22 mo hates grandparents, I have left her crying with them, what should I have done?

[EBenes]

DD sees my parents all the time because they live close and I can't afford childcare and she loves them. The last time she saw my pil's was 4 months ago - they are welcome to come any time, but live 5 hours away and don't come more, they ask us to go down, but we don't have a car and I've been complicatedly pregnant, requiring lots of scans and dh has had a big workload all summer. They've asked if we can leave dd down with them for a few days.

Yesterday when they came in, she wouldn't stop crying and hid. This morning more of the same. My mil said we should take her to the park as normal and I should peel off, so I did. I wanted to say goodbye, I love you - because I read it was bad to just leave them in things like playgroup so they'd see you'd disappeared and not trust you and be anxious forever after.

So:

1. have I just scarred her for life?

2. and made her hate me?

3. should I keep doing this while they're here - for the next 4 days?

She's never been left with anyone apart from my parents - although the last time the pils were here she went out for the day with them and they said she was very happy and chatty, and fil made her cry when she was with me, he is very loud, but I believe them.

I feel very guilty, it must be awful for them to make her cry. But I feel sad and anxious about just leaving her.

1. No, you haven't scarred her at all.
2. No, she will not hate you.
3. Yes, keep doing it, get a break, your dd will be fine.

You are leaving her with grandparents, lady, not with Mr Wolf.

One thing you do have to respect them for is being honest. They could have said she stopped crying after 2 mins and ate all her lunch!

I sometimes find that it helps to be quite assertive. So tomorrow for instance you could say 'DD and I are going to the library and a cafe, we'd love it if you came' thus avoiding the whole 'we want to go on our own thing'. If they then say something about being on their own it looks rude!

I also thing that if your DH can be around and show physical closeness with his parents, hugs and kisses it can help alot. My DD initially had a similar prob with my ILs (who are lovely but a bit far away), so I had to keep reminding my DH to be physically close to my MIL/FIL.

I'm sure if you do a few things together it would ease her into staying on her own with them quite happily. My 20 month old is more than happy to go off with my mother now but for quite a while she met us in town or came for lunch. I realised he hardly knew her at around a year so we made more effort to get together.

and she is his only gp so I really wanted them to have a good relationship even if we didn't!

Well, I asked my dh to intervene, but they've asked if they can go off alone tomorrow and he said that would be great. So I'm a bit cross, and like many posters finding it hard to understand why they don't even want him, their son, with them and it has to be all about spending time alone with her. I can't fight if he won't - what I can do tomorrow is pack the best bag full of blankets and fruit and sandwiches and drinks and toys and make sure dd has everything she could want. But it's cold and five hours is a long time and she won't sleep properly again. But agree with posters who have said they're not the wolf. I know I am overprotective, but I also know that she can be sad and scared and this hasn't happened much to her, so is weird.

Sod that!! Sorry but you are her mummy! She WANTS you and if there's not a good reason then why you shouldn't you be there?

Serioulsy - this is not just your DH's decision to make, why are you not allowed to state your opinion?
Do you want her to have another day crying and not eating her lunch?

What do you mean you can't fight if he won't? If you don't want her to go tomorrrow then say no, if you think she will be upset and you'd rather she didn't go then say so. Your dd only has you to speak up for her.

If, however, you are happy with the deep end get used to them quick approach, and you want the time to yourself and so on then go ahead with it, but not just because they 'want' time with her on their own despite her bing upset about it. She's just a baby.

You are not being overprotective. There isn't actually any need for your dd to be this upset, you can do some stuff all of you together for a bit if you are not happy with it.

Well, I don't want to start a fight, and she will be fine, even if she's unhappy. They hardly ever see her and my parents get to see so much of her that I feel very guilty all the time - dinner tonight was spent talking about how sad it is that they never get to see her. And there is no subtle way of contradicting them when they believe she got used to them and had a lovely time and is now all set up to have an even lovelier time tomorrow. So, dd takes one for the team. I feel horrible and guilty about making her, but I know dh wouldn't let any harm come to her, and really, nothing bad will happen. But tomorrow I will tell her I won't be going and that I'll see her later and that I love her.

