Anyone with DCs less clever than you used to be? How do you cope?

[Stillanawfulparent]

I've name-changed for obvious reasons. I posted about this some months ago and things are getting worse, not better. I need advice.

I had DD at barely 19. Her father is not around at all. I'd known her father since I was 15 and he was charming, funny and I fell for him big time. He certainly wasn't as academic as I was, but tbh it didn't really matter to me at the time. Then I became pregnant at 18, he vanished and since then I've been a lone parent.

DD is now nearly 8. She's thoughtful, caring, funny, pretty and I love her to pieces. But I'm struggling more and more with the fact that she's not as academic as I am.

I know I'll be flamed for this. I know there are parents whose children have real problems of some sort. But I just don't know how to cope with DD's attitude towards learning. For example, she really isn't interested in books or reading. I just want to cry when she states that 'books are boring'. I've read fluently from the age of two, my house is filled with books, I can't imagine not wanting to read.

I'm so jealous of parents at school whose children are happily reading for hours each day. I want my DD to be a bookworm, to be preocious, to be the top of the class as I was. I want her to go to Oxford like I did. I want her to be academically competitive and to have a fierce desire for learning. I want her to excel.

I feel so ashamed to write this, but things are getting more and more difficult as we battle over things like reading and homework. I rant and rave like a lunatic, telling her that reading and enjoying books is 'non-negotiable' God knows why I think my negative attitude will help.

I have very little patience in terms of teaching or explaining things. I feel that she should just 'know' the answer, like I used to at her age. Again, totally irrational.

I also wish in many ways that she wasn't an only child. If I had three or four children, I could relax and let them develop at their own rate, since the odds are that one might be 'the clever one', another might be 'the kind one' another 'the pretty one' and so on. With just one child, I'm putting so many expectations on her it's not fair.

I'm in therapy, I know that I'm irrational over this. I also know that intelligence does not equate to happiness - I admit I'm screwed up.

But is there anyone else in a similar situation. Has anyone had children with some less intelligent than them that perhaps knows a little of what I'm going through. I'm wracked with guilt and wish I could just chill out and let her get on with her life. I know the more stressed I get, the worse things will be.

Any words of advice?

Oh dear, I had to laugh at "enjoying books is non-negotiable".

No, you are not alone. I used to teach at a school with a v high achieving catchment and had a number of parents who just could not deal with the fact that their children were not as academic as they were.

No great words of wisdom but I think you need to work out what your DD does enjoy and celebrate/share that with her - you will damage your relationship with her otherwise.

Yes. Let her be who she is, and love her for it. It's good that you are in counselling, I hope it will help.

Why do you want/need her to be you?

That is not a bitchy remark btw It is a genuine question. You seem to want, from your post, your daughter to relive the exact life you had. Why is that? What is so scary about letting her have her own, unique, existance?

Well going to university doesn't equal intelligence imo, there is a lot more to intelligence than pieces of paper.

I love reading as do my dc's, I just buy books that are fun and I think they'll enjoy as their school reading books are dull as dishwater. I've read to them all since they were babies and it's just followed on from there.

I'm a big book lover as are my family so it just seems to come naturally for them. I've never had to struggle to get them to read/listen to stories.

You really need to stop projecting your wants and needs onto your daughter though. The more you push her the less she will want to read. Not wanting to read doesn't mean you aren't intelligent either.

You get the child you're given. You can't mould them into what you want them to be - into some kind of mini me. I'm not flaming you (honest) but really - be grateful for the lovely little girl you have and encourage her as much as possible in the things she is interested in and/or good at.

I think you should use your therapy to get to the bottom of why you feel that the abilities you have , which seem not to have brought you a great deal of peace of mind or happiness , are so essential and desirable for your child.

I have tree children , one incredibly bright, one with profound special needs and one just average.
the just average is by far the happiest and the one I most evny.

I suspect you are just struggling to deal with something outside your own experience , especially as it flags to you things hard to admit - like impatience and intolerance.

You should also consider that she may be bright enough to realise that the better she does the less credit you will give her and just how stressed you are about it and has chosen to opt out.

Give yourself a break. Give her a break.

She may not go to Oxford, but then she may not get pregnant at 18 either. I don't say this (just) to be a bitch, but who's to say the way you are makes you a better person than she?

