Parent keeps messaging me about incident between our children at school

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Would really appreciate some advice from other parents ❤️

I’m dealing with a bit of a friendship situation between my children and another child at school, and I’d love to hear how other parents would handle it.

Recently, the other child’s mum contacted me to say her daughter had been coming home upset and saying my children had been unkind to her. I’ve also been hearing from my children about things this child has said to them, including calling one of them rude or horrible and telling them to go away during an activity at school. One of my children spoke to a teacher about an incident, and the teacher addressed it with the other child.

Now I’ve received another message saying that one of my children told the other child that Father Christmas isn’t real. I’m going to speak to my child about this, although they still believe in Father Christmas themselves, so I suspect they may have repeated something they heard elsewhere without really thinking about it.

What I’m finding difficult is that the other parent has said she is “struggling to see how we move past this” because her daughter is only six and she wants her to believe in Father Christmas for as long as possible. I understand why she is upset, as it’s something magical for young children, and I’m not dismissing her feelings. However, I’m unsure how I’m supposed to approach this, particularly as my child still believes in Father Christmas too.

I completely understand that all children can say or do things that upset others, and I’m not suggesting my children are blameless. We teach them to be kind and respectful, but they’re still learning how to manage friendships, disagreements and their emotions.
What I’m finding difficult is that I seem to be receiving messages about different incidents quite frequently, and I don’t want this to turn into a daily back-and-forth between parents. I want to deal with things appropriately, listen to my children, and take concerns seriously, but I also feel that children need some space to learn how to navigate friendships, with guidance from parents and teachers where needed.

How would you handle this? Would you continue discussing each incident with the other parent, suggest that the teacher helps manage any issues at school, or have one calm conversation with the parent to agree on how to move forward?

I’d really appreciate hearing how others have handled similar situations, especially when both sides of the story need to be considered. I want the children to feel happy and safe at school, without the situation becoming bigger than it needs to be. ❤️

An older child told DD2 that there was no Santa when she was four. She forgot about it and I think we still got to nine or ten before she twigged, same for DD1.

I’m in the camp of ‘please report your concerns to the school rather than me as they are present and best placed to deal with it’ and then block her. That way if she tries to tackle you outside the school gates you can grey rock her with ‘report your concerns to the school, not me’.

I know.
Im devastated hearing this
I still believe

it would be interesting to hear exactly what it is your kids are saying / doing that has upset this child (aside from the Santa thing)

There’s back-and-forth and then there’s meanness. And defensiveness ‘well they did it too’ when they’re caught out. You seem to have instantly assumed the other mum’s version of events is overdramatised and that it’s equally weighted on both sides but perhaps the child was calling them ‘rude and horrible’ because they are, in fact, rude and horrible and she’s ’standing up for herself’, like everyone wants.

Your daughters also always have someone else to back them up in school - that’s quite a force to be reckoned with if you’re trying to deal with unkindness on your own.

This is all the reply this nonsense needs.

Are your children ganging up for some reason?
You and the other mother need a chat with the school - too much toing-and-froing and she said / he said.
It needs sorting once and for all.

How would I handle it? Tell the other mum to grow up and block the number. Just wondering who is the child here. You are too invested.

Children constantly fall in and out of friends. They tell one another your horrible, go away, I don't want t play with you and so on. Children push and shove one another in the playground. They snatch. Its what children do and always have done. They get past it without helicopter parents getting involved.

I’d ignore her message and block. I might consider speaking with the class teacher and let them know the situation, should this parent start going to them instead.

Would you really though? You’d send a snappy message and block her?

This would be social suicide amongst the school mums and also on behalf of the kids who wouldn’t be invited to anything if mum is a persona non grata.

Sadly we have to play nicely with other parents at school, even the annoying ones!

Honestly? I would send a polite message to say that you are going to talk with the school as the back and forth messages don’t seem to be helping. Then archive her for a bit. You can unarchive her after a week or so. She won’t ever know she was archived so it will be less dramatic than blocking - she’ll think you just haven’t read her messages. Be aware, though, that she might try ringing you when you stop responding.

If a "thanks for letting me know, however in future please let the teacher know so they can handle whatever it is thats going on" hasnt worked then just block, mute, or leave any other messages on read.

We really don't. Not everyone wants to join in the school politics crap. Drop on the bell, pick up on the bell and absolutely no group WhatsApp. Couldn't think of anything worse, we've moved away from common sense.

Too many people out there seem desperate to get in with people who just happened to have sex at the same time.

As for the santa thing - I think your kid might believe less than you realize... Children often "believe" in front of their parents for a while, even if they have heard or found out that he isn't real

THIS. As soon as I was old enough to compare the width of our chimney and the width of an adult man I realised it was all a game, but I kept up with the game in case I lost my presents. Surely they all figure out that flying animals and time travel don't happen any other time of the year.

