For co-sleepers - questions

[Jacksmama]

We have an 8 1/2 month old DS who co-sleeps with us. We think it's a lovely arrangement and is working well for all of us. We didn't have a preference either way before he was born (co-sleeping or crib-sleeping), rather, we drifted into it because his birth was horrid and I wasn't too mobile at all after, in fact, needed help to get out of the bed to go wee at night so getting up several times a night to feed and change wasn't an option for us so we drifted into co-sleeping and love it, because we all get to cuddle and also because I'm still breast-feeding and so don't have to get up a million times a night now. It's like the self-service petrol station in our bed... DS half-wakes, pecks at me until I half-wake, roll over, he latches on (still mostly asleep), pops off when satisfied and goes back to sleep, as do I. We all get brilliant sleeps.
So I'd like to as how any of you other co-sleepers (and I know you're out there ) decided to or drifted into co-sleeping, and what do you love about it? For that matter, is there anything you don't like about it?

been co-sleeping for 4 years. Wish she wouldn't snore

Ditto everything you said.

I love the convenience. It's easy to breastfeed and also easy to 'settle' a cosleeping baby. Both my 2 hated moses baskets/cots - I was told to leave them to scream and they'd get used to it but never had the stomach for it.

I also love the closeness. It's better when they're a bit older and can consciously cuddle up to you. Ds1 is 4 now and usually sleeps happily in his own bed but still comes in with me from time to time. It helps that my DP works away a lot iyswim otherwise we'd be a bit cramped.

Downside? It can have a negative impact on your sex life!

A lot of people I know cosleep but dont admit it otherwise they get hassled by well meaning mums/HVs.

I didn't intend to co-sleep but had a CS. The first time I tried to get into/ out of bed holding DD I realised how high our bed is and it hurt. It was easier to just take her in with me.

The only thing I don't like is the 30 min nuzzling at 7am when I'm supposed to be getting up

I never breast fed (don;t want to go into WHY!! but that was a choice I made) and still co slept from day 1. I also had a difficult birth - should dystocia followed by extended 3rd degree tear.

The first night we had DS at home he woke up crying (what a surprise!) and was freezing cold! So we put him in our bed and while there have been times where we have been fed up with not having our own bed, we know that he is happiest when cuddling up with us. And we are not disturbed as often at night.

DS is now 4 and has had his own bed for some time now but until about a month ago, he woke up every night and every night came into our bed. Lately he has been sleeping through and comes to us at about 7am or so.

There will be a time in DS's life when the thought of sleeping in our bed with us makes him uncomfortable and probably nauseous at the thought! Until then, we love it, he loves it and we all get more or less enough sleep.

(Not all bliss though - when you find you want to some of your sex life back again if you are not there yet - it does get tricky; and no! we DO NOT do the deed while co sleeping )

Drifted...and still drifting....
Dd moved into my bed permanently when she was 10 weeks old...she's now 5..... Dad sleeps in spare room....
I just love that snuggly-ness and that we don't need to be looking at (usually revolting and tacky) kids' bedroom furniture...She says every so often that she'll move into her own room when she's 6...mind, she said 5 and before that she said 4 and a half.....
I do the sex thang on the sofa or in dh's single bed......or the kitchen table if it's had a scrub.......
I reckon a lot more people co-sleep than we think.....I'm always telling people I do, then they'll say "oh, yes, so do we" but you kind of get the feeling if you hadn't mentioned it first, they wouldn't have....
I was going to be a GF mother but dd knocked that out of me pdq. (thank Christ)

With DS1 I had a crib, but when I moved him back after feeding he would cry. So I kept him in with me. I was only 19 and knew nothing of c-sleeping/attachment parenting so I kept it quiet thinking it was very wrong! I just did what felt natural to me. I found the Unicef leaflet a month or so later and was chuffed to see I was naturally doing the position etc. anyway He stayed in the bed until about 12 months, then was in a bedside cot until well over 2. He is now in his own room by his choice but I still find him tucked in with me from time to time at 2am! With DS2 he was in with me straight away. He sleeps like an angel in his moses basket (which I leave in the living room) but I still have him in with me (even though I can obviously move the moses basket). I was shocked because he has pretty much slept through (well, 11pm ish to 5am) from his early days. Even when I move him from the moses basket when I go to bed he just snuggles in and drifts back off without wanting a comfort feed I assumed from DS1s constant feeding it was the co-sleeping, but it just shows (to me anyway) it doesn't make them not sleep. I love love love sleeping with the DSs , it means I can kiss their foreheads whenever I like! Or hold his hand... or have a little cuddle... He doesn't ven have to cry for a feed either, he sort of snuffles until I roll into position. He is so patient. Waffling on now! Love co-sleeping

drifting here... DS (8 weeks) starts the night in his basket by his bed but pretty much always ends up in with us. it's too cold to keep getting in and out of bed at the moment! i love waking up to his milky smell and squashy cheeks

one question though: for those feeding lying down, how do you resolve the winding issue? my DS is a guzzler and gets awful trapped wind, but hauling myself upright to wind him kind of spoils the sleepy vibe...

