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Original poster

URGENT need help now! DS just called. H has manhandled him. He's scared and 200 miles away

38 replies

secretskillrelationships · 18/08/2009 10:36

DS (12) has just called me to tell me his H (we separated a few weeks ago) has manhandled him and scared him. He's in tears. GPs had to intervene and sent H out for a walk.

I feel soooo angry I could [insert suitable punishment here]. I'm so far away. Only left him yesterday and took over 5 hours to get home.

Just want to get in the car and go and get all the DCs and never let him near them again!

So much for being civilised and reasonable. Want to shout from the rooftops what a prize twunt he's been.

I feel so sad for DS who's now scared of his father and doesn't know what to do. Want to talk to GPs but also want them to be available for DS so don't want them to be on the phone talking to me.

So now I'm just sitting by the phone waiting for a call.

I don't know waht to do.

OP posts:
cornsillk · 18/08/2009 10:41

How awful for you - but GPs are there so thankfully under control - try not to worry too much. Has your dh behaved like this before?

oopsadaisyangel · 18/08/2009 10:41

I would phone the GP's and find out whats happening. They are with DS and have intervened so will do it again if needs be.

Pesonally I'd feel the same as you and just want to get in the car and go and get them. Could GPs maybe meet you half way with them?

squeaver · 18/08/2009 10:41

Oh how horrible. Don't know what I can say to help - my instinct would be to just get there and bring him back.

Do you have a good relationship with the GPs? I actually think speaking to one of them would be a good idea.

ZippysMum · 18/08/2009 10:41

Oh SSR, how awful for you.

Can you go and get him? How long are they supposed to be away with H for?

Do you have a good relationship with / trust GP's? If so, that's good - at least you feel like DS is in good hands.

And for later - make sure you record what has happened in case of contact issues in future...

cocolepew · 18/08/2009 10:43

I would phone the GPs if your ex has gone out one of them will be available to speak to you.

HolidaysQueen · 18/08/2009 10:45

Oh god, you poor thing And poor DS
I would be really tempted to hop in the car and get straight there for your DS. But I would talk to GPs first - it sounds like they stepped in, which is great as they are clearly rightly more concerned about your DS than about their DS IYSWIM, so I wouldn't go without talking to them as they seem to be handling it well and you don't want to alienate them by barging in. I would suggest giving them a call to say you want to come and see what they say. But then probably go anyway.

HeadFairy · 18/08/2009 10:46

My inclination would be to go and get ds too, can the GPs drive? Can you meet them halfway to reduce travelling time?

Or can you trust them to handle the situation? Is your h their son? Can they get your ds and h to sit down and talk together and have a hug and make up whatever it was that caused your h to react this way?

makedoandmend · 18/08/2009 10:50

I really feel for you - this is just horrible.

I'd call GPs (they can always put DS on if he wants to talk or if you have a landline and a mobile you can talk to GPs on one and keep the other free for DS). I'd also ask them to meet me half way if possible.

Is this out of character for you H? Obviously he's acted stupidly and horribly, but if it's totally unlike him then he'll probably be feeling awful by now. If it is out of character then he'll need time to repair the relationship with DS and apologise to him and explain to DS why it happened.

If it's not out of character then obviously that's an entirely different matter.

What a horrible situation for you.

Original poster
secretskillrelationships · 18/08/2009 10:50

Thanks for all your responses. H was back which is why I didn't want to call GPs but has now gone out with DD and phoned me from the car! Didn't tell me, I heard the indicator. Luckily I hadn't let rip with the stream of expletives I'd planned.

H has done this before but a long, long time ago when DS was much younger. I made clear at the time that it was totally unacceptable, which H accepted, and it hasn't happened since.

Will call GPs now.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretskillrelationships · 18/08/2009 10:52

GPs phone is engaged.

OP posts:
cornsillk · 18/08/2009 10:54

Well done for staying so calm. GP's probably speaking to him about it.

Original poster
secretskillrelationships · 18/08/2009 10:58

In answer to your questions. I do get on well with GPs. They're his parents but I want to stay on good terms with them and they with me. Took DCs up last week and stayed a couple of days before I came down but it's the first time I've seen them since we announced we were separating.

Spoke to H on phone and he said he'd lost his temper with him. But it's a bit more than that I would say. DS is 12 not an unruly toddler. Didn't sound at all contrite to me. Has now gone out for the day with DD. Can't believe he had enough time to sort things out with DS before he went so that'll leave DS stewing until he gets back.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretskillrelationships · 18/08/2009 11:09

Have just spoken to GPs. H has apologised to DS and they've hugged and made up. GM assures me that DS colour is coming back and he looks a lot better. He is staying with her today.