No not tree children
although I imagine tree children would be mystical creatures.
Clearly I am chamelling Irish Grandma

LMAOOooooo@pagwatch!

Or let me put it another way: you feel a mild undercurrent of contempt for your DD because she's not as 'clever' as you; I have felt the same for my mother who got pregnant at 18. And she didn't go to Oxford.

Ah yes, I remember your last thread about this.

You can't make her enjoy books.

I think everyone is "good" or "intelligent" at something - she is loving and kind, which is valuable.

Stay in therapy, this has everything to do with YOU and nothing at all to do with HER.

BTW, projecting your issues onto your child is not intelligent - Oxford or not.

I am assuming that you didn't get to finish at Oxford if you had your daughter at 19?

Could you be wanting her to continue and finish what you started??

I have 2 bookworms (one being my son suprisingly) and 2 that have rarely picked up a book in their life. All four are happy and doing well

I was tested in my 20's and I had an IQ of 154 then, I hated school and left to go and work as soon as I could with no qualifications. Being bright doesn't always mean suceeding academically

I bet if you stepped back, she would find her own way and most probably later find a love of reading. You can't make her love it though, no matter how much you scream at her

Just relax and let her be her

I thought reading was boring at that age. Mainly because I didn't have any patience. I got more interested when I was older and could pick whatever books I wanted- instead of CS Lewis which I still loathe and mushy girly books. I never had a fierce desire for learning- school was never something that challenged me, so I coasted a lot of the time. I still got a good Oxbridge degree and a great career.

Maybe your daughter won't be as bright as you, but is that really important? I'd be more concerned that she was happy, not knocked up and alone at 18 and in therapy before 30 struggling to cope with her 8 year old daughter's lack of ambition.

Hecate - it's a legitimate question and one that I have no good answer to.

I suppose in some ways it's the fact that I've been the odd one out in the family by being academic. My father was very supportive and pushy academically, but the rest of the family (siblings of my parents and their children) really had no interest in education and no real aspirations.

I'm an only child, my parents were fairly old when I was born, I went to an independent school my whole life, then Oxford, then did an MSc. Consequently, I very much appreciate the value of education and learning. All my friends have similar academic backgrounds.

I suppose in terms of projecting, I feel that I have something to prove. I don't want to seem a failure in any sense. I'm envious of friends at Oxford who have children that are naturally very precocious and bright - reading fluently as toddlers, doing complicated maths questions etc, wanting to discover more about physics, that kind of thing.

I want DD to be conventionally successful. To go to a good university, have a good career. Or at least have the academics that will enable her to do so if she chooses. I don't want her to be limited by what she can do when she reaches the age of 18, because her grades don't enable her to have a wide choice of career.

I'm not sure how much therapy is really helping. It doesn't help matters that my mother constantly states that 'DD isn't like us - she's not a great reader. What a shame'.

I feel so bad and so guilty. I wish I could chill out. I wish I had a partner that could provide an antidote to my pushiness. But since it's just DD and I, things are getting more, not less, tense {sad]

You need to understand that you are an individual, and your daughter is, too.

So, carry on learning for yourself, and ignore her educational 'needs.'

You know for a fact that if you push her too hard, she's not going to do it at all. Children need fun. Children who don't have fun don't amount to a hill of beans later on in life.

You just need to adjust your mindset .. the way you think about all this. Does it matter if she's as not as clever as you? Is she popular? Are you?

Weigh up the pros and cons, and chill out, my friend.

To be honest, nobody likes a Smart Alec anyway!

I do feel some sympathy with you OP.

I am a high achiever (against the odds).

I did well because I pushed myself.

I was always in the top 3 in school and my idea of a good day was coming 1st in a test, nobody pushed me to do it though, it came from within.

My 2 dc are pretty average academically. It has taken me a while to chill about this as I had envisaged these high-flying kids and how proud I would be. It ain't happening, they are happy to meander along a middle pathway.

I have had to learn to take a step back and let them go at their own pace. Both of them are happy and popular in school (one in primary and one in secondary). It pains me though!

Interestingly, my nephew is extremely high-achieving and my sis (his mum) was a total waster at school!! Go figure. I have had some anguish about this too, when my family say our babies must have been swapped at birth ( lol)

Take the pressure off you both, your relationship will suffer if you don't.

