Academic parents with very 'average' children - how do you cope?

[whippet]

Without beating about the bush, DH and I are both bright, intelligent, quick-thinking etc etc. Good degrees. Like reading & learning.

DS1 is a chip off the old block(s) - seems to absorb information, and always has his nose in a book. Ahead of peers. Has never struggled with anything (except perhaps team sports!)

DS2 is completely different. Late to read. Slow to understand/'get' things. Doesn't concentrate. Learns something one day and forgets the next.

I love them both unreservedly, but fear that I am a crap parent to DS2, as I simply don't have the patience to do stuff at his pace.

I sometimes have to walk away when he's doing his homework to stop myself showing my frustration and tendency to 'jump in' .

Inside my head I'm thinking "how can you have FORGOTTEN how to spell that when it's right in front of you in the question" or "but we just talked about that".

Aaargh - how do you manage to have any empathy when your child is so different to yourself?

Oh gawd ILs are often like that aren't they?

Mine dote on DS1 and almost ignore DS2. FIL will bring out some book or picture of something and say, "hey, DS1, come and look at this" and I will glare and say "Oh, I bet DS2 would fine that really interesting too"

In fact, last time we went to stay I sort of confronted them in a roundabout way. After the kids were in bed they were asking how school was going etc and I said 'fine' and then told them that we needed their help with our (us & the teacher's) efforts to build DS2's self-esteem and confidence. I pointed out that they weren't treating them fairly really, and MIL was quite shocked. She just said DS2 was 'so young' he didn't appreciate the same things as DS1, and I had to say no, he does, it's just that you don;t give him a chance!

Riven - I'm sorry, I don't know your particular curcumstances. This wasn't meant to be a depressing thread. So far it's been really helpful and supportive for me.
I'm sorry you feel so bitter.

I am not academic, or clever, and yet BOTH of my children are so very different from me that I also find it hard to do homework/teach them anything..

I'm guessing that as an adult my dc1 will have a higher IQ than I have, but right now, she doesn't listen, can't concentrate, she's a bit hyper. I think she has a touch of ADHD.

Dc2 is on the spectrum and I think his IQ is just a bit lower than normal (although it's hard to tell - it might just be a delay as a result of his learning in a different way), but he CAN focus on a task and CAN concentrate.

I find it easier with my dc2 as although he's slower to pick things up (and omg he is slow!) at least he's not running around the room, changing the subject, trying to do tomorrow night's homework for example

It's such an older generation thing though isn't it? Many of our parents' generation never had a chance to go to university, so they hold it in such high esteem and over-inflate its importance.

DH used to get really annoyed with his parents always 'updating' him with what the sons (same age as DH) of some friends of the family were doing. (They never seemed to forgive DH for jacking in his big corporate job and setting up his own business.) Anyway, it always used to be "Oh, X is 'big' in an American bank in the city now..." Strangely they didn't mention him last time

Really interesting thread. Lancelottie, for the subtraction get her to use her fingers! Or even better, use Chocolate Fingers!

Actually Smallwhitecat, when I read the OP I wondered if her son might be on the spectrum (obviously only to a vary mild degree if undiagnosed).

But because children on the spectrum can't learn aurally, autistic children and even just visual learners don't flourish in this environment; tailored for neurotypical children.

But because of their brains, they DO muddle through it all. Like swimming up stream, learning differently. But they manage.

This thread has made me feel a whole lot better about my worrying about my dd (8) who is struggling with reading and spelling. I have an appointment with her teacher at 3.15 and reading this beforehand has made me rethink my approach. Thank you.

I have also just listed all the things dd is good at....dancing, drawing, music and just doing stuff...lots of stuff... I love her and I want her to be happy which means not wanting to her feel like crying everytime she has to read. That's how I will help her.

not saying that 'managing' is good, but it's to their credit that so many children swim up stream their whole education. dykwim?

Just come back to catch up on this thread.
I am sorry others find it depressing although I understand why but I think it is really interesting and uplifting. Reminds me of why I love the SN board.

Glad whippet got some food for thought

I don't want to fall out with you but I think that's a little harsh smallwhitecat. I have read the whole thread, and lots of people were saying how much they valued their "clever" children in the same way that they valued their other children, who might not tick all the conventional boxes, but had other life skills, such as great social skills and other talents.

I think the problem is, as someone said further up the thread, we can be guilty of "projecting" what we think makes us clever, ie something we were praised for as children onto our own.

Mine constantly surprise me - and not because they are mega-clever, but because they are kind to people, and make friends, and have a grasp of where they fit in in their world.

You say your DS has ASD, and I won't begin to patronise you by saying how I know how you feel, because I can't possibly. Please don't take offence.

It's a very interesting thread though.

I don't know much about SN but as a tutor one of my second thoughts - after thinking gee give yourself and your kid a break - was, actually, could there be a dyslexia issue also?

