22 mo hates grandparents, I have left her crying with them, what should I have done?

[EBenes]

DD sees my parents all the time because they live close and I can't afford childcare and she loves them. The last time she saw my pil's was 4 months ago - they are welcome to come any time, but live 5 hours away and don't come more, they ask us to go down, but we don't have a car and I've been complicatedly pregnant, requiring lots of scans and dh has had a big workload all summer. They've asked if we can leave dd down with them for a few days.

Yesterday when they came in, she wouldn't stop crying and hid. This morning more of the same. My mil said we should take her to the park as normal and I should peel off, so I did. I wanted to say goodbye, I love you - because I read it was bad to just leave them in things like playgroup so they'd see you'd disappeared and not trust you and be anxious forever after.

So:

1. have I just scarred her for life?

2. and made her hate me?

3. should I keep doing this while they're here - for the next 4 days?

She's never been left with anyone apart from my parents - although the last time the pils were here she went out for the day with them and they said she was very happy and chatty, and fil made her cry when she was with me, he is very loud, but I believe them.

I feel very guilty, it must be awful for them to make her cry. But I feel sad and anxious about just leaving her.

god calm down .. she's acting like a toddler, she'll be fine as soon as she's distracted

You haven't scarred her for life.

She won't hate you.

I don't think leaving her with them without saying goodbye is a long term way of strengthening her relationship with them, though.

She doesn't 'hate' them, she just see them that often - they aren't familiar.

If they are around for 4 days, they should build things up gradually. First day - spend lots of time all together as a family, encouraging DD to interact with PILs. Second day - let them 'have her' while you cook dinner, do something in house etc. Third day - go to the shops and leave her at home with them for an hour. etc etc.

sorry, should have said in 4th sentence down 'she doesn't see them that often'

I sympathise - I had to leave my dd with my PiLs when she was about a year old when my childminder went on holiday.

Because they live 200 miles away, we only see them for a weekend every couple of months or so, so she didn't know them really.

However, after a couple of days with them, she did settle down and was happy.

I would definitely say 'goodbye, see you later' to her, but then leave and not look back.

You haven't scarred her for life! She may still cry when you leave but will almost definitely stop shortly after you go.

It si hard, I hope this helps. Congratulations on your pregnancy, good luck!

"god calm down .. she's acting like a toddler, she'll be fine as soon as she's distracted "

Thank you, I needed that!

Leaving her with them was my mil's idea and she said I'd make her hysterical if I said I was going, so I didn't. They think the gradual approach won't work and she should be Stockholm syndromed into accepting them.

But yes, she gets that hysterical sometimes if I take away something she's playing with, so you're dead right, the chances are she's about as scarred by this as that. Okay, apologies for being insane.

I doubt she hates them, it is more likely that she doesn't want to leave you.

Oh god, that is just going to make you feel worse, isn't it?

But it is a STAGE! Nothing to feel guilty about, she will learn that it is ok to be apart from you and that you always come back.

No you haven't scarred her for life
no she won't hate you
should you keep doing it? I don't know, she doesn't know them very well, so maybe it's too soon to be alone with them for long periods, perhaps doing fun stuff with you and them might be more comfy for her at first and then go off for 15 minutes/half an hour? If she is to go and stay with them, it might be best if she is more familiar with them first, but maybe associates them with fun, not with crying, iyswim.

They should bring her treats and toys! That tends to work

If she doesn't see them for months on end, it's a bit much to expect her to be comfy and happy to be left with them, you need to build up to that, I think.

It's weird how much she hates my fil. She's normal with everyone else who comes in the door but when he does, she screams and screams and hides. I'm wondering if he accidentally traumatised her the last time they were down and she remembers. It's such a freak reaction.

If you could be a "fly on the wall", I'm sure you'd see she is now ok and enjoying herself,with her doting grandparents.

IMO all toddlers can be like this,and 5 minutes after you have left they are fine.
They also play up to you when you are there too.

I definitely would always say goodbye in future,despite what other well meaning other people say,better for them to associate and remember the "Goodbye" bit,with you returning,like you said you would IYSWIM.

You will feel anxious and sad,aren't we strange,we long for "Childfree time" and when we get it we spend the time fretting...

It does get easier though.Perhaps give her a ring,speak to MIL first and get an account of her day,and then speak to DD,she'll love it,and make her feel closer to you.

I wouldn't have left my DD crying with my POLs unless it was for a very short unavoidable babysit (this happened a total of about 3 times).

She took a very long time to "warm" to her paternal grandparents, and I cannot honestly say that she is fond of her paternal grandmother. Last time we were at POLs place, DD was much keener to kiss the cook ("I love that lady") than to kiss her grandmother .

