22 mo hates grandparents, I have left her crying with them, what should I have done?

[EBenes]

DD sees my parents all the time because they live close and I can't afford childcare and she loves them. The last time she saw my pil's was 4 months ago - they are welcome to come any time, but live 5 hours away and don't come more, they ask us to go down, but we don't have a car and I've been complicatedly pregnant, requiring lots of scans and dh has had a big workload all summer. They've asked if we can leave dd down with them for a few days.

Yesterday when they came in, she wouldn't stop crying and hid. This morning more of the same. My mil said we should take her to the park as normal and I should peel off, so I did. I wanted to say goodbye, I love you - because I read it was bad to just leave them in things like playgroup so they'd see you'd disappeared and not trust you and be anxious forever after.

So:

1. have I just scarred her for life?

2. and made her hate me?

3. should I keep doing this while they're here - for the next 4 days?

She's never been left with anyone apart from my parents - although the last time the pils were here she went out for the day with them and they said she was very happy and chatty, and fil made her cry when she was with me, he is very loud, but I believe them.

I feel very guilty, it must be awful for them to make her cry. But I feel sad and anxious about just leaving her.

am a bit about this thread

if you are a people pleaser, you will want to please your daughter as well as your pil surely? I'm not sure it's so much people pleasing as 'line of least resistance'. i'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but put your dd first and tell pil to get lost (well, you can put that more diplomatically if it makes you happier). agree with other posters - they sound like bullies. only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. show your daughter her feelings are not unimportant

I accept all that. It came down to weighing up who would be made most unhappy by my decisions, and I thought the person who'd be made most unhappy by sending dd off with the grandparents would be me, and if I argued with them and told them she needed me there, and they argued and said she was fine, and I said okay the thing is she really doesn't like you yet, they'd be a lot more hurt, and for a lot longer, than she would be after two morning walks with strangers.

She and her granny are having a fun, laughy time this morning in her bedroom, and I can't say for sure they'd have bonded as quickly if I'd been there and she'd clung to me the whole time. So - to be brutally honest - I don't like their method and don't agree with it, but also I can't say that they're wrong. GPs do have some rights, I think, and when they were so sure about what was making dd weird with them (even though I disagree) it seemed mean, as much as assertive, to lay down the rules this time. I hope next time will be nicer for everyone. The main thing is they believe they are very nice people, they certainly don't think they're walking all over my feelings, and I would feel horrible starting a fight - this is taking into account dh, too, who is very kind to my parents.

What a difficult position your are in. Your PILs seem very odd to want this time alone when she is clearly distressed.

You would be better all going out as a family and then you and DH leaving if/when DD feels comfortable. But you know that.

Is there a way that you can all go out together and then you and DH leave half way through if DD is relaxed? If you and DH still send her out today with them then make sure she has lots of food & treats, tell the PILs her routine so that they can get her to nap at the time she needs it and not when she drops from exhaustion later.

Good luck.

So when they take dd off you and dh are where?

At home on your own? P-i-l's sound weird to me. There is no way i would want my dc to be crying for no good reason. In an emergency fair enough but crying just because GP's want to have her on their own.

My dc's well being and happiness are more important than the possibly hurt feelings of any grown up.

If they want to have a good relationship with your dd they will have to come more often to visit and accept that dd may not always want to go off with them.

I feel very for your dd, you are responsible for her well being. Your DH sounds like an idiot too.

Your daughter is telling you that she is unhappy about it and you are not listening to her. I can see that it's difficult for you. You want to keep the peace and it seems a short time that she or you will be unhappy in relation to a longer term family feud.

But surely you must see that they are being absolutely controlling and demanding and I can't see that it will stop there. My MIL was like this and everything had to be on her terms, it was exhausting. If I spoke up, and I did frequently, then she would sulk and go off 'offended' and dh would sometimes say can't we just do it, it's only this or that. I remember her seething that I should not leave the dinner table to see a crying dc as she didnt mind hearing the crying.

Sometimes I did go along with it, but not if it went against my parenting choices or if I thought dcs would be unhappy. She was a pain, but tbh, even she wouldn't demand that she had to be on her own with dcs when they were very young. We did things together. She also lived a long way away and my mother is close by. It's just one of those things. They spend more time with them alone as they get older.

It's worrying that you say they speak so badly of their other DIL and you feel this may happen to you. The fact that they think they are nice doesn't mean they are behaving nicely. You say they want her to stay on her own with them for a few days. This is a really long time for a small child that doesn't see them often. I didn't even leave mine for a few days with my mother that they see all the time though Im sure it would have been fine. It really is quite unusual for gp to demand to spend lengths of time alone with a toddler that is unhappy about it. Maybe this does happen, but I don't think you are making a small sacrifice to keep long term peace. I think you are setting yourself up for long term guilt trips and being bullied into arrangements you are unhappy with.

