When does it become fun

[Roopoo]

Hi
I have posted before about a couple of things but just wondered when I can expect to start enjoying being a mummy.
I really don't enjoy it... I don't think Im very good at it to be fair.. I don't really enjoy playing with her and the sound of her crying and screaming (which she does a lot of I have posted about this) fills me with despair....

I had high hopes for motherhood and feel a little bit cheated... I feel very resentful for a life that I loved that I will never get back again........
I have ok days and then bad days...

I do love her.... But if I knew then what I know now I don't think I would have had a child... People ask me when Im planning the next one and the thought of it makes me feel all cold and sick...

DH loves it all... he finds her amazing and they are smitten with each other... Maybe it's me.... I just wondered if it all got easier after a certain age??? She is 15 weeks.....

Sometimes when I think about my life and the way I feel... and I wonder if it will ever get better and when I think that it won't I just want to go to bed and never have to wake up...

I was soo happy before I became a mum.. The life and soul of the party... now I seem to follow my DH round like a shadow with tears in my eyes...

Please don't tell me I have PND as I don't think I do....

Please don't flame me for feeling this way, I just wondered if maybe when they get to 6 months they stop the constant screaming and fighting sleep and life becomes a little easier......

I had such high hopes and dreams of being a mummy... It's all I ever wanted...

I am asking myself the same question as Roopee. I can relate so much. It took us almost 2 years to conceive and I thought it would never happen so I was obviously thrilled when it did. I spent every second of my pregnancy worrying but I had a lovely chubby DS 7 months ago. So why do I feel so in despair much of the time.

Everyone said the newborn stage would be the hardest but I found that a bit of a doddle. What I am going through now is the hardest thing I've ever done. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating. DS is 7 months now and since 4 months, he has spent nearly all day every day whinging. He has plenty of toys but that only holds his attention for 5 minutes at a time, he is fed, watered, changed, clean, loved, but still he seems fed up. I take him for a good walk every day and I look at him in his pushchair and he just looks grumpy. Baby groups seem to bore him -and me too if I'm honest. I am not a baby person really, so all that "aahh your baby is so cute" doesn't come naturally. Instead, I'm often thinking "why does your baby have a ginormous head".

DS does have daily moments of lovliness where he's a giggling little nutter who is full of fun, but that seems to happen late afternoons/early evening - funnily enough when DH gets home. DS only naps for 30 mins at a time too and gets up pretty early - 6.30 - so from that time till 6pm, I feel like I'm going crazy. I didn't suffer with PND as such but I had a very hard time with my MiL and SiL and the fact that I am surrounded by all DH's family. My own live miles away, and my friends are scattered round the UK. I have felt incredibly lonely at times.

Nobody tells you about the utter boredom and the wipe/clean/laundry/pick up thrown toys cycle. The monotony is killing me and I'm literally counting down the days till I go back to work. I love my DS to bits but I guess I am just not cut out to be a SAHM.

For me it got much better after I went back to work. I was lucky that I was able to go back part time. Three days of being me rather than mummy was bliss.

I was really shocked at how massivly my relationship with my dh changed. We were totally solid secure happy couple. We are again now but it took a year for us to adjust, its like you have to redesign your relationship. DD is now 20 months and a joy, now that she has a personality and can tell me what she needs, we can play together and she can play on her own for a bit too. It is much more fun and easier.

Hang on in there. It will get better. You are definitly not alone. I found when dd was little i had to get out for a walk at least every day, sometimes when dd was screaming and really just wanted a cuddle.

Oh Harry - that sounds rough.

I can totally relate to your ginormous head comment. I try to remember that they're little people and basically react to/take their lead from you. But do fill a bit guilty looking at a weird looking baby, trying to smile and say what a cutie. Thankfully everybody seems to believe their baby is absolutely gorgeous, so nobody seems to notice the little white lies.

Can you get DH or his family to take DS for a couple of hours so you can do something for you once a week?

I suspose I do get on with the women at the baby group... They do seem to be the earth mother types IYKWIM... Not that thats a bad thing but they seemed a little disgusted by the fact that I was going back to work etc...

Even If I didnt want to go back to work (which I do) I couldn't afford to be a sahm...

I want to put DD in her own room... She is 15 weeks and I just think it would give me some of my space back... I have to dry my hair and do my make up downstairs these days... Do you think we are ok to put her in her own room now????????

