Swapping Roles. Will it work if I work full time and DH looks after the kids?

[Dragonbutter]

DH has been made redundant.

I have been offered an extra part time job in my old professional career. I can also work part time in my current job which is low stress.

I can match his salary or thereabouts.
He wants to spend more time with the kids and will be great.

I've been struggling with being with the kids full time, been getting quite depressed and am excited about being at work again.

What am i missing? We had a big talk about it all last night about how we feel and have come up with this plan and it seems like a lovely change.

Where does this go wrong?

you don;t get taxed differently on a second job - it just feels like you're paying more tax becasue you're used all your tax free allowances and lower tax rate on the first job. Once you hit the 40% limit you'll pay that on all your employment income rgardless of who pays it to you.

Ok here's my experience - which is not really my experience but my (male) friend. He chose to stay at home with his two DDs, and his wife is a high flier laywer, and she kept on rubbing it in that she was making more money than him, that he was a kept man, making jokes about it to their circle of friends, basically making fun of him because she was the bread winner. So my advice - it may sounds superficial but as they are now divorce, it's not so superficial - is to accept it and not make him feel inadequate.

i'm fairly confident DH will be much better at the housework. it's me who walks past an overflowing laundry basket these days. i am so tired of being a SAHM. the novelty has definitely worn off and i need to do things i'm good at or i'm going to lose all my confidence.

i am concerned about the social isolation for him. it's hard enough for women to make friends at toddler groups. it must be really hard for the guys. (or maybe not )

He's read the thread now. Thought you all made some good points.
I really think we're going to go for it you know. Eek.

My db has been a sahd since his wife came off maternity leave; their eldest is now 7. Works really well for them.

Also, my FIL retired in the 70's and took over childcare/household duties while his 20 yr younger wife went out to work. Great relief to everybody concerned as the catering improved greatly; my MIL cannot cook.

I have suggested cookery lessons might be necessary.

bumping for more advice/experiences

Not a complete swap like you are planning but when my 4 were little I worked 1-5pm (then a variety of FT/ PT etc hours and did a degree) and DH was in charge at home.

I realised very quickly we had totally different ideas about child-rearing, and our eldest was 4.5 by this time I'd been getting them to help me with housework and only putting the TV on for specific children's progs which I sat down with them to watch and we discussed. His method was to just stick them in front of the TV for an hour or so while he "got on" He said it took too long to let them help.

I didn't do the school pick up (and eventually didn't do any school runs at all) so didn't meet the other mums; had no idea who their friends were. Sometimes I'd come home absolutely exhausted to find we'd got a strange child (or two) round to play/ for tea, which I didn't appreciate!

We also lost a lot of clothes and school equipment because DH didn't feel it was his responsibility to check what the children had on/ brought home when he collected them. (Or it didn't occur to him) We didn't get any notes either. Where I would say "everyone else has got a note- why haven't you got one?" and they'd go back because they'd left it in their tray, he wouldn't do that. Ditto where is your coat/ cardigan/ bag/ PE kit?

I felt like I'd been made redundant and that they weren't my children anymore. That did wear off, but be prepared that that might happen.

When dd was little, dh spent a day a week at home with her while I worked. No noticeable difference. He has also been in charge when I have been working away. Things get done pretty well the same- but then he does a lot of them anyway.

I'm the full time WOHP in our set up.

Things to think about:

Finding ways of giving your OH time for themselves, to work on whatever crazy projects or schemes they might have in mind. It can be really hard for the SAHP to get recharging alone time if the WOHP isn't clued up to providing it. People sometimes need to retreat into their "garden shed" or equivalent, and some people need that more than others.

As people have said, making sure it's understood between the two of you and among your friends and family that this is the JOB he will be doing for now. Prepare him to expect people always always always to ask either "what did you do before?" or "what else do you do?". People don't like the idea of a SAHD because people are supposed to have an externally validated identity and while it's just about bearable to dismiss a SAHM as "just a mother" they find it hard to pigeonhole a SAHD - it's a big challenge to that whole externally-validated-identity-is-vital crap. The more confident he can be about what an important and fun job he is doing, the better.

Try to think of him in some ways as a wife. For sure, he's just shoved fish fingers on the table again instead of the lovingly prepared Jamie recipe you might have spent an hour on. But the children are eating it and the house is not on fire. It's HIS standards of cleanliness and houseprideliness which need to be treated with respect now.

Say thank you a lot. Show you appreciate the things he's doing. Yes, of course it was his responsibility to do the laundry, but a man who's just had umpteen years of people noticing his achievements and telling him they have is going to find it hard to suddenly take his pride in his own delight at a well laundered school shirt.

Expect to be on duty when you get home after a whole day at work. you will find it very hard to have down time. My image of old fashioned Dads with slippers and pipe and newspaper after a day at the office just doesn't translate to WOHMs with SAHDs. Expect to come home and do lots of tidying. Because if he and the children are too busy having fun to tidy, then either you become Mrs Nag McNag of Nagtown, or you leave it messy, or you tidy up and every object put in a place where someone will be able to find it easily and use it later is your gift to that person. This stuff isn't a question of how it ought to be, it's a question of graciously accepting whatever your OH is able to offer and taking up the slack yourself.

Just some off the top of my head thoughts.

