Swapping Roles. Will it work if I work full time and DH looks after the kids?

[Dragonbutter]

DH has been made redundant.

I have been offered an extra part time job in my old professional career. I can also work part time in my current job which is low stress.

I can match his salary or thereabouts.
He wants to spend more time with the kids and will be great.

I've been struggling with being with the kids full time, been getting quite depressed and am excited about being at work again.

What am i missing? We had a big talk about it all last night about how we feel and have come up with this plan and it seems like a lovely change.

Where does this go wrong?

if he does not see it as a job, a proper, full time time-consuming job. Not a change, not staying at home but a JOB

you both need to make sure of this

It goes wrong if all he does is childcare and forgets about the housework, catering, maintenance, social life, forward educational planning and all the other stuff SAHPs do.

Dh was a sahd for a while, I think about a year in the end. It was good for a while and only needed to change because I had a period of not finding work and we realised we couldn't stand to be in a position where we were relying on one salary. So now we both work ft oth.

He enjoyed it although I think it was harder than he thought it would be.

I don't think you're missing anything, go for it!

I think, looking back, the one thing I shouldn't have done was interfere so much - I made suggestions unasked about eg toddler groups etc and he wanted to be left to it. I think it helped that we have a pretty equal division of labour so I would come in from work and pitch in with everything and dd wasn't sleeping then so we would take it in turns and did every other night with her.

this is great.
i need a list of things we need to discuss before we make a final decision.
keep them coming.

if i disappear it's because i'm working while mnetting. (this is the low stress job)

i wouldn't be working very long hours. 9-4 at the most. and we'd have friday afternoons all together. i think we'll have more time together as a family as we did with DH working full time M-F.

bossykate, that's scary. i would really rather we didn't split though.

It could be great. DH looked after dd for a few weeks when he was between jobs and I had to go back to work. He went from not really knowing what to do with her, handing her back to me everytime she cried etc. to a really competent parent. He really enjoyed it and managed to do more housework than I do when I'm at home (he didn't find mumsnet)! Now I feel confident leaving him with dd if I need to and he understands that SAHM is not the same as being on holiday!! ATM he is full time and I work 3 days, he would love to work pt, but his career is really all or nothing Go for it it sounds like a perfect solution for you at the moment. I guess the major worry would be if he hates being at home, and wants to go back to work?

so sorry bossykate, that must be awful for you. i hope it all works out for you.

Bk has a good point, that is a risk worth considering. (and BK re risking it, it's all v fucked up I agree)

if i introduced him to mumsnet properly would you help him while i'm out?

If DH is really keen to give it a go, you are happy to try it out and you both have considered exactly what is involved in both roles - go for it. After all, you could always agree to reassess it after 6 months and consider sharing both in p/t work if it is really not working, or even DH looking for a f/t and swapping back when realistic.
Personally, in your position, I would go for it.
My DH and I share the workload and household stuff equally. He is more patient with them than me and I would have no problem switching roles totally if our home business went under and one of us had to work out of the house.
I would make a list of all your expectations of him during the day and discuss it. Eg., (without sounding patronising or rude) can he iron? will he do a weekly shop without you needing to go back at the weekend to top up, is he able to chat with parents at the school gate and do the stuff you do now like organise play dates, remember that they need to hand in dinner money on a set date, help run the PTA after school cake stall or whatever else happens to be involved in the crazy world of SAHPs. I remember the first time I insisted DH did a duty at the playgroup - as it was one of the areas I felt he avoided. After feeling weird for half an hour, he loved it. Same with the school run. He felt a bit weird at first but now is happy to stand in the playground (sharkpit) and gossip with the rest of them. I was suprised at what he found easy and what daunted him . Both of us home did make it a little easier for him to opt out though - your DH will just have to get stuck in! Talk to him about all the little extra things you do, like remembering the bins, polishing kids shoes, volunteering for school trips etc etc and see how he feels?
If he is at home now, sounds like you could potentially have a short period of overlap anyway which will help him and you "pass on" tips and support. Treat it just like you would if you were handing over a job in the workplace to a new employee. Write lists, keep talking and supporting.

Wow that was a lot of typing!

good luck

i like the idea of a handover.
but i'm aware that i will have to step back a bit and let him do it his way (unless it's all wrong, then i'll step in )
am quite concerned that he will rearrange the kitchen.

I think if he knows what is involved (like housework, shopping, mundane stuff) and not just childcare then go for it. MY BIL and SIL have recently done this, he is at home with the kids and she has gone back to work as a teacher.