Harry i totally understand where you are coming from... DD always looks slightly pissed off and annoyed.... Apart from when DH comes in and her face lights up and they go off and have bathtime together....

Well Roopoo, you know what I think about putting our DS in his own room. I did feel guilty about it initially, but he seems to do better and so do we. You know your baby best. As far as I can recall, most of the mums in my antenatal group put their babies into their own rooms between 3 and 4 months. Talking to people with second children, seems to be a lot quicker than that on average!

In terms of your DD seeming to smile at DH and not at you, for me I've found that DS can't always tell the difference between "put on" smiles and genuine ones. But I can, so I'm finding that if I try really hard to relax and just enjoy him - which obviously I can't do all the time, or indeed very much yet - we can both have fun together. Of course they seem better for DHs after the long day when they've been at work. DH is (hopefullly!) really pleased to see her and has lots of energy that only needs to see him through bathtime before he can put his feet up. We need to make it through the whole day without killing anybody.

Glad the walk worked for you - that's a bit of a life saver round here too. You are eating properly aren't you? Which, to me, means healthyish meals with some chocolate/cake type snacks .

Roopee, don't feel too disheartened about DD being full of smiles for DH - she probably still thinks that you are an extention of her, rather than the person that cares for her. I was convinced DS hated me for ages - mainly put in my head by MiL - because all he seemed to do was whinge, but when he started giggling, I felt a bit better because he always giggled at me.

I am really trying to look forward and keep telling myself "it's a phase" which seems to be the mantra on Mumsnet. Bloody never thought an internet forum would save my sanity but it has. All my friends work and I just don't want to bother them with stuff and when I do see them, I want to enjoy it. I also feel ashamed of how I feel at times to be honest.

Do you find weekends are your saviour? Just having DH around for support or sound off to is a big help. We also take turns for a lie in so I get at least one baby free early morning per week. Have you tried that? Little things really do make the difference in the overall outlook.

MiL looks after DS on occasion but it's mainly because our relationshiop has broken down so much, I can't be in the same room as her for long, so DH said, when MiL sees DS, let's use it to our advantage and go for a drink or dinner - this has worked out well on all levels.

I'm rambling a bit now, but overall, I still have worse days than good, but 3 months ago, I didn't have any good days. I couldn't see any light at the end of then tunnel until recently so things must be getting better - albeit slowly. I just keep repeating "it's a phase, it will pass" like a mad woman

If putting her in her own room will give you a bit of sanity, then do it. We moved DS at about 4.5 months (I think, brain befuddled by baby) as none of us were getting decent sleep. He settled very quickly.

And the smiles for Daddy thing. DS is nearly one and still gets way more excited when he sees DP. In fact, he gets excited when he sees friends, strangers in the park, creepy old men on buses...anyone except me basically! I think by the time they realise they are seperate to you, you've become a 'fixture', a constant, whereas people they see less are more exciting! But when the chips are down and he's tired or scared or poorly, only Mummy will do.

And don't feel bad about going back to work. I return next week part-time, and whilst I am very anxious about DS settling with his CM, I am looking forward to the fact that I can be 'me' again for a few days. And that I can go to the toilet or have a cup of tea whenever I feel like it...

God yes weekends are what I live for at the moment... I don't have a lie in though as hubby is up everyday at 6.30 as well as me as he starts works early he also does overtime on a Saturday morning so I let him lie in on a Sunday...
I feel awful the amount hubby does especially as he works so hard at work...If it's a really bad day though then I just don't seem to get anything done....

I love mumsnet... my friends don't have children so would never understand how Im finding life so tough ..x

Roopoo, sorry for calling you roopee!!

You said you have family nearby, it is possible for them to take DD for half a day during the week so you can have a break? I remember having my hair done when DS was 3 months old and that couple of hours away was bliss. It really takes the edge off - especially when you're deprived of sleep.

By the way, I did laugh when you said that you do your hair and make up downstairs. I too have a pair of hair straighteners behind my sofa Glad I'm not the only one.

Thats where I keep my straighteners too ha ha ha xxx
Plus a big bag of makeup and my hairdryer...

You manage to DRY your hair ? And what are these things called "straighteners"?

ha ha ha ha.. thats the first laugh I've had all day IsItMeOr

Now, if you could see my hair today, I could give you second one .

You haven't seen mine.... Think my hormones are making me sweat tons so unfortunately I have hair like a fox's tail.. big and bushy!!!