She will keep in touch and has said I must phone whenever I want to check on DS. She doesn't feel I need to come to get him, that it's all over but I know it will take more than an apology for DS to get over this one.

I can't believe H rang from the car to discuss this. Though, slightly in his favour, it was him who suggested that DS rang me.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretskillrelationships · 18/08/2009 11:10

Thanks for the support, by the way. I just felt so shocked and alone with this.

OP posts:
ilove · 18/08/2009 11:12

I'd be asking your DS what he wants you to do...and if he wants to come home, I'd be going to get him.

serendippity · 18/08/2009 11:14

Sweetie I think you should go. If you have a good relationship with gp's surely they won't mind and will understand how concerned you are.
Your h is an arse btw.

HeadFairy · 18/08/2009 11:14

I'm glad to hear the immediate worry seems to be over. Will you have some time to talk to your h about this some time soon. Obviously if he has some anger issues then he needs to sort them before he has the dcs again. Not knowing your full story is the strain of a breakup affecting him badly? If he hasn't done this for a long time, perhaps he's feeling under a lot of strain. No excuse for scaring a 12 year old, but at least it could be solveable.

squeaver · 18/08/2009 11:16

Agree with ilove. Your ds should decide what he wants to do. Also your dh needs to know that this is NOT ON and if your ds comes home then that's sending a message surely?

tickfeckingtock · 18/08/2009 11:17

I think sometimes at this age they really can push parents buttons and are often shocked when parents lose it, as they don't often get it that you are humans. (mind you my kids are well aware that I can lose it ).

I wonder what manhandel actually meant.

My Ds is 12 also and I wonder how my exH will cope with his growing teenage personality, i thnk regardless of parents being together or seperate, boys often seem to go head to head with dad and look for support advice and comfort from mum.

My freinds teenage sons both hate their dad right now and he doesn't seem to handle them all that well he barks orders and just rubs them up the wrong way as they do with him.

BikeRunSki · 18/08/2009 11:18

I am glad things seem to be more settled, but I would be inclined to go and get your DCs. I couldn't bear the thought of my DS being far away and upset and shaken and not be able to hug and reassure him.

makedoandmend · 18/08/2009 11:20

Is it possible for DS to talk to you in private away from GPs? If so, I'd do as ilove suggests and ask him what he wants to do. He may not want to hurt GP's feelings by saying he wants to come back.

The GPs sound like nice people - that, at least, must be a comfort to you.

I think, as this has happened twice, your H needs help. He's obviously not handling the stress of the separation well and that can only put more strain on the relationship with DS. Maybe the GPs can suggest it?

Original poster
secretskillrelationships · 18/08/2009 11:36

I have asked DS what he wants but he's a gentle sensitive soul and not good at putting his own needs first. I've told him to think about it, that it's not a big deal but if he wants me to come I will. He also knows he can call at any time and has both the landline and mobile numbers.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretskillrelationships · 18/08/2009 11:47

Only left DCs yesterday, due to stay until Saturday. DS has spoken to me on his own, GPs don't hover!

DS shuts down when he's angry which was the trigger for his dad. He felt unheard (DS) and got angry and shut down. Manhandling - not exactly sure what happened but H used his muscle to intimidate his son and, for me, this is the issue, not what actually happened.

DS is struggling with mood swings and dealing with his emotions but he's not an aggressive child in any form so not directly challenging his father. He doesn't like how he feels so tends to shut down rather than act out. He's a lovely kid who's finding life a challenge at the moment and needs the adults around him to be real adults so he can be a child.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretskillrelationships · 18/08/2009 11:55

H is obviously finding the separation difficult but it's his choice. He has spent the last few weeks being looked after by his parents, popping back to see the children at the weekend, where he was effectively looked after by me.

He has had the children (with his parents) for less than 24 hours. My first break since we separated over 3 weeks ago.

I have had to deal with all the emotional distress the children have been going through without any other adults to call on so I feel, frankly, unsympathetic to his stress.

Serendippity - I have to agree. Twunt was the word I was looking for.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 18/08/2009 14:10

I sympathise,
If your ds wants to come home go get him BUT I think it would do both your ds and especially your ex to carry on the week and deal with the fall out hopefully in a more mature way. Your ex has a chance of redeeming himself in everyones eyes especially ds. And maybe your ds could see conflict resolution in action.
I suspect he might have had a wake up call himself by this overreaction and is thinking what he could do to improve not only his relations with his children and his parents but his way forward.
btw how old is dd, she sounds as if she is stuck in the middle with this poor love.