This. You shouldn't have to deal with this OP. Tell the school they are harassing you.

I think I'd push it back to school (sorry teachers).

I'd probably say something like:

Hi X, it seems like your daughter is reporting a lot of issues to you, and my twins are also coming home with similar complaints. It's probably normal playground squabbles, but I'm going to loop the teacher in so she can keep an eye on them all. That way she can let us know if there's anything serious going on that needs to be addressed at home (re Santa, yes I've heard that there's been some chatter about whether he's real on the playground. It's unfortunate but unavoidable I think. Lucky my two seem to still believe).

How would you handle this?

every time she contact you directly, redirect her to contact the school to deal with this as its happening at school.

just keep sending her to the school, the teacher to deal with anything that has happened at school.

Say best to contact teacher as I wasn't their when the happened, best to contact the school so they can deal with this directly when this happens and nip it in the bud.

You need to firmly but gently tell her that it’s not appropriate for the two of you to be trying to hash out a relationship between your children. It needs to be handled by the school since neither of you are there when any of this behaviour is (or is not 🙄) occurring. Ask her in the future to speak to the school directly and that you will be blocking her.

My guess is that the school knows she’s a bit bonkers and isn’t entertaining any of this, hence why she’s coming for you directly. She will soon move on to the next person once you are no longer feeding the dragon.

I stood in my kitchen listening to a playdate kid tell my DC that Father Christmas was not real. That playdate kid then went home and told his DM that my DC had told them that FC was not real. That playdate kid was a lying troublemaker and that was the veil being lifted from my eyes. Of course the mother thinks her DC is JC reborn, so wasted no time telling me and everyone else what a terrible thing my DC had done. Nothing you can do but ignore and refuse to engage with the crazy people and their nasty 'D'C in the future. Just ignore and block. No more playdates no more playground chitchat. Tell your own DC to steer well clear of this kid, troublemakers and attention-seekers who get off on the attention of being a victim, even to the point of fabrication, are not friends.

Just keep answering blandly “ok thanks for letting me know” - it’s polite but doesn’t invite any further discussion

i wouldn't engage with the mum ,other than saying you will investigate what has happened .I would ask to see the class teacher about any concerns regarding friendship issues with this particular child and your children at school to get an adult perspective of what is going on at school.AsK your children their perspective.
The Father Christmas issue is tricky as people will have different norms and values around this and children with older siblings will become sceptical earlier .
Psychological studies suggest 7/8 yrs is common for sceptical/finding out the truth age range. My DD came home at 6 yrs and said child A had told her FC didnt exist and it was just a pretend that adult did for young children.(child A was autistic and super bright and not from a culture that celebrates Christmas (eventually went to university at 13 yrs old). Child A also cast aspersion on the tooth fairy ,easter bunny and Jesus christ! so i had my work cut out!
i just said "i believe" some people don't. We watched The MOVIE "Miracle on 34 th street" i think when the construction workers in New York put the "i believe sign up"it clinched the deal and we got a few got a few Christmas' out of that. We laugh about it now they are grown up.
Bottom line : Dont engage with arguing the toss on kids friendship issues directly ,it never end well . If you do respond say...Im sorry to hear that, ill investigate what has happened here and speak to my children.

Reading this as a parent of a three-year-old who has not hit the school years yet, and honestly this is the sort of thing I am already dreading about class WhatsApp groups. My husband and I have a rule of thumb that we try not to litigate kid stuff between parents, because children fall out and make up five minutes later while the adults end up in a full feud.

I would send one short, kind, final message along the lines of: "I've spoken to the kids, and from now on I think it's best that anything happening at school goes through the teachers." Then I would stop replying. You do not owe her a discussion every time something minor happens. Protecting that boundary also protects your children, because they will pick up on the tension.

The Father Christmas thing would be the least of my worries. Kids talk, and hers will find out one way or another. Solidarity.

Seriously? 😂 😂

Please tell me this is a joke!!!

Look, she shouldn't be contacting you directly number one, you can either disengage and ignore completely or you can draw a hard line and say you won't engage any further and you think it is best for her and her daughter to raise it with school directly.

No two - the Father Christmas issue, your daughter clearly doesn't not not believe any more, I am incredibly doubtful she still does, also incredibly doubtful she was just imparting a fact, in my experience the Father Christmas debunking is a particularly sh*tty stick some of the more malevolent little darlings like to wield.

My conclusion is your problem is not the other girls Mother. However irritating she might be.

Yep, they really do need to reinstate that 😂 emoji on here!

You message her and say:

‘Thanks for letting me know. To avoid any misunderstandings, I’d appreciate if you could raise any issues with the class teacher from now on, so they can raise with me if necessary. Take care.’

and if she continues, block her.