When does it become fun

[Roopoo]

Hi
I have posted before about a couple of things but just wondered when I can expect to start enjoying being a mummy.
I really don't enjoy it... I don't think Im very good at it to be fair.. I don't really enjoy playing with her and the sound of her crying and screaming (which she does a lot of I have posted about this) fills me with despair....

I had high hopes for motherhood and feel a little bit cheated... I feel very resentful for a life that I loved that I will never get back again........
I have ok days and then bad days...

I do love her.... But if I knew then what I know now I don't think I would have had a child... People ask me when Im planning the next one and the thought of it makes me feel all cold and sick...

DH loves it all... he finds her amazing and they are smitten with each other... Maybe it's me.... I just wondered if it all got easier after a certain age??? She is 15 weeks.....

Sometimes when I think about my life and the way I feel... and I wonder if it will ever get better and when I think that it won't I just want to go to bed and never have to wake up...

I was soo happy before I became a mum.. The life and soul of the party... now I seem to follow my DH round like a shadow with tears in my eyes...

Please don't tell me I have PND as I don't think I do....

Please don't flame me for feeling this way, I just wondered if maybe when they get to 6 months they stop the constant screaming and fighting sleep and life becomes a little easier......

I had such high hopes and dreams of being a mummy... It's all I ever wanted...

I could have written your OP. The lack of sleep and lack of space make it all so much harder. And it is easier for DH to come in after work and be all super dad, he hasn't had to look after her day in day out for 3 months. I used to get cross with DH for being the same way, he would come home and I would be completely frazzled and he would swoop in and be all lovely with DD and make me feel 10 times worse!

I'm not sure if I had PND or not, the Dr's suggested it but I almost didn't want to succumb to it, but I basically didn't enjoy the 1st year. Even now I feel resentful of my friends who rave about loving being on maternity leave and just seem to enjoy motherhood so much.

Like you I suffered from high expectations, and was never really prepared for the loss of freedom. I had my confidence completely knocked when I had a baby and two years on it has really affect my transition back to work. I feel like I am not the person I was, I have lost motivation. My boss is fab and is helping me tackle the work thing. As for motherhood, I guess it just gets easier, and it does get more fun, and you get better at it. DD is 2 and is far more exhausting than she has ever been (she never stops talking!) but she is so cute and I get much more feed back from her (positive and negative!).

I don't really have any advice (if I did I'd take it myself) except to say give yourself a break, don't compare yourself to other people and try and talk to DH about how you feel. If you are anything like me you need an action plan. Write a list of things you can do to get out and about with DD and write a list of treats you would like (even if it is just an hour's break in the bedroom alone while DH looks after DD).

I've just started reading this book in the hope that it will help me live more 'in the moment' and stop looking back and forwards.

I hope you feel better soon.

Definitely start turning the monitor down. It used to be surgically attached to my head but is now turned down to minus 6, in the wardrobe . As soon as he makes a sound, I wake up instantly everytime. He then usually goes back to sleep...whilst I lie awake staring at the ceiling .

Hope you're feeling better on this nice sunny day.

Do you need the monitor at all? If baby cries will you not hear? I have never had a monitor, our house is small enough that you can hear dd wherever you are if she is crying. She is pretty loud when she feels she needs me.

DH coming home is probably exciting for both you and baby, bet you do a 'yeah, daddy' when he comes in. I read a mn post once where she had insisted on a 'yeah, mummy' and excited clapping if her dh was with baby and she came back to the room, even things up a bit.

HarryB You sound a bit like me, I was OK with the newborn stuff, I thought I would hate it, but actually it was fine, it was when dd got a bit older and I felt pressure to entertain her and she got bored easily I found it more difficult. From about 18months it got easier, she started to say a few words and be able to play on her own for a few more minutes. Now she is 21 months and will sit on my lap and watch ITNG which is really nice, or we can read books together, then she will go off and do her own thing. She has a personality and I feel we understand each other more. I do love going to work though, I feel like me when I am there.

I started reading a book yesterday that said that before the 1960's parents weren't judged, they were just parents and children were either good or bad or whatever independent of what thier parents did. Then behavioural psychology became popular and now we as parents are under so much pressure because the childs behaviour is seen as a response to our actions. We question everything we do but our grandparents just got on with it without worrying too much about how they nurtured.

