Hate being a parent/my child

[CouldhavebeenMichaela]

I hate, and I mean HATE parenting/ my child. They are 2 and a half, for reference. This is a long one, so thank you for reading, if you do.

I'll start with pregnancy as I think it might be relevant.
I felt a bit shit in pregnancy, not excited at all... disconnected..I didn't bond with the bump, I didn't 'love them already'. It was just a physical process that I went through. It was a normative pregnancy, 'easy', all things being relative. I waited to feel bonded, I thought there would be a penny drop moment, like ahhh there ir is, but there wasnt. It felt like I was incubating a science project.

I had been excited at the prospect before, it was always what I had wanted (so I thought), I have loved children forever, found them charming and interesting, really enjoyed their company, was always great with them. I am natutally a caregiver and nurturing (professionally and in personal life).
I thought I was made for motherhood, and it me. The hugest mistake and misguided assumption of my life.

My labour was relatively normal and not traumatising, but I felt nothing when they were born. No fabled rush of love, no pride etc Just neutral I guess. I felt like pregnancy and labour happened to me? Rather than something I was actively taking part in. Oh well I thought, it will come, the feeling.

Anyway, I met all their needs, they hit all their milestones. They were a content, fed, nurtured baby. Dad is devoted and adores them, my mum couldn't love them more (she lived with us for the first 6 months). They are surrounded by love and exceptionally well looked after.

My maternity leave was flat and a test of endurance. I was crippled by anxiety, every cry sent me into overdrive . I wanted to escape from baby. I found caring for a baby a constant, horrendous slog. Nothing nice, cute or rewarding. All my friemds spoke of the 'newborn bubble', and I felt like I'd been banished to hell.

I hated the demands of motherhood. I always thought that you loved them so much that meeting their needs wouldn't feel like work, and that you'd naturally want to do it all, and take it in your stride. Not me. I didn't want to. Everything I did for them I did begrudgingly and it felt like climbing a mountain. Another fucking nappy, another bath, more washing. Etc etc I also breastfed, as had been my plan and preference. It came easy in the sense that there were no struggles with latch, supply etc. But I didn't enjoy it. There was no oxytocin for me. It felt parasitic tbh, and sometimes I wanted to fling baby off, across the room. (Yikes, I know. Sadly it gets worse)

Everyone said 'I bet you can't imagine life without them.....I bet you can't remember life before them?' But I could well remember my lovely life before. I could well imagine life without them. I used to wish I'd wake up and they'd be somehow gone.

I didn't find them enjoyable at all. They were quite a blank baby too. As in rarely smiled. content, but not happy or bubbly, if that makes sense? It took a huge effort or tickling to make them laugh or smile. Rarely was it spontaneous. Also they wouldn't really respond to me with any sort of joy or pleased to see me, didn't really seek comfort in or from me. Anyway. It would be logical here to say that perhaps baby responding to my feelings (or lack thereof) but I near kill myself masking and playing a role of good mum.

I knew I didnt feel 'normal' but I thought I had the old baby blues, or that it would pass. It didn't. It hasn't.

I said to my mum at about 7 months post partum, that I wasn't coping. She said 'you're coping beautifully', which I know was intended to be supportive and not dismissive, but had the opposite effect. Also I took such a huge run up to that moment, that was me finally acknowledging it and sharing, that it threw me of and I never really meaningfully mentioned it again.

None of parenting feels joyful, or rewarding or even remarkable. Isn't it meant to? It feels like a job. A thankless one. When they hit milestones like walking, talking, and even now as their vocabulary and understanding grows, I just think yes that's what happens. That's what they all do, provided there are no barriers etc. I don't find it wonderful or impressive, I don't think 'my clever baby', or feel proud. How depressing is that?? My mum says she's floored by them, it bowls her over how clever, the progress, the imagination etc etc. I don't feel it. I find parenting, at best, mind numbing, and at worst, fucking maddening.

