Hi Roopoo, I couldn't read this and not add my support to everyone elses. I really sympathise. Reading your posts took me right back there.
I just want you to know that it does get better. My DTs are 2.7now. I adore them, I love our lives together, I have a great balance between home/friends/family, I am very content in general, and I would even consider having more children in the future. If you'd asked me would I like more at 15 weeks though I think I might have quite happily picked up the nearest sharp implement and killed you!
My pregnancy was planned and much wanted. I had fostered a young child and had considerable experience with children generally (though not babies). I thought I knew what was coming and I expected sleepless nights, lots of crying, etc. However, NOTHING prepared me for the reality. I remember thinking I had made the worst mitake of my life and feeling sheer, utter panic that I couldn't give them back to someone. Don't get me wrong, I loved my DTs because they were mine and they were tiny and when they were asleep (not often) they looked adorable. But I'd be lying if I said I had a strong bond with them. For me it was impossible to have that bond because it's all one way when they are so small. I loved them but I did all the motherhood tasks of feeding, cuddling, soothing, changing, etc, because of a sense of duty and knowing that I had to, rather than because I wanted to or took any kind of enjoyment out of it.
The first 3 months were hell. At 4 months, I left the DTs Dad (he was abusive, but that's another story). The next 6 months were easier but still exhausting. I think one of the hardest things is that you are so tired and consumed by baby demands that you completely lose your sense of identity - just at a time when you badly need some self-esteem to carry you through. Then one day I woke up and realised that I felt 'normal' again. I guess this would have been about 9-10 months. And I thoroughly enjoyed the DTs between 1 and 2. It's mostly about sleep deprivation I think, but also the sheer unrelenting quality of parenting when you are the primary carer. It feels like you never get a break, and when you do you are so tired or so behind on everything else you never get the chance to enjoy the break properly.
15 weeks might be too early for you to make a sensible decision about going back to work. I went back at 12 weeks (though I did the odd hour here or there throughout maternity leave) but I now think it was too early. I wasn't getting enough sleep at that point. That said, the break from the DTs was exactly what I needed and gave me much-needed breathing space. The point I am waffling on about trying to make is that don't worry what other people think or say. If going back to work is the right option for you, then do it. Work has saved the sanity of many a new mother, myself included. My friends tell me I am one of the most patient mothers they know, but it's only because I value my DTs much more now I am no longer with them 24/7.
My other tip is to talk. Friendship is what kept me going through the sleepless nights and moments spent collapsed on the floor in a sobbing heap when, for example, I realised that I'd set the minifridge to hot instead of cold and destroyed 5 bottles of ebm. No man (or mother) is an island...
Sorry to go on and on, but really, you are not alone. Even mothers with perfect babies who love their lives have days where they feel like you. It's a shame more people can't express it openly rather than peddling this myth that it's all roses all the time. It is wonderful, but like many things in life, the best rewards result from hard work.
Hope you feel better soon.