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Parenting

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Original poster

calling all parents of teenagers-wwyd?

41 replies

sleeplessinstretford · 27/04/2009 09:02

my dearest eldest daughter is 14 and a half,she goes to woodcraft and they were off on a camping trip this weekend-i was worried about it because it's a mixed group of teenagers and well,you know what they're like.
There were 3 rules before going-girls stay in their rooms and boys in theirs, everyone to do chores and everyone to join in-showed daughter this and she agreed to abide by the rules-with punishment being 'parents called/kids collected' if they were broken.
We thought we should make a point about booze/fags before she went so i said that the organiser had called me to ask permission to search bags and that i had given my consent to this-therefore if she had anything she shouldn't have she should ditch it before leaving.
She's ordinarily a good kid-saturday morning i get a phone call from the organiser to say that my darling daughter was found in the boys room-they weren't doing anything and it was her and one other girl caught in there talking. I went mental down the phone at the child and said that's it-grounded FOREVER.
anyway,she rings me and says the reason that she was in the boys room is that the 2 other kids in her room had puked all over ther place (after drinking a bottle of gin between them) and crashed out-my daughter hadn't been drinking but did have all her clothes puked all over- what punishment would you give for the rule breaking (despite the fact we can see it's justified) she's got exams next month and so grounding is a bit of a shit one as she's not allowed out now until after then?
sorry it's long but we're not sure what to do with this one...

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solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 27/04/2009 09:07

No punishment at all. Her behaviour was justified so she doesn;t need to be punished. Only stupid peope are obsessed with rules and obedience to the extent that they insist on punishment for perfectly reasonable behaviour.

brimfull · 27/04/2009 09:07

Tbh I would probably not punish that.
No harm was done except her breaking the rule..but she wasn't doing anything really wrong in the grand scheme of thins was she?
Be thankful she wasn't the one puking up.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 27/04/2009 09:08

I would stick with the grounding (for a couple of weeks)and make a very large point that she should have woken the leaders up as it was so dangerous to have crashed out kids on alcohol in the tent.

I would reinforce the point that something could have happened to them (like choked on vomit) and that she should be responsible enough to tell. I would say she is being grounded for not being responsible and for not just breaking the rules.

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greatwhiteshark · 27/04/2009 09:08

Sorry, not a parent of teens, but have been a teen!

I wouldn't punish. What do you want the punishment to acheive? I'm sure you know, as someone else who's been a teen, that it won't work - teens break rules! I'm just thinking, rather than punishing it would be better to say that it's not on to break rules, that they're there for a reason, that you're not happy and neither were the organisers. I don't blame her not wanting to be in a puke smelling room - surely rules can be broken in some circumstances?

Uriel · 27/04/2009 09:09

Actually I don't think I'd be too fazed by this. She didn't drink and she was only 'caught' talking.

Shame the organiser couldn't 'catch' the other two drinking.

Original poster

sleeplessinstretford · 27/04/2009 09:12

i know all this-but i showed her the rules and we agreed them before she went. i am not sure if 'having all your gear puked on' is not punishment enough for her though bokes up a kidney at the memory of unloading her rucksack
when i spoke to her with the organiser she was sniffing and remorseful-she then left the organiser and went somewhere privately to tell me what had happened (so at least she didn't grass on her mates) she has a reasonably well defined sense of right and wrong and was pissed off to be punished-but then could see that she was in the wrong.
I personally was going to keep the grounding/revision time up but she's asked for money to go to see a gig with her mates in august...this is the clincher-do i stump up for the ticket (she'll pay me back when her spends go into her account)

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malovitt · 27/04/2009 09:13

I wouldn't punish either.

However, I would explain how people can choke on their own vomit and die whilst that drunk and impress upon her the need to fetch an adult if she is ever faced with a similar situation.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 27/04/2009 09:14

I would definitely pay for the ticket - August is months away. Shouldn't have effect on any punishment now.

greatwhiteshark · 27/04/2009 09:15

Sorry but I think you're being way too harsh! The rules of this country are 'don't kill people' but what do you do when someone's trying to kill you? You agreed the rules, you get put in prison for life, yes? Come on! Choice was 'sleep in pukey room which is unpleasant and a health hazard', 'grass everyone up to organisers' or 'go in the other tent'. Seriously, which would you have done? She made a very rational choice and it's just bad luck that the most likely option happened to be against the rules. She ought to have got an adult, but I really, really, really think that punishment is inappropriate and pointless and mean.

boredwithmyoldname · 27/04/2009 09:16

No I wouldn't punish. Sounds like you have a pretty good relationship and she is quite trustworthy. The ticket thing would look vindictive.

lou33 · 27/04/2009 09:16

i wouldnt punish her either

i'd probably be asking if the teen who got drunk and threw up over her clothes was going to be though

GrinnyPig · 27/04/2009 09:19

I wouldn't punish either. I do think you should encourage her to tell an adult if a similar thing happens again. I don't think it's 'grassing up a mate' to do that - it's common sense. a bottle of gin between two 14 year olds could be a dangerous amount of alcohol.

purepurple · 27/04/2009 09:22

I wouldn't punish her and would buy her the ticket and be grateful she wasn't the one drinking gin and puking everywhere

i think the organiser needs a kick up the arse

they are so hooked up in thinking about under age sex that they completely miss the drinking and puking?
I would write a letter of complaint, ffs, they could have died.

