Anyone with DCs less clever than you used to be? How do you cope?

[Stillanawfulparent]

I've name-changed for obvious reasons. I posted about this some months ago and things are getting worse, not better. I need advice.

I had DD at barely 19. Her father is not around at all. I'd known her father since I was 15 and he was charming, funny and I fell for him big time. He certainly wasn't as academic as I was, but tbh it didn't really matter to me at the time. Then I became pregnant at 18, he vanished and since then I've been a lone parent.

DD is now nearly 8. She's thoughtful, caring, funny, pretty and I love her to pieces. But I'm struggling more and more with the fact that she's not as academic as I am.

I know I'll be flamed for this. I know there are parents whose children have real problems of some sort. But I just don't know how to cope with DD's attitude towards learning. For example, she really isn't interested in books or reading. I just want to cry when she states that 'books are boring'. I've read fluently from the age of two, my house is filled with books, I can't imagine not wanting to read.

I'm so jealous of parents at school whose children are happily reading for hours each day. I want my DD to be a bookworm, to be preocious, to be the top of the class as I was. I want her to go to Oxford like I did. I want her to be academically competitive and to have a fierce desire for learning. I want her to excel.

I feel so ashamed to write this, but things are getting more and more difficult as we battle over things like reading and homework. I rant and rave like a lunatic, telling her that reading and enjoying books is 'non-negotiable' God knows why I think my negative attitude will help.

I have very little patience in terms of teaching or explaining things. I feel that she should just 'know' the answer, like I used to at her age. Again, totally irrational.

I also wish in many ways that she wasn't an only child. If I had three or four children, I could relax and let them develop at their own rate, since the odds are that one might be 'the clever one', another might be 'the kind one' another 'the pretty one' and so on. With just one child, I'm putting so many expectations on her it's not fair.

I'm in therapy, I know that I'm irrational over this. I also know that intelligence does not equate to happiness - I admit I'm screwed up.

But is there anyone else in a similar situation. Has anyone had children with some less intelligent than them that perhaps knows a little of what I'm going through. I'm wracked with guilt and wish I could just chill out and let her get on with her life. I know the more stressed I get, the worse things will be.

Any words of advice?

If you want her to enjoy stories I would highly recommend story CDs. Bookpeople do fantastic sets of eg. Roald Dahl or Just William, and it can be a great encouragement for children who find the physical act of reading difficult or non-enjoyable.

With dc, you really do have to enjoy them for what they are. You could have a child who is fiendishly bright but still completely different from you in other ways -- that might also drive you to distraction (and I have one like this, and it does). They don't have to be like you, and part of growing into parenthood is enjoying the fact that they're different from you. The downside of this is that you have to listen to 4 hours of rambling about Star Wars Lego, but hey.

It IS frustrating when your child completely fails to understand something that really is blindingly obvious to you and seems to be easy for most of his peers. I have a vivid memory of sitting ds (then about 6 or 7) down with 12 1p coins, and trying to explain to him that 12= 3 x 4, which was the same as 4 x 3, or indeed 2x6 or 6x2. It was like that scene in Blackadder when Edmund is trying to explain numbers to Baldrick. Even dh (who is not one of life's natural mathematicians, and from whom ds has undoubtedly inherited his (ahem) mathematical ability) was developing a nervous twitch from the other side of the room. Three years later, he seems to be at least above averagely competent at maths, although he won't be solving Fermat's last theorem any time soon. (By 'him', I mean my 9yo ds -- his father is still incapable of calculating a simple percentage. I've learnt the hard way not to assume he's joking when he asks how to perform a simple calculation).

Sounds like your mum isn't helping -- did you grow up feeling that you had to achieve or be a certain way in order to please your parents? Do you really feel that the people you went to Oxford with are happier and more successful than people who went elsewhere (cos that def wasn't my experience). Another MNer once described Oxford as 'A daycentre for the terminally bright', which is about right IME. If your brain is setup to do that kind of thing, then great, you might as well go somewhere where you can indulge yourself for three years. But your brain, and certainly your dc's brain may be setup to do something completely different, and it would be terrible if she ended up not being able to become the person she is called to be because she spent her childhood feeling a failure for not being someone else.

I think 8 is way too early to judge.

Getting pregnant at 18 and becoming a single parent isn't a terribly intelligent thing to do on the face of things. I would have thought that experience would make you understand that we are all a complex mixture of intelligent, stupid, sane, insane, sensible and silly. I hope people didn't judge you as harshly as you are judging your daughter.

I was a great reader from an early age and have children who won't read for pleasure-they are not me! I think that it is disappointing that they miss a lot but I am still happy reading. Your children are not clones of you and they are not blank sheets for you to mould. Go out and fulfil your own ambitions-don't expect your DD to do it for you.

you can clearly see that shouting at her and being impatient will not help, is there are chance you could get her a tutor?

Perhaps someone else will be able to teach her in a way that is more suited to her personality?

What does her teacher say about the way she learns at school?

it could be the case that she will notbe very bright but you cannot make her feel that she has failed you oreles she could have a complex about that for the rest of her life.

