemon -- I think you might be right. She has a good memory, and I suspect she's memorised the answers to things like number bonds (adding only) without really grasping what it means.

She has a fair grasp of what it means if I shortchange her on pocket money, though!

Just wanted to say what a wonderful thread this is, it's a tribute to the community of MN.

As the academic one in my family I strongly feel that it is an overvalued form of intelligence and has very little to do with happiness. However, old habits die hard, and when your life for years has involved academic achievement, where it was the most valued aspect of your life (rightly or wrongly) it is difficult to not measure "success" using such a scale and applying this to your children. At times I would give anything to be a socially adept and comfortable as my sister, to communicate clearly and confidently etc. I also feel strongly that schools leap upon academic success and push children to "suitable" career paths as a result, which may not be always in the best interest of that child's wellbeing and happiness, and don't allow enough scope for finding ones own way through.

DS has just started school, so too young to really know where his academic abilities fall- however I am shocked at the lists of skills that we're given by the school each week that he's supposed to master, with comments written as to how well he's achieving these. At 4, he's already been marked as "struggles to concentrate on independent tasks"- something I strongly disagree with- he'l play at pirates with his sister all day!

In a way I hope DS doesn't inherit academic over-achievement, and I hope he instead continues to be the kind, sensitive and wildy imaginative soul he seems to be- but whatever mix comes out in the coming years I know I need to constantly remind myself to boost his self esteem and encourage him in whatever he chooses, rather than pushing him along the more familiar path of my own personality and childhood. I'm already finding it hard at times not to get frustrated when he doesn't count correctly to ten etc., and I fully expect to have to kick myself frequently not to push him academically... Will invest in shin pads....

MessCottage the PITA cousins sound familiar. I always get the feeling when we go to family occasions that they would all like to see my six year olds c.v rather than give her a hug.

"I also feel strongly that schools leap upon academic success and push children to "suitable" career paths as a result, which may not be always in the best interest of that child's wellbeing and happiness, and don't allow enough scope for finding ones own way through."

yes yes -this definitely happened to dh - a sort of unspoken expectation.

messCottage you sound as if you are well equipped to shield your son from your family (who sound a bit barking!) I am of your 5 languages.

Whippet if your want to help DS2 to improve his concentration and his memory you can. And you will probably be able to help him to 'get' things quicker too. Not having the patience to do things at his pace doesn't make you a crap parent, just perhaps an unimaginative one .

You need to get 'creative'. Think of it as a challenge, an intellectual one even. What techniques do you need to employ to advance him in his learning? Do some research, seek out resources/websites, maybe even get DS1 involved.
Have fun with spellings - TABLE : Top And Bottom Legs Everywhere.

thedolly - that's a great example BUT I just can't imagine me coming up with stuff like that . you see, my first to solution to any problem is to 'look it up' or 'read about it' - I'm not very good at the 'creative' feel it/ have fun with it sort of stuff .

I think another problem is that I work from home, so I'm in 'work mode' right up until when I pick up the kids from school (and sometimes still then - on the phone ).

It's really hard to switch into relaxed, creative, open-minded, patient, caring, looking-for-a-positive-in-everything sort of Mummy.....

I guess I'm going to have to try harder.
any books I can read about it?

Riven, your ILs where your beautiful dd is concerned, are a spectacular waste of skin. I hope their love of academic success is of some comfort to them in a bitter and miserable old age.

Riven/hunlet - don't be depressed about it.
It would be depressing if I'd said, "Oh shit, DS2 is just soooooo thick, how do you cope, I'm soooooo bored"

I didn't. I recognised the problem as mine, and I asked the lovely MNers o help me see it differently, and to give me some suggestions for how I can change my attitude to feel differently about it.

Perhaps there will be some stuff on here which you can use to staunchly defend your DDs abilities in front of your MIL?

whippet, you are who you are you know. Don't apologise for it.

Does your ds read? Does he like comics? I always remember Michael Rosen, the children's laureate at a talk he gave saying how important comics are to a child, especially a boy who is slower to read more conventional books because it encourages an interest and relates words to the world better than simple lists of spellings and boring old reading books. In fact comics are great for the imagination in the way the present comments, speech, direction, sound etc and the spellings just slip in there unnoticed.

Agree with Pagwatch.

Who knows where life will lead our children?

I come from a culture which does celebrate academic achievement. Mostly because it should lead to ample opportunity/choices.

I agree with this but not just for the sake of being clever. Hardwork is much more valued in my eyes.

whippet - your DS is only partly right about the spell check - the computer will only tell you if you have typed a word that is not in its dictionary - so if you type 'snack' for 'snake' as one child at school did, you will end up with 'the snack slithered slowly down the tree', bringing visions of yoghurt dripping off the branches...

Oh riven, please tell me what they imagine happens at ex-polytechnics? What would happen if one of their NT grandchildren debased themselves by setting foot over the threshold? The great unwashed might breathe on them? They may drop a haitch? FGS, they make my teeth itch.