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Parenting

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Original poster

Would you leave your toddler for two weeks?

106 replies

pirin · 11/02/2009 14:19

I am travelling in march for two weeks without my son who is only 20 months old. He will be staying with his father and his grandmother will be with him during day time. I am sure he will be very well taken care of.

But I still don't want to leave him. You see, I've grown very fond of him in the past 20 months and we are a team, we do everything together. I know I am being a total wuss but I can't help it.

Did you leave your babies before? how was it? a total disaster or a guilty pleasure?

OP posts:

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Blondeshavemorefun · 15/02/2009 18:12

very true boysarelikezombies - i said the same in my post, no one would query a man, nor would he query about leaving his family for 2 weeks

yes often the mum is the main carer, but most children have 2 parents and therefore can share responsibilies!!!

pippy - very true - yes you will miss your child, but it will be good for the OP career and prob good for her to be away from her child, and good for the dad to take a role in his childcare

2weeks is a long time,as the 1st time, but the main thing is that the child will be looked after by his caring other parent, ie dad and also GP

bronze · 15/02/2009 18:16

I couldn't unless it was completely necessary.
I was in hospital for a month prior to dd being born and ds2 was 19-20 mths and I found it hell. Hes a mummy boy though. On the other hand if he was closer to my dh (and my dh wasnt quite so useless at nappies etc) I might not struggle so much with the idea. I will be leaving my dd (2) and the other two for a week soon with no qualms

kittywise · 16/02/2009 11:46

I disagree with posters who say that the children wouldn't miss you and wouldn't mind.
A baby/toddler cannot express these emotions, and I suspect that people who say that the child won't mind are projecting their own wishes on to the situation. They might be happy enough with dad/grandma etc and it will give them a chance to develop a relationship with these people but they will mind the fact you are not there.

Of course they would, you're a mum and they are used to being with you.

That is not to say that you shouldn't go, but your ds will feel your absence as does any child whose mother goes away for however short a time.

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Original poster

pirin · 22/02/2009 17:46

thank you for all your replies, it helped me a lot. My husband stepped up and they are joining me the second week.

and dear imum-i was just trying to be witty so no need to be .

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/02/2009 10:00

glad dh can come for 2nd week

that makes it easier for you (and your child)

FimbleHobbs · 23/02/2009 11:17

I have left mine for a few nights at a time for work - they are fine without me and I am fine without them - I do miss them though. The novelty of clean bed, clean bathroom, clean towels, all at the same time is quite a treat. Though by the last day I find myself switching over from my pretend 'serious business woman watching BBC News' back into 'disorganised mum watching Peppa Pig' and feel a bit lost without them.

I fine when I get home, DS won't speak to me much for the first day, whereas DD turns into a limpet - so it does affect them. But they are great kids on the whole (she says, posting from her office while they are at preschool)

MmeLindt · 23/02/2009 11:23

Glad to hear that you and your DH have sorted something out that you only have to leave your DC for one week.

I have left our DC for 5 days but I would struggle with 2 weeks. They do have a ball with my parents though so I don't feel bad about leaving them.

After the last holiday, I told DS that he was not allowed to so something and he said that he would just ask Granny then as she lets him do whatever he wants.

Gateau · 23/02/2009 11:45

Glad you have sorted something you are happy with (I hope), OP.
I haven't left DS (22 months) with anyone overnight and don't intend to either, as I simply don't want to. Where DH and I go, he goes. We don't yearn for that 'time away' from him. We wouldn't have had him otherwise.
If I REALLY had to for work, I would leave him for one night with DH, but one night only. But I hope I will never have to do that.

mitfordsisters · 23/02/2009 14:00

I find it a bit that so many posters have said things like, they won't miss you, won't even notice you're gone etc. I think it is rubbish and agree with kittywise that they can't communicate so it's easy to say whatever makes you feel better.

If they are left with a loving relative or carer they are attached to, then fine. But especially kids between 1 and 3 need continuity of care, and research shows that even short stays away from the carer or carers they are used to can be awfully distressing for babies and have long range consequences. If you are interested in the research about this, read Theories of Attachment by Robert Karen.