I also part co-sleep - dd starts off in her cot around 8pm, and then when she wakes around 11 I bring her in with us until we get up at 5am - her choice of time, not mine!!!
She's almost 9mths now, and i know its way into the future, but how are you supposed to toilet train if they are in your bed? Do you have those pee pads on your own bed?! I really dont want her weeing our bed, i'd rather she be in her own bed by then if there is to be any wee!! Has anyone else had experience of this? I know there are all kinds of night pants etc, but they've got to go at some point...

I drifted into co-sleeping with DS1 purely because I fell asleep feeding him so much so it was easier to have him safe with us than me trying to sit up and feed him.
With DS2 we started off sleeping side-car, his cot was attached to our bed, and he gradually got more and more into our bed. I put him in his own room in his own cot about 6 weeks ago though when I moved house because I found I was sleeping terribly and he wasn't sleeping great either, as soon as myself or DP stirred he'd wake and feed (which didn't bother me) but I found it harder and harder to sleep with him feeding.

bucharest What's a GF mother? I don't live in England so I don't know what it means.

cyteen I know what you mean about burping DS at night - he'd get quite cranky if not burped after a sleep-feed... so what I started doing is, I stayed side-lying, and pulled him up into a sort-of sitting position and draped him (face-down, sort of) over my hip and patted his back... MASSIVE BURP... laid him down again... zzzzzzzzzzzz

And yes IKWYM about telling people that we co-sleep with DS... at which point more people than not admit that they do, too... why is co-sleeping considered so wrong by some???? People really get their knickers in a twist about it!!

ooh good tip Jacksmama, must try that one!

cyteen I make sure dd is VERY well winded at the start of the night. Upright for at least 40 mins, and then don't bother in the night. She wriggles a bit but it passes, and usually ends in a bottom burp hours later.

ah, see DS gets even more distressed if it turns into farting we get woken up by lots of UUUUHHHHHNNNNNNNNGGGGGG noises, followed by pained squealing!

Falling asleep next to the two people I love most in the World!

and...

Waking up next to the two people I love most in the World!

I never meant to co sleep either. I thought babies just slept in cots. Then I met DS and he had other ideas so he slept with me until...last night I am 33 weeks pregnant and just can't cope with the kicking and constant demands for cuddles in the night. DS has just turned two.

So last night I moved back into my own bed in my own bedroom, having previously slept with DS and DH in a double bed in DS new bedroom. DS screamed and sobbed for an hour at 1am but after that slept well just with his daddy. I hardly slept a wink because I missed them both so much but I can't sleep with them any more and once the baby is born it will be impossible and unsafe. I will probably co sleep with the new baby too but we are getting the crib out just in case this one likes it!

Oh this parenting lark is hard in ways you would never foresee

We co-slept with the first until she was two or three, I think. It was her choice to move to her own bed anyway.

We're co-sleeping with the second now and wouldn't have it any other way. Everyone gets a good night's sleep and babies are so lovely to cuddle up with.

With the first one it just sort of happened as an extension of attempts to breastfeed, and it worked so well she never used the cot. For the second we never even considered doing anything else despite kind friends trying to pass on cots "just in case".

It makes me sad when people say:
"I would love to do that but I would be so scared I wouldn't sleep a wink." They don't know what they're missing.

Downsides - well I've never seen my husband move so fast as the night the first baby woke him out of a beautiful sleep by vomiting in his ear! Still, better than the risk of her choking on her vomit in a lonely cot.

We do have a mattress protector under the bottom sheet in case of leaky nappies but it is very rare, especially with cloth nappies. I think the first still used night nappies by the time she went into her own bed although she was nappy-free in the day time.

Some people do think we are mad hippies but we are not the ones with bags under our eyes.

I co-sleep with DS (3)

He sometimes wakes up in the night, shuffles over and snuggles up and whispers, "Mummy, I love you, I'm giving you a hug"

I love it (cosleeping, obviously, I love him)!

