Things you never thought you would hear yourself say before having children...

[Bumperlicioso]

I was at the park on Saturday and there were two woman and their little boys playing together. One of the boys came up to his mum and I heard her say 'Don't worry darling, you can be the skunk...'

What did you never think you would hear yourself say?

"Is that pee coming through the kitchen ceiling?" (On holiday in a cottage with holes in some of the floorboards)

DS doing a poo - "I can't squeeze your hand I'm busy"

Where are mummy's knees?
Yes, there are mummy's knees!
Where are your knees?
Yes, there are your knees!
How many knees do you have?
Yes, two knees!
How many knees does mummy have?

Etc......

"daddy and mummy poo on the toilet, little boys poo on potties, only babies poo in nappies..."
(when establishing rules on playing round the back of the restaurant)
"you can go but don't go up the steps"...5 min later"
you can go but no steps, and don't play with the water" 5 min later
you can go but no steps, no water, and dont pick the flowers" 5 min later
you can go but no steps, no water, no flowers, and don't fight... etc etc

"dont play with the lights!!!"
"dont play with the doors!!!!"
"dont play with the remote controls"

and the one i thought id never use
"I'll tell daddy! wait til daddy gets home..."

"stop pushing the tortoise, she's not a car!" (as said DS goes 'broom broom')

"I'm not going to tell you again"
(what a bloody useless thing to say, I clearly am!)

This has made my afternoon, as I'm stuck in thehouse with a poorly child, who's too ill to do anything, but well enough to complain about EVERYTHING!

Think the poo comments just about covers it.

Why do I feel so proud to have made round-up?
Love the friendly ladybirds

Did the toilet seat hit you on the head before or after you did a wee?

While feeling guilty that I was trying not to laugh.

Just to add to the poo related ones - "Mr Poo, down the loo, yahoo" - after EVERY poo DS1 does in the toilet while we flush it!

Is that a horse poo or an elephant poo?

No idea - its the Mr that is important according to DS1...

No don't run (the dog)over (with wheelybug)
Yes that's his eye DON'T POKE it
Bye Bye Poo
Take that toast out of Daddy's shoe
No you can't have cake, you can have weetabix, it's breakfast
yes darling, it is an incy wincy spider

I never thought I would be questioned about everyone in my (whole) school photo. By the time I named everyone there were a lot of "Smiths"

The one phrase that sticks in my head more than any other is:

"Put everything that belongs in your pants back into your pants please"

DS had discovered his willy so was partially removing his undies to have a fiddle and at the same time was putting random small toys into his pants.

Yes, Captain Jack does love eating vegetables, especially peas

If you don't go to sleep then Father Christmas won't leave your presents

No, there is not a baby in my tummy, just my lunch

If you break that window we will have to pay to fix it and then there will be no money left over for any food or toys

DH : where are my keys?
me : in the bottom drawer of the fridge
DH : ok thanks

Babies are made from special magic (this makes me cringe, but they are too young for the truth, trust me)

don't point it's rude ...... (whispered) yes I know she has a funny face but don't point ...... because it is not nice ....... oooh shall we share some chocolate

Me - Did you drop your motorbike down the toilet before or after you did a wee?
DS - After
Me - Before or after you flushed the chain?
DS - Before
Me - give me the motorbike here so I can wash it
DS - Oh its okay, I wiped it on your towel
Me - well can you go and get my towel please
DS - Its dried, it happened yesterday morning

'I think Tombliboo un might be a boy?'

Oh, and last week when we were making Fathers day cards - 'No I dont know what Wax Crayons taste like'

Sweetie, take your banana out of Daddy's shoe please.

No darling, I don't think Uncle Steven wants to sleep in the bath.

Do you want chocolate chicken for tea? (She'll only eat chicken if I tell her it's chocolate cake for some reason )

do not pick your brother up by his head (at top of my voice)

if you don't put pants on your penis will get cold and fall off

point your penis DOWN

yes ds it's muscles chicken
and muscles sweetcorn
and yes it's muscles peas too

don't water grandad michael's shoes! No, they do not need to grow anymore.

If you're going to play with anyone's penis, play with your own! (mum with too many boys)

8am?! Ooh a lie-in!

8am?! Ooh a lie-in!

Feck

6am?! Ooh a lie-in!

"Am I the ONLY person in this house who ever picks anything up off the floor?"

"Don't climb on that. If you fall off you'll get blood everywhere and I don't have time to clean up now."

"The reason you shouldn't try to drown your brother is because you'll make him die."

"No, I've no wet wipes. It'll have to be a spit wash. Now come here...."