MrsMattie · 23/02/2009 14:10

I left my 2 yr old with my mum for 8 days while we went on honeymoon (also left him with for 5 days when he was 4 mths old so I could have break as had raging PND). Me and DH have been away for the weekend without him loads (left with my mum) and I have 'left' him with DH for the odd night or two a fair amount, too. I benefited form the break massively each time and he had a whale of a time with granny. Why is it only mums that are made to feel guilty about leaving their small children for a bit?

I find it really sad that people judge others based on their own experiences. I would never say that a mum who missed her child desperately after just a few hours should leave that child to go on holiday (or if the child missed their mum terribly). but if both parties are happy - what is the problem?

To the OP, I would say: think about it carefully. Two weeks is long tme and if you are already having doubts, maybe you shouldn't go...?

Gateau · 23/02/2009 14:12

"Why is it only mums that are made to feel guilty about leaving their small children for a bit?"

MrsMattie, who's making you feel guilty?

MrsMattie · 23/02/2009 15:59

I don't and have never felt in the slightest bit guilty about having a time away from my kids. What I meant was, I rarely if ever hear dad's who have to work away or get the chance of a weekend away with friends, say, deliberating about whether or not they should do it.

Gateau · 23/02/2009 16:07

Good for you; enjoy your breaks.If you're confident in your decision, then all's well and good.

MrsMattie · 23/02/2009 16:23

Thanks, Gateau (I think)

I thought your comment:

'We don't yearn for that 'time away' from him. We wouldn't have had him otherwise'...

...was unnecessarily snipey.

But hey ho...glad for you that you never feel the need for a break.

Gateau · 24/02/2009 08:39

I was not being snipey, MrsMattie. OP asked an AIBU question and I answered it and said how DH and I feel.
You seem a bit sensitive about the whole thing, TBH.
I hear loads of parents saying how they would just love a weekend away from their DC. Fair enough, if that's what they want. We just don't: simple.We love having him with us wherever we go.
Plenty of time for breaks when he's a teenager and doesn't want to go anywhere with us, IMO.

MrsMattie · 24/02/2009 08:53

I'm not sensitive. I'm just not a new mum and long ago lost my PFB tendencies and came to terms with how I want to parent ....and personally I think it's healthy to have some time to yourself now and then...but, hey, each to their own. I hope the OP does what's best for her and her baby.

Bubbaluv · 24/02/2009 09:22

Right now I would love 2 weeks away from DS 18m (if I knew that DH and Granny were going to be taking care of him). If I could also leave them with my enormous pregnant belly for a couple of weeks that would be even better!
I have no doubt I would miss him terribly (not the belly though) but ahhhhh, the freedom would be such a welcome release!
At the end of the day, your DS might miss you a bit, but he won't remember it a few days after you get home.

Guadalupe · 24/02/2009 09:31

I left ds1 for 3 and a 1/2 weeks to go to Thailand when he was 2 1/2. I was young and more selfish and had the urge to go away so I did. He was with his dad and before I left I was really defensive about negative comments from people. I couldn't see why it was a big deal when I would be leaving him with his father, not Mrs Wotsit.

It was really really hard though and I would never do it again for that long. In fact I have only left ds2 for two days when I was in hospital.

Guadalupe · 24/02/2009 09:33

I'm not saying anyone wanting a break is selfish, but my choice of holiday then and for that length of time was IMO.

MrsMattie · 24/02/2009 09:39

I think it is different at different stages of your life and with different children@ Guadaloupe.

I couldn't leave my DD for more than a night at the moment (she is 3 mths old). I know lots of people wouldn't even consider leaving a baby of that age at all. I was quite overwhelmed after I had DS and would happily have left him for a week or so at that stage. I think the fact that I find parenthood second time around so much easier and more pleasurable means I am less likely to want to leave them - maybe because I am enjoying it more? I'd still go away for a night, though, especially if there was a long sleep and a massage and some hot sex with DH involved ...

