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The Motherhood Delusion

589 replies

SantaLucia · 07/08/2008 17:37

A thread to safely house all the thoughts that you are ashamed to admit. Example:

Why did we have children?

When does it all become worth it?

The day my child was born was NOT the best day of my life (it was my wedding) and I absolutely remember the pain and the boredom of being in hospital.

I can't be bothered reading about child development.

The health visitor is not worth a trip in the rain with a sleeping baby.

Thank goodness I'm over that "newborn" stage. Roll on year 5!

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ViolentFemme · 10/08/2008 12:30

I's from a wee while back but still valid for this thread...

motherhood is NOT a woman's greatest achievement

HaventSleptForAYear · 10/08/2008 12:41

"In fact I spend half of my time tearing my hair out with tiredness and frustration and the other half loving them fiercely and regretting how quickly time is passing."

Yes this is me too.

Mostly I prefer to go to work than look after them (although I do love Wednesdays when I'm home with them).

DH feels the same.

Any yet, madly, wierdly, we occasionally contemplate n°3.

Celery and Omirian's comments have brought me back down to earth on that one.

motherinferior · 10/08/2008 12:50

A third child would have broken me. I am rather thankful I never managed to find a willing victim with whom to embark on parenthood when I was younger, as I would undoubtedly have yielded to inevitable broodines...

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HaventSleptForAYear · 10/08/2008 12:54

Keep saying that please!

I know it would be madness but then you always wonder if when you are older you will regret "only" having 2.

rookiemater · 10/08/2008 19:24

Good article ViolentFemme, but I wouldn't advise showing this thread to your pg Sis.

Now that I have a DC I am a fully fledged member of the keeping it a secret pact, there is no way you can tell women what its like to be a mother and bloody unfair to tell them when pregnant. In the same way that I'm not going to share my unpleasant birth story wiht the pg lady in the office when she asks. If pressed I admit I had an emergency c-section but say that DS was pointing the wrong way so I'm probably not the best person to speak to.

If you want to do something useful buy her Babyshock (book about the impact having a baby can have on a relationship) and some really nice hand cream.

watershed · 10/08/2008 21:07

I blurted out "For gods sake don't have two!" to my neighbour one day - I was ill with labyrinthitis and desperately struggling with my small toddler and new baby. Our ds's are the same age and I consequently found out the next week that she was 3 months gone with number 2 . I am not exactly stoic and have been moaning quite a lot honest all along about how hard I have found it. Anyway, at the time she just laughed and looked smug. Now she has had number 2 she is avoiding me . The point of this story is that if we all spoke more honestly together more often, there wouldn't be any need for secrecy, guilt and feelings of inferiority about how we really feel. And anyway, everyone has qualified it with how much they love their kids. The ambiguity and polar opposite emotions co-existing seem to be quite normal (on this thread anyway).

oneplusone · 10/08/2008 21:09

I think this thread is very similar to another one a while ago called Who Regrets Becoming a Mum? I think the title of that thread put a lot of people off but the content was very similar to this.

The Motherhood Delusion is a great title, i felt like had been sold a lie and still feel like that. Becoming a mother has not fulfilled me and is not the best thing i have ever done. I love my DC's absolutely and would die for them but day to day life with them is bloody hard work with often little or no reward.

There's good book called Torn in Two by Roszika Parkes i would recommend about the ambivalent feelings motherhood often causes but which are kept secret by most mothers because of societal taboos.

Favourthebrave · 10/08/2008 21:10

But who do you think is responsible for the delusion in the first place? Your own mother or the Catholic Church? They are the only two institutions that might have persuaded anyone that motherhood was anything more than a hard, hard hike up a mountain, with screaming children all the while thinking up stimulating and educational 'travel' games.

Favourthebrave · 10/08/2008 21:19

See, I think it's because we're all narcissists until we have children, and then we have to start thinking about them and not us. And because we're all narcissists we didn't really have a good proper look at what our mother's were doing, because we assumed she was really happy and just loved us and loved doing everything she did for us. Whereas she was actually walking out of rooms and muttering 'fuck off'.
So we'd better work that one out for our daughters, and perhaps do what someone down below does and say 'fuck off' a little bit louder, so our daughters don't think that being a mother is just the best thing ever and they can make informed decisions. That's what I think. Unless you are a catholic, then you haven't a chance because the whole church is geared up to making you procreate and wear blue.

Favourthebrave · 10/08/2008 21:26

When you think about it, like I am, you can't actually say to your daughter 'actually it's really hard work, and it goes on and on and you never get a moment's peace and you go a little bit crazy and just think about being childless again' because that is like saying 'I didn't like you all that much' which you can't say, and you probably don't want to, because you probably do like her very much. That's how it works. It's quite high risk to break the cycle when you think about it, like I am.

mummydoc · 10/08/2008 21:27

haven't read all this thread but i have a theory

" anyone who says being a mother is the most fulfilling thing they have ever done is either lying or on strong medication"

I hate having to cook/clean /organise and generally do all those dogsbody type chores that evolve from havign 2 small children and right now in the middle of 9 weeks of sodding holidays i really do not get any enjoyment out of being with them or doing activites with them because frankly they are not things i would want to do, it has dawned on me that really i should never have had children .

mummydoc · 10/08/2008 21:30

favorthebrave - actually i don't like my dds very much , i love them with that weird over whelming elemental love that mothers have but frankly i don't like them very much at all, and i really don't like looking after them, and i can easily tell them this - usually to make my point over their behaviour because why should they think i like them when they scream/fight/sulk and trash the house , refuse to help or look after their possesions , i wouldn't like anyone else who behaved in this way - there is a difference between like and love.

