You are finally a parent when........

[DanJARMouse]

you darling child comes through in the middle of the night, snuggles up, and then prompty throws up all over you, the bed, the duvet, the works.

My lovely mattress that has been immaculate for almost a year is now pukey.

When you have people around, offer drinks and all you can find is a Tommee Tippee

You'll be needing the "how do I get my mattress clean" thread from yesterday then!

DanJARMouse - dd did this when she was about 6mo, into my mouth. Nice.

You sniff your child's bottom to see if they've pooped.

I know its a really obvious one, but I honestly never thought I would be the kind of person to do this.

I was wrong!!!

Although, I am 31 and have recently had a bug. My mum was with me and she cleaned up all the sick in my sink (couldn't make the upstairs loo). So I guess it never ends.

When after years of scoffing your treats to yourself not even giving into your partner who has eaten his and wants some of yours, you dont mind sharing your caramel donought/last piece of chocolate with your LO's.

I do need that thread, where is it?! Was going to vanish foam spray it, let it dry and hoover it off.

Oooooh yes, bottom sniffing, still doing that with 2yr old! (cant tell if its her or DS!)

I tell ya, Ive been a mum for 4yrs, and yet this is the first time any of them have thrown up in my bed!!!

Nah, it's when you are out in public with your DC, and one (or all?) of your DC do something terribly embarrassing or naughty, causing strangers to mutter comments about said children, and you decide the best course of action is to disown them

you spit on a hanky to wipe their (protesting) face,,
groooossss
come on, what do you mean i'm the only one?! don't believe you...
funny thing is i vividly remember how i hated it when my mum did it to me
(far worse with eau de benson and hedges, tho )

LOL veni - what is it about strangers commenting on your children? Was out with DD and got myself an espresso and DD (aged 2) a frothy milk in an espresso cup. She calls it 'coffee'

Lady in next booth, as she was leaving, says, 'your DD has such nice manners, but why are you giving her coffee at such a young age?'

Don't people pretend anymore?

love it!

agree with the sniffing the poo one.

when you think nothing of putting your thumb in your mouth n giving them a spit wash - much to DS's disgust when were out!

Whenever you are with Dcs, adults in nurseries, doctors etc. all call you 'Mum'

I do love my dogs - but I add chocolate sprinkles to the warm milk for ds so he has a slight choccy milk drink! he loves it!

Start repeating phrases that your mother used even though you swore when you were younger that you would never ever say that to your children!!

YOu can do sweet FA for yourself by yourself, in the evenings because one of them is always always always needs your attention.

I'm hacked off because my essay is overdue and I've not been able to work on it for three nights running because of various dramas.

When you are awake at 1am...2am...3am...3:30am...4am......

When you wake up with a dirty nappy on the end of your bed and a bottle with the lid not properly screwed on under your back....

you put out your hands to catch someone else's sick.

You have to cook. Every day. No more managing on lager toast fags and pot noodles for half the week.

Oh and OP: I had a thread about sicky mattresses and was given a link to Youtube re Kim & Aggie - basically stand the mattress on one side, scrub vigorously with soapy water, lay mattress flat, put towel on wet bit and jump up and down on it till towel all wet, do again with another towel then put mattress somewhere warm for the rest of the day.

When your WORK handbag contains baby wipes, a McDs happy meal toy, a stray sock & a Fifi magnet...and you look at it in the middle of a meeting and think...aaaahhhhhhh.

You don't flinch at cleaning up another persons shite
You meant to read the paper on sunday but on Friday found it papiarmache into a rocket
You reached for you lip gloss and found sudocreme. And thought fuck it.
You were writing that novel but realised a haiku was more achieveable
You would sob about your lost opportunities but you can't be arsed to answer why in correct vocbulary and age appropriate concepts.

I still have Kamilosan (sp?) nipple cream in said work handbag and think nothing of using it as lip balm in front of all & sundry

That's because you are a praent. Weirdy.

Thankfuly the words NIPPLE CREAM are small and discrete.

I reckon 'tis as good as Elizabeth Arden 8 hour thingy.

But back to parenting clues...how about the snot/sick/dribble stain that is just far enough back on your shoulder for you not to see when you look in the mirror during a cursory 'can I go out like this' glance...but just in the right place for your childless friend to spot whilst you queue at bar...

when you cheer at the sight of another human beings poo in a potty...and take a photo...and send it to your friend...
when you read more fairy stories than adult fiction, and arent bothered about it
when you watch wizard of oz 3 times and dont hesitate when a demanding child shouts again...and you watch it with her and still enjoy it (i think for me its the silence i enjoy)
xx ei xx

When you know where all of the good parks and playgounds are but not pubs or clubs...

The teaspoon section in the drawer is full of little spoons of all colours and shapes but you can never find an actual teaspoon...

The only songs you know all the words to are by the Wiggles...

You go out clothes shopping for yourself and come home with clothes for your children and nothing for you...

You have had a good nights sleep when you have only been woken up once...

You never leave the house without snacks and drinks...

Wow I could just go on and on!

When you lie in bed with a cup on your head, a cuddly toy tucked under your neck and a 3yo tells you 'cry, baby'. So you do.

then she throws proffers you a dummy to make you happy once more.