Really worried we did the wrong thing having a baby

[Lozza70]

DS is 7 weeks old and I'm really worried about DH. He does not seem to be coping with what I think is the normal crying and grizzling of a baby. He says he is pissed off and when he has DS for a short while and cannot get him to settle I hear him saying 'just shut up'. I don't think he would do anything silly to DS but how do I get him to realise that DS can only communicate through crying at the moment? Also he is starting to take off out of the house at any opportunity and I feel like all the care is falling on my shoulders and I am exhausted. I just want to cry at the thought that DS is not loved by his daddy

Heading out of house leaving you in the lurch is not on, though -- he needs to take equal responsibility or his baby even if he feels out of his depth. He's not going to become more confident dealing with your DS if he's never around.

Here's that old thread (although some recent post deletions mean that it no longer makes as much sense as it once did).

Oh yes, thats an excellent thread P&L has linked to - helps to know others feel just as desperate as you/your dh do.
The worst thing is feeling that no decent parent would feel angry, resentful towards a tiny baby, that you are a crap person and your baby would be better off without you because you sometimes cant say anything except WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!
It WILL pass, the shock goes, life changes and you all adapt to a new way of living. It will get better.
To the poster/s who think this mans behaviour makes him a bad person or that he should be chucked out(!), just be grateful that you are unable to recognise these feelings, but dont kid yourself that because no one admits to it that its not really, really common.

Also, this recent thread is really comforting if you found/are finding it tough.

Hi Lozza70, I think some of the other posters are a bit harsh! My DH found it really difficult when our DS was born... He cried a lot and it was so difficult to try and work out what he wanted. BF-ing was seriously difficult for me and I was so exhausted and we had some serious rows. He was a bit like your DH, he couldn't stop the baby crying and felt useless and he would then shout at DS as well. We've been together for 7 years before that (married for 5) and nothing strained our marriage like the birth of our DS. Things were very rocky for a while...

But I know deep in my heart that DH was only reacting as he found it very difficult to cope with all the changes that no one prepares you for. Everyone thinks that this cute little bundle of joy will come along and everything will be better when in fact, nothing is further from the truth. You have this screaming baby on your hand that is completely dependent on you. You can't cope, your DH can't cope and there isn't really anyone who can come and make it all better. I don't know how we made it through that first few months. I seriously don't. I was too exhausted to plan a trip to the corner shop, let alone leaving DH. Ha ha. It never came to that but our relationship was very strained for a while.

DS is now 8.5 months old and such a character and DH tells me everyday now how wonderful he thinks DS is. DH still finds it hard to cope with the sleepless nights when it happens but we are coping a million times better than before. Time really does make everything better. I use to find myself just thinking ahead to the next month... And having gone through all that, I think our relationship is stronger than before. Don't let it break you or your relationship, this is a seriously tough time and some people do find it harder to deal with than others. Don't forget that we have had 9 months to nurture and grow this LO while your DH has probably been a bit disconnected from it all and hence is suffering from double the shock! If you are able to cope with settling the baby, do so yourself and set your DH little tasks (such as housework!) to do. You do what you can to cope okay? Things will get better!

I was your DH and my DH was marvelous. If I could have turned the clock back and not had her I would have. Those first weeks are so hard, you dont know what you're doing, but at least women are supposed to have the maternal instinct - Ha! I didnt. I was wound up and my DH was calm and relaxed and kept me going.

It's a trying time. Try to do stuff with the baby together, baths, bedtime etc. Even reading it a story while it snuffles around. In no time he'll be besotted.

Babies are huge things to get used to.

Soon your baby will bring you no end of joy watching it learn new things every day.

This will pass

My dh was a bit like this after dd was born. We had ds, they had a close bond, he admitted he wasn't that keen on the idea of a daughter. She was a good sleeper from the start but there was still new born nightwakings, crying, a touch of colic etc...

He said it all changed for him when I got a bit upset (sad upset not angry upset) and said how sad it was that he didn't really like her because she loved him: he was her second favourite person in the whole world.

He's commented several times how that comment really made him change his thinking and now (happy ending natch ) she's two "daddy's litle princess". It still comes up sometimes... "I can't believe I didn't want a girl!".

It's more than likely your dh is just adjusting to his new life and role with it's responsibilites and restrictions. You've had lots of good advice. Many relationships go through this kind of thing after children. I threatened my dh with divorce many times post-babies for being so rubbish. Once the baby sleeps through and new roles are defined things will shake down.

Hang on in there.

Once again thanks so much for the words of advice and links to threads where others have felt the same/been through the same things. It really has helped me see I'm not on my own with this.

Today has been much better and I have tried to encourage DH when he has done some things with DS today. He even did the drying, massage, dressing post DS's bath and it was good to see them having a cuddle. I will need to speak to him about how he feels and how this has made me feel but it is a first step.

KilLf has excellent suggestions. It's about finding ways that makes the whole thing easier for him to handle.