Original poster

sleeplessinstretford · 27/04/2009 09:27

the morning after when the leader was calling me she could've said that the girls were the reason she left her room (it was a camping barn not a tent)
the kids who were sick are the daughters of two of my friends who were both doing the marathon yesterday-i am not sure whether to mention what happened on friday as it might look like sour grapes (my kid gets punished-theirs don't)I also know that the mother of one of them is bloody jungle drums central-it'll be all over south manchester that mine was in the boys room and sophie and ella were asleep in bed...
I don't know,it's so hard isn't it? I'd probably want to know if my kid was unconscious through drink i think...
this teenage bit is really making me que

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Original poster

sleeplessinstretford · 27/04/2009 09:29

sorry,question a lot of things.
I've always said i'll never get involved with kids arguements and will stay out of how my friends deal with their teenagers (ie what i think is ok for mine today they might not and vice versa) however this one is a serious issue-i just am not sure whether i should speak to the kids involved (i've known them since they were born they are part of my antenatal group from 15 years ago)

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purepurple · 27/04/2009 09:33

I don't think speaking to other people's teenagers does any good. IME they don't listen to their parents half the time, why would they listen to you.
As a mother i would want to know that my daughter had got herself in a state like that.
So, however hard, I do think you need to speak to the parents and put them straight.

AMumInScotland · 27/04/2009 09:37

I'd probably congratulate ds (15) on making a sensible choice, but stress that it would have been even better to get an adult involved, since the drunks were in danger.

I'd also tell the other parents, assuming I knew them, as they ought to be giving their girls a serious talking to about the dangers of getting that drunk.

I'd also buy the concert ticket, and say the "getting puked on" was punishment enough.

Original poster

sleeplessinstretford · 27/04/2009 09:39

cheers girls-just when you think you've got stuff sorted you get a curve ball....just wanted to check i am not being too harsh/too soft etc etc

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purpleduck · 27/04/2009 09:49

I wouldn't punish.

She is at an age where she is going to be involved in this sort of thing alot, and if you punish her, it sends a clear message that YOU should not be told. Looking at the bigger picture - don't you want her to be able to tell you?

I would also have discussions about how dangerous having that much alcohol can be. The loss of control/awareness, choking, alcohol poisoning....Her friends put her in a terrible situation. THEY were being dumbasses (but yes, normal). Your daughter wanted to "be a good friend" but in the meantime, they could have been harmed by all that alcohol.

So, no to punishment - I do think she has been punished enough.

And I would talk to their mothers, or the girls involved - they put themselves at risk.

ladette · 27/04/2009 10:20

Your DD broke a rule, and rules are there for a reason. But in the grand scheme of things, I agree with those who said it would have been worse if she'd been one of the drunk ones, so a relatively minor offence. How about turning it round and telling her you will pay for her concert ticket and will not ground her BUT she has to make up for the fact that she broke a rule by showing you how responsible she is (perhaps getting on with revision/doing more jobs around the house/squeaky clean behaviour) - kind of a "suspended sentence"???
As for telling the other Mums, it's a difficult one. I'd want to know if my teenagers had been involved in a drinking til sick episode. However, some parents would think it's ok and what you do a trip (I DON'T think like that, but believe me I know other parents who do....)Perhaps say to the other mums that you'd heard a couple of children got really drunk and that you'd had strong words with your DD about the dangers of drink, without necessarily telling them their DDs were involved? Not sure really, a tricky one, but I would definitely have a word with the organisers.

Ivykaty44 · 27/04/2009 10:30

You set down all the rules before the weekend - what rules did you set down for when your dd was puked all over, did you set all this down as to what exactly your dd was to do if two girls got drunk and puked on all her clothes?

If you did set down the rules for this event - what were they?

Seems to me your dd has been puked all over, two drunk girls where left in a room alone and your dd went of to the boys room where there was peace and tranquility away from the drunks. Hardly the end of the world and thankfully it wasn't your dd drunk and puking all over people...

I would reward her for not being so blardy stupid with booze

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 27/04/2009 13:03

Please remember that what your DD did was a really trivial thing (as well as a justifiable one). She has not been shoplifting, joyriding, taking drugs or assaulting anyone else. Punishment is entirely inappropriate and will just give her the impression that adults are narro-wminded and spiteful and unfair.

Original poster

sleeplessinstretford · 27/04/2009 14:30

scratch all this sympathetic gubbins-i've just been on facebook and she appears to be wearing half my bloody wardrobe inc posh shoes-to bloody camp in-if any of my stuff has puke on it she's bleeding dead...no wonder she offered to do her own sodding washing when she got back...

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Biscuits4Cheese · 27/04/2009 14:38

Would seriously question dd's version. Surely the leaders would have found the passed out/ vomitty kids? So they would have known and no reason for your dd to only tell you in private? I'd say there's a big chance she's spinning you a yarn. She broke the rule, got caught but amazingily had an excuse that makes her look rather better then her pals. Thats just the sort of thing i would have said
Therefore i would disregard the excuse and punish the rule breaking, but not much, not that massive a deal.

Original poster

sleeplessinstretford · 27/04/2009 14:43

i have seriously questioned dd's version-i personally would've lied my arse off if it'd been me but on this occasion i think she may be telling the truth (she knows that drinking to the point of passing out is a no no)
when i spoke to/apologised to the leaders they said it'd been a steep learning curve for them as they'd never taken a group that old away before-they did say the behaviour had got progressively worse over the weekend with a group of them caught drinking on the saturday night- i asked if mine had been amongst the drinkers and they said she hadn't been,on any night. I am reasonably sure she doesn't drink (yet)and when she does i'll nab her for it as i've got a nose like a shit house rat...

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