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Original poster

Mums who are Adopted

30 replies

hsanders · 05/04/2005 21:44

Hi there,

Just curious as I am adopted and am feeling very emotional at the fact that my nine week old DS is my only blood relative I know, who I can touch and kiss...and look at and think 'he has my eyes or my lips!'

Just wondered if other Mums who are adopted have had these feelings?

When people say my DS has amazingly blue eyes, it makes my well up [even if it's someone in the street or supermarket!] I feel like I could break down sometimes.

Would love to hear from other Mums in the same situation.

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Yorkiegirl · 05/04/2005 21:47

Message withdrawn

wilfulwife · 05/04/2005 21:59

I'm in the same position as you,it means so much to me that my son looks like me(although has also inherited my firey temper too!!!).As he gets older i'm now finding it amazing that i can read him so well,know how he feels in certain situations as he is so like me,i feel that no-one has ever been able to do that with me and this connection with my son is so precious.

Original poster

hsanders · 05/04/2005 21:59

Thanks Yorkiegirl - certainly interested in your story - it's reassuring other Mums know how this feels

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Original poster

hsanders · 05/04/2005 22:01

Wilfulwife - nice to hear from you - did it upset you initially or maybe upset is not the right word? I just feel like crying everytime sometimes mentions me looking like my DS. I am sure that this will dissipate over time!

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sallycinnamon · 05/04/2005 22:29

My DH is adopted and he felt exactly like you. DD means everything to him and as she doesn't look particularly like either of us it has made him wonder about any relatives he may have. He had always been very critical of his birth mother and had lots of negative thoughts about her along the lines of 'how could she give me away'. After dd was born his attitude changed dramatically and he realised what a massively brave decision she had made. Without being soppy I think he felt at peace with his situation.

Original poster

hsanders · 05/04/2005 22:39

Glad your DH is feeling better about his adoption - my sister, who is also adopted from a different birth family, is very bitter towards her birth mother. Perhaps she'll feel differently, muhc like your DH.

I have had contact with my natural mother and to say she still has issues about giving me up at 6 weeks when she was aged 15 is an understatement. Sadly we are not in contact anymore.

OP posts:

sallycinnamon · 05/04/2005 22:42

Congrats on your new baby!

gingerbear · 05/04/2005 22:45

I am also adopted. When I was pregnant with DD I had a huge urge to trace my birth mum. I felt a connection with her, wondering what on earth had she been through to give me up for adoption. I talked it over with mum and dad. Mum told me something that she never did before. On my birthday each year she says a prayer for my birth mum, and tells God to let her know how I am, that I am well and have a good life. It touched me so much that mum could think of her in this way. Now I have a lovely 2 yr old DD, who looks like me we have the same sense of humour, I so wish that she could know her 'other gran'.

gingerbear · 05/04/2005 22:48

meant to add, that I have still not made contact, I know her name, where she came from & that she was single and 23 when I was born. She also went a long way from home to give birth in a nusing home.

Original poster

hsanders · 05/04/2005 22:55

Gingerbear - I understand where you are at right now - I had my birth mother's name, which town she lived in and some other facts which made it quite easy to find her. Initially that was enough information. Then about four years after having that information, I then needed to know more and so found her [on the internet of all places!] However, I was way too impulsive and should have used an intermediary like NORCAP or the Catholic Children's Society to contact her on my behalf - instead I had her phone number and rang her! Bit stupid and selfish of me, I know.

OP posts:

Moomin · 05/04/2005 23:09

I know how you feel hsanders. I was adopted at 8 weeks and my parents were always very honest about where I came from and who my birth mother was (from the info they had from the agency). My mum alwasy said that when the time was right she'd help me trace my birth mother if i ever wanted to. However when i was 9 my mum died in an accident and after that I was alwasy very fiercely protective about my adopted parents and didn't really want to find anything else out about my birth mother.

Having dd changed that - I very ,uch relate to what's been said here about being able to connect with the birth mother when you are pregnant yourself. When dd was 6m old I went through social service to find out a bit more about my birth mother. I got some more info but then stopped again. I'm not sure if I actually do want to ever meet her but I'm fairly sure I'd like to send her a letter telling her about myself: that I'm happy and I have a family, etc. My dad always used to say on my birthday 'I bet [her name] is thinking of you today' and I always think that too. I'm pg with no.2 now and it's all come to the surface again recently so I'd be interested to hear about yours and others' experiences.

hsanders - what was the outcome of your phone call?

Christie · 05/04/2005 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moomin · 05/04/2005 23:22

agree about attitudes, Christie - I found out that my birth mother was at uni when she got pg with me. Her family were farmers and were fiercely proud of their daughter studying for a degree. She was sent to a family friend's for her 'confinement' and the birth and the family were very ashamed. They kept it a secret from her younger sister. I often wonder if this might indicate that she never told anyone else about it, esp if she got married later and had her own family. Maybe she was made to feeel so ashamed that it would be awful for her if I got in touch. I would totally understand if she refused any contact at all - that's why I'd prefer a letter in a lot of ways.
Our poor birth mothers

Original poster

hsanders · 05/04/2005 23:24

Hi Moomin - the outcome was incredible at first. Very positive and we spoke on the phone plenty of times - she had the same voice as me - in fact, she once left a voicemail and my DH thought it was me! Never read anywhere about voices being genetically the same!

So we talked on the phone lots and emailed and shared photos. Easy to do for a while as I am in England and she's in the USA - so very safe in terms of I cannot simply turn up on her doorstep and hers at mine.