Hiya everyone..
Been at weightwatchers this morning and due to lack of weightloss have been for a very long walk... DD screamed throughout the walk.. but I just kept on walking

Thanks for everyones views and ideas.. I am going to have a long hot bath tonight and leave DH in charge.. I have to FF as when DD was a week old I had a really bad infection that took 4 lots of antibiotics to clear up and BF never really happened for us....

I do think it has a lot to do with me being a perfectionist....
I just find it so strange that so many people have similar feelings to me yet it seems such a taboo subject.....

Can't wait for hubby to get home... it's been a screamy whingy day today... don't know why but it always seems easier when there are 2 sets of hands rather than one xxxx

I also think it may be time to turn the monitor down slightly ........

Get rid of it..

Sounds like a good plan for this evening. I think having another adult to talk to helps. It is really hard to spend the day effectivly talking to yourself.

I hope it starts to get better soon.

My mum had PND with me and afterwards she did some councilling. She said it was about letting people know that they weren't alone and it definitly would get better in the end.

You sound completely normal to me. In my opinion.

First 6 weeks = hell on earth
first 12 weeks = oh God
4 months = when does it ever end?
6 months = hmmm still hard-puree/puree/puree
9 months = starting to see some benefits
12 months = thank God!
18 months = actually quite enjoying myself.

I am Not a baby person, not everyone is. I did not like the baby stage.
Don't be too hard on yourself, it is graft, hard, hard, hard work with not much back.

It gets better and you may in time realise why you wanted kids the first place.

Allinoz - spot on, haha!

Allyinoz - (wails) but I'm only at 5 months! Baby led weaning is appealing to me as I just can't face all those purees.

Roopoo - how was your evening? I'm impressed you're doing the Weightwatchers, as I'm finding it hard not to gain weight at the mo, let alone lose any. Still weigh more than DH, which is not terrible, as he's a skinny one, but still...

Are you in touch with some other mums through your antenatal classes or other groups? That has been a sanity saver for me.

Im heavier than my hubby too... again he is quite skinny though...

Been to the doctors and had a bit of a weep... At least I got how I was feeling off my chest... Am now on anti depressants... I'm not over the moon about being on tablets but figure if it helps then it's worth doing.....

15 weeks is soooo young (although I know every day feels like a month at the moment...) so of course you're not enjoying it - the first 12 weeks are Hell On Earth and the following few months aren't much better...

You start enjoying it little by little, as they get older and you get to sleep more (this was key for me!).

Ds's are now 7 and 5 and it's tons of fun for lots of the time. I know this seems like a million years away but as they get older and you can start to see how they (literally) take baby steps towards being more independent you can see how wonderful they are without it being the most exhausting thing in the world.

I'm on leave this week at home and have spent this morning making walls out of mini cereal packets and a turret out of a Vimto bottle for ds1's Action man. It's been lovely, easy and fun. I never would have imagined this a while ago but just take it really easy, slowly and while they're teeny, try to get as much help as you can and escape for coffees or short breaks if you possibly can.

The early years are seriously hard work. Stressful too. Enjoy them while you can. My two sons are 17 and 14 and I can't stop crying when I think that they are going to leave soon. You don't have them for long. They become different people when puberty hits at around 13. Not your babies anymore. Try to take it easy and enjoy this time.

Another vote here for giving yourself an hour or so a night of responsibility free time. I just went to bed and left DH in charge of the monitor (often to read rather than to sleep, but didn't tell him that ).

I found that as long as I had a couple of hours to myself (usually 9-11 ish) I could cope reasonably well with the exhaustion/demanding baby/soul crushing daytime lonliness, but if I missed a day then everything started to spiral out of control in my head until I really wasn't coping.

Amazing how such a small thing made such a big difference - hope it works for you

Hey Roopoo,

I, too, am impressed with your use of straighteners. A four year old who is terrified of the sound of the hairdryer puts paid to all hair styling in our house.

I just wanted to say both my DSs went in their own room at about six weeks and I slept much better for it. And my DH takes the monitor for the first part of the evening. Definitely makes a difference. I second getting a bit of time for yourself. I even find the five minute walk back from dropping DS1 off at nursery great if I have left DS2 with DH, though there is the temptation to keep on walking...

Don't feel bad about the tablets. Coincidentally, I had a GP appointment this morning and also agreed to take some tablets. I was asking the GP whether they would help because I think the underlying problems are all to do with not being at work and tiredness. But she did say she thought I had classic PND - used to being a very organised person and find it difficult to deal with the upheaval of the baby. And she said that taking the tabs could mean the difference between enduring the next few months and enjoying it. Worth a shot, I think.

