Really worried we did the wrong thing having a baby

[Lozza70]

DS is 7 weeks old and I'm really worried about DH. He does not seem to be coping with what I think is the normal crying and grizzling of a baby. He says he is pissed off and when he has DS for a short while and cannot get him to settle I hear him saying 'just shut up'. I don't think he would do anything silly to DS but how do I get him to realise that DS can only communicate through crying at the moment? Also he is starting to take off out of the house at any opportunity and I feel like all the care is falling on my shoulders and I am exhausted. I just want to cry at the thought that DS is not loved by his daddy

does your dh have any experience of babies at all? my SIL in law was like this as the only experience she had of new babies was what she had seen on tv

would it help him to talk to the health visitor? maybe he has been a bit overwhelmed by it all

not helping you in the short term though - just remember baby is only 7wks old you can still hold up in bed and ignore everything/everyone else - don't be trying to do too much

I might have dreamt this but is there a male equivalent of PND? It's just that what you describe is pretty much how I felt when DD was born although obviously I couldn't take off when I wanted but I did walk out a few times.

this is what you need to say

its hard - tough shit - you cant walk out when you re pissed off - what stops me from doing the same

i dont have a fucking chain from me to the baby y'know - he is as much your responsability as mine

stop being such a selfish shit and grow the fuck up you whinging mother fucker.

knock this stornimg out of the house shit on the head - seriously.

you need to have YOU time, he needs time with the kid. make some regualr days or evenings for you.

if your dh is working - it may be a consequence of sleep that he is angry. its hard to work outside the home and concentrate and keep your job and allt he pressures of a new family and paying bills etc, if you have had 4 hours of interupted sleep.

you need to tell him straight though

He may be exhausted... actually the 2 of you must be. IS there anything you can do in order to have some time on your own to catch up with things and possibly find a way to improve his relationship with baby?

I wish I could be more positive and helpful here but I'm afraid people like your DH really piss me off.

He's a selfish baby himself and needs to grow up. Lots of men just cannot handle having to think of someone other than themselves for more than 5 minutes. Doubtful he'll change. I'd kick him out for telling a baby to just "shut up". I'd be too afraid that his kind of behaviour is a huge red flag that he is going to let you two down somewhere down the line.

I hope I am wrong.

lozza - i am sure lots of others will come on and reassure you but i just wanted to say that although your dh doesn't sound like he is coping very well, it is very early days for you and i think it often takes a much longer time for the dad to adjust to having this new little person around - you have had 9 months of carrying ds to get adjust to someone else taking priority whereas he may not have thought through the realities of parenthood..
i know my dh (who is a very gentle, loving andf sensitive soul) certainly spent the first few weeks of ds's life saying things like "he is such a stranger" and "what do i do with him?" which totally freaked me out. Ds is now 2 and my dh is besotted with him.
However, it does sound like you really need to talk to your dh about this - the less time he spends with your ds the harder it will be for him to adjust and learn to enjoy him. Do you have the kind of realtionship where you can openly talk about stuff?
Anyway, keep talking to MN.. all the best to you xxx
ps i have also noticed that men are never at their best when really exhausted obvious i know but definitely has a profound effect on my dh..

Sounds just like my dh. He is a virtual only child (his sister is 10 years older) and he doesn't have close family so he's never been around babies. He was really frustrated with ds when he was born. I'm ashamed to admit I just took over, I took charge of everything which solved the immediate problem but it doesn't solve things in the long run. If I had my time again, I'd try and do things for the baby with dh, ie bathing, changing, feeding. Do all those things together for the first few weeks.

For my dh his frustration was a result of the fact that he felt he wasn't equipped to stop the crying. I tried explaining that it was naturally going to be easier for me to settle ds as I was his mother, and to him I represent security and food, two things babies need in bucket loads. I didn't help things at all by taking charge. I got totally exhausted and dh was pretty clueless at looking after ds. Is there anyway you could start doing things together?

Most men tend to think in terms of problem and solution but babies aren't that prescriptive sometimes. But I do think it helps if a man feels confident at different methods of settling a baby to get past that frustrated stage.

"I'd kick him out for telling a baby to just "shut up".

Really? I would try to work things out and expect things to change, paticularly when it is a situation just arising during a particularly stressful time. People needs to get used to their new life as parents you know...

My DP found it really hard at first with DS1. It's just as big a shock for them as it is for us but they don't get as much support from extended family as we do normally. MY DP said he suddenly felt a huge weight of responsibilty and he realised that that was the point he grew up. There is not much for men to do at the beginning, especially if you are breast feeding. If you are breast feeding could you express a few bottles for him to give to your DS?

It took a while for my DP to bond with both DS1 and 2 and we had some horrible screaming rows in the first few months of parenthood. It is really hard, but I bet the first time your DS smiles at him he'll be a gonner.