Anyway the pregnancy, post natal, and first year were shit. I gave myself time to fall in love. Here we are 2 years down the line and still I don't feel it. There have been small increments of improvement, like sometimes I enjoy them, versus never. But honestly its mostly no. I am back at work and I dread the reunion at the end of everyday. I don't miss them. I long to be free of them entirely.

I enjoy some family days out, and I definitely enjoy parenting more in company, if that makes sense. One on one, I hate it.

I have masked for such a long time, and the mask is now slipping, which is why I'm writing this really. I am becoming mean/abusive?

I'm losing the will to give a shit in moments of frustration. Some examples- Mocking mimicking them crying and whinging.
Saying things like 'shut the fuck up' under my breath.....or 'I don't care what you want', not under my breath, 'get off me' , pushing them off me in bed and moving away from them on the sofa. Pushing past them after saying excuse me ten times in our stifling small kitchen. I was drying their hair after bath the other day and thought about hurting them. I didn't, but I thought about it. Not in an intrusive thought way either, like wouldn't it be awful if....more in a 'it would be such a relief to'.

Right now they are snuggled in to me on the sofa and I want to rip my skin off. I can't bear them near me, to be pawed at and clawed and breathed on, and books shoved in my face.

I can feel myself getting more physical with my frustration and verbally nasty. I don't know or recognise myself, unless this is me and I never knew before. Each time almost lowers the threshold too. So now I'm thinking how might this escalate? With me on the news? I can't believe I'm even writing this.

Am I sick, broken? Is this depression or am I just a nasty c*? I feel like a bully. I'm not even really sorry. Like objectively I know this is entirely wrong an unacceptable, but I must be warped as I feel like I'm justified or something? I know I'm not, but in the moment I feel such rage and like control?? I'm just waffling on now and appreciate this isn't a therapy session.

I can feel love, I love my mum and Dad, my husband, my cat. I can find children sweet and cute and lovely- just not mine. I was so loved as a child, have a wonderful Mum, and Dad, so its not that. Have a lovely support network in my parents and partners parents.

I don't know what I want from this post, but I had to put it somewhere beyond my mind. I suppose, has anyone felt like this, can I recover, should I be handing my child over to someone stable, what do I do.

Thank you.

Im so sorry to read this OP - and well done for being brave enough to speak out. I hope you feel some relief at being able to say all this.

Im not going to pretend to know or understand why you feel like this, but the priority has to be your child’s safety and emotional well-being which I’m sure you know.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and read him this post. He needs to know how serious this is and that it’s not just a simple case of “not enjoying parenting.”

I think whilst you work together to navigate how to unpick all of this you need to find a way for you to move out to keep your child safe. It won’t be easy but take it one step at a time. For now, until you have worked out what is happening and how to address it, your child cannot be in this environment and I think you need to temporarily remove yourself.

I would also speak to your Health Visitor/GP as it may be a form of postnatal depression (it’s not something I have enough knowledge about) but they would be a good starting point.

You need to see a doctor- from what you have said (stable loving family, capable of loving, good life etc) I think it is most likely post natal depression.

It can last much longer than the baby stage, especially if not treated, but you do need to speak to someone - well done for reaching out now, for realising how you are feeling.

Make an appointment today.

Yes well done OP not an easy one to write. I really recommend speaking with your GP. I think you're describing depression which has been ongoing for quite a while, give them a call now and see if you can get an appointment x

@CouldhavebeenMichaela yeah you need to see a Dr yesterday about all of this.

I'm going to be really blunt here because previous posters have already given the "you're so brave" reply so I'll cut right to the chase - your kid knows. It will be damaging them.

You're already getting verbally/emotionally abusive and are beginning with being physical. You are already tempted to hurt them. Get off MN and ring somebody today. Go stay at your mum's or have the child stay there, just get them away from you.

I'm perfectly prepared for a pile on saying I'm being harsh or "kicking someone when they're down" but I don't really care, this has gone way past the point of it being about you, you need to take a step back and act in your child's best interests.