WARNING: serious rant starting!!
I just posted this on the "mystery of the lost shoes and trousers" thread but no-one seems to be home and I need a hug and I hope to get some support from fellow co-sleepers.
JM takes a deep breath and hopes not to get too many shocked and horrified exclamations: I hate The Baby-Whisperer and would like to shove sharp pointy objects under her fingernails!!!
Here's why:
Over the weekend, I had a "friend" over, and while we were chatting over coffee, DS needed to nurse and nap so I popped him on my lap, nursed him and then left him there comfortably snoozing when he fell asleep. After about 15 mins, my " friend" asked "aren't you going to put him in his crib?". I said "nah, he's fine where he is". She raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything else. (I should mention she's a bit older than me and has several grown children, while I am in my late thirties and my DS is 8 1/2 months old.) A few minutes later he half-woke, fussed a little and calmed down again when I let him nurse again. A few minutes later my "friend" asked again if I was going to put him in his crib to sleep. I said no, his favourite place to take a nap was my lap, and he needed to have a good sleep because he'd missed his morning nap because we were out running errands. She asked me why we had to run errands during his scheduled nap time. (Perhaps that should have been my warning.) I explained that he didn't have a scheduled nap time, that he usually napped roughly between x and y a.m. and x and y p.m., or earlier or later if he wasn't tired yet. She announced "he needs to be on a schedule!!" I replied (getting a bit irritated at this point) that a rigid schedule didn't work well for either him or us, that we have a rather casual routine but that being flexible works quite well for us. She asked what time he goes to bed at night. I said, getting really quite irritated now, that we try to do the bath, rocking to lullabies, bed thing between x and y p.m., but that if he fell asleep on the couch with us in the evening, we just leave him to sleep and then take him to bed with us when we go to bed. At the mention of co-sleeping she looked shocked and uttered in horrified accents, "he doesn't sleep in his crib??" I think at this point I should have told her to sod off, because the interrogation was getting on my nerves, but I replied, "no, he's still nursing at night, and we prefer it this way". Another pronouncement: "he should be on solids and should be sleeping through the night!!" Keeping my calm with a heroic effort (because at this point she was needling some points I feel insecure about), I said, "well, everyone does what works for them, and he's clearly thriving on breast milk". She was quiet for several moments and then said: "honey, I don't mean to hurt your feelings but you're a perfect example of what the Baby Whisperer calls accidental parenting."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I asked her to explain what she meant, and she did - I did get that this was not a compliment but didn't know the specifics of what TBW is all about. She must have realized that she'd been a bit insulting but we glossed over it and she left soon after. I immediately Googled TBW and found out what she'd meant. I'm so angry!! Bloody cow!!! We are doing what works for us, how dare she criticize how I'm bringing up DS??? I was so angry I cried.
Okay, I'm done venting.
Has this happened to anyone else???? I mean, parents or p-i-l's or friends telling you what to do with your child? Is there any graceful way to handle this?? Should I have told her where to head in??
Sorry about the long rant. This probably does belong on AIBU... but I need someone to pat my back and tell me that I'm doing fine and send me a hug.

JM

I am of the 'each to their own' and 'do whatever works for you' school of parenting and I hate when other people wax lyrical about how you should be doing it.

Just ignore her. If what you are doing works for you then you are doing the right thing.

We co-slept for a while, but mostly unsuccessfully. We sort of deliberately drifted into it - having said I'd never be able to (but being sensibly laughed at by SIL) I started reading and at some point (a few weeks) made a choice to do it (3 in a bed is a great book).
At first DS was too windy and would wake up horribly uncomfortable in the middle of the night and be really hard to settle. Then it worked for a while, but somehow it got uncomfortable, and DS started waking properly too - so on top of the backache, DS and I were both shattered. DS has been in his own room now for 3 months, and although we're all sleeping better, I can't help wondering if it would work better now he can crawl (the idea being he'd essentially help himself). We can't go back now though, but I'd try again with another.

Anyway, the point of this is that I wish I were still doing it. Its what I decided I wanted when I had my (PFB) DS, and I was gutted that it didn't work (particularly as I've got the rest of the AP / 'hippy parenting' stuff down wonderfully - BF, BLW, babywearing, cloth nappies)

Sometimes I wish DS was just there to check on rather than next door, but I know he sleeps better, and I definitely sleep better, but I'm just a bit sad about it all :-

We drifted into it with DS at around 4 weeks because we weren't getting much sleep otherwise. With DD we did it from birth, although in a "see how it goes" basis.

Jacksmama -- I would be inclined to have said something like "I appreciate that the Baby Whisperer disagrees with my approach. I could name you at least three baby gurus of the top of my head (*) who disagree with your approach. But raising children isn't about quoting books at each other, it's about what works for each family. And if you butt out and stop quoting your books at me, I won't quote mine at you"

(*)[Deborah Jackson, Jean Liedloff, Dr Sears, just in case she asks]

Oooh GTAL, thanks for the names so I can quote them. That's brilliant!!!!