Probably not. And I'm conscious the real issue probably is not pathologizing but just needing to chill and re-evaluate and let him get on with playing and working out what he likes to do.

But. 'forgotten to spell that when it's right in front of you'... If he is reading-delayed compared to his peers and struggles with sequencing etc, it might be worth asking.

(brief hijack)

Lancelottie - I was awful at arithmetic until someone introduced cuisenaire rods.

Fingers of course are very fine, but these are quicker for big numbers.... and you can do cool stuff like fractions and factoring.

Just another example.
My DH has 3 older sisters. Two of which are very academic and his other sister and himself are not.
Eldest sister for example has a degree in medicine and is very clever indeed (if academics are the only thing that determines 'clever').
My DH walked out of school at 16 with not much to his name in the way certificates!
He has two succesful businesses, a happy family life, lots of friends and is generally a lovely person (if I don't say so myself). His academic sister has a pretend illness (don't ask), still lives with parents at 43, is gay but never had a succesful relationship and is so up herself it's hard not to slap her!
The other two sisters, one academic, one not, are equally happy people with good family lives and good jobs.
Moral of the story is academia is a very very small and insignificant thing in the bigger picture of life! Your DC's have a long way to go before you decide which is the one to be most proud of - if that's how you see it.

Great thread.

There was a great book written some time ago, I think it was a social philosopher, if such a thing exists. But anyway, his mother had special needs and he examined whether a society with a hierarchy based on intelligence alone was possibly just a bad as one based on looks, or money, or physical power.

He was exploring how, if you are not considered intelligent, then somehow you belong at the bottom of the heap?! Imagine if you were not considered good-looking and society put you at the bottom of the heap.

Anyway - I thought this was really interesting. Being kind, or having great empathy or being very trustworthy are in my mind far superior qualities but very hard to measure hey? No test? No university to go to if you excel in these.

MaggieBeauLeo - many children on the spectrum find visual aids a help, but that doesn't mean that none of them can learn aurally.

I do agree with your 'swimming upstream' metaphore, though - it describes it very well.

I think it best not to have a preconceived idea of what you want or expect from your DC and then you respond to what you have and don't waste time wishing for what you don't have. My 3 are so different that it is hard to see that they have the same parents and upbringing. Academic success is only a very small part of the individual. There is also the point that your DS2 may outshine you all in the end. My brother was terribly slow on the uptake as a small child. He suddenly got his act together at 13yrs and went from an 11+ failure to the high flyers class at the grammar school. Slow and steady often wins the race-don't write off too early!

good, thought provoking thread. some very insightful posts. pagwatch's and saintlydame's resonate most with my own circumstances. Me and DH were Oxbridge educated (DH did drop out though), but having been through academic hothouse selective schools and parental pressure we never really wanted that for our child. Jolly fortunate really, since although DS is bright, his language delay means he is as Maggie wisely put it "swimming upstream", and the language delay does have an effect socially (he wouldn't know when he was boring someone or someone was taking the piss). I have a sneaking feeling that some of our relatives would show more interest in DS if he was fully NT . If DS grows up to live and work independently (in any legal job, including fast food service!) I will be very happy. There's no guarantees with the genetic lottery.

Yes, anyone who doesn't have as many problems as the one person in the world who is worst off should just "get a life" and stop asking for help. In fact, let's just shut down MN entirely until that person comes along and starts a thread.

I do really feel for you .Being acedemic however doesnt mean you are good at 'teaching' other people the information you know . Accept you are no good at teaching and find someone who can to help your child .Also think back to your own childhood ,could you tie your shoelaces perfectly after the first time you were shown? Did someone show you the alphabet and you were able to memorise it from that day on ? Did you ever get stuck on any of the times tables or a word that you found tricky to spell ? As for the careers thing ,well the richest (millionares) people i know left school without any qualifications ,so being academic doesnt equate to material wealth .

Maybe it's important to recognise effort and praise that, i.e. acknowledge and value the process for all the children, no matter where they fall in the achievement spectrum, and recognise that the results are going to be a little arbitrary and circumstantial. The 'virtues' of persistence, focus, 'swimming against the current', and dealing with failure are more valuable to any child than a long history of As in school reports. I would actually be more concerned about a child who never got any exposure to team sports and all they teach than one who got a lot of Cs and Ds. (I realise it's hardly ever an 'either-or' situation, and most children get a bit of experience in every area in school or at home) But learning something (about how to approach a challenge) by struggling with it and persisting can be more beneficial in the long run, imo.

Only got to this bit but thought this by pagwatch is ace "But actually this is it. This is parenting. The first child was the peice of piss - the thing that required little of you. Now you have to actually work for it and you will find out what you are made of.

It is actually that your bright, smart sassyness doesn't actually help you much here does it? Perhaps that should help you reevaluate if it is the only criteria that counts."

I think it is really sad when people find that they are too academic to be able to value their child for who they are, regardless of their intellectual abilities, or lack of so...