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Original poster

"is that a man or a lady?" - how to deal with inappropriate comments and Qs

34 replies

SybilFaulty · 16/02/2009 15:04

Hello

My DD1 (aged 3.10) has just started to ask me questions and make comments on people's appearance etc. She did the man / lady one in the post office to some poor transexual chap and asked my cleaner on Friday why she had a fat tummy and a brown tooth . The man and the cleaner were very kind and seemed to take it all in their stride, but I was horrified.

I have said to DD that it is not kind to ask questions or make comments on what someone looks like, but what else can / should I do? I am worried that she will really offend or upset someone.

Many thanks

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KingCanuteIAm · 16/02/2009 15:10

Most people take questions well if they know that something is likely to be commented on (ie a brown tooth) wobbly tummy comments are normal so are "why is that man so FAT" etc. Just explain (when one of these happens) that it is polite to wait until the person has gone and then ask mummy quietly about things like that so that no-one gets their feelings hurt.

It is the only way children learn about differences and it gives you an opportunity to have conversations about colours of skin, religious clothing, disability and various other matters that your child will come across as she goes through life which may seem unusual to her if they are the first time she has seen them. Use each situation as a learning opportunity and encourage thoughtful behaviour and you can't go too far wrong IMO!

WowOoo · 16/02/2009 15:13

Think other people are usually forgiving when it's a child that says it.

A friend of mine is very masculine looking and my son always refers to her as him. She always laughs it off adn says 'Well, I do like like a bloke', luckily.

Tell her to whisper her comments or speak quietly/ away from people.

Last classic was 'that lady has a really big bum'. She didn't hear thank God, or I would have died!!

muggglewump · 16/02/2009 15:19

Don't do what I once did.

In a shop, I'd given DD the money to pay.
Me: Give the lady the money
Me: Erm the man
Meagain) No, the lady I mean
DD: is it a man or a lady?
Me: That's rude DD, give the shopkeeper the money
DD: Muuuuum, why are you being weird?

I quickly took the money off her, paid and we left.

I've never felt so bad

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Original poster
SybilFaulty · 16/02/2009 15:32

Thanks. I have told her to ask me questions about how people look in private, but so far this has fallen on deaf ears.

OP posts:
singyswife · 16/02/2009 15:35

Nothing like this but my dd (8 tomorrow) asked me in the car with my mum today why women have periods and what are they for. I couldnt answer quick enough so my mum answered for me.

Stretch · 16/02/2009 15:46

Last year, DD2 (nearly 3) dislocated her toe and we had to take her to hospital. I was 3 weeks off of my due date with DS. Waiting for the x-ray cue Dd2 in a very loud voice, "Oooh mummy, that lady is pregnant too!" Needless to say the lady wasn't pregnant, just very big

DH just put his head in his hands and snorted with laughter. It was left up to me to do the red-faced I'm so sorry ramble!

I once asked my mum why a man had a silly hat on, he was a rasta! He wasn't pleased though!

floradora · 16/02/2009 15:46

Not my DC but a little cherub once loudly said of a colleague (in her hearing) -" Mummy why is that lady growing a moustache?"

singyswife · 16/02/2009 15:47

My next door neighbours son once asked on a bus when a chinese man got on "mummy is that one of they people who gave you food poisoning".

Oh the horror.

Original poster
SybilFaulty · 16/02/2009 19:45

Thanks very much - how do you prevent this happening though? I realise you can't prevent it entirely but my gentle chat with DD does not seem to have worked.

All suggestions gratefully received.

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 17/02/2009 10:00

Persistance, it only has an effect if you do it when it happens really. You had the gentle chat, now you need to back itup, each time she does it just say "now dd we talked about this, I will answer your question later because I want to be polite". The only answer is repetition, there is no quick fix to this one!

Littlefish · 17/02/2009 10:04

My mum told me that when I was about 3 I said in a very loud voice...

"Shall we talk about that big fat lady when we get home".

The talk had obviously sunk in with me.... sort of.

babyphat · 17/02/2009 11:28

PMSL at littlefish! i once asked my mum loudly if a man had a baby growing in his tummy sorry no advice, just taking note for the future!

BitOfFun · 17/02/2009 11:34

Littlefish, that's a cracker! Just shows you can't win...

Littlefish · 17/02/2009 13:25

It's obviously in the genes, because dd keeps asking in a very loud voice whether someone is a man or a lady. In fact, she did it today to a poor girl who served us in the garden centre. When I said quietly that it was a lady, dd said in a horrified voice "but where's her lipstick"! Dd is obviously at that very girlie stage of development

KingCanuteIAm · 17/02/2009 13:40

She sounds adorable! (just do't let her near me, I have no lipstick and a moustache )

Homebird8 · 17/02/2009 13:48

My friend's DS asked the checkout lady at the supermarket whether she had a "tinkle" or a "twinkle". Luckily the lady was happy to converse on the subject.

Littlefish · 17/02/2009 13:54
Grin
beanieb · 17/02/2009 14:05

you really should have said 'it's a lady' if she was a male to female transexual.

PortofinoLovesItUpTheOxoTower · 17/02/2009 14:06

When i was small I apparently answered the door, and came running shouting loudly "It's a man who looks like a monkey!"

There was a small battle over who got to go see to the Insurance Man.

cheesesarnie · 17/02/2009 14:06

were getting the 'thats a boy-boys have willies' comments atm.

awww children.

smellyeli · 17/02/2009 14:09

I would say - don't do anything about it at all!

Write them all down in a notebook for when they are too big to speak at all, and merely grunt, particularly at strangers......

steviesgirl · 17/02/2009 23:00

Apparently my mother was on the bus with my brother when he was about 3 way back in the 60's; and they were sitting directly behind a male Sikh, when my brother boldly asked "Mummy why has that man got a bandage on his head"? My mum said it was so embarrassing, she just wanted the earth to eat her up.

Thankfully the man didn't bat an eyelid, but then most people don't if it's only a child, people generally understand.

wrinklytum · 17/02/2009 23:08

Ithink the best thing is to be as honest as possible.I was on the bus with ds once and he asked why an amputee had only one arm.I said "Because he got very poorly and the doctors had to take that bit of his arm off so he could be better".The bloke was sat behind me on the bus and we struck up a conversation and the lovely guy said to me "Thanks for being honest,a lot of people just shush their children".Conversely dd has SN and cannot walk very well or talk very well,and I was on a bus recently and a little boy opposite said "Whats wrong with her? Why has she got those things on her legs? sO i explained in simple terms about dd.His mum looked embarrassed but I would much rather someone asked TBH.Children are naturally curious

Original poster
SybilFaulty · 17/02/2009 23:27

Thanks very much - I try to answer all her Qs honestly and where possible discreetly but it's a challenge at times

Thanks again.

OP posts:
edam · 17/02/2009 23:33

Took ds to see my mother when he was about 2. He hadn't seen her for some time. Waited until the room was all quiet before striding over to stand in front of her, took a big deep breath and asked 'Grandmother, why are you so big and round?'

I did NOT know where to put myself!