Hi Roopoo
Another show of support here - I really struggled for the first 4 - 6 months with DD1. I loved her, but I really, really wanted my old life back. I wanted the freedom, I wanted not to have the gut-wrenching worry that she'd die that I'd do something wrong and damage her (not in a harming way, in a clueless way). It was a complete state of mourning for the life I no longer had and I felt like a really useless mum.

Things started getting better as she became more "switched on", IFYKWIM. When she sat up, it got better; when we started weaning, it got better; when she crawled, it got better. Her first year was still the longest year of my life, I thought she'd NEVER get to her first birthday. But she did and became an absolute joy. We could have (rudimentary) little conversations, share a funny moment, etc.

Oh, and on the moving her out of your room, we moved DD1 out at 16 weeks, and DD2 at 2 weeks. It really did make a huge difference to me to be able to be in my room and have my space - a tiny weeny bit of downtime from being mum.

Take care, and don't expect to feel like a mum too soon. And I often take heart in the fact that I (and most people I know) don't remember much, if anything, before the age of 3 or 4, so I figure only I will remember my earliest mistakes.

Thanks for all the support...
For some reason this is the one of the worst times of day for me..... I sit here next to the baby monitor just waiting for her to cry... It's stupid really as she generally sleeps through apart from waking for her dummy....
Sometimes I feel like hiding the baby monitor as it bothers me so much, but obviously this would be a bad thing as I wouldn't be able to hear her if she did cry..

Health visitor thinks Im anxious and very uptight and wants me to have a chat to someone... Im open minded so think that I will, just don't feel comfortable telling a total stranger that i don't enjoy being a mummy and I think I've made a massive mistake.. I just know I will see the pity in their eyes..........

Ramble over xx

Hey Roopoo - have you tried having a nice bath? And could DH take responsibility for the baby monitor? If she doesn't need feeding (assuming you're BFing), then he can do anything that she needs.

Personally, I'm off to bed as, even though I don't always get off to sleep before DS wakes up for a feed, I feel better for the rest.

If you're not BFing - or even if you are - perhaps a small glass of wine? Or perhaps a hot chocolate?

And how about reading a few pages of a good book?

Hope one of these ideas helps!

On the chatting to someone, I would always say give it a try. I've found it really helpful, and it shouldn't hurt. Being open minded is a really good start.

I live in London, so I did find it really good one evening to just go to the local shop to buy something, leaving DH at home with DS. That 15 minutes out of the house by myself was lovely. Could you do something like that now?

Roopoo - I feel exactly the same. I have come to the conclusion that I'm not a baby person. I love DS to bits but it drives me mad not knowing what he wants sometimes (he is 5 months). And all the baby games singing etc. bore me to tears. Baby groups have helped me, plus I've found it's nice to do things for myself whilst simultaneously entertaining him - eg. doing an exercise vid while he's on his playmat in front of me, doing my knitting while sitting on the floor next to his bouncy chair and chatting to him. I've also signed up for an OU course which I'm going to do when he's asleep or during evenings/weekends when DH is here. I am looking forward to the day DS can talk and we can interact a bit more. I also can't wait to go back to work (part time). Luckily, DS is already showing signs of being as independent as I am!

It may sound horrible, but we have to accept that not everybody is into the same things - and that includes babies. Looking after a young baby is hard bloody work and unless babies happen to be your main interest in life you are going to find it hard going and (dare I say it?) boring from time to time. But you love them and do the right thing by them and it doesn't make you a bad mother to feel that way.

This thread makes me so sad for you Roopoo - I haven't read the whole thing, just the last page but wanted to add my support.

Re putting her in her own room - if it will give you some sanity, then do it, I say. DS went into his own room at 3 months for no other reason than that he outgrew his moses basket and we couldn't get his cot in our room ! (He was back in with us from about 6 months cosleeping but that's another story)

As for enjoying them - I'm preg with no 2 and absolutely dreading it. I did enjoy DS babyhood, but as a toddler he is just THE BEST. they come out with such funny things, you get sooo much back from them ie cuddles, hugs, telling you special things. I mean - what do you do with a baby !!!! they're boring

I remember a friend telling me when DS was a year that it just gets better and better. I didn't believe her. But it does. I find myself wanting to stop the clock and stop him getting any older, because at 2.5 he's just the best thing since sliced bread. Hopefully when your DC is that age you will be able to look back on those early months and breathe a sigh of relief ! It is such a huge adjustment having a baby, I found that I just didn't feel back to my normal self until he was about 2 !!