I disagree that you should disappear without saying - that makes a child very anxious. They fear you will disappear at any moment and it can make them more clingy! imo, it would be better to say mummy is going out for a minute, I will be back soon, see you in a minute.

Yes she will cry, but she will see that you come back and she will learn that mummy doesn't vanish, mummy says she will be back soon and she is. If you vanish, she will cling to your leg forever more, in case you vanish again!

I disagree too! But I've gone and done it!

Thanks for the reassurance, though. Her dad will be back at about 3 and will take over bridging the gap, and they won't want to get rid of him the way they do me!

Totally agree with Hecate. Saying 'goodbye, Mummy will be back in a while' is a better way of departing but as you say, it's done now! I'm sure she'll be fine. When I nannied children of this age would often cry when their parents left but would be fine in a few minutes and then often cry when their parents returned! Enjoy the break!

She won't be scarred for life, Mrs M's advice makes most sense to me. ds (17 months) sees my dad a lot because he lives nearby and we meet a couple of times a week since ds was around basically. My mum is much further away and it's taken time but now he's ok with being taken out by her for an hour or so.

I think it might have been easier since he started going to a childminder full time weekdays, he doesn't see being left by his parents as anything scary now as we say goodbye and wave and he knows he'll see us again soon.

I think it's a bit unrealistic of your PILs to expect you to disappear so they get your child to themselves though. Is dd picking up tensions between you?

I hope not! We have definitely been mean by not going to visit them in the last 4 months, but every weekend seemed to get taken up, either by us or them. I think they just think she will obviously play up when I'm there, but realise that they're lovely when she's made to talk to them. I really hope that happens, but as I say, her reaction to fil is pretty insane and nothing like she is with strangers.

Personally I'm very much of the opinion with my DD that we do things at her pace. If I'd had no choice then I'd leave her with my parents (who she sees infrequently) however, she'd willinglly go with them now as we've built up their / her trust with us being around. I'd also never leave without saying goodbye else she'll be anticipating you just popping off at any given opportunity.

So have you left her to spend the night with them? (It says they want to have her for a couple of days in the opening paragraph) I wouldn't be happy about doing that unless the relationship was stronger. But that's just me, I'm a wuss like that.

My DD (2) see's my PIL every other week as she goes to them when I work. However she cries and screams each time I leave her with MIL. She likes FIL and is more than happy to go play with him, but will not go and give MIL a hug or kiss or anything. I put it down to the fact that MIL can't get down on the floor and play with her as she has arthritis, but then again she could be picking up that I'm not totally "pally" with MIL as should be I'm a nasty mum and just kiss her goodbye and leave.

EBenes, doesn't have to be anything weird about your FIL. My Mum was terrified of her uncle for years and years, despite the fact that he was the gentlest man imaginable and certainly never did anything to upset her. It was his looks.

When I was little, I was also terrified of him. Poor man, he just looked a bit unusual.

Was also frightened of anyone with a beard, and generally more wary of men than of women. I think that's fairly normal.

my neice couldn't stand my dad (her grandad) when she was about 2.. was really scared of him.. all the other grandkids LOVE him as he is lots of fun so her reaction baffled us all.. anyway suffice to say she grew out of it and now age 4 loves him as much as the others do.. am sure you will find the same

I wouldn't leave my dd, and my DH has never let her spend the day with either GPs alone...that's just the way we are...and DH never wants a break from her

oh but now she doesn't like my uncle (her granduncle) , when I ask why, she says it is because he has a beard

I'm sure she'll be fine - I have "peeled off without saying goodbye" for all 3 of my DS's - until they got to an age where they were telling me to "go away I'm playing now mummy"

Don't seemed to be scarred by it - and I didn't always sneak off without them noticing - actually I think they only ever really noticed when I came back and decided they'd "missed" me - despite knowing they'd had a fabulous time and hadn't pined for me once

She will prob cry when you pick her up, she will want to stay,fickle little things

"So have you left her to spend the night with them? (It says they want to have her for a couple of days in the opening paragraph)"

No, I haven't done that - they're staying with us over the weekend, came yesterday. They'll all be back in a few hours, and I have sat down to read these posts with a piece of cake and feel a lot more sensible now. Interesting that children just take against certain people for no reason! I think it's probably best to be more sensitive of their feelings now, rather than dd's, because (thanks FAQ!) she will, again, know she is loved and feel fine later. Thanks everyone!

you can rest assured that is she isn't calm within 5 mins they'll be heading back to yours anyway ... no grandparent wants to spend time with a hysterical toddler.. they want the happy laughing playing type

which is the type she will be