What would you do? Partner who doesn't share the load

[SlowLoris88]

We have a 1 year old daughter and my OH cannot and will not learn to cook for us as a family. I am having to cook and be responsible for every meal, planning, shopping, cooking it and serving it. He cannot seem able to organise himself enough to do a single meal. I've tried everything - I've delegated days of week he's responsible for, I've put up a meal planner, I've given him shared shopping lists, I've sent links to quick and easy recipes and cooks to follow. All of it just falls on deaf ears. Today is his turn to make dinner (once a week, that is all), and it's 2 hours before our family dinner time and he's announced he's going to Tesco to buy us all a ready meal because he hasn't given it any other thought. I'm at my wits end with it. He's always been like this with food. It was never such an issue before we had a child because we just ate separate things and it didn't matter, He's previously lived on a diet of pizza, cheese sandwiches, chips and sweets if left to his own devices, and I've always hated it and been clear about that but he's never been able to change, learn to cook or done anything about it. I do not particularly enjoy cooking and am not happy doing 100% of the work to feed our family as I do not feel this is fair, particularly given I do everything else (the money, the appointments, the clothes, the toys, education, etc). What would you do? I don't want to leave him because he can't and won't cook, but it's causing huge tension between us and resentment from myself because of the inequality of it all.

If he can go to the supermarket 2 hours before dinner he can just as easily buy ingredients rather than a meal.

Ignore the PP advice imo, it’s not acceptable to feed a 1 year old ready meals once a week because their father is too lazy to cook a simple healthy meal.

I Struggle to understand why you thought this was okay prior to a child… but now magically expect things to change because you have a child. I’m not saying this is your fault. But I wouldn’t have had a child with him until he could adequately show that he could cook at least five dinners.

In answer to your question as to what I would do ... I'd ask him to leave or I would leave, because I want a partner not another child.

I’d probably divorce him. It’s a complete lack of respect for you and your time. The fact you say you do everything too - what exactly does he bring to the table? The longer it goes on, the more comfortable into this set up he’s going to become.
Life is too short to be doing everything for a man.

Maybe he takes over everything else?

I get food and cooking aren’t his thing and never have been but 1 meal a week is nothing, and a processed salty ready meal isn’t suitable for a 1YO. Like could he not do some pesto pasta with a bit of salad or bung a jacket potato in the oven? There are plenty of idiot proof easy meals that aren’t a ready meal.

I’m sure that’s very likely.

Well, I wouldn't be cooking for him. He can sort himself out.

Tell him to shop, pay with his own money and nuke his own ready meal, leave him out of any meal you prepare Just eat healthy food with your child.

I hate the 'i don't know how to cook' excuse. If you can Google and read then you can follow a simple recipe.
Lots of recipes online with the word 'easy' in the title.

Use it as a starting point in negotiations: tell him you will meal plan, shop, and cook, every day. In return, he has to do all laundry and all cleaning / dusting / vacuuming. Discuss expectations of what this involves and how frequently.
See if he comes back with a reasonable counter offer.

Whatever is agreed, re-assess after six months. If he has not stuck to it properly, divorce is your only alternative to being his skivvy for decades.

What does he do at home? If he does all the household bill sorting (water, gas, electricity, insurance etc), gardening, car maintenance (servicing, MOT, insurance), DIY etc then maybe it's ok if he doesn't do the food stuff. What's the balance here?

Thanks for the replies

I feel stupid and naive thinking he could change and a child would give him the motivation. Tbf he did get a lot better when we were ttc and did some cooking so I guess that's why I hoped it'd continue but it's gone the opposite way and he seems completely overwhelmed with the multiple demands of being a parent

I have told him I'm not coming for him and he can sort himself out but all that happens is he gets in the way in the kitchen when im trying to cook, leaves a mess too, and we end up arguing. I also worry about what's going to happen when our soon to be toddler sees daddy eating crap and wants to eat the same and it'll make meal times even harder. Or do I tell him to eat elsewhere but again she'll eventually question why and see what he's doing. I really want her to have a good relationship with food and not be affected by all this.

I've told him many times I feel like I'm parenting 2 children. I am worried about how leaving him would ever work as we have no other family or support. I also grew up in a broken family and I desperately don't want the same for my daughter.

He cleans up the kitchen on a night, does the dishwasher, puts washing machine on for the nappies but that's about it. I do all the DIY, bills, admin stuff, house sorting etc. Had to take over all that long ago as he couldn't keep on top of any of it. He'll clean sometimes but never does it properly and I have to do it again anyway most times and he cant keep to any kind of routine with it as he just forgets and doesnt see the mess or what needs doing. Took him a month to notice id put new curtains up for example..

Please don’t use the term broken Family… it’s really not nice

I do everything else (the money, the appointments, the clothes, the toys, education, etc).

It's already a 'broken' house, with a deadbeat misogynist being a terrible example to his kid and dumping all the drudge work on you. There's no point to the man.
Don't buy into the ludicrous myth that males eyes are mysteriously blind to mess, or that he 'can't' do tasks that he would do if living alone.

A relationship is solely for enhancing all aspects of your life, making it easier and fun. That's the entire point.
This boyfriend is leeching your labour and time. A happy, peaceful life is an option.

Out of interest …What does he do for work?

He probably doesn't know how to cook. Consider getting him cooking lessons.

Stop it! Everyone has a phone and the internet at their finger tips. He can easily follow a tutorial for a simple meal.
OP having to sign him up to cooking lessons is ridiculous!

People who have impaired vision, who are missing limbs, who have chronic pain, learning difficulties, all manage to cook. It's the barest of minimums.
The adult man could, any minute, do the bare minimum to parent his child and function as as equal adult, but refuses.

'doesn't know how' is not a thing in this day and age.

Nobody needs cooking lessons. If you can read, you can cook.

This!

He’d be on hoovering and cleaning duties in my house. It’s easier to meal plan if there’s one head chef anyway, and I like cooking.

Op while yes as everyone says he needs to cop on if he cleans the kitchen, does the washing and dishwasher he’s not as useless as everyone is saying. Get him to do the shopping this week or do it together if you hate it that much. Plan together too.

Not true at all. Some people learn better being shown.