Anyone with DCs less clever than you used to be? How do you cope?

[Stillanawfulparent]

I've name-changed for obvious reasons. I posted about this some months ago and things are getting worse, not better. I need advice.

I had DD at barely 19. Her father is not around at all. I'd known her father since I was 15 and he was charming, funny and I fell for him big time. He certainly wasn't as academic as I was, but tbh it didn't really matter to me at the time. Then I became pregnant at 18, he vanished and since then I've been a lone parent.

DD is now nearly 8. She's thoughtful, caring, funny, pretty and I love her to pieces. But I'm struggling more and more with the fact that she's not as academic as I am.

I know I'll be flamed for this. I know there are parents whose children have real problems of some sort. But I just don't know how to cope with DD's attitude towards learning. For example, she really isn't interested in books or reading. I just want to cry when she states that 'books are boring'. I've read fluently from the age of two, my house is filled with books, I can't imagine not wanting to read.

I'm so jealous of parents at school whose children are happily reading for hours each day. I want my DD to be a bookworm, to be preocious, to be the top of the class as I was. I want her to go to Oxford like I did. I want her to be academically competitive and to have a fierce desire for learning. I want her to excel.

I feel so ashamed to write this, but things are getting more and more difficult as we battle over things like reading and homework. I rant and rave like a lunatic, telling her that reading and enjoying books is 'non-negotiable' God knows why I think my negative attitude will help.

I have very little patience in terms of teaching or explaining things. I feel that she should just 'know' the answer, like I used to at her age. Again, totally irrational.

I also wish in many ways that she wasn't an only child. If I had three or four children, I could relax and let them develop at their own rate, since the odds are that one might be 'the clever one', another might be 'the kind one' another 'the pretty one' and so on. With just one child, I'm putting so many expectations on her it's not fair.

I'm in therapy, I know that I'm irrational over this. I also know that intelligence does not equate to happiness - I admit I'm screwed up.

But is there anyone else in a similar situation. Has anyone had children with some less intelligent than them that perhaps knows a little of what I'm going through. I'm wracked with guilt and wish I could just chill out and let her get on with her life. I know the more stressed I get, the worse things will be.

Any words of advice?

stillanwfulparent (which you're not btw), THANK YOU for being brave enough to start this thread. I have been thinking about starting one like this for a while but have never had the courage.

I haven't read all the posts but I can relate completely to what you said in the OP. I had been eagerly waiting for the time when DD would start learning to read. I imagined she would pick it up really quickly and learn to love reading and, like you said, be a bookworm. However it hasn't happened that way. Learning to read for DD has been and still is a slow and painful process, she doesn't seem to enjoy it and has said books are boring, She is only 5 and in Yr 1 so I am not completely disheartened but I am beginning to get the feeling that even as she gets older DD is not going to have the absolute LOVE of reading that i had as a child and still do.

Unlike you I do have another DC, DS who is nearly 3. He is not reading as yet, but he is VERY different to DD. He actually will sit himself down with a book and 'read' it to himself for ages. He is very quick to pick things up and I am fairly sure he is going to find learning to read quite easy and will probably enjoy reading.

One of the responses to your OP asked you why you wanted DD to be like you. And that got me thinking about myself. And in my case i think I am looking for a connection with DD that so far seems to be lacking. I didn't bond with her when she was born due to PND and she is so completely different to me in ever way that I realise now that perhaps i was hoping that a shared love of reading would bring us closer. But it looks unlikely at the moment.

Anyway, I don't want to go on too much as i haven't read the whole thread, will go back and do that now!

Please, please listen to this speech by Sir Ken Robinson. It's about the misguidedness of allowing academic ability to dominate our view of intelligence and how, in a changing world, multiple intelligences, and particularly creativity, will be vital. It's funny, inspirational and profoundly moving.

uk.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY

Your dd is extremely clever. She's worked out exactly what pushes your buttons and is using it to get the effect she wants - a reaction from you.

The only way to get out of this cycle is to start acting like the more intelligent party you claim to be and not get hooked in what has essentially become a power game.

It would be healthier too.

I had the opposite problem to you with my own mother. She was a single parent also who had me, my sister and brother all when she was under the age of 18. My mother is not academic at all, and never expected her children to be, so she never pushed us at all to really strive at school. Without going boringly into it, we were all what would be considered very bright, degrees,masters, research blah blah. I think my mother was confused by the whole thing, and i remember being forced to clean the house and cook etc all night when i had exams the next day, as thats what women did. It took a long time for my mother to accept what we were, and that we had different wants and needs to hers, and our relationship suffered badly as a result. The fact that you are not the person your mother wants you to be resonates down through your life and has major implications that you seriously need to realise. You not accepting her as she is may well have implications on her future relationships, her mental health and will not foster qualities that she does have. My own dd seems quite bright so far, doing everything early, but i can honestly say im not really bothered if shes super bright, goes to uni etc. As long as shes happy and being of some use somewhere! Your posts seem to be about your wants and needs and not your daughters. Maybe you are feeling you need to push her to prove that you are not a the 'daily mail' view of single parents, which is much a stereotype anyway. Use the energy your putting into this, into your relationship with your daughter, and you and her will be a lot happier. Your fighting a losing battle and you will come the worst off in the long term, people are who they are, your dd included. Best of luck in getting past this issue.

That was my experience too Clarabell. My mother never came to terms with our differences.

''The fact that you are not the person your mother wants you to be resonates down through your life and has major implications that you seriously need to realise.''

Very true - I don't think I'll ever really get over this.

I think op knows how she SHOULD feel - that's why she's posting. The dilemma is how to truly feel it - that it's just not that important. We all have to be prepared for our child to be their own person which may be very different to us - to get to know the child and find out who they are rather than beginning with expectations or assumptions.