Keep in touch and let me know how you get on. We can compare notes on the effectiveness of the tabs.

Will do Renwein.. xxx

Hi Roopoo. Glad to hear that you got some of it off your chest to your doctor; talking about it is half the battle IME. I know you're not overjoyed about the tablets, but they might just take the edge off everything. I really should follow your lead and get myself to the docs. I said to DH last night "you know, all I want to do is eat chocloate these days, do you think I'm depressed". He said " hell yes, you've been depressed for months". I don't know whether I'm angry at myself for not admitting it, or my DH for not addressing it.

HarryB - My mum told me today not to take tablets and to just see how I get on... Hubby is very much for me taking the tablets he thinks that I am depressed... I suspose it's our other halves who notice the difference in us... He's the only person that I don't put my happy act on for...

If your feeling down would definately go to the doctors.. It felt great to get it off my chest to someone who totally understood where I was coming from...

Glad the gp visit was helpful , take the tablets and see how it goes. Agree your dh is a better gauge than your mum.

Roopoo, I'll say the same thing to you that I've said to a friend (and myself) before - you know you don't have to tell your mum everything, don't you? I'm sure you're right that DH knows you best. Give them a try and if you don't like them you can always stop. And don't mention it to your mum again if you think she's going to worry about it.

Well done on getting help btw - asking is often the hardest step. Good luck and keep posting.

Isitmeor - Your right... I've had a chat to hubby and Im just going to stay quiet and not involve my mum as I don't think she will be supportive of my decision to take them so figure it best just to jeep it between me and hubby xxx

Thanks again

Roopoo, agree that DH knows you best. If you're like me, you probably put on a big happy front when your family are around.

Good luck with the weightwatchers too, although, you can stretch the "I've just had a baby" line out for at least a year . Seriously, how you are fixed for babysitters - are your family local? I joined a gym and just go a couple of hours a week but it's been a great release for stress and of course you get a rest from the baby.

Hiya

Just wanted to quickly update.. I have had a lovely day with DH being lovely and helping out with DD loads..

Had another relaxing bath and DH put DD to sleep for the night in her own room... This was at 6 so she may well wake up screaming yet but I feel so much more positive in that I might have my bedroom back etc xx

Not getting to excited as it will probably go tits up before the end of the night but at least we are making a start xxxx

Hope everyone else is OK

HarryB Babysitters are great my mum would have her every day if she could... Thinkin about joining a couple of classes at the gym.. My mum has said that she will start taking her one afternoon a week at the moment so am going to try and get something booked....

I may not be enjoying being a mum but Im going to try and use all your tips to make it bareable IYKWIM x

Glad you had a nice day RooPoo - you are sounding much more positive. Gym sounds like a great idea. And I agree with everyone that DH is your best judge of how you're doing re deciding to take the tablets.

Another tip, FWIW, when DS was smaller, I used to wait until he needed a nap, push him until he was asleep and then duck into a coffee shop, order a hot chocolate with whipped cream skinny latte and huge slice of cake and read the paper whilst he snoozed. Half an hour of feeling like a normal person guaranteed!

Keep on keeping on. x

Really pleased for you, DH and DD. How did the night in her own room go?

I was just reading that motherhood gets easier when you are able to accept that life has changed and get on with living the new way. I think that means I shouldn't have stayed up until 11pm last night and be feeling quite so tired now as DS woke up ready for the day at 5.45am this morning!

xx

Roopoo you have just said what I feel, my dd(and she is)is 2.5 and though I love her to bits, I just find it a bit tedious and sometimes (dare I say it boring). I hated the baby stage as she had colic and would cry from 9am to 9pm and has never really slept the night and still continue to not sleep, meaning a severe lack of sleep for myself and dh. I have tried everything to get her to sleep the night, but to her sleep is a necessity and not something she enjoys as she is so active. as my dd has gone though the stages I have enjoyed it so much more, but finding the 2s a bit hard, it really wears me out. Coupled with i live in an area with bad public transport and i dont drive. Please dont despair, there are others in your shoes too.

Morning
DD slept really well in her own room... Not sure if this was just a fluke or not but she didn't wake once...I had the monitor next to me all night but she didnt make a single noise...
She managed to put herself into some crazy positions in her big girl cot though xxx

Feel so much better for having my room back.. even DH agreed that we both had a better nights sleep without her there.. (hope that didn't come accross as heartless)

Hope everyone else is OK xx