We talked about it all night and this morning the plan was that dh was definitely going to go along too no matter what. MIL said to me this morning 'She only talks to us when she's alone with us, otherwise she's always looking for you, and when you're not here she thinks oh I'm not having such a bad time after all'. For her this method is a total success.

Anyway, dd sort of crazily needed to do a #2 this morning, so dh said he wanted to leave her with me and went out with them on their own, even though we were all set up for the four of them to go together. I can't walk very far because my doctor has advised resting a lot because I have low amniotic fluid and they're talking about taking the baby out early - that's why it's been dh, not me.

Sorry, this is turning into a long story.

As soon as they had gone, she clung to me and said 'Nothing will get you', which is what I've said to her before when she's been scared. I think she thought what had happened the last two days - us leaving her - was going to happen again.

I'm telling this story in case someone is in the same position. There is no question it has made her more insecure and anxious. I do not think I made the best decision for her, and I feel very sad and bad. It's really hard - they're delighted with the way things went. There has never been any question of me letting her stay with them for a night without me, and there won't be. I think she will soon forget this, but I don't think they've persuaded her in any way about themselves, and that also makes me sad, because I really want her to like them.

She will like them, Ebenes, of course she will! She doesn't dislike or hate them now, she is behaving as toddlers do which is to want to be with you, her parents. People that you don't see often can be big and scary at that age, she doesn't have a comprehension of you must like that person because it's her gp. Relationships build up. This takes longer when it's long distance but that is just life. I'm sure they will have a fab relationship with her as she gets older. DS1 used to love going off with MIL when he was four or so, they'd have a great time.

Don't feel sad. This has been really hard for you and it's clearly a stressful time with your pregnancy and worries about having the baby early. Having people to stay at this stage is bad enough without all the tension over their requests and your dd being unhappy.

She will be fine. She has let you know what she thinks and you can have a lovely cuddle this morning and do something nice together. Try not to feel too stressed about it. Families are complicated but you and your dd are a priority at the moment. They should be having a lovely few days just seeing you all.

Ebenes, put your feet up and put this down to experience.....we all make mistakes.

The trouble is, this will all start again when the new baby is born and they come up again for the same length of time, and dd will already be crazy because there's a new baby and I will be emotional and crazy and desperate not to have dd think she's being rejected or losing out. But this is something dh will have to help me with, even if he falls out with them.

If DH cannot reason with/talk to them then it's up to you to put your foot down. Your dd needs you to keep her feeling safe and she clearly does not like being taken out on her own.

It's just tough shit if they don't agree or are not happy IMO.

Your dd may end up being extra clingy if you allow them to have their own way. Be strong and stand up for you and your dd!!!

They do sound like bullies to me and you and your dd don't deserve to be treated in this way.

Haven't read the whole thread but we have similar problems with my 22 mo dd, because family all live far away and don't see her very often. When they do come, they are desperate to spend time with her and I'm desperate for a break, but if I just dumped her with them and left she'd be very upset at being abandoned with strangers, as she'd see it!

I have pics of family around and in the days before a visit I make sure I'm pointing at them a lot and saying "look dd! Grandad's coming to stay soon!!" etc. So he's not completely unfamiliar when he turns up. I'll also get him to produce a new storybook, and/or chocolate buttons (always a winner!). Lots of "look what grandad's got for you dd!! Why don't you sit on his knee and he'll read you story/give you buttons" etc as I retreat to the kitchen and leave them to it.

It is tricky but I find if I force her to spend time with them, she will dig her heels in and refuse completely. If I make it fun then she'll slowly come round and by the end of the visit they are all best friends. Hope that helps.

don't feel bad

maybe it is for the best that this has come up now so you have had time to think through your feelings and what you want to happen when your new baby arrives. rather than being steamrollered into things. you can talk things thro with your dh and present a united front

ive been thinking a bout the way they undermine your sil as well. it's creating a 'us vs them' feeling. sil is silly but you are much more sensible etc SO LONG AS YOU AGREE WIH US ALL THE TIME
not good - sorry for caps btw
can you speak to your sil a bit and find out how she handles things> might help

Good suggestion Morocco....Fergie and Diana!!!

Have just revisited this thread and having read on I just had to say how upset I am on your daughter's behalf. Please please please put her first next time, your intentions are admirable but your loyalty is misplaced. I really hope you sort this out and stand up for her better next time.