Thank you all, for reading such a long post, but also for kindness and honesty. I will speak to the gp, I just wonder what they can really do or say. Medicate, or a 12 week wait for talking therapy I imagine. I suppose I will try anything. I have asked my husband to take time off and be home with me, and he has done that as of this morn. I've not said everything to him yet, but I'm working up to that today. Xx

You are right of course. Completely.

You need a break. And some help.

i had twins and the pregnancy was shit and the birth much worse. I barely remember the first year.

mine are now older and to be honest I struggled a lot during the early years but treated it as a job I was doing to get through and get them being potty trained and more reasonable people to be around.

i genuinely liked them as young children.

very few parents love their baby so much that they are happy to do anything for them.

myself I found the bond deepened over time but I have to say the terrible twos tested it something chronic.

I think seeing a gp and speaking to them about how you feel is probably a good idea.

You've written it all out and shared it with other people. Serious well done, that's a huge step.

Now you can show the post to people who can help, starting with the GP.

Well done for posting, OP. I recognise many of your feelings from my own when dd1 was tiny (traumatic birth, other stresses in life, no emotional support). 22 years later I still feel terrible for some of the things I said to her in exhaustion when she was really tiny, though I was never tempted to hurt her luckily. I just didn't want this new life and tried feverishly for 4 months to think of a way I could kill myself without her growing up and thinking what a shit mother I was. Couldn't work it out, obviously. People said did I feel depressed? No, I just felt I was shit at this new job of mine, absolutely desperate to get back to my old life, and very low about the years stretching ahead.

The turning point for me was when I found myself praying that when I got back (from the supermarket, MIL was with her) she'd have died so I'd be off the hook and it wouldn't be my fault. Somewhere I registered that that wasn't normal and booked a GP appt. They put me on antidepressants immediately and they saved my life, albeit with a bit of faffing to get the right one. I didn't have a supportive husband or HV and my attempts to talk about it were completely unsuccessful as everyone glossed over it, told me I was doing great etc.

As your child is older now, there's no doubt in my mind that this will be damaging them emotionally, as well as yourself. Please make an urgent appt and get whatever help you need. It can get better, but your child needs to be safe and feel loved. This is not a sustainable situation, please get help.

Thank you so much. I'm sorry for what you went through, thanks for sharing and I'm so glad you got through and are here. Thank you. It's looking like GP and medication is the priority.

If you arrange appointments online with your Dr surgery, cut and paste the above so you don't have to re-write. Send it off now so you don't overthink it.

You home with your child at the moment? If so, call your mum / partner / friend and get them to come over. Someone you feel comfy with- and go from there.

Don't lose momentum with getting help.

Thank you. My husband is home now. I am at work, and usually home evenings and dh at work evenings. We tag team. DH will be at home this evening and for as long as needed/is possible while we work this out. I won't be alone with my child. I'm a bit scared to copy and paste this to gp as I'm sure would trigger a social services referral. I'm terrified about that

I remember feeling similar to you OP although not quite as extreme. Honestly I think it’s probably the phase that you’re in right now which is magnifying all of this. 0-5 years is SHIT.

It gets so much better as they get older which I appreciate does not help you right now but please try and hold on to that thought.

the child you have now will in no way resemble the child they will grow into. They evolve and frankly it’s fucking wonderful as they become more grown up, able to communicate fully, have a laugh with you, they obviously become far less dependent on you.

I had so much regret in the first 5 years. Mine was a real handful too. But things are SO much better now and in no way resemble what life used to look like (mine is 12)

I do think it’s a case of gritting your teeth, holding on to the fact that this won’t be forever and just do the absolute best you can for your child who obviously deserves your love, attention and compassion.

I understand that op but again, this has gone past the point of being about you. You are actively tempted to hurt your child. In your mind ATM you do not want them around and are being verbally/emotionally abusive and on the borderline of getting physical. Your child is TWO YEARS OLD and didn't ask for any of this. She is not safe with you and needs help, as do you and your family. So please please go and get it.

