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Parenting

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Original poster

Why must boys be boys? Wise advice from mums of boys needed ...

42 replies

redhotredhead · 11/12/2008 19:55

I have twin 5 year old boys. And several friends with boys same age. Why do they all come out of school every afternoon and immediately go completely bonkers in the playground? Tearing around playing really rough tag games, kicking each other, shoving each other over? Are 2 playtimes and a lunchtime at school really not enough physcial exercise in a day? Is is just testosterone? Is it just that I as a woman don't "get" them? How should we deal with them?

My friends was hauled over the coals today by teacher of her DS (aged 5) because he had punched 1 boy, bloodied another one's nose and kicked a third in the nativity rehearsal, all apparently unprovoked. She's a lovely woman, he seems a nice kid most of the time - WHY DO THEY DO THIS STUFF?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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SittingBull · 11/12/2008 19:57

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hecAteAMillionMincePies · 11/12/2008 19:59

well, they don't all do that. That seems rather more than boys will be boys to me. That seems like bullying. Most boys don't go round beating other kids up.

boys will be boys in so far as they'll be noisy, they'll be leaping around, shoving each other and yelling, they'll be routinely covered head to toe in mud, and they'll be disturbingly obsessed with bodily functions.

I would not try to dismiss such level of agression by putting it down to being a boy. If my boys punched another child they'd be in serious trouble.

scifinerd · 11/12/2008 20:00

Actually I really believe boys that age need far more than 2 playtimes and a lunchtime to work off their energy. They are having to spend too long sitting in classrooms and not enough time running around hence bedlam at the end of the school day. I believe boys get a raw deal, they have needs fuelled by surges in testosterone that are not been met.

Stephen Biddulph's book on rasing boys is excellent to read.

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roundcornvirgin · 11/12/2008 20:00

Only one of mine came out of school going crazy. The other has the potential to go crazy but is squashable.

mysterymoniker · 11/12/2008 20:01

oh my

i sound like a BOY according to hecate

travellingwilbury · 11/12/2008 20:02

Well I have to say my boys wouldn't go around kicking and punching anybody and they are 2.6 and nearly 5 but the older one does come out being a loon after school .

My theory is that over 6 hours of being good is too much for his little head to cope with so he has to be a pain for at least half an hour to catch up with the good versus evil ratio

Works for me anyway

sellorrenovate · 11/12/2008 20:05

I adhere to the adage that boys are like dogs i.e. they need loads of exercise

TotalChaos · 11/12/2008 20:06

my boy and the other ones in his class at school tend to want to run around and race to the gate once they are let out - I reckon they want to let off steam after concentrating at school. So I think the bounciness is normal - but not pushing/shoving/hitting etc.

blametheparents · 11/12/2008 20:07

I have a DS age 7 and he is quite lively at the end of the day, but he is still able to observe the rules of not being allowed on the school field, and not on the trim trail. He absolutely would not punch anyone, and would be in massive trouble if he did. We normally walk home from school and that helps to clear school out of his system too.
Boys are great, pretty simple creatures
At least I have never once had a so-and-so is not talking to me conversation, unlike with my DD who seems to have more fallings out with her friends.

LoolaBoys · 11/12/2008 20:08

Totally agree Sellorrenovate. That is exactly what I was going to say

moston · 11/12/2008 20:09

They do this because they don't have firm enough and consistent boundaries of behaviour.

Original poster

redhotredhead · 11/12/2008 20:10

Yes - have confused the two issues really. I think her DS behaviour is extreme and have to debrief her tomorrow over coffee - she is v upset about it - and was wondering about words of wisdom for her. I think she gets lumbered with all the discipline and doesn't get much backup from DH, which may be partly to blame. I know when my two get really out of hand they listen to their Dad much more than me.

I have read Raising Boys ages ago but need to dust it off again I think. Didnt realise the testosterone surge was NOW! I agree boys do get raw deal at school - and of course they are surounded by female authority figures (at our school anyway) who seem to be constantly wondering why they can't behave as well as the girls. Well maybe I'm exagerrating slightly to make my point as I know the teachers are v experienced and all that but I'm sure YKWIM.

OP posts:

roundcornvirgin · 11/12/2008 20:12

Someone on here said that Biddulph made that bit up.

Original poster

redhotredhead · 11/12/2008 20:13

Made what bit up - about the testosterone surges? Good God I hope not! That's been my mantra for ages - it's only the testosterone, it's only the testosterone, it's only the testosterone ...

OP posts:

Desiderata · 11/12/2008 20:14

I think that education is way too feminized these days. I don't know a single male who hasn't been involved in at least one bloody-nosed incident in the school playground at some point (sometimes often), in their youth.

This was considered normal years ago. Of course, it was a punishable offence, but it was as ordinary as chips for lunch.

Society seems much more violent now. Odd that.

roundcornvirgin · 11/12/2008 20:15

Yes the testosterone bit is meant to be bull - according to a MNetter, so it must be right!

Doodle2U · 11/12/2008 20:15

Don't teach boys to be like girls - Times On-Line

Cadmum · 11/12/2008 20:16

I am going out on a limb here because I have two boys who do not behave this way so I am taking the risk of sounding like a prat when I ask if all of them actually come out and go bonkers. Is there not even one boy that comes out calmly (perhaps speaking endlessly about his day as mine do)?

Original poster

redhotredhead · 11/12/2008 20:16

OMG! Hopefully she'll find this thread and enlighten me!

OP posts:

scifinerd · 11/12/2008 20:18

Biddulph is not the only one to talk about testosterone surges I think. Isn't a well recognised medical fact? And after all oestrogen has a lot to answer for in teenage girls and the like.

Desiderata, you are very right.

OP I am not sure what advice you can give your friend. I am not experienced enough yet as my eldest ds is only just 4. But I am interested to hear what the other MNetters say.

Original poster

redhotredhead · 11/12/2008 20:19

Of course, Cadmum there are some who do - even my own occasionally. In fact more often than not. I just find it hard to deal with the days like today when they do go round the bend. God forbid I should have generalised ...

OP posts:

Original poster

redhotredhead · 11/12/2008 20:24

Superb article doodle - thank you! Will be ordering my copy of "21st century boys" when it gets published.

OP posts:

scifinerd · 11/12/2008 20:27

Totally got to get that book, she says everything I think but far more eloquently.

Original poster

redhotredhead · 11/12/2008 20:42

Have just pre-ordered it on Amazon - £7

OP posts:

nooka · 11/12/2008 20:59

I don't think there is any evidence that boys at around the age of 5 have high levels of testosterone. There wouldn't be any biological reason for this. Certainly I was on a thread with a couple of people who knew about this field and said it was a load of baloney. Looking at scientific sites, it seems that testosterone levels are barely detectable in children before puberty, apart from a short burst in the first few months (no one seems to know quite why this happens).

I think Biddolph made it up. I wonder whether in societies where children don't start school so early there are similar theories. My ds was quite rough and rowdy in reception, and my dd was a bit of a madam. These seem to be normal reactions to the confines of school. Children grow up and their social skills improve, so that the girls relax a bit, and the boys channel their energies into sports type activities (well running around that looks more purposeful anyway). This is of course a gross oversimplification, but seems to be bourn out by most kids in most playgrounds I have seen.

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