I was the first person in my family to go to university and it was never expected of me. I always thought to myself, "If I have kids it will be the norm in our house to go to uni" (i.e that i snobbishly put more value on academic success than anything else)
Now though, with a DD of 10 months, my opinions have changed. I look at her and all I want is for her to be happy and honestly I would be more pleased if she was resilient and knew how to talk to people than if she got a first at uni.

Do not get a tutor for the poor child! That would really put her off.Not everyone is academic-it isn't the be all and end all!

I think it's understandable that you should feel uncomfortable as your child is so different from you. However, I think that those who have the most successful, happy lives are those who are the most self confident and at ease with themselves. I can think of countless examples of unhappy, overachieving children and of happy, not so high achieving children. As others have said, try to appreciate the good in her and hold off on being too heavyhanded in encouraging her to read. There's plenty of time for that to come - but Michael Rosen usually has lots of good tips on getting reluctant readers to want to read.

piscesmoon - I just thought that having someone else to help her with her homework etc might help take some of the tension away as the OP said she gets very stressed with her dd.

My family have all been to university. My DS has an apprenticeship and is doing brilliantly at it-I am just as proud of him as I am his elder brother at university. I am not set into making him something he is not.

You know what, when my sister and I were kids, we were only a school year apart, often in the same class (tiny village school) and there was a lot of comparison between us. I always had my nose stuck in a book, my sister used to sit and watch chuckle brothers and grange hill. I picked things up without even trying, my sister seemed slow to grasp things and had to work at them. Guess which one of us has a phd? (hint, it isn't me!) An awful lot can change between 8 and 18 and seeming slow to begin with can be a sign of getting a deeper understanding of the subject. Reading is definitely not a sign of intelligence

newlysinglemummy - I've thought about the tutor option. Both DD and I know that if I try and impart any kind of homework information, it all ends in tears. She certainly learns better with other people explaining things.

Piscesmoon - I don't think that I want DD to fulfill my ambitions, since I'm doing fairly well myself career-wise and have achieved everything I want to so far.

aprilfoolsbaby - I too was the first person in my family to go to university and I really want it to be the norm for future generations. I have friends who have had generations of their family all attending the same Oxford/Cambridge college. I'd like something similar.

The thing is, in general, DD is far happier than I ever was. She's outgoing, very popular, social, empathetic, confident. She has great life skills. I, on the other hand, have never really felt that I fit in anywhere, am not really a people person and take refuge in books and learning. I know objectively that so long as she's happy and healthy, that's all that matters. But subjectively and irrationally, I want her to be more academic.

It would obviously be better for someone else to help her with her homework,newlysinglemummy, but I think OP would be better letting her get on with it on her own. She is very young to write off-some people are very late developers. It never does to compare with friend's children.

"DD is far happier than I ever was. She's outgoing, very popular, social, empathetic, confident. She has great life skills."

See - you said it yourself! Just try to stop worrying about it, and let her grow up to be the person she is going to be!

I sympathise with the OP, it's sad when your children dont' enjoy the things you did. I loved learning at school, loved university (first degree and postgrad degree) now doing OU study in my 'spare' time.

Anyway, i don't have children of school age yet but i keep trying to tell myself that i couldn't 'make' them like football if i liked football, or 'make' them enjoy the outdoors like me, if my DD turns out to be a barbie loving, pink sparkly girl who loves ballet then that'll be her personality. I will be sad not to share her interest but try to appreciate she is her own person.

It's the same for learning. I will try my best not to be sad if my LOs don't like learning at school but i will try my best to keep their eyes open in more general ways (museums, documentaries etc.).

I want my LOs to have aspirations (as the OP does) but not all good aspirations and talents have to be academic.

"She's outgoing, very popular, social, empathetic, confident. She has great life skills. I, on the other hand, have never really felt that I fit in anywhere, am not really a people person and take refuge in books and learning. I know objectively that so long as she's happy and healthy, that's all that matters."

What more can any parent want! At least you realise that wanting her to be more academic is irrational. A local, highly academic, high achieving boy, has committed suicide aged 19 years-it doesn't always give a glittering future.

starting to panic here!
DD tunred 3 in january and books are one of her greatest loves - but when do children start reading? I read to her loads but these claims of reading at 2 and 3 scare me silly!

I hope she continues with her love of books and does well academically, but should i be teaching her to read?

I was constantly told i was precocious, different, special as a child, I truly was none of those things, I just had parents that were desperate for me to be wonderful and different, when I was just a normal kid, and all I wanted to be was anonymous and like everyone else! As a consequence, i never made much effort at school (although i did ok academically) and when i left school took a job as a chambermaid, because i didn't want to go on to college (which was what was expected).

I love reading, and drawing (my family are all artists) and have a fantastic life with a wonderful husband and kids, and can honestly say that i have enjoyed doing a wide variety of badly paid jobs (waitress, cleaner, shop assistant).

Be proud of your daughter, and teach her how to get the most out of the things she enjoys, whether it is sport, being sociable, drama, maths, watching tv etc.Focus on her positive qualities, rather than things that you see as negative - who decides what is intelligence anyway?