Thank you. I agree it's not about me. More that does that trigger an emergency fostering type of scenario. I don't want that for my child, to be in the system, where god knows what could be happening- I know that sounds insane and hypocritical given my post, but i have family who can step in here, while i step away and get sorted. Without too much upheaval for dc and no strangers involved. I think what I'm saying is, can I just say to GP that I'm depressed, without the detail.

Jesus Christ. Never feeling connected to a child, not wanting them, sitting there and thinking of hurting them is not "a phase" FFS. @CouldhavebeenMichaela isn't struggling with being a bit tired, her kid being a bit hyper, wanting a night off, it is so so far beyond that, it is quite literally written down in her opening post.

She has family support (thank goodness) but sometimes it just isn't enough.

Stop minimising what she has taken a lot of courage to come on here and say and don't pretend it's not going to take some serious work/help/intervention to make sure her and her child are ok.

God I love this place sometimes...

MN when something terrible happens and it's on the news - "oh how did this happen"?!!

MN when a mum posts about never feeling anything for her child, wanting them gone, pushing them, telling them they don't care or to "shut the fuck up", mocking them when crying and seriously considering hurting them because they're so resentful "oh it's just a phase, you're being so brave, parenting is shite isn't it" ...

I absolutely despair.

@CouldhavebeenMichaela I really, genuinely hope your family gets the support it needs xx

Please get some help OP. Immediately xx

I can't thank you enough tbh. I needed to hear this. More than you know. I think I was looking for this response. Its not and I'm not okay.

@CouldhavebeenMichaela personally I think you need to show this to your mum and husband. Tell them this is how you feel and you cannot have it escalate. Then if possible stay with your mum for a while to ensure that you and your child are both safe.

That you are aware there is a problem is the first step, but now you need to put protection in place for your child. It is ok if you don’t love them, but it is still a child that needs safety and love, if you can’t give that now (or even potentially in the future) then take the right steps to make sure it doesn’t impact them.

FWIW I do think that you are being brave to be honest, as someone with intrusive thoughts from OCD I know how awful it can be. You need to make the right choices for an innocent child though, and remove yourself from the situation in the short term whilst you work through your own issues.

Deal with that if it happens- and honestly social services are often seen as the boogey man- but it's deffo not always the case. Don't overthink it. It will be faster to get the right help if you tell them straight up. The other way is just long winded and a bit annoying. You sound like someone who wants to get help, and the right type of help- so tell them everything so that happens.

Agree with the above post. Social services aren't the enemy. As soon as its out in the open engage with health care professionals and HV/ social services. You have a support network and you're seeking help. This is the most important thing. Doesn't mean this has to define you or your relationship with your child x

If you are able to remove yourself from home and take steps not to be alone with DC, Social services wouldn't remove her.
I don't think going to the GP and describing depression is going to make them see the urgency of getting you the right help.

what have you told your husband so far, for him to have arranged time off? Will he be supportive?

Also they wouldn't really respond to me with any sort of joy or pleased to see me, didn't really seek comfort in or from me.
This is because they sense your indifference and hostility.

You know this can't go on and you have taken the first step by writing this post.

I would go as far as to say your thoughts are not normal - we all get deeply irritated by the demands of children at times, but your feelings are in a different league.

Your OH needs to know chapter and verse. And you must see a doctor - now. Not just for your sake, but for your child's.

I am wishing you good luck with this. You have not chosen the hand you have been dealt but you can approach the problem honestly and openly as you are now beginning to do.

I think you should copy and paste this to 'early help'. If you Google early help + your council name it should take you to a self referral page.

Tell the GP, take the meds. They will lift your mood enough that then when you finally get to the top of the waiting list for therapy, you are well enough to engage with it. My psychiatrist once said that you can be too ill to make CBT work, sometimes the tablets need to come first and I think from your post this is one of those times.