DH and I completely swapped roles when DS was 4mo and I went back to work full time. It was definitely the right decision for us, as both DS (now nearly 3) and DH flourished.

However, I would re-iterate what some of the other posters have said about your DH really wanting to do the role. The reason I say that is that my DH chose to give up a well paid job to do this, so he never felt like he was being forced into it. But he joined a web groups for SAHDs and met up with some of them once or twice, and came home really gloomy each time. It seems that a lot of the blokes doing the SAHD role are doing so because of circumstances rather than desire, and many of the ones he met seem to see themselves as failures, which is incredibly sad.

Also, like others have said, it's worth your DH having some sort of structure to his weeks, or he runs the risk of sitting at home with the DC all the time and getting resentful/not enjoying it at all. My DH goes to a toddler group once a week (he's on the committee - he's the only bloke there but isn't bothered by it), goes to a friend's farm once or twice a week where DS helps to muck out horses, collect eggs etc, goes to the local market once a week (we live in the countryside), does the grocery shopping, goes to playgrounds etc etc.

BUT - he doesn't do any washing/housework etc - although he does cook dinner a lot of the time, which is great.

So you both need to have realistic expectations of what you want out of it, and be prepared to have to 'give up' - or at least share - your kitchen, as it will no longer be only your domain.

But from personal experience it can work brilliantly well. I'm so glad that my DH wanted to do this as I would never in a million years have asked/expected him to. Good luck!

I agree with much that has been said on here, especially onwardandupward. I wish I'd written that

DH has been SAHD after both my maternity leaves. I wanted to be at work and he wanted to be at home. There we go I've said it

Dh wants to add: Expect women to offer unwanted advice because they assume you don't know what you're doing.

I did the SAHD thing for a short while. It was fun. You need to be sure, if you expect him to do stuff other than just looking after the children, what that stuff is. Even have it written down as an agreement.

Otherwise you may one day come in to a tip of a house, say "what the hell have you been doing all day"?" and before you know it he will have emailed you that oh-so-rib-crackingly-funny-when-you've only-read-it-twice story about the husband who comes in and the house looks as if it's been burgled and ... You know the one.

I think he's feeling excited about it and i'm trying to make sure he realises the reality of how much it's possible to get done. You know how it feels when you're looking forward to your first maternity leave and you have so many ideas of what you will do, what hobbies you will pursue, big projects etc.
I'm sure he will be fine, but like any job, it takes a little while to settle into it.

such great advice from you all.
we're checking this thread and discussing your advice in the evenings.
so far, we think we can handle it, but i suppose we'll find out once we're doing it.

Hi Dragonbutter
I have a friend who was until recently a full time SAHD. He's now working part-time, but is still the primary carer. He went to a lot of toddler groups and found some very welcoming and some not at all (although I think that's true for most mums too!) I think people don't always realise that not all groups are the same - go to one, feel left out and think 'never again', so it may be worth suggesting he tries a few.

A lot depends on where you live - some areas there will be quite a few SAHDs, others your DH would be a real rarity.

There are a few sites that might help:
www.dadathome.co.uk/
homedad.org.
www.stayathomedads.co.uk
www.dad.info

oh great. we'll check them out.

Late to this thread but DP is a SAHD.

We found ourselves in this situation out of necessity but DP has always wanted to do it, even pre-baby. I was such a workaholic I had always joked I wouldn't mind the pregnancy bit if he let me go back to work. In the event it was much harder to leave DS behind (from 6 months) but it's working out OK.

DP is now looking for PT work after 8 months on the job - he's a bit bored and finds not contributing to the pot pretty tough, especially as we're constantly skint. DS can also be a bloody test DS would go to a childminder, which I would be fine with as he doesn't get to socialise at all just now - bit early to worry about it but DP doesn't do toddler groups at all.

Housework wise neither of us are exactly pernickety - but I suspect a little less by way of cleaning and general stuff gets done than would do if I was home. For example, it would rarely cross DP's mind to clean the bathroom, and if it did it wouldn't be to my standards. So often things get really messy. But he manages to cook most nights, and I have always said I'd rather come home to a wrecked house and no food than a miserable child.

TBH I think we'd both be happier if we could work PT and share childcare, but it isn't easy to work arrangements like this. I am really anjoying work, although it is hard to feel so torn between committments.

My only warning would be that if you have even the slightest control-freak tendencies you will have to learn hard and fast to curb them. We have argued a lot this year. We're getting there though (through the power of suggestion and some resignation ).

If he's been made redundant, you don't really have anything to lose, do you? have a go - if it doesn't work then you can always have a rethink.

We do this.
Good things: DH is very close to our boys, knows them well, had good "reason" to leave job he was fed up with and looks forward to doing some (poss. voluntary) work when they go to school.
Bad things: I have my own self-imposed guilt issues so I never go out. I do not ask for any time "off" at the w/e because I feel I need/ought to be with DCs. DH, on the other hand, needs/gets time off. i study at night when they are all asleep...and I look after them if they wake up. Also DH is more socially isolated than a SAHM mum I think.

DH is completely chilled about the "status" thing of working. We had to work out the housework thing as I thought it was rude and patronising to tell him what needed doing; he thought there was nothing to do unless told...but OK now.