22 mo hates grandparents, I have left her crying with them, what should I have done?

[EBenes]

DD sees my parents all the time because they live close and I can't afford childcare and she loves them. The last time she saw my pil's was 4 months ago - they are welcome to come any time, but live 5 hours away and don't come more, they ask us to go down, but we don't have a car and I've been complicatedly pregnant, requiring lots of scans and dh has had a big workload all summer. They've asked if we can leave dd down with them for a few days.

Yesterday when they came in, she wouldn't stop crying and hid. This morning more of the same. My mil said we should take her to the park as normal and I should peel off, so I did. I wanted to say goodbye, I love you - because I read it was bad to just leave them in things like playgroup so they'd see you'd disappeared and not trust you and be anxious forever after.

So:

1. have I just scarred her for life?

2. and made her hate me?

3. should I keep doing this while they're here - for the next 4 days?

She's never been left with anyone apart from my parents - although the last time the pils were here she went out for the day with them and they said she was very happy and chatty, and fil made her cry when she was with me, he is very loud, but I believe them.

I feel very guilty, it must be awful for them to make her cry. But I feel sad and anxious about just leaving her.

She won't be scarred for life but I don't see why you have to leave her with gps if she is upset. Why can't you all spend time together until she is more used to them?

DS went through a clingy stage at about 22 months (he seems to be over it now at 27 months). He didn't want to be left with my parents or my pils (he doesn't see either of them often because we live in a different town). I found it quite interesting that my mil didn't care about this and would be trying to push me out of the door even while he was getting hysterical. My parents, otoh, refused to look after him in that state and said I had to stay. Both were quite difficult to deal with as I had doctor's appointments and other arrangements I had to go to. Btw, according to my parents he didn't necessarily cheer up 5 min after I had left.

Anyway, my point is that in a few months she may be happier to spend time with them and why push it before then? It is just selfish of your pils to force her into it.

X-post - Twiglett, my mil would happily keep a screaming toddler. On that visit, she used to try to drag ds screaming away from me when I was at home, stuck in bed with morning sickness, and he just wanted some time with me. In fact, thinking back, she was happy walking around with a screaming baby rather than handing him over to me for a feed...

Oh dear, I've managed to avoid bitching about mil so far on mn. I'm obviously getting stressed about her impending 4 week visit after birth of dc2.

Sorry about thread hijack.

My parents are like yours, ttl, but they have the luxury of that, I guess. It's just a different approach - pils think there's no way she will change while I'm still around, and they can only get to know her alone. Whereas my dad, when she was initially shy of men, would always hold right back and give her space until she came to him. I think the softly softly approach is much better, but I would, because it means not seeing my dd crying! And when your mil looks you in the eye and tells you you should go, and you feel guilty about not seeing them enough, it's pretty much a no-brainer.

not for me - MIL has often asked to have dd alone. The answer is no.

You're braver than me!

tbh i do sometimes feel a little sorry for her, but DH is firm about t. She can come out with us (we take dd out every weekend at least one day) but she CANNOT have her alone. he wants to be with his dd as much as pos, he misses her during the week when he only sees her in the evening.

Anyway it is her nap time now and I only gave them a snacky sandwich to give her if she was mid-morning starving, so I wish they would come home. Over two hours on the first day should be enough, and she's irritable when she has to take her nap in her buggy, so things may be worse again later. But hey ho.

can you ring them and check progress?

Sadly, no. Husband out of contact and I don't have their mobile number. But they have my home phone for an emergency, so I should just get a grip.

she will be fine!

I'm sure she will have a lovely time but don't be upset if she cries when she sees you again, it will just be cos she is relieved to see you again after you disappeared!

It is weird how kids take a dislike to certain people for apparently no reason. Ds hates his uncle (dh's brother) and cries whenever he looks at him. Sometimes I think it's when adults try too hard with them (often the way with in-laws or relatives who don't see them very often so they over-compensate). Do your in laws do that? If so could you tactfully tell them to chill out?

Totally exactly that is what he does! He's really loud and cheerful and pushes dolls in her face (she doesn't like dolls). My husband says he will have a word, but there's a bit of friction between the two of them, so he doesn't like to tell him what to do.

I can remember hiding behind the sofa and crying whenever my (very lovely) uncle came into the room. I was terrified of him because he was really loud and jolly, and while this was totally normal to his sons, at 3 years old I found it very scary! I wouldn't worry about it.

Over four hours is too much, though, isn't it? Still not back. They did this last time, 4 months ago, so I should have remembered and prepared for it, I just thought as she was so weepy this time they'd give it an hour or two. I think it's just more likely to make her scared of going with them next time! I haven't given her enough food and if she's slept she's going to wake up with near-strangers.

EBenes, I think you and your DH are going to have to talk about it sensibly and come up with some ground rules that you're happy with. ie stipulate a time to be back, more frequent visits. I'm not talking anything too demanding but if you said you were cooking lunch and want everyone back for 12 say then they'd have to come back.

Have they taken her out for all this time just to be away from you / the house? They must be shattered too. That seems odd that they can't share the day with all of you.

Reading through this a bit more I just don't understand why you can't all spend time as a family, your DD would be much happier having all her family around her enjoying themselves and watching how you and your DH were with GP would help her trust them.

If my parents / il's came down and insisted they spent the day alone with DD I'd think them a little odd and probably a bit rude.

I agree with gingerninja...i don't think many GPs would want their gcs to be upset and separated from their mum just so they could have time 'alone'..plenty of years for that ahead...

I agree with ginga and Dropdead.
I wouldn't have let my child go if they were that upset to go off with someone they hardly know regardless of whether it was grandparents.
I also think it's a bit odd that the gp think it's okay to take a 22mo who is upset at being seperated from a parent. I would need to spend more time with them all together to feel more reassured that my child was okay.
As an extra thing I think it could be somewhat confusing when you start with the "don't go off with strangers" talk.

I don't see why the gps would be upset about not spending time alone with her if the reason is that she gets upset at being separated from you. Surely they understand what toddlers are like too. I wouldn't force it personally, but spend more time together until she is happier.

They came back after nearly 5 hours. She seemed very happy and I was glad to have been proved wrong - although mil said she didn't stop crying until she slept and ignored them when she woke up and wouldn't eat her lunch - but then had a great time. But then fil went upstairs and when he came down again the crying started, so I'm not sure the crash course worked.

I think they really believe they need time alone with her for them to like her, and the fact that she loosened up will only confirm that.

"although mil said she didn't stop crying until she slept and ignored them when she woke up and wouldn't eat her lunch "

I'm not sure you have been proved wrong.
Maybe she looks happy because she's happy to coming home.

I'm sure she was fine, but I wouldn't have left mine at that age. In fact I won't leave mine until their old enough to tell me about it. I woudn't leave my child that young for a night either until they were 4 or 5, and probably never with my PILs, but that's because I loathe them and they have different ideas about most things to me.,

Hmm, I wouldn't say crying herself to sleep was exactly a success either. You have to go with your instincts but I would feel very reluctant to leave my child if she'd been that upset just because they want time with her on their own. Like someone else said, there are years for that. They are the adults.

I agree with Juuule. Your DH needs to talk to them about stopping in and enjoying your DD as part of a family. She is after all part of a family and comes with parents and grandparents. They're much more likely to see her at her best if she's happy and secure. You need to put your foot down, sorry.

Actually just read on and think I wouldn't leave her again with them. I would have thought if she carried on crying they should have brought her back, can't understand why they kept her so long.