Parent keeps messaging me about incident between our children at school

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Would really appreciate some advice from other parents ❤️

I’m dealing with a bit of a friendship situation between my children and another child at school, and I’d love to hear how other parents would handle it.

Recently, the other child’s mum contacted me to say her daughter had been coming home upset and saying my children had been unkind to her. I’ve also been hearing from my children about things this child has said to them, including calling one of them rude or horrible and telling them to go away during an activity at school. One of my children spoke to a teacher about an incident, and the teacher addressed it