My brother is 21 and studying at Uni. He's never picked up a book for pleasure in his life. I cannot understand this, but it's never held him back, so there's no reason she's less intellectual that you were.

Relax and just let her enjoy whatever it is she likes. Maybe once you ease the pressure off she'll come around and maybe not, either way just accept the child you have.

FWIW, my son is almost 6 and although loves books he refuses to read to me and is on one of the lowest levels in his class, I was reading at 4 before I started school, it does occasionally bother me but I know he'll get there.

Thank you everyone so much for comments. I know that I need to realise that there are many different routes to learning and that being at the tope of the class certainly doesn't always equate to happiness.

I'll hopefully try and find some useful strategies to try and back off - plus I know I need to explore fundamental issues as to why I seek 'perfection' - my therapist will be kept busy.

REading the OP has left me feeling a bit wobbly - as I'm that less intelligent child. I also had 3 older siblings who were more accademic than me, and I've grown up feeling like the academic runt of the family.

For what it's worth, I think I have been more successful than my siblings, mostly due to my other abilies, and being able to blague my way though life.

I could barely read at the age of 8, and shared no interests with my mother.(I refused to go on long walks, play chess or study the stars) I've always felt somewhat of a disapointment to my parents.

Please praise your daughters efforts, and find what she is good at - dance? drama? art? sport? music? Let her know she can follow her dreams, and support her in them what ever they may be.

And what ever you do, don't write her off as someone who will only ever have a low paid job like my parents did - you may find yourself eating your words.

What a sad post. It can be tough when your interests are different; I don't think its snobbishness, though it can seem that way because of the academic slant; its really no different to a sporty man having an arty son and struggling to come to terms with that!

I suppose it might help if rather than comparing your dd's ability with your own, you look at it in terms of success. You have been successful in your chosen field. 8 is way too early to tell if she is going to be successful in hers. I am one of 4 siblings. Academically I was the most successful (though I read Literature and as many of my friends were biologists I didn't feel particulary clever!) but in terms of career my brother and sister have probably left me in the shade. One works in fashion, the other for the Foreign Office. Both have great lives and earn soooooo much more than me!

Do you think that you feel saddened by this because you've had to make sacrifices for your dd - studying with a baby can't have been easy. Those sacrifices might feel more worthwhile if you felt it was all 'paying off' through your daughter being everything you'd hoped for. If that makes sense?!

You said...'If I had three or four children, I could relax and let them develop at their own rate, since the odds are that one might be 'the clever one', another might be 'the kind one' another 'the pretty one' and so on. With just one child, I'm putting so many expectations on her it's not fair.'

Not to pile on, as it is a hypothetical, but letting your children know that you see them as the 'clever one' (unspoken message being but not pretty...) or 'the pretty one' (but a bit thick...) is not a good way to parent. It makes your love seem conditional for one thing. And anyone you CAN be pretty AND clever AND kind (or at least your mum should think so!)

My DS is just a baby but I've thought about this, I must admit. I would hate it if he didn't like books but I hope that

a) I'd try to remember the many peers I had at Oxford who NEVER read for pleasure...

b) I'd think how amazingly proud I'd be if he became a chef, or a songwriter, or opened a shop, or became a childminder, or a counsellor, or any of the things for which you don't need to be academic, but which he could do fantastically well, and love doing.

Hi there stillanawfulparent.

Sympathies. When we found I was carrying a boy, DH was stricken by fear that he would be a soccer-mad "jock". Said boy in fact enjoys debating evolutionary theory with dad and that makes dad happy. You're entitled to mourn (a bit and only in private) the fact that you aren't pouring over the Noel Streatfield books together. You've come quite far by being able to articulate the problem I think. This is a real mother-daughter thing, isn't it? Have you read the Philip Larkin poem where someone unwisely asked him to be a godfather and he wrote "May you be ordinary"? I recommend it!

There's not a lot of point in telling you how you should behave because you know the answer to that. The better question would be how are you going to get there. Being told to chill out isn't going to do it I suspect.

If the therapy is not working, you might have to take very small steps here. I think the tutor idea is a good one. Get someone who has less invested in it into the mix. Confess all to the tutor. Find someone confident.

Good luck. you must be careful not to damage your daughter by projecting a sense of disappointment on to her. You do know that I think.

OP - 8 is a very young age, and your DD might surprise you yet.

I was speaking in sentences before I was 1 year old, learned to read before age 3, and was reading encyclopedias at age 8.

When my brother came along, he wasn't saying much at 2 and my mother took him to the doctor, asking if he was "retarded" Even when he learned to read (7?) he wasn't that interested in books & preferred Legos.

Then around age 17, he started coming top of his class in pretty much every subject & went to UPenn for a double-major (Econ & Ind. Engineering) and MBA in Harvard on scholarship. Now he is 32 and doing very well for himself.

Moral of the story: Don't judge your daughter at this age. She might surprise you yet.

Intelligent post, lingle, but I still suspect that 'chill out' is the best advice