I'm finding it odd tbh. no way I'd let my mil do this and I can't see her lining up to ask either. why can' they wait a year or so til she's more than happy to spend time with them alone? If my mil lived locally and dd knew her well, of course it would be different, but like you, they don't see too much of each other. in a few months time she'll have forgotten who they are in any case so it's not like it's a useful bonding exercise. can you just tell them what you're doing tomorrow and invite them along?

It's too late - they asked, dh said fine, I would have had to come up with reasons and the reasons would have been insulting to them, because they think today was fantastic. I'm really not happy about it, but I think for family harmony I have to go along with it.

'dd takes one for the team' . It didn't sound from your earlier post that she had a lovely time. And you say she will be fine even if she's unhappy in the same post as saying she will having a lovelier time tomorrow.

I don't see why it should be a fight. They sound a bit odd to me, insisting on having time with her without you and making you feel guilty, I think they are being quite selfish.

You are not saying they can't see her though. You are saying that seen as she cried for such a long time you would rather do something all together. This is not unreasonable.

I had to put my foot down a LOT with my late MIL. I don't regret this. She was often unreasonable. Occasionaly this disrupted family harmony as I decided what was best for my children.

Well, maybe she will be better tommorrow. As someone else said, at least she did tell you how unhappy she was.

What I think I'm going to do is force dh to set off with them and say he wants to chat to his parents and show them something. (He has, irritatingly, given them a map). He can leave them when she seems fine.

Surely they want her to be happy and if that means you come too while she gets used to them, then so be it?

This is not about putting your PIL's feelings before your LO - they are adults who can rationalise, she is a baby.

Go with your instincts, insist there is no point forcing her if it upsets her so much and that it is best if the relationship develops at a pace that suits your DD rather than PIL's.

Interestingly, like quite a few other posters here I was also terrified of my uncle, he never did anything to hurt/upset me but just the mention of his name had me crying. When he actually came round I hid under the table, behind the sofa etc - crying and shaking and hanging onto the family dog begging him to protect me (aged 3 this was, I remember it well) I was only 2 when this started and one day my mum had to tell my uncle to leave the house as I was virtually hysterical about him being there. Sometimes kids do irrationally take against family members and it needs a bit of sensitive handling.

Have talked with dh. He isn't budging. He says his dad has obviously decided that dd will cling to him (dh) if he is there (which is true) and the only way of making her like him (fil) is MAKING her like him. I'm afraid that almost certainly is their attitude, and they don't feel they have the luxury of slowly and gently getting to know her.

I'm sorry to have gone on so long about this, so will stop now. Thank you for all your replies, which have put everything in perspective - both the ones that think I'm a bit crazy and the ones that think I'm not really being kind enough to my dd. I think in the end it is best to stay friendly with the pils, because I know their attitude very well and they will not be budged without being offended. They insult dh's brother's wife's parenting all the time, and are very easily offended and quick to judge. And because they get the worst in-law deal out of my parents and them, I will do what they want.

Stop being so bloody downtrodden, your children have you as their advocate and noone else....DH sounds like a bloody mouse too.

Sounds like your PILs are bullies and I can't think that they'd be any other way with your dd..... you must love the swing, you must give GD a kiss, stop crying etc. By allowing them to push and manipulate you you are setting yourself for a lifetime of this sort of crap. They'll probably think it's alright to give dd food and drinks you loathe or take her places you'd wish her not to go because they know best. If they want their GC to like them then they should be thinking about her not them.

Why are you so afraid of upsetting your pil? They don't seem at all bothered about upsetting you or distressing their gd.
You put your foot down and don't budge. Don't just roll over and let your dd be upset again for 5hrs. That isn't the way for her to get to like her grandparents. All being together and seeing that you are comfortable with her grandparents and them with you is more likely to encourage her to trust them.
Go with your instincts and stand your ground. Surely if your dh sees you mean what you say and that you and his dd are upset with the whole thing he will back you up even if he doesn't entirely agree with you.