Seuss · 10/08/2008 21:32

mummydoc - where can i get the medication that makes me think motherhood is the most fulfilling thing i've ever done?

mummydoc · 10/08/2008 21:35

seuss - i am not sure the nhs could cope with the financial strain of us all rushing of for potent sedatives/anti depressents and class a drugs.

Favourthebrave · 10/08/2008 21:36

You might find it more fulfilling further on down the road when you look at the two of them when they are older and think 'wozer, they're okay, and I did that and actually what matters in this life is the relationships I have and who I have them with not the state of my house. I wish I knew that fifteen years ago when I got so worked up about all the sofa cushions on the floor.' You might, don't know for sure though.

mummydoc · 10/08/2008 21:37

there is a reason why the 1950's pictures show happy benign smiling women happy at home - they were all addicted to massive amounts of valium ( known as "mother's little helper)

Seuss · 10/08/2008 21:43

Good point - I don't think my medicine cabinet is big enough to be honest.

Favour - the sofa cushions don't bother me so much, it's the flipping lego...everywhere! Why is it necessary to empty the whole tub??? And it really hurts too. And there are never enough wheels anyway. And it's impossible to clear up every last piece.

Favourthebrave · 10/08/2008 21:46

One day Seuss you'll look around you and wonder where all the lego went, and why it bothered you so much and why you got so twisted up about it, when actually it was just a rather well designed construction toy with many parts which sometimes you stood on and that hurt, but actually in a way it was quite nice because they were playing and being messy and weren't off in Hong Kong and never phoning you even on your birthday.

Favourthebrave · 10/08/2008 21:48

I don't think anyone ever said looking after small children was incredibly fulfilling, not anyone I know anyway. But in the long term, with the long vision, I think you might see that having children was a good journey, and an interesting one and you learnt lots during it and it broke your heart a few times but then it made you proud and made you smile a whole lot too. That's not so bad you know, for a life.
In the meantime, everyone should have something else that they do at the same time to keep sane. Preferably a job of some sort.

oneplusone · 10/08/2008 21:49

it's not just the catholic church, the delusion is all around us in subliminal messages in the media etc. I think the delusion is actually created by men, they need to con us into thinking motherhood is wonderful so we do actually have babies as if we knew the truth and said 'no thanks' they would be stuffed wouldn't they?!

Janni · 10/08/2008 21:50

I know if I hadn't had children I'd have felt horribly incomplete but the presence of my 3 lovelies makes me feel exhausted and unable to look forward to anything much for the next 15 years or so...DH would so love us to do something exciting and glamorous and I feel I'm holding him back...I'm always torn in one way or another.

Favourthebrave · 10/08/2008 21:51

Yes, they would. But also it's a bit bleak to not have children, even if the beginning bit is incredibly dull and hardwork and makes you weep in the evenings and want to kill people, especially your children. It's a journey, with some very rocky patches and precipitous drops but all the same not such a bad journey to go on, because there are hidden surprises too.

Seuss · 10/08/2008 21:52

I have to admit it is the best construction toy and has definately survived the test of time. It is rare in the fact that it is the one toy that unites the little darlings (mainly because they like to crash it into my nice wood floor - [sniffle].) Sometimes you get that moment when they are playing like angels and not killing each other and you think 'this is what it's all about'. Of course you know they will be killing each other again in five minutes but you are right it is nice really.

Favourthebrave · 10/08/2008 21:56

But it is hard too. And nice. And then hard. And then eye-wateringly boring. And then funny. And then upsetting. And then very interesting. And then tedious. And then hilarious. And then all warm and meaningful. And then just quite simply the most choresome waste of time you've ever known. But it's okay, all of that is okay I think, because it's a bit random and unusual and what really matters at the end of the day, every day, is the relationships you have.

nowirehangers · 10/08/2008 21:56

I told my 14-m-old to piss off this evening
The worst thing for me is having to reinvent friendships. I had great friends before motherhood, now because I am too knackered to go out in the evening and live in London and takes too long and is too hellish to go anywhere too far with dds in the day I have to make do with scrabbling around getting to know local mothers with whom I have nothing in common except dcs who say things like "God, I'm so sorry we have sheets hanging in the garden, the tumble dryer's broken, I'm mortified". Have been told twice I shouldn't send dd1 to the nearest school to me because it's too "yummy" and I won't fit in - I thought it was meant to be about her not me but never mind!