Lemontart · 24/02/2009 09:40

DH and I both gave up our careers in order to work and be at home fulltime so possibly not a helpful viewpoint. We centre out working, social, friendship and family world all around our kids. However, this model does not work for all.

My DH had a childhood where his parents were often working away from home for long periods and left with grandparents or one parent at a time (talking months though not weeks). Also my parents were both sent to boarding schools and I know how much that affected them and made them vow never to "send us away" and never had holidays without us. I think both those sets of experiences from different generations and perspectives has coloured our approach to parenting. We have time off and away, our own interests and activities, just never spend longer than 1 night away from home and fortunate not to be in the position where we had no choice but to do that. Changed our careers to guarantee it. Less money but our choice in family lifestyle. I am not judgemental about this, though, and recognise that what works for us is possibly a nightmare scenario for many!

What you choose is up to you. It will not be easy for you to be apart but if it is the right thing for you and your family, then perhaps worth it. Your mil and DH are likely to have a lovely time too! If it is for two weeks, is there any way of travelling home for the middle weekend? or DH travelling to you and enjoying a mini break wherever you are? Whatever you decide, good luck. Not easy making these types of decisions x

Guadalupe · 24/02/2009 09:45

Well, yes, ds2 is 2 now and I am hoping to have my wedding anniversary alone. He has come with us the last two years.

I was 20 when I had ds1 (he 's 11 now) and I used to go all over the country with him visiting friends at university. Their tales of lengthy trips and treks sounded very exciting so off I went on a mini travel.

wishingchair · 24/02/2009 14:09

I recently had to go and leave my 2 DCs (2 and 5) with DH (my parents stayed too) for 9 days. It was hard, but we survived. I work for a company based in the US. I have minimal travel now and a very understanding boss but this was a trip I had to make if I didn't want to do some serious damage to my career (which is very important I keep for reasons I won't go into here). This is life; sometimes you have to flex and go with it.

free2drm · 29/04/2012 22:29

I am taking care of my nephew for two weeks because Mommy and Daddy want to climb a mountain in Peru. Mommy is never home with her baby. She travels for business three-four days a week. And when she is home, she is in her office. Daddy does whatever mommy says because he hasn't grown a set. This little boy is 2. He is precious and bounced from daycare to relatives to me while mommy pursues her ambitions. It breaks my heart. There are no ifs-ands-or-buts about it, if you leave your child for two weeks for pleasure, you are indeed a shit*y mother. If a woman wants to work, she should have the opportunity, however your job should NEVER come before your child. And if you are gone from your child 3-4 days a week on a persistent basis, then you put yourself first and are a bad bad BAD mother. Find a job where you can spend time with your child. If you cannot do this, perhaps you should not have had children. Good mothers don't leave there children for pleasure, and id they have to do it for work, they should look for another job

tintoytarantula · 30/04/2012 00:42

free2drm - seriously, you don't see a difference between a parent who is continually absent from their child's life and one who occasionally leaves them for business trips or to take a well-earned break? Think what you like about your nephew's parents, but don't generalise that all absences are therefore neglectful! My daughter has just turned two and while I don't ever have business trips to go on, at this point I would rather like to spend, say, a week or two visiting friends while my husband looks after her - not a stranger or someone she wasn't strongly attached to, but her own daddy. Or if a client gave me the opportunity, I would certainly go away for a short while in order to further my career. Sure I'd miss her, sure I'd make sure to explain where I was going to be and contact her regularly while I was away, but I would not be a shitty mother for going.

Sometimes you have to put yourself first, because guess what? It's difficult to be a good mother when you're burnt out. Breaks are necessary. I adore my daughter and yet when I do leave her for pleasure, I try hard to leave with a light heart and make the most of it because that is what fuels me through the hard days of terrible twos. That's what makes me be the good, patient, fun mother she needs, rather than a stressball hiding behind a laptop and hanging onto my temper by a thread.

In January my husband spent a week abroad for work while I looked after DD. Is he a bad father?

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