That's how bullies operate though EBenes - "they will not be budged without being offended". Everyone then tippy-toes around them to avoid the "offending".

Also, "They insult dh's brother's wife's parenting all the time". You are unfortunately describing your own future too unless you put your foot down now.

There is NOTHING WRONG with you all being out together as a family, and no real need (except it suits them) to have her alone. To be completely honest it sounds like a control/ego thing on their part - she WILL like us because there's nobody else there

Agree with Twelvelegs - don't be so downtrodden and submissive. If you aren't happy with what they propose you have every right to say so as the child's mother.
Best of luck.

Hey, I'm scared of you lot now! I know they have massive arguments with the other daughter in law, really scary ones, and it makes everyone stressed and unhappy. I think they are primarily sad that they can't have the same great relationship with dd that they have with the other grandchildren, who really love them. I have done a lot of things that have made them unhappy, like not having a white wedding and just getting married on our own, haven't taken dh's name, and they are very religious and quite closed-minded and they do judge people, and I think nothing will change them. There are fights I can't win, and I take the cue from dh, who has obviously decided there's no point rocking the boat and making things horrible between us.

The truth is, this morning it was absolutely horrible again, with her saying she didn't want to go out and dh only going with them for 10 mins before they sent him home. We are being wimpy and submissive and we both feel bad, and dh has apologised. But surely some of you have hard to please parents(pils)? When it's so infrequent, I suppose it just seems a more sensible and pleasant way of doing things, not pleasant for dd, but she did come back happy enough yesterday, and I know they will protect and not kill her. But the about-turn they said she did yesterday clearly didn't work the way they said it did, or she'd have not been tearful about going off again today.

And I know, I know, everything you say is right, but some people are people-pleasers, and I'm one of them.

EBenes - I think you are being really admirable, seeing the best in your in-laws, who are clearly difficult people, and doing your best to allow them to have a relationship with your dd. They sound very determined and, as you said earlier, have set themselves this target of having to look after your dd on their own, to build a relationship with her. You clearly feel you have the choice between accommodating them or losing them as part of your daughter's life, and you have tried to accommodate them this time.

I don't think that you are being cowed by them completely, but I think that after today you have every right to say to the In laws that you have given it a good go at letting them take dd out on their own, but for the rest of their stay, you will plan to do things as a family. They can see her, they can play with her, but two days off with strangers, albeit family, is enough for a little person. She may never be as close to them as their other grandchildren, but maybe you, and they, just have to accept that, and to accept that their relationship with this granddaughter will have to grow in its own way, and cannot be forced to be something it isn't. You can follow up the visit with letters and photos and allow them to keep in touch that way - providing you survive the rest of the visit of course!

Very best of luck.

Thanks!

I came back to this thread feeling guilty about my rant and thinking that pils have a rough deal but this is ridiculous! It is just selfish of them and weak of you. You should be protecting your dd from being upset, even if it is her gps doing it. At the very least you should insist that they respect her routine and give her a proper nap.

I can't see how they are going to win her love by dragging her away from her mother either.

And you might as well reconcile yourself to being criticised - they sound like the sort of people who will criticise you regardless. The only way to neutralise that is to show that you are not going to let their comments sway you.

I'm sorry but despite your insistence that your PILs are really nice people, you haven't mentioned much in their behaviour that sounds very nice at all. They sound like controlling bullies and I think your dd is probably spot on if she doesn't like them. Perhaps she is right and you are wrong, in any case I don't think you will achieve very much by forcing her to spend time with them. You need to stop being pushed around and take control of the situation. Your dd is trying to tell you how she feels and you are ignoring her. If you suspect the reasons she is wary of them is to do with their overbearing attitude, it's up to you to tell them.

Well, I'm a child pleaser and understand that pissing off PILs will not make them insecure as it may your dd.