What would disappoint you about your children?

[fizzybottles]

I want my children to be happy and to be whoever they must be. My love for them is fairly traditionally unconditional.

However, I would feel disappointed and somewhat a failure if my children do not grow up to be kind. That's desperately important to me.

(I'm kind of hoping they have a broad taste in music, too).

haha just clicked this thread and saw mamalazarou's comment, my ds 17 often has a gaping mouth whilst concentrating/ watching tv etc. i click my fingers to attract his attention and make silent hand gesture to demonstrate he should lift bottom lip, same with nail biting. he looks up nods and resumes within seconds. this mime is one of zillions of attempts to mould my ds all of which are rejected but that's just how it is.

i was very disappointed when ds started smoking, and his disdain of any kind of 'activity' bothers me but otherwise he's quite perfect

the best thing about your own kids is that they grow up to be your sort of people

I don't think that it is a given that your kids grow up to be "your sort of people" mamamila.

And I think it is quite key that parents aren't disappointed if that doesn't happen.

well i'm basing my experience on one half grown teen only, so guess i'll have more evidence when all 3 dc are grown. i also have a sister and brother 10 and 12 years younger and have a maternal/ older sister relationship with them

i haven't read all the thread but i admit i'm totally besotted with my kids and probably a 'smother mother'. but it's fascinating how your kids become their own people though it's tinged with sadness sometimes when the dynamics of the parent/ child relationship change but if you always accept and like your kids for who they are it should all be fine..

but saying that i don't know how i'd cope if they became drug addicts, that must be a living nightmare for parents

Selfishness and thoughtlessness for other people are the 2 things i hope they avoid.

I would hate it if my ds grew up to be spineless.

I have a real thing about having a social conscience and trying to do the right thing even if everyone around you is not.

Would be very disappointed if my dds grow up to be strippers/pole dancers/airheads.

coming back late to this thread

just thinking about the social skills

we do have/have had adult with autism on the forum and while they are clearly very insightful people, they also describe things that they cannot do/situations that they cannot handle, i.e. presumably skills that they cannot be taught

so it's a balance between what can be done and what can't

I've had to change my views a bit about my children. I always thought I would be disappointed if they weren't the hardy outdoor type- plodding the moors and laughing in the rain. I thought that at least was something I could teach them no matter what. I've now had to realise that with dd at least this is never going to happen. Getting cold or wet or overstraining in any way will make her so ill that it can't have any pleasant associations for her. Bit pointless to be disappointed in something that can't happen.

Interesting question that raises some really thought-provoking ideas about nature v nurture.

Another questions is what point in our DCs lives are we talking? For example, my parents (both dead now) may have been fairly disappointed with me in my mid-20s due to somewhat hedonistic lifestyle I was living and then I made it worse by shacking up with an abusive man. However, fastforward to my life now and I am very much a product of my parents values and upbringing and I know they would be proud of me. There were values and attitudes of theirs that I totally rejected during my 20s but I have fully embraced them in my 30s, now that I have children of my own.

I have come to recognise that I am more my parents child than I ever realised.

I accept that different factors are involved for children with SN, and that there are always exceptions to every hypothesis. I also accept that the infludence of society (particularly peer group) cannot be underestimated and that the element of personal choice (to choose or reject your parents values) is also very significant. You cannot make sweeping statements and expect them to apply to everyone. However, as a general rule (how's that for a sweeping statement! ) I think a great many people grow up to reflect their upbringing.

TheArmadillos comment earlier about WifeSwap was interesting. IMO, however, that kind of behaviour is preventable. 4 teenagers behaving like that are being allowed to behave like that. In RL I see other mums with much older children than mine (I left having mine a good 10 years later than most of my friends) moaning about the fact that their kids do nothing around the house, but it is precisely because these are the same mums who have taken great pride in 'looking after' (i.e. doing everything for) their DC. The DC have never learned to look after themselves/do their fair share around the house.

I don't really think about my own DCs futures and how they might disappoint me. I tend to focus on things that I want to give to them. If like me, they are left without a mum at 18, I hope to have done my job and armed them with a moral compass and enough self-reliance, self-esteem, compassion, self-discipline and freedom of thought to make their own way in the world.

Well I didn't grow up to be my parents' sort of people but they love me nonetheless.
The only thing that would dissapoint me is if dd became a horrid person.
I would just be devastated if she was unhappy.

the noly thing that could disapoint me would be if they were unable to make themselves happy.

i couldn't care if they want to be brain surgens or push trolley's at tesco, so long as they are happy in their life and their choices thats all i want.

I made a conscious effort to reject my parents when I was a teenager as I really wanted to forge my own identity. My sister was the opposite. I now apprechiate my parents' values but I am really glad that I rebelled and got a mind of my own. It was part of growing up.
My parents taught me to work hard at school etc which I value but they are definately more right wing than me.