My partner doesn't seem to like spending time as a family, what do I do?

[staircasefawn]

I live with my partner and our toddler who recently turned two. My Partner doesn't get involved with family life or seem that enthused about spending time together and it's making me so upset.

I do 99.9% of the childcare and housework. I don't mind doing the bigger jobs (e.g cleaning the bathroom) as I'm home earlier and work less hours but my partner won't even put his plate in the dishwasher after eating. He'll come home and go straight to laying on the sofa looking at his phone or play Xbox in the living room whilst I play/read with our toddler. I've tried talking to him about it but he just says he's needs to relax after work.

It's the same at the weekend. Any downtime he'll lay on the sofa and look at his phone. He won't play with our toddler he'll just put the TV on for him.

I appreciate family outings aren't the most exiciting but I just want to make some nice memories. Whenever we go anywhere, my partner will moan and say he's bored or just look at his phone. He won't join in with family photos. I've tried asking him what he wants to do with our son but he never gives any suggestions. We don't have to do expensive activities all the time, I'd be more than happy with a walk or going to the park. I've tried speaking with him about his mental health too, if he's feeling low or struggling but he says he's fine.

It's honestly breaking my heart we don't have nice family time. I just want to feel happy and loved and I don't feel like that at all. I'm lonely a lot of the time and so jealous when my friends speak about doing nice things with their partners.

I don't know what to do at this point. Any advice is welcome. We've been talking about another baby and I really want one but I know realistically there's no point having another one if I'm basically a single parent.

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Don't have another baby. He's a crap dad and a crap partner. You should consider cutting your losses.

Don’t have another baby with someone who has no interest in family life. It’s not fair on the baby.

Sorry OP but he doesn't really sound like a family man.

Ditch him. Resentment will kill this relationship. Give yourself one less job to do…looking after a useless bloke.

Don’t have another baby and make plans for leaving your partner. He will not change, this will make you angry and resentful and your son will soon notice that dad has no interest in him.

Why on earth are you with this selfish idiot? What are you getting from him? Do yourself a favour and dump him please!

I'm so sorry OP but when ours were that little, my DH couldn't wait to get home from work and see them - he was fully involved in playing with them, changing & bathing and bedtime stories etc. That's how a dad of young children should be!

Your partner sounds lazy and selfish. I definitely would not be thinking about having another baby with him. I'd be thinking very carefully about leaving. Do you want to spend your life with someone who doesn't seem interested in family life?

Well, this is the partner you have.

Tbh if I’m honest I would have another baby and give up on ‘family time’. Some men get better when the kids are older. Make alternative family links - do you have a mum, a sister, cousins? Some dads and FILs are great grandparents. What I did was make a big local network of other mums. It wasnt brilliant at weekends and I had to live with that but in the week it was pretty good.

Do I think this is how it should be? No. Can I analyse this from a feminist point of view, or just a human point of view? Yes. In the meantime, make life work how it is. I personally dont think splitting up and finding a stepdad makes life much better for kids. Sorry.

Sounds like he doesn’t enjoy the relationship or family time anymore, but is too lazy to leave so he’s doing whatever he wants, then if you want to leave he’s not the bad guy.

I would have a serious talk with him about what he thinks he is bringing to your life and your DC's life @staircasefawn . What is in this for you exactly?

'Going to work' is nowhere near enough of a contribution. Mums work too and usually disproportionately are the ones to pretzel their work life around the family's needs. Many men 'work more hours' because they simply could not be arsed to inconvenience themselves into fitting their work around parenting responsibilities.

It’s a shit idea to deliberately bring another child into a crap relationship with a father that doesn’t want the baby.

We've been talking about another baby

Why on earth would you even consider this? He won't get any better with a second child. He's already a lazy waste of space as it is. How will you feel once your dc realises that his/her dad doesn't care about them? Why would you put a second baby through that?

Exactly. Not to mention OP isn't married and is already working fewer hours. Add another baby in and you've got huge childcare bills or else OP ends up working less or not at all and then she's stuck.

He isn't going to change. He is very happy with his life, he goes to work, comes home, the wife cooks his meals, washes his clothes, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. He sees you as his personal slave, I mean you put his plate in the dishwasher for goodness sake.

Stop thinking about having another child with this man. You feel unloved, unhappy and lonely. Why would you keep this going? You deserve so much better than this, you deserve what you hear other people talking about.

You need to sit down and talk to him. Tell him this isn't working for you and either he can start being involved in family life and domestic chores or he can do all the domestic chores as he will be living alone. It isn't enough to bring home a wage, that cannot be his only contribution to this family. Your son deserves better for a Dad and you deserve better for a partner.