Roopoo, hope you are feeling a bit better today and that your chat with the health visitor goes well. Please do tell her how you are feeling - I bet she won't be as surprised as you think.

I am so pleased that I can finally come out and say that I hate baby play, I find it sooooo boring, it doesn't come naturally to me yet I feel like I should be doing it all day long as - the fucking baby books make you feel - if DS isn't stimulated enough now, he'll be a thicko later on. My aunt said recently that their babies ate, poo'd and slept and they didn't really interact with them till they were a year old. Could you imagine that now - we'd be imprisoned for under-stimulation, if that's even a word .

Roopoo - how are you doing today? Hope you had a good night.

Harry - I feel so guilty just leaving DS on his playmat, or indeed having him in his BabyBjorn as I type now. I try to tell myself he enjoys the bright screen! Thankfully DH didn't laugh/look appalled when I mentioned this.

Babyignoramus - those are good ideas, I may be borrowing some of them! Problem is that I had got to a tricky bit on my knitting project just before DS was born, and haven't yet had the time and mental faculties to work out what I need to do (5 months - aggghhh!). Was wondering if I could cope with the guilt of just starting something else easier and coming back to it in 5 years...

I think it was someone on Mumsnet that once said "never try and make a happy baby happier". If your baby is happy watching you MN, leave them to it! Sing to them while you do it though, if that makes you feel better

I remember when DS was small, I felt really guilty for putting him in his bouncy chair so I could eat some lunch.

I used to be able to knit while DS was around (though I felt really guilty for doing it) but now he just wants to "help" or wants me to play with him.

Roopoo, this may sound daft but is your monitor turned right up? Turn the volume down as far as you can go, you'll still hear your DD if she cries, but if you don't hear every little snuffle you may be able to relax a bit more.

Roopoo - know this is off the point a bit, but could your DH do a bit more to help? And could you let him? I found this hard at first, but my DH is really up for it, and now he takes the baby monitor after I've given ds his bedtime feed and I know it's his responsibility to go to ds if he wakes up before the next feed is due. It really helps. we call the monitor the electronic baby, and he puts it in his shirt pocket. I will ask to check he has it (he usually pats his pocket affectionately at this point), and then I know I can switch off for a bit.

Could something like that work for you three?

Roopoo, haven't read whole thread but I promise you that you are not alone in the way you are feeling. I felt EXACTLY as you have described when I had DD 6 years ago.

And one bit of your posts just jumped out at me, when you said you felt like you had lost your DH as he was so besotted with your DD. This is EXACTLY how I felt too. And it wasn't mentioned in any of the books. Everything i had read talked about the husband feeling left out and neglected because of the mother being besotted with the baby. But with us, like you, it was the other way around. DH was besotted with DD and I felt completely ignored and unwanted by him, whilst I felt nothing for DD, apart from fear and resentment. I even talked to DH about it and he just laughed, didn't take me seriously, said something about me being jealous of all the attention DD was getting. He was quite nasty about it and made me feel 100 time worse than i already did.

I also had a 'stiff upper lip' type of family that i simply could not open up to at all. Whenever they came to visit, i put on a complete front, acted jolly and happy and so they had no idea how i was really feeling.

It was a terrible time for me, possibly the worst 6 months of my entire life . (I was 33 when I had DD).

BUT BUT BUT, I am now 6 years down the line. I had DS 3 years ago and like you, I could not have contemplated having another baby in the early months. I am sure i also considered putting DD up for adoption but never told anybody about it.

As others have said, life seemed to gradually get better as DD got older and developed a personality and we could do more stuff. But I think the turning point for me was when I had DS, when DD was 2.9. I think i still had very low level PND until DS was born, at which point i seemed to suddenly snap out of it and felt like my old self again. There have been many ups and downs even since DS was born, but it was nowhere near as bad as when I had DD.

I just feel I should add that I have since realised that the real root cause of my depression and awful feelings after I had DD were due to my own terrible childhood. I had repressed all my awful childhood memories and having DD somehow acted as a 'trigger' in releasing the long buried memories and it was actually those memories which were causing my depression. It has taken me 6 years, 2 years of seeing a counsellor and a LOT of work on myself and my own issues to be able to see this clearly. This may have no relevance for you, but i felt i should mention it in case it helps.

Good Luck and keep posting, like you have found, just getting things off your chest on here is great therapy.