What would disappoint you about your children?

[fizzybottles]

I want my children to be happy and to be whoever they must be. My love for them is fairly traditionally unconditional.

However, I would feel disappointed and somewhat a failure if my children do not grow up to be kind. That's desperately important to me.

(I'm kind of hoping they have a broad taste in music, too).

So many great posts on here!

cory - I agree that the nature/nurture equation is very complex. I think it's damaging to lay everything at the mother's feet. I have a child with SN, and some of his behaviour is, as yet, unmodifiable. People are quick to judge, and yet we work very hard to try to help him.

As mothers we do have a huge responsibility. As I said, I will feel a failure if they're not kind. I think we should be careful about how we judge ourselves and others, though.

I like the 'keeping in touch with family' thought.

Overmydeadbody, are you serious about "fat and lazy and didn't do any sport"? I hope not. How awful.

It's funny, to my great shame I actually would be slightly disappointed if DS was sporty but I know that's terrible. Obviously it would be good for him health-wise but... sportiness is something I just can't relate to. The thought of having to go and watch football matches every weekend... ugh. I would seriously have to paste on a supportive smile.

Lockets I'd be disappointed if they ever became too distant from their siblings - be careful with this one.

My parents feel the same way and have always stressed this. However my brother married someone who can be very unkind. She treats people so badly and it causes me an enormous amount of guilt because I want to keep parents happy but am sick of disgusting behaviour directed at me.

I want my boys to be good people obviously and not to end up in prison or be bigots of any kind.

The thing that would make me sad is if they didn't fulfill their potential and if they didn't make the best use of their talents whatever they turn out to be.

That doesn't necessarily mean they have to make loads of money or anything like that but I want them to have the satifaction of having found their niche in life where they can be happiest.

I don't want them to give up on things too easily either.

Muffle - I kind of agree with you about the sport. DH would like them to be good at cricket and play for England. I would rather poke my eyes out with a sharp stick.

However, like you I would plaster on that smile and make sure I had a good book with me should they ever attain these dizzy heights (unlikely). I would rather they were good at rugby - the games are shorter.

Yes stillstanding, I am very serious. I would be disappointed if my DS turned out to be fat and lazy and didn't do any sport. I really would.

I would feel I had failed as a parent also. Sport and excersise and looking after your body are very important to me and I hope I pass these on to my son.

I would hope dd would never want to take part in a beauty contest. Or become a nun.

stillstanding why is it awful?

I agree it kills me to think of the dcs not being close when they're grown up.

But then I think of mil and how it bugs me when she interferes and tries to get her dcs to be bosom buddies when they've got nothing in common. Ironically when they do talk it's usually about how annoying their mother is!

I too want mine to be kind and helpful to others. And happy.

Am terrified they get involved in drugs (esp as teens) and get into trouble as a result (any kind).

I also hope they don't move to Australia and I never see them. I can't imagine that! (Although ask me when they've all reached 18 and I might have changed my mind. )

I am also hoping that DD1 esp doesn't want to be "famous". A curse on the younger generation! I'm already having battles with her over that one and she's only 8!

Because OMDB, out of all the things that could happen to them, and the people they could turn into, that would be the most disappointing for you?

I'm fat, lazy and don't do any sport (not grinding any axes here btw) but I am part of a very close family and consider myself to be kind and fiercely loyal. I have a DH and a dd who I love with all my heart and do everything I can to give them the best possible family life. Of course weight is an issue and I'm sure you're going to come back at me with something about not caring about my dd when I die young etc...

But there are so many other things in life and that define you as a person other than size.

And also, there are many reasons for being overweight, some of them really can't be helped, and if they can be helped, acceptance and self-esteem is important starting point. Parental disapproval probably would not help.

But I suppose with many of these things, the disappointment isn't so bad in itself, it's if you let your DC know about it or put any pressure on them. My mum has put pressure on me to get on with my siblings and I can't bear it (she's an only and has a really rose-tinted view of siblings).

What about if they became drug dealers with excellent self-defence and negotiation skills, who displayed equal opp.s views to all-clients....?

Eyeball no no that wouldn't be the most disappointing thing to me! I already said what would be the most disappointing thing to me.

But I would feel disappointed if he was fat and lazy and did not sport. I wouldn't necessarily disapprove or make him feel bad about it, but I would be disappointed.

Not more disapointed than if he was a mewan, horrible, violent rude fascist man, obviously, but in the grand scheme of things I would still feel disappointed (unless of course there was a medical reason for it, rather than it just being sheer laziness). I want my DS to be an active healthy adult man. I don't think that is too much to ask really.

Disappointment in one's child is a truly awful emotion (particularly for the child) and imo something that a loving parent should only feel in rather extreme circumstances. While I also think that "sport and exercise and looking after your body" are good things they are definitely not so important as to engender disappointment in me.

I agree that laziness is not an attractive quality in a person and I certainly hope that my children are not. But I think perhaps that you and I are talking about a different kind of laziness here ... My kind would not be linked with weight or sportiness.

Some children just aren't sporty and that should never be a disappointment. Awful to suggest otherwise. Such children will have other strengths and the idea that their lack of ability to catch a ball would result in any negativity is appalling.

Similarly while I too hope that my children aren't fat that would mainly be for health reasons. Society is all too consumed with weight and aesthetics and I could never subscribe to the idea that my child being overweight warrants disappointment. If my child was overweight I would certainly try to do something about that but I wouldn't be disappointed in him and judge him. Instead I would hope that I would be supportive and encouraging. I would consider myself a failure as a parent if I did otherwise.

I agree with your post muffle.

Parental disaproval is very different from disappointment.

I just want my children to be good people.

I would be disappointed if they weren't happy with themselves. That they didn't feel capable of reaching their potential (cfb - feels she is talking about herself

Stillstanding I think we don't actually disagree here.

I would feel disappointed if DS where fat and lazy and did no excersise, but I would not direct that disappointment at him.

Obviously not all children are sporty, but physcial excersise is something everyone should do, regardless of how sporty they are.

DS is very active at the moment, if he gave all of that up when he gets so much enjoyment out of it now I would feel disappointment.

Perhaps I shouldn't have said 'sport', when what I mean is just being physically active. Everyone can be physcially active, evne if they can't catch a ball.

Being physcially active releases endorphines that help you feel happy. I would be disaapointed if DS didn't get this.

Fat lazy men who do no physical activity are not appealing to me, so I wouldn't want DS turing out like that.

Whn I say I would be disappointed, I see it as a mild feeling, not a strong one that would get in the way of my love or support for DS.

I think it is unrealistic to expect someone to be happy all the time.

I'd want DS to be content, not necessarily in a constant state of happiness, but content.

I will be disappointed if my dc don't try their hardest at everything they do.

We're currently having an ongoing situation with ds1 where he is getting poor reports from school because he is not trying to do his best. All teachers have agreed that he is bright but working well below potential. That, to me, is more saddening than anything else.

It doesn't matter to me what they choose to do with their lives- so long as they try their best.

I hope dd will go to a fancy uni as she is super brainy and a really hard worker. I will be disappointed if she ends dropping out of education and getting a mcjob. I believe in having high expectations for your dcs. I think that a bit of pressure is a good thing.