If this isn't the wake up call he needs then you need to get out of this relationship. I rarely advise people to leave but your son will go to school and see other Dads collecting his classmates, he will hear about Dads taking their children swimming or to parties and he will start to realise his Dad doesn't do any of this. This will destroy his self worth, he will wonder why he isn't good enough.

As you are unmarried do you own the house together? Are you in rented? You need to start looking into how this is going to to play out when you separate.

Why do you baby an adult like that? Doesn’t contribute around the house means he doesn’t get dinner or clean clothes. You have one toddler and should focus on looking after them. If you’re doing everything for the toddler you don’t have time or energy to do it for the grown man.

So he was all excited and had plans and changed once the child was born? why?

This.

Why on earth would he want another child when he has so little to do with the one he has? My guess is to keep you trapped as his mum/ maid / warm body for sex.

And please don’t be swayed by his total disinterest in his children. Family days out are exciting. We really looked forward to ours and seeing the kids playing at the beach, petting zoos. Later doing more adventurous activities. But we got a kick out of seeing the kids having fun but we were joining in and I have to say getting a real kick out of the activities too. It was all exciting in its own way.

OP I’m honestly not sure this is salvageable. He does not appear interested in the job of parenting. I might consider cutting my losses here if it were me.
However it’s worth a try first. Right now he has no incentive to change so that is what needs fixing. Just pointing it out and asking hasn’t worked. The status quo needs to become uncomfortable to elicit change.
Obviously the tried and trusted technique of stop doing things that benefit only him - eg his washing, any home areas only he uses. If you have 2 bathrooms, designate a his and hers. Eat with toddler before he gets home and dont cook for him. Dont buy foods only he likes. I’d be honest why too - you never clean up or participate in meal prep, even to watch baby whilst I do it, so why should I cook for you.
i would also stop urging him to participate in family days but go out a couple of evenings a week and one full day on the weekend - alone. Leave him with bedtime in the week and all care on the weekend day. Even if he sticks the baby in front of the TV (which won’t hurt for a few weeks or even a couple of months) he will still have to do meals and personal care. Find a course or a hobby. If he complains at the weekend, say well you would prefer to do things as a family but he doesn’t seem interested so splitting the time seems fairest. If HE (not you) wants to organise something for next weekend instead, you are happy to join in (but then go out for 1/2 day the other day - it does not fall into the dynamic of 1 day family - where you do all baby care - and 1 day for him). Basically try to withdraw wife services - if he wants the life of a single parent let him have it. But the key point is single PARENT, not single man.
A last point, presumably you are working less hours as you are picking up baby and doing childcare instead. So you don’t work less hours. You work different hours and I bet yours are actually longer. Don’t think you need to pick up extra tasks to even things out. I’d try to do whatever YOU need to get done in the period between stopping work and him coming home and then trying hard to do equally nothing from the time he gets home. Put toddler with him next to the Xbox and go read upstairs (it’s not forever, just until you can see if he is capable of change)

That's so sad. This is life now people stuck on their phones or computer games living in their own little world.
Children can be boring to an adult but if you are an adult you have to make the effort to reap the rewards. Your DC will have no happy memories of his father.
Maybe he is one of those people who takes to fatherhood when they are older and able to speak and be a bit more fun to interact with.
My first husband decided to go abroad alone to work after my DS was born so horrified was he with family life but they seem to have a pretty decent relationship now he is an adult. We are divorced.
Id definitely put a stop to him dumping all the house work onto you though. That's outrageous.

Op does he have other children?

There’s literally no point in having this person in your home…..straight in the bin! This sounds utterly miserable and the only way you can change it is to move on. Good luck xx

You need to think about the phrase 'actions speak louder than words' here.
If someone loves you, they want to be around you and take pleasure from it.
Its also one thing to not enjoy family time, but he also doesnt care enough about you to not want you to be doing all the work. He's okay with you doing all the work. He's fine with you being exhausted. He's fine with not doing any parenting. He's fine being a crap dad (very easy for a dad to say they love their child and look like a good dad, but being a good dad actually involves spending time with your kid) if he loved you and liked you and wanted you to be happy, he would be thinking 'family life isnt that enjoyable for me, but I cant just leave it all to my partner, that would make me a really shitty partner and an even shittier dad, and I cant do that to either of them' but he's not, is he? He doesnt care.

You are already effectively a single parent, so if I were you, I would formalise that arrangement. That way, you will continue do 99% of everything but without the resentment.

I definitely wouldn’t be having another baby with him! That wouldn’t be fair to bring another baby with a shit father into the world.