regret not making school mum friends

[CandleLightss]

when my kids started school i had just moved into a new area after an abusive relationship ended, i was pregnant and honestly looking back i was very depressed, my kids started school and i just put my head down didn’t talk to anyone and kept to myself, i didn’t realise how depressed i was at the time but it made me stay away from people and make no efforts or attempts to mix with people at the school. it’s years later now and i really regret not making friends or at least trying to at the school with the other parents, it’s too late now (many years have passed so i wouldn’t randomly just approach people now the same people that would remember me) i see the other mums standing and talking and feel so bad i didn’t try harder to make friends. it’s affected dd as well as she doesn’t get invited to things (probably because im not friends with the mums) other than a few parties at the start but those have stopped now. did anyone else regret not making mum friends?

It sounds like a really bold thing to do, but if there’s a school what’s app group for parents could you say something like when we moved and started school I was in a bad place and sorry I was so quiet. But now if anyone is up for a coffee sometime let me know. You might get tumbleweed but it’ll be no worse than now and if people don’t reply as they’re busy etc that’s ok too.

there is no school whatsapp but thanks for the suggestion, i wouldn’t feel right trying to make friends with them now they’ve known each other years it would be hard to break in now as an outsider and dd doesn’t have much long left now before she leaves anyway i guess its coming up now because its so hard to make friends as an adult and there is not a lot of other opportunities for me so i wish i had used the perfect opportunity!

Honestly? No. Because being a mum isn't enough to make me want to be friends with someone. My kids still got invited to lots of things but I think that was more because the kids were leading the invites, not their parents. The primary my kids went to wasn't full of cliques, which might be the problem your child is having, rather than any personal failing on your part. If you want to get to know people, start volunteering for stuff at the school and get stuck in. I am glad you are feeling better, don't look back on when you were depressed and beat yourself up for how you werre then. Concentrate on making friends, if they happen to be mothers whose kids go to the same school as yours, great!

Be brave and go over to one of the mums and just ask a question and it’ll start a conversation and then you’re in! Most people are nice, kind and friendly! A simple question even if you know the answer ‘sorry to bother you but do know if they need PE kit on Friday’

I'm not friends with any of the other school parents and I am quite happy with that. They are all perfectly pleasant but none of them are anyone I'd have much in common with, so I am friendly with them and interact as much as necessary when attending school events but no more than that.

If your DD is in Year 6 then probably not much point trying to change things now, if she's younger than that then I would agree with joining the PTA and volunteering for things. You might not make any firm friends but you will be able to be on more friendly terms with the people that you interact with.

it’s that easy to be friends? surely it’s more than that to get in with them? i don’t mean ive never spoken to anyone at all ive said hello to people but one day you say hello to them they say hello back the next day you say hello and they blank you 😂

year 5 and yes i agree too late now to bother

If people blank you when you say hello, you do not want to be friends with them surely??

some times they say hello back sometimes they don’t, probably because they aren’t particularly interested in becoming friends anymore who knows

I was talking about this this week, the children of parents who keep their head down get left behind. They really do.

You've still got 5 terms left at this school, I don't think it's too late to get a bit more involved with the other parents via the PTA and volunteering etc.

If someone blanks you when you say hello, I could probably forgive them it once assuming that they were busy or distracted and that it wasn't about me. If they did it repeatedly then I would know not to bother trying to be friendly with them.

i do go to a lot at the school already, i wouldn’t want to volunteer but i do go to a lot of their workshops or parent drops ins, coffee mornings etc but usually it’s parents from much younger classes so nothing has really stuck there.

Ask your DD if she wants to invite someone for a play date and go from there. I didn't talk to many mums until around year 3/4 when they were invited for tea. I never made friends but engaged in chit chat but I wasn't interested in making friends. I do think s healthy distance is good with school mums.

I’ve always been led by my DC when it comes to friends at school - it’s her place not mine - I like to support her at school and haven’t made it a place for me to make friends myself. I’m perfectly pleasant to everyone and they are to me, but just because we all had a child within 12 months of each other it doesn’t mean we all have to be friends!

