“just force them out”

[BabyBa]

what do you do when your child gets to an age where they don’t want to come out anymore but equally too young to leave home alone? i get forced them out which i usually do and did do today but the whole day they have been absolutely awfully behaved like literally so horrible that i regret going out. they dont enjoy themselves when out like people say will happen

(under assessment for asd but not sure thats relevant)

Encourage them out when you can OR
Leave one parent at home when you can
OR
Send them to a grandparent (often the threat of this encourages them out with you)
OR
Get a grandparent to come over and be with them
OR
Arrange for them to see friends and the other parent be “on call” if there’s a problem.

It’s a short wait until they can be left alone for a short time, and becomes a muddle-through until they can be left for a reasonable period. It is so sad when they can be left alone though, as then they don’t always come!

Sadly just me at home and no grandparents

Try your best to reason with them. Listen to what they want. Compromise when and where you can. Sometimes force them out. Have some clear guidelines around not ruining a day out for everyone else (but keep compromise in mind). It's a mixed bag. There isn't one solution.

How old is the child?

9

They fear something. Try to find out what keeps them from feeling safe outside.

(under assessment for asd but not sure thats relevant) Of course this is massively relevant.

Where are you trying to force them to go?

To the doctor/dentist/school - yes they need to go.

To a cafe/beach/park/other - this is an inessential trip, why are you trying to force it?

they dont enjoy themselves when out like people say will happen who is saying this will happen? Do they know your child is being assessed for ASD?

Could you get a babysitter?

I think you have to remember at 9 they’re not too old yet, very different to a teen where they could be left home but as people say it depends on where and whether for example you can get it done when they’re in school or can do it online. There’s a line between reasoning/ bribing (which I do regularly resort to, especially when I can keep calm and act like it’s a normal/ good thing eg we’ll go to nannas, I’ll get you a magazine/ we might get something nice while we’re there/ you can go on your device when we’re there a while) but also remembering they are so young and do have to come with you because life is sometimes having to go somewhere you don’t want to

I’d say the awaiting diagnosis part is massively relevant. DSC never wanted to go out; and if we did, they needed to know exactly where we were going, how long we’d stay, who’d be there, who’d arrive first, if we needed to go on the motorway (massive issue).

Ps to above, I know you said they don’t always have fun but I do regularly tell my kids to remember that sometimes they will have fun when they least expect it and sometimes unfortunately they won’t and we can’t just always stay in. My youngest used to hate eg going on hikes, fair enough as smaller so it’s tougher, but it’s not feasible to just stay home, life is about experiences

What did you do when you went out? If the whole day was a disaster, what made it so bad?
I don't particularly like going out, never have, since I was younger than your DC. I didn't always see a point to it. Even now in my 50s, I won't go for a walk or a coffee, because there's no point.

Food. Its the only way I can get mine out. I bribe them with takeaway or coffee shop. Then they will come otherwise its a no.

As pp said - lunch. I used to tell my oldest dd that if she behaved and came along we would have a nice lunch of her choosing. It was our compromise.

I’ve got one the same age with asd. Can be a nightmare to get out of the door. Enjoys it usually once there. But we go to places that don’t require queuing, I clearly explain what we are going to do it what order, if we are eating out, if they will be able to buy something of their choosing.
First visits to places are usually stressful and often not enjoyed. Second ones and later ones are because they know exactly what to expect. They like museums so we visit local museums a lot. Going for a walk is usually considered boring unless it’s to do a trail, with friends, an organised walk. Mine will walk a lot further in the local seaside resort and not complain than they will across the moors.

I have the same issue. All they want to do is stay at home on screens so I do force the issue. They can be lazy as fuck. Life is one long battle but I persevere. I will not leave them at home to fester on an iPad.

I’m not clear if these are errand type trips out, or day trips for interest. If latter, I think there has to be some compromise between known and familiar and unknown/less predictable. Good advice upthread re kind of things to consider.

I do think it’s important to challenge them sometimes with manageable chunks of unknown because anxiety just grows if you give into it. and their world risks becoming very small. But it’s hard sometimes to find the sweet spot between supporting development with a new experience and overwhelm. Really this is most kids but it’s much more of an issue for children who find change hard/might be somewhere on the autistic spectrum. Don’t give up on going out but maybe have half days, give appropriate control where you can ie not a veto but either or choices of when/what to eat (take sandwiches or buy some out) where to go, etc. I hope you find things to do that are interesting and fun sometimes.

I think they get to an age where they want input. Its not mum and dad have organised. It where do you want to go/do. Plus nudge a little to push them out of their comfort zone to experience new things. Food is a great motivator especially for boys. Took mine to Home bargains yesterday, the face was like a slapped arse all way round until I picked up a pack of sausage rolls. Literally all smiles. Not healthy but did the job so I could get what I wanted and get home. Its hard work, find their Achilles heel and use it.

What kind of trips? Do they hate all going out?

it was going out for food

Hire a babysitter.

no just one and we went out for food but the trips could be anywhere doesn’t matter where we go

Possibly because they aren’t the only people who matter in the family?

yes exactly, its the holidays and i have other children that want to go out

@BabyBa was it come on we are going out for food type of thing. Drag along. That wont work. You have to start at home with the we are thinking of going for food, what do you fancy? Their choice in the decision process. Everyone talks about food and then you all decide on 1 place. They dont have it all their own way, its a family decision. Cant be done all the time and there are times when you have to suck up the miserable face. Tbh it boils my piss because wtf have they got to be miserable about eh! However life is all about compromise the hormones for them are kicking in. Sometimes i shout because ive not the time to fart round and need to just get things done,other times on planned days out you can involve them more. Sometimes they have just got to be miserable because that is also life having to do shit you dont want to do, tough luck suck it up. Its hard until they are old enough to stay at home on their own.

9??? They come out when they are told to come out. Any bad behaviour when out has consequences when they get home.