The only thing though with you having a second part time job wouldn't you pay a higher rate of tax of your second job? I know when my sister was a student she had 2 jobs 1 of which was in a bar and she was taxes nearly 50% on her second job. So much so that after she'd paid travel costs and food it wasn't worth her working the second job.

that should be taxed

oh, i didn't know that.

How old are your kids? My Dh worked f/t and I looked after our DC f/t until they were 2. Change of circumstances meant I ended up doing 3-4 days per week for the last year to his 1-2 days.

I think neither of us had counted on the isolation there can be for SAH Dads. I relied on getting out to toddler groups, music classes etc and playdates with friends. He felt stupid at these sorts of events and they can be a very female dominated environment - I think he finds female small talk a bit tedious but if he didn't go to toddler stuff he ended up with very long days to fill!

I think if your kids are older that would be easier.

He also found the loss of status quite demoralising - everyone we know either the male works or they both work - and even though he was doing a fantastic job with our girls, he still felt a loss of self-esteem.

Does he help much in the house at the moment? My DH tends to not notice overflowing washing baskets, empty fridge etc - he will do things if prompted but we do end up with no clean socks unless I help/prompt regulary which makes me feel like a nagging old woman.

Sorry sounds very negative! On the positive side, he has developed an amazing relationship with our girls and has found it easier the older they have got (they're now 3.2) - summer was great, they spent weeks up on the moors and eating ice creams (hard if you're stuck in the office though!). He can now look after them equally well to me, knows their little likes and dislikes etc. We are due another babe in a few months and he is keen to spend time during the week caring for them too, but I don't think he would ever do full-time dad duties again.

Good luck!

what bossykate said

(am WOHM married to SAHD, we have three DSs)

we have 2 boys. aged 4 and 1.5.
the 4 year old goes to nursery 2 days.
the little one normally goes to a childminder for two mornings but this would have to stop.

lots of good advice guys.
will definitely discuss all these points tonight with him.

keep em coming
this feels a bit like the pre-marriage counselling book by relate where they give you topics to discuss to see how you would feel in different situations.

Could the little one carry on at the childminder? Or would this definitely have to be ruled out?

My DH found it easier once the girls were at pre-school one morning - just to give him a bit of time to go off and get things done.. multi-tasking isn't his strong point and he found it easier to have a morning where he could go and get bits of shopping/do admin etc.

I think it's also useful to think about what the minimum/max standards of housekeeping would make you both happy.

At the start of the year, I'd come back from a long dark commute to find DH had finally got the girls to bed and was collapsed in the bath with a glass of wine.

He deserved his break but I also found it hard that he hadn't thought what we might eat that night, tried to clear up a bit - I'd be chucking toys off the sofa to sit down! I don't expect the house to be spotless but I prefer to come home to a reasonably tidy house and something however simple to eat..

The DDs' loved the adventure of it all, he is much more spontaneous than me in deciding where to take them. I'd be on the same rota every week of what we did each day, whereas they never knew what they were doing next with DH which they loved!

no, the money will be too tight to have a CM for no good reason.
this would be the case until september next year. hopefully work will pick up by then but we don't know right now.

i expect they will spend a lot more time at the beach than i do. i can't be bothered with the mess.

anyone found it affected their relationships with their children?
will i feel left out?

Dragon, if the circumstances fit, then go for it. It sounds ideal for your situation at the moment.
DH is SAHD and has been since DS was 10 months old - he's now 3.6, and DD is 2.3. I had the six months maternity in that time too. It works really well for us - he's better at certain things, playing especially - he can be a bear ALL day, whereas I can't after about five minutes. I work four days a week and DH goes off on a Thursday to do whatever he has to do.

Regarding affecting your relationship with the children - no. Sure sometimes I feel a little left out when they are all running round growling like bears when I come in from work (also a very low stress job!) and just want to flop with a cuppa. But all children go through phases of wanting Mammy not Daddy, and vice versa. As long as the time you DO spend with them is full of love and cuddles (and not shouting at them like I've been known to do once or twice ) then you will still be number one mum.

As long as your DH is happy to do it, then it can be fantastic.
GOod luck

DH did this for a bit. It wasn't for him. But he's glad he gave it a go. As was I when I took over the SAH bit again.

Two jobs though sounds a bit stressful. For us, I think two part time jobs would be ideal. I don't know what he does. Is it something that could have pt opportunities?

We are thinking of doing this at the moment - DH job not going so great and I am wanting to re-start my career. If/ when I can get a position that just about matches his basic salary we think we can manage.

I have no qualms about my DH being able to do the sah bit - I'm not exactly the best housekeeper in the world . More worried about me being the 'breadwinner' and that sort of pressure.

will watch this thread with interest.