URGENT need help now! DS just called. H has manhandled him. He's scared and 200 miles away

[secretskillrelationships]

DS (12) has just called me to tell me his H (we separated a few weeks ago) has manhandled him and scared him. He's in tears. GPs had to intervene and sent H out for a walk.

I feel soooo angry I could [insert suitable punishment here]. I'm so far away. Only left him yesterday and took over 5 hours to get home.

Just want to get in the car and go and get all the DCs and never let him near them again!

So much for being civilised and reasonable. Want to shout from the rooftops what a prize twunt he's been.

I feel so sad for DS who's now scared of his father and doesn't know what to do. Want to talk to GPs but also want them to be available for DS so don't want them to be on the phone talking to me.

So now I'm just sitting by the phone waiting for a call.

I don't know waht to do.

Have spoken again to DS and he does not want me to come. But I am worried that he is thinking of me rather than him or the fuss that might be made if I do come. He asked his dad to call me which is why he called from the car. Have told DS that I will speak to H tonight if he has not rung me before that when I can have a private conversation with him. I have told DS that I will come if he changes his mind, at any time. I think he'd want me there if I could get there quickly, he's not so sure what he'll need in 5 hours time ifkwim.

If it was just down to me I would go. But I also have to consider the longer term and also the GPs who are at risk of getting stuck in the middle of this. Also, I do need a break. Still shattered from yesterday's nightmare journey back. And this morning hasn't exactly been relaxing. I hate putting my needs on the list but I am more available to my children if I consider myself too.

DD and also younger DS are clearly affected by the fallout. DD said she was fine earlier but will be quietly and silently worried. She will probably talk to me when she gets the chance.

It would be nice to think that everyone will learn something but I suspect the children will need a serious debriefing on their return. GPs, lovely as they are, don't handle conflict well. It must have been really bad for them to have intervened in the first place. What I hope is that the children see how important they are to their GPs and that their needs come first.

hmm sounds like things have calmed down and your gps are doing well with your ds (lovely for him)
Good luck with talking with ex tonight.

Have now spoken to ex. Not particularly satisfactory but I made my point clearly and strongly. TBF ex did acknowledge the damage he's done to relationships with all of us at a time when he's trying to build trust. But it feels like talking to a child and our children take more responsibility for their behaviour than he is doing. Can't help but hope his parents might talk some sense into him. Unfortunately they'll probably brush it all under the carpet.

Still feel very angry so off to punch a few cushions!

SSR/ships........SO glad to hear of a mum who is most definitely putting her child first. So many of these posts are from women talking of men behaving very badly towards children and they seem to be making excuses for them.

Your son is obviously confused and possibly upset about the recent separation? I would say however that 12 is a difficult age and I think men (the insecure type) sometimes feel threatened by the fact that the boy is on the verge of adolescence and start to challenge them. this can be seen with primates actually!

You sound like a lovely mum and hope all goes well for you.

Thank you NanaNina for your kind words.

DS is confused by adolescence in general and his feelings in particular. Not helped at all by what has been happening at home and the recent separation. I think that he and ex are quite alike and that's why they can clash.

DS has just told me on the phone that I'm a great mum but don't feel it. Wish I had a magic wand and could just be there to give him a hug.

I bet he knows that you love him though and is soo glad to speak to you on the phone.
He will probably save up a lot of emotion he hasn't been able to let go for when he gets back.
(also have a 12 yo ds) so good luck with him and you all as a new little family unit.
Try to think of something you would all love to do when they get back.
Your ex does have some way to go too.

Quick update for all who've responded. Spent Tuesday wondering whether to go or not but DS said not. Spoke to DS on Wed pm and he asked me to come. So have driven 400 miles in the last 24 hours and now have him home with me. DS is very appreciative of the fact that I have done this for him which means he feels loved and supported.

Spent some time with ex and DS supporting DS to say how he felt. Ex does not remember some of what he did which I find worrying. I have suggested he works through this with his counsellor.

On a more positive note, both of his parents have spoken to ex separately about his behaviour and how inappropriate it was. And they are only aware of the shouting and don't know he manhandled his son!

How great to have GPs who don't automatically take the side of their son.
H is presumably upset by the split and dealing with DS's adolescence - he needs to realise if this happens again he's going to be deep, deep, deep in the you-know-what.
Good luck!

Well done you for listening to your ds.
What good gps they have.
And how convenient he forgot what exactly went on, now either he doesn't want to face the reality of what he did, even to himself. Or he is an arse.
His parents sound as if they are looking out for you all, I'm sure they don't want their son treating his children like that.
Is your dd with you too, do't know how old she is and how this is impacting on her relationships with her dad but as importnantly, if not more with her brother and you.

Thanks mamas12. DD is 9 but also have DS (5) too so a bit more complicated. Thought long and hard about best approach and then just had to make a decision based on what I thought was the best thing to do.

Didn't want to separate the children but, decided on balance, that that was the fairest thing all round. To have taken all three home would have cut short their trip to GPs, punished GPs for their son's behaviour etc, etc. DD and DS1 are winding each other up as they are both upset but expressing it differently. They usually get on really well so this is unusual. So I also felt it might not be a bad thing to give them each a break.

So have left DD and DS2 with ex and GPs. Ex doesn't tend to clash in the same way with either child even though DD is the fiery one among the children. DD is also angry with DS1 for 'upsetting Dad' as she is feeling very insecure with dad since he left. Luckily, neither she nor DS2 heard what happened as downstairs at the time. May well have called this wrong but have done the best I felt I could in difficult circumstances.

Ex, DD and DS are due back on Saturday in any case as we are all supposed to be going on holiday together next week! Hence my need for a few days by myself to gather my strength, which I'm obviously going to need!

SSR, I hope your mind is at rest now! But how silly of a grown man to clash with his son in such a way. My ds1 can be awkward and push his luck but i don't manhandle him and would batter have stern words, like you did, with them.

Hope the holiday goes well.

Phew there is more!
Right so enjoy your time with ds and get ready for the holiday and remember, I think it's been said before, children are horrible to you becasue they feel safe enough TO express themselves this way.
So take comfort and try not to react too much to all the fighting between dcs.

Thanks both of you for your messages.

Mamas12 - I agree totally, and told myself the same last Friday as my DD told me I'd ruined her life, etc, etc! So don't take it personally but try to remind DCs that they are all hurting and to try to be kind to each other.

I also hope the holiday goes well but my 'reasonableness' bucket is pretty close to empty and, quite frankly, tired of parenting 4 children! Beginning to wonder whether 'reasonable' actually means 'mug' but trying to hold onto my long-term aims of a good working relationship with my ex, for the benefit of, primarily, our children, but also family and friends.

Also beginning to wonder whether ex is hell bent on self destruction and when or if I'll be able to tell.