Echo what a PP said above, yes make some friends and if they are mums of school kids then great but if not then equally as great! Find people who you genuinely would like to be friends with - not just “mum friends” - when it comes to senior school you are likely not see any other parents anyway.

thanks, yeah i get that if you already have a group of friends but i dont as i lost them thanks to ex so really makes it hard to make other friends

there’s not many places to make friends as an adult it’s quite limited especially a single parent who doesn’t get free time to have hobbies etc that’s my trouble

Play the dumb cookie.

Say something to one of the mums something like "Do you know if Peony Class has swimming tomorrow?" and see what develops.

i’ve spoken to mums it’s just not gone onto anything more tried to maintain it by saying hello not like i said sometimes they would respond sometimes they wouldn’t

I’m not friends with school mums. Never have been and my eldest is in Y9 now. Trust me, it has absolutely no impact on whether your dd gets invited to parties or play dates after about the age of 3. Parties in reception/Y1 are largely whole class parties or small group parties with those children who are thought to be close friends. After that, it’s totally just who their friends are. No kids are going home asking to invite Millie who they don’t get along with to their birthday party because they know their mum likes Millie’s mum.

But you do have to make an effort. Host parties, host play dates, invite friends to meet up to go trick or treating or play in the park. You do have to actively do it. But I am not friends with any of the parents in my dc’s years, with the exception of a few who are our neighbours or who I know through a hobby anyway. My dc have always been invited to lots of things and have lots of good friends.

But also don’t assume everyone has loads of friends. People don’t feel as included as you think they do. Go chat to someone at pick up time or invite them in for tea when they come to collect from a play date. They won’t run away. They’ll be grateful for your kindness.

Having friends linked with your DD probably isn't the best way to make friends. If the kids fall out if effects your friendship and visa versa if the adults fall out in effect the DCs friendship.
Do you have a job? I've met my best friends through work. If you can't work could you volunteer somewhere or join a social group? There are usually things on at local libraries or community centres. Some church's in my area do groups for adults too.

And this is why you have probably dodged a bullet. Look at it this way, you have probably just missed out on a load of fakery and drama if they're the sort that blow hot and cold, being nice one minute and rude the next. School mum friendships very rarely last beyond the school gates, I say this as a mum of older teenagers who had some lovely mum friends when mine were in primary - the reality is that people move on from the school gates friendships when you're not there every day and immersed in the school stuff which connects you.

Yes it's sad that your daughter probably has missed out as a result, but things do start to even themselves out as the kids grow and other kids begin to appreciate them for their own personalities rather than because their mums want them to play together.

Don't feel bad about it, your daughter is probably all the more resilient from not having her friendships dictated by her mum when growing up.

Hey OP, I’m not a mum but I can empathise with losing friends due to an abusive partner. I’d go for a coffee with you!

What about at other activities your dc do ?

I've become friends with parents after standing together on the touchline for a few years, watching out dc play. Or waiting for them at the swimming baths. Or helping out at Scout fundraisers.

I’d take the school gates as an opportunity to practice the kind of small talk that leads to friendships, even if the friendships don’t develop this time.

Keep an eye on which parents seem friendly, and which child they belong to. Then ask something, as suggested above - “Is tomorrow PE kit?” or “Do you know whether Pudsey Day is next week or the one after?”. When they reply say something like “Thanks! It’s so hard to keep track of everything this term, there’s so much happening, isn’t there?!”. And see if they initiate further conversation. If they don’t, you can just stand there and it’s not madly awkward because that would do for conversation.

I find that asking about their kids helps - even something like “Is XX excited about Christmas yet?” can open up a conversation about what they’re up to, how many kids they have etc.

Start small - maybe challenge yourself to speak one sentence to one person first, and go from there.

Year 5 is the PERFECT time to volunteer for the PTA. It means you get to volunteer for 2 years, rather than 7