However this all changed when I did move to the USA and was living 4 hours from her by car. She organised for her, her Mum and her partner to 'drop by'. Organised in that she bought flights for her Mum and then told me she was coming at the weekend. However due to 9/11, my husband and I had lost our jobs and were due to fly home the Monday after the weekend she had decided to pay a visit. Because she had organised this trip without asking me, I felt totally unprepared psychologically. I just was not ready. So I told her I could not meet her and since then, she has never forgiven me. Our relationship has been strained since.

We are very different people in the sense that I am proud of being adopted, I adore my parents and my brother and sister - both of whom are also adopted. However she is still hurting in a big way and quite often, when we did talk on the phone, I felt like her therapist. I feel for her even more now that I have a son. When he reached six weeks [only 3 weeks ago], I did have a good cry for her. I hate to think how she felt giving me up.

OP posts:

Blossomhill · 05/04/2005 23:27

Just wanted to tell u my story really. Before I was born my mum had a baby that she had adopted (for many painful reasons )
Anyway 3 years ago my big sister got in contact after spening 15 years trying to find us.
She is so like me it's untrue. Even our hands are the same!!!! She said the same about not having any blood relatives until having her dd and obviously since finding us.
I want to say how positive our experience has been, we are very close. I love her very much and couldn't imagine life without her now, she's a very special friend and we share a unique bond.
I talk or text her everyday and should be seeing her soon, hopefully.
Hope u don't mind me sharing this with you all!

gingerbear · 05/04/2005 23:29

hsanders, that is so sad. I hope you manage to reconcile with her. You are right, it is such a big step to actually meet her.

Moomin · 05/04/2005 23:30

How awful. I totally understand what you say about not being mentally prepared to meet her. I think I'd go so far as to email/talk on the phone and excahnge photos but meeting in the flesh is a mile ahead of that and is very scary. I have this fear, which sounds selfish, but I'm sure you'll relate to, that she'll be needy in some way or that she'll ask something emotionally of me, something that I couldn't give. I, like you, am so proud of my adopted family and so secure in how I feel with them (my dad and I are particularly close) that I don't feel prepared to let anyone else in who would want even a fraction of that emotional/physical bond. I've formed a picture from what's been found out about what she'd be like, and I like to think she'd be quite pragmatic like me but you never know!

milge · 06/04/2005 00:44

I can totally relate to the feelings expressed, i still can't believe that i have blood relatives. The birth of my kids prompted me to access my adoption records and i now know my natural mothers name, and my birth name. I am too nervous of my bm being emotionally needy to enable me to contact her. I also feel it would be betraying my parents, almost throwing their love back in their face. They are both elderly and disabled, and my bm was 16 when she had me, so maybe there will be time after my parents have died. Am also v wary of introducing my children into this emotional mine field, and would hesitate to tell my bm about them. Glad there are others out there feeling the same.

Jayzmummy · 06/04/2005 00:53

Can I ask a question please???? I have two boys who are biological siblings. We adopted ds1 when he was 18 months old and ds2 came along a year later. Birth mom has had 2 further children but die to social services "forgetting" that we had adopted the older boys they place the other children with another family. I so wanted the children to be together so they could be a real family.
My question is to those who have adopted brothers or sisters who are not biologically true siblings.

Does the fact that you are not genetically connected make a difference????

Dh and I are considering adopting a third child and we are worried that because ds1 and2 are true siblings the third child may feel different.

Any opinions?????

Original poster

hsanders · 06/04/2005 07:41

Jayzmummy - do not worry about siblings being from the same birth parents - I an adopted, and then I have an older brother and younger sister, both of whom are adopted from different parents. We are as close as can be, and quite often while we were growing up, friends could not believe we weren't blood related. In fact, I believe we are closer than most siblings we know.

OP posts:

skerriesmum · 06/04/2005 07:50

Yes, I'm adopted and have those feelings sometimes too especially when people say he looks like me... but sometimes I find it really annoying to hear the constant physical comparisons so I like to say "he's his own little man" or something like that... It helps that I started a relationship with my birthmom when I was pregnant and now we are quite close so my son is not the only blood relative I have, in fact I've met a lot of my birth family now, it's wonderful.

Moomin · 06/04/2005 10:11

I am adopted but my brother is my parents' natural child. After years of trying and failing to conceive they adopted me and within 18m had had my brother! We were always made aware that I was adopted and it was just accepted that we were equal and no different to any other brother and sister.

I think the success of non-biological siblings' relationships depends on their ages when adopted and how the parents deal with the knowledge. I was already there when my brother was born so he knew no difference. I can see that there might be issues if an older child was brought into the family or if a baby was adopted and the older children were 'there first' but if the parents handle it carefully and sensitively (which I'm sure you would!) this would help the transition.

Plenty of families these days are made up with non-blood relatives - think about all the step families around. There are problems with all kinds of families and there are also extremely successful and happy families too.

gingerbear · 06/04/2005 10:13

Jayzmummy, I have an adopted brother (diff. birth mum to me) and a younger sister who was born to mum and dad. Although we all look different and our temprements are different, we are a very close family and it makes no difference to us. We have always known that bro and I were adopted, but mum and dad love us all equally.

jackeroo · 06/04/2005 12:23

i was adopted at 6 months and agree with skerriesmum - it's lovely to hear that DS has my eyes, but the constant comparisons get a bit much. i had a very happy upbringing with 'non-bio parents' and don't think the non-blood-ties mattered... my adopted sister and i always knew we were adopted and have both fairly recently found our birth parents - but the ones who brought us up are the ones we call mum and dad, and feel the strongest bond to...

Bugsy2 · 06/04/2005 15:35

hsanders, adopted and completely understand where you are coming from. My children are the only blood relatives I have ever seen & every time someone says how much they look like me, I melt inside.
I feel so lucky to have them & to finally meet people I am related to!

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