I have seen this on another forum, and thought it's something mnetters may like:
Good Vs. Bad Mothering
I have been thinking a lot lately about this whole mothering thing. This somehow
sacred ideal that there is a perfect way to mother, and that women who deviate
from this method are somehow inferior.
No matter what your taste, you can read a study or a book by a self-proclaimed
expert who will back you up. Want to Attachment Parent? Read this book! Want to
CIO? Read this book! Want to use cloth diapers? Read this study! Want to use a
bottle? Here's what this doctor says!
The Latest Studies show. Talk about a phrase that should be removed from all
languages. 30 years ago The Latest Studies showed that bottle-feeding and
starting solids at 3 weeks and using disposable diapers was the best way to
raise your child. Today, The Latest Studies show that breastfeeding and starting
solids after 9 months and using cloth diapers are the best way to raise your
child. The Latest Studies don't ever agree with each other, because if they did,
there would be no more money given out to actually do studies, and there would
be no money made in writing books.
Most of us survive childhood intact. Sure, we bitch. Sure we trot out our
parents' mistakes and brandish them with a vengeance as proof of our suffering.
Sure we rant and rave, promising ourselves and anyone else that listens that we
will be different, that we will never be the same kind of mother as our own
second-rate one.
And yes, there is such a thing as bad mothering.
But.
Bad mothering is not using disposable diapers. Bad mothering is not using
bottles and formula. Bad mothering is not putting a baby into a crib and letting
the baby cry until she learns to sleep on her own. Bad mothering is not giving
the baby a cookie to just shut up her whining, already.
Nor is bad mothering using cloth diapers. Or breastfeeding until the baby is 4.
Or letting the baby sleep in bed with her parents, even while they make love. Or
feeding the baby a vegetarian diet.
There are women out there who are bad mothers. There are mothers shooting up
while their children die of starvation and neglect in the next room. There are
mothers out there who stuff a pillow over their heads so they don't have to
listen to the whimpers from their 8 year olds while their fathers sodomize them.
There are mothers out there who abandon their children on the street because
they no longer wish to care for them. There are women who slowly twist their
children's limbs until they snap while their children cry and beg, promising to
be good.
Bad mothers.
Yes.
But most of us are not.
At some point along the line, women in the Western world stopped trusting their
instincts. We began to listen to doctors. We eagerly read studies and books that
would confirm to us that yes, we were good mothers!
And worse, we began to betray each other. We began to gather in camps, and we
set up rules for what constituted good mothering. And any mother who strayed
outside those rules was a bad mother. We'd sit together over tea and discuss in
outraged tones the ignorant woman down the street who bottle-fed her child from
birth, smugly asserting our superiority in breastfeeding our own children for
years. We'd converse over a power lunch about the poor deluded woman who quit
her high-profile job so she could stay home and finger-paint, rolling our eyes
and congratulating ourselves on our excellent luck in nannies. We'd snipe over
email and on message boards, on blogs and over the phone.
Look at me! I am a better mother! And I can prove it to you by surrounding
myself with other mothers who think just like me! I can prove it by shoving
these books in your face! I can prove it by demeaning other mothers who have
made different choices than mine!
Why are we doing this?
Why can't we feel confident in our own mothering choices? Why do we feel such a
need to prove ourselves through book after book and scorn directed towards other
mothers?
Ask yourself, and be honest. When was the last time you criticized another
mother in your mind? Was it today? Was it yesterday?
The next time you hear yourself making a nasty comment about another
mother?stop. Just stop. And ask yourself ? is she really a bad mother? Does she
abuse her child? Does she neglect her child? Co-sleeping is not abuse.
Bottle-feeding is not neglect. Think about what is coming out of your mouth.
Do not diminish the pain of a child who sleeps chained in a closet, ribs cracked
from her latest beating by equating her to a child who has learned to sleep by
crying it out for a few nights in her crib. Do not diminish the pain of a child
who has been sexually abused by equating her to a child that sleeps peacefully
between her loving parents. Do not diminish the pain of a child who has not
eaten for days by equating her to a child who is not fed meat or who drinks
formula.
We are the none of us perfect. None of us are. And we will all make mistakes. We
will learn, we will revise our thinking; we will throw up our hands and let go
of a long cherished ideal because we have just got to do it or collapse.
So how about instead of attacking other mothers, we start feeling confident
about ourselves? How about we look to our own children instead of spending time
self-righteously judging everyone else's? Throw away your parenting books. Think
about what your doctor tells you and evaluate what it means. When other mothers
criticize you, shake it off and ignore the temptation to turn around and attack
back.
Let's try supporting each other for a change. I think it would make all of us
better mothers to do so.