Sorry if this isn't much help but just wanted to reassure you that I think it's quite normal.

Cor custardo! I have said that so many times in my head... I've always been the peacemaker in my family though hence my approach of trying to involve dh more. I always back away from confrontation. I should borrow you occasionally to come and tell my dh how it is

loxxa, could you take off for a little while and leave the two of them on their own to get to know each other.

It may be that he sees you being a really good mum and feels total inadequte? Or he is plain and simply jealous of the attention baby is getting.

I would leave them to it for an hour or so and keep on so he can get used to having baby without anyone else around - then if he does mess no one is there to say anything.

I think some people, men and women, just are not prepared for how exhausting and draining a new born can be..and also dont get that a newborn isnt capanle of rational thought, so telling him to shut up isnt going to help!

I epect it has all come as a shock to himand is there perhaps and element of the old jealus of the time DW spends eith the baby thing too?
Not sure what can be done about it..did you go to antenatal classes?Maybe if he spoke to some of the Dads from there about how the first few weeks have been he may realise that your baby is just being a baby and get some coping strategies?One girl out of our classes said the only thing that helped her DH see that it wasnt 1950 and that he should actually help with their DS was after we started going round to each others houses for coffee or out as a group to places like the park.He saw what the other men did and this shook him into doing the same..
Other than that a long chat?Preferably somewhere quiet, away from the baby?He will have to face up to the fact that his life has now changed and set about learning to see the positive aspects of that as well as the negative..Its not easy at all this first bit.Is a big change for everyone..So dont be too harsh on him, but do be firm..

Good luck

My DH was like this initially - any excuse to get out of daddy duties, if I asked for help it was grudgingly given. I also think men can also get a form of post-baby depression. It's so much harder for them to bond with a baby because they haven't caried them round for 9 months and then suddenly this little person is here destroying their sleep, running their lives and stopping them from having any fun with their wives. Yes it is selfish and a bit pathetic, but when women have these feelings (though admittedly can rarely act on them) we feel sympathy for them and see it at symptoms of something more serious - why not men too?

With my DH we had a big chat about it and reminded him that one day he would adore this little girl and would feel hideous he had been so dismissive of her initially. I didn't put too much pressure on him, and encouraged him to have fun with her (as much as you can with new born) rather than just doing the maintenance tasks and slowly they began to bond. He is an amazing dad now and very close to DD.

Or say what Custy said
Also apologies for my spelling on last post.DD2 was having a go.

'express a few bottles'...as if I found that really easy!!

get out more.

in the house, it's all downside - noise where there used to be quiet, dirty things when it used to be tidy . It's also likely to be seen as 'your territory' .

Put the bub in a sling on his chest, and go out as a family. Walk in the park, browse through electrical showrooms, watch a sports match, car boot sales - whatever whim takes you.

Babies are very portable, and the experience will help bond you, and make dh feel more in control.

My dh had many happy hours driving the babies too. Dunno why - but the car is like his little cave where he can listen to some music, not tak to anyone he diesn't want to and feel free to go where ever he likes. Babies were lulled by the motion, so good times were had by all,

TGS, I remember a girlfriend inviting us away for a weekend, we were both couples with our first babies.

After the weekend I sadi thank you it was a great weekend ( we had stayed in their holiday cottage in Devon) and she said no the pleasure was all mine - my dh realised with much {blush] how little he did with our dd and after seeing your dh do lots of hands on has completly changed....

A mother may be able to provide food, but a father can aswell if the milk is expressed and he can provide a clean bum, security and love.

Well, I think sometimes men get better as babies get bigger, so try not to despair too much.

Apparently when I was newborn, my dad really did think they had made a misstake- he thought I was awful!! Boring, noisy, no real asset to have around, it seems. Fast forward a couple of months and he was the most hands-on dad you can imagine. As soon as I became "interesting" he couldn't get enough of me, and we have a great relationship to this day.

I think a lot of guys feel a bit like this. Women have some weird hormone thing which allows us to love the noisy, uninteresting, smelly, red-faced little thing in those first few weeks, men don't. Don't give up on your man just yet. It's very hard when you are both sleep deprived and you feel like you should be doing this "together", but sometimes I've found it works best if each partner plays to their strengths. DH isn't all that keen on doing the dressing/ bathing/ nappies when they are really tiny, but will happily hoover/ make the dinner/ take the older kids to the park. I think you really have to muddle through these first few months as best you can until you both find your feet. try to rediscover your respective senses of humour- if you can laugh at it it doesn't feel so bad. Good luck- it really is early days

I think... maybe it's hard with a new baby to acknowledge doubts and negative feelings, and possibly your DH needs his feelings normalised if he is to work through them. It is hard, when they're so small they are like strangers, and 'just shut up' is something we don't often express but I'm sure most of us have felt. I remember saying to a friend soon after DD's birth, that one of the weirdest things about being a new mum was that I loved DD so much, more than I had ever imagined possible, with such an overwhelming strength of feeling, but that at times I could look at her and feel all that love and still really wish she would just shut up! I love DP, but sometimes he annoys me, but it's ok for me to say that. But with a newborn, you're exhausted, everything's different, it feels as if this is just how it's going to be forever, you're both struggling to come to terms with your new life and your new roles, and yet you're expected to be wholly positive and adoring at all times. And really, that's not easy, and I'm not sure that repressing it helps.