Having a love of reading is innate or it isn't, you can't force it.

Good luck !

I do understand where you're coming from a little. DH and I are both reasonably well educated and I can understand that I might be frustrated/upset if dd showed no interested or did badly at school.

But I wonder if there is TOO much pressure on your dd which is having the opposite effect.

As we're abroad, dd (nearly 5) won't start Primary level until she 6.5. She's learnt her letters and numbers and is just starting to read words. We just do things at her pace, but I do admit when friends in UK talk of how well their dcs are doing at reading/writing etc I get in a bit of a panic.

I really do think you need to chill out about this. Don't force books on her. Spend more time finding out what interests her and see if books can be brought gradually in as part of encouraging those interests.

FWIW, my DH is a Mensa member - IQ of 160 or something. He very, very rarely reads for pleasure, which I find hard to understand, but he has other interests.

Portofino - please don't panic about the French system being "behind" the English curriculum. It isn't. The more I see of the French maternelle, the better I think it is .

DD (4.2, Moyenne Section) came back home today with her class "grammar" book for me to sign. They are learning the concepts of Subject-Verb-Object-Full stop through pictures they draw. I just love it .

I think it is a it "early" to come to the conclusion that your dd is not academic. Lots of people flourish later. She might thrive at secondary school and - who knows- discover a passion for biology or any other subject.

I told you Anna Btw, I might come to Paris soon

Why do you need her to excel? You can't live through your DC; if you want it, it is never to late to do it yourself.
It is a great mistake to decide what your DCs are going to achieve or do with their lives -they may have completely different ideas! They may mess around and do nothing until they are middle aged, they may never get to where you want them to be.
As long as they are healthy and happy it really doesn't matter. Childhood is short-just enjoy it. Go with her interests and encourage her but pressurising her to be something she is not will be counter productive, or even emotionally unhealthy.

AnyFucker - thank you. It's good to know I'm not the only one in the world to feel like this (though I'm sure you cope far better )

I guess for me it's so hard to understand such a totally different mindset. I've always wanted to be top of the class, to be singled out for praise by the teacher, to get the highest marks amongst friends.

I love learning for the sake of it. I want to read as much as I can get my hands on and know more and more.

So it's hard to know what motivates DD in that respect.

Scaredoflove - I did finish at Oxford. I got pregnant at 18, just after A-levels, took two 'gap' years then went to Oxford with DD in tow.

Yetoxichighroad - Let's hope my DD does make better life choices than I did and doesn't get pregnant at 18. But I hope she doesn't feel contempt that I chose to keep her.

Oh, I do understand a bit. My little one is only 3, but already I can see that he's not going to be particularly clever. I was able to read by his age; he wouldn't know a letter if it stood up and bit him on the bum. He's still young, so I may be proved wrong, but I'd be surprised TBH.

Somehow, I think it is easier that he's a boy, it's easier not to project.

But, you're smart, you know that you do need to find a way to deal with it. What does she do that you admire or appreciate? What are her good qualities, things that make you smile? Start concentrating on those and let the disappointment about books and academia wither away. You can't make her into a learning machine - maybe she'll get there in her own time, but you can't force it.

Who's looking over your shoulder? Why do you care so much about what your peers think of your (still young) child? Do they need to see you succeed for your success to be valid?

But, most of all try not to let her see your disappointment - that's a heavy burden for a little person to carry.....

Franca

When are you coming?????????? Please let me know in plenty of time so I can be free......

I do have some sympathy - but the child your daughter is at 8 is not the adult she will be at 20. My oldest seemed to have no interest whatsoever in anything academic at 8, or even at 16 - he winged his way through school doing just about well enough. He's at University now, determined to get a first, wanting to do an MA - a different person to how he used to be.

So a) she may change. You can't possibly write her academic future off at the age of 8.

b) nothing is more likely to put her of academia than your current performance. Reading should be fun. If it's not fun, leave it a few months until you can capture her imagination with something (the book of a film? - e.g. The Secret Garden - there's a good film version, and from that you might get her to the book). Stop with the pressure - it's clearly making both of you unhappy. Whatever your issues are, they're your issues, and they shouldn't have to be hers as well.

c) If she's never academic, she still sounds pretty damn wonderful. You only get one shot at this mothering lark - don't blow it.