Oh, and, of course, it does get better!

The first weeks are so difficult. There's so much to adjust to both with the baby and your relationship, on top of disturbed sleep/exhaustion.
Apparently many men find it difficult to bond with a new baby as there's no reciprocation, and the baby takes up all of the mother's attention among other things.
DH was similar to your dh when ds was born, especially since whenever he saw ds (after work) it was in the colicky twilight hours.
As ds started responding to the world and people around him, their relationship improved.
And for what it's worth, they are currently both loafing in our bed (ds is now 4), and chatting happily discussing Spongebob and 7 month old dd.
It's important for your dh to know that life with a child will not be like this forever. You didn't do the wrong thing having a baby, and soon he'll be more and more fun to spend time with.
I'm sorry I can't offer practical help, but this tough time WILL pass.
x.

Thank you so much for your responses. Normally I would be much more rational and would tackle this head on but I think I am feeling a bit vunerable and afraid of the answer I may get. I will pluck up the courage to talk to him about it on our own and try and find a way through.

You've known this little person for nearly a year now - he only met him 7weeks ago as that is when it becomes 'real' for most men. The baby is an intruder in your relationship but one he has mixed feelings about. He will love it - he probably already does but a new baby is so hard and it is such a change that he (and you) will be grieving a little for the 'lost' bits of your life. He will be feeling inadequate, scared, tired, overwhelmed - everything you are feeling but without people rarely give the new dad a hug and ask if they are getting enough sleep and how are they.

Kick him out for telling the baby to shut up?? I remember swearing at my much loved DS when at 6weeks he wouldn't settle and bit me with his gums when feeding (again). I passed him to DH, walked out, calmed down then burst into tears and cuddled him apologising for being snappy when I knew he was trying. I would never have hurt him and I adored him - but a newborn is very very hard work.

One thing I found with DH is that I always tell him he isn't doing it right, he isn't holding him how he likes, the nappy wasn't on right, it was the wrong babygro if he cried for a second longer than he would with me I used to take him back and soothe him myself which helped noone. Things got better for all three of us when I started praising DH for the things he did do right and biting my tongue. The more I said how good he was with DS the better he became, the more I said how much DS calmed better with DH the calmer DH got and then the calmer DS got! Talking later on it seems that showing him I had confidence in him helped him have confidence in himself.

Is there anyway you could have a bit of time out together? walking the baby in the park and stopping at the cafe for coffee if nothing else to give you time to talk and acknowledge how hard it is for both of you without blame and looking to the future not the past?

I don't know if this is possible given money etc. but we went away on holiday as a family when our DS was 10 weeks old. We'd planned it before he was born and in retrospect it was one of the best things we did in those early weeks. DH had the time to really get to know DS as he had more than just the weekend to spend with him. Plus I was less exhausted having DH there to help out a bit so I actually started to feel more like myself so it was good for our relationship too. I think we all came back feeling much more of a family, and I really noticed how DH was much more comfortable looking after DS on his own when we were back and how he enjoyed playing with him much more. We had 2 weeks away, but I think even 4 or 5 consecutive days together as a family could help.

On the 'shut up' thing: I used to say "just shut up" to my DS sometimes in the early weeks. I was pleading with him rather than shouting at him. My DH had one night where he shouted at the baby to shut up when he was about 6 weeks old. DH later apologised to me for it and told me he felt so ashamed. Maybe your DH feels the same for saying it, and maybe he is saying it out of frustration with himself (for not being able to settled the baby) rather than frustration and anger with the baby IYSWIM. Perhaps you need to talk through that with him gently to make him understand why it upsets you and to find out if you can help him.

I don't think this is unusual at this age -- there doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to what your baby does and often it can seem that you've done everything and your baby is still crying, which can be very frustrating if you have the mindset that you ought to be able to fix things. There's an old thread somewhere on MN of "the worst thing you've said to/shouted at an uncomprehending newborn baby when at the end of your tether" and there's a lot worse stuff than "shut up" on it.

By the time your DS gets to three or four months he'll be far more predictable in his reactions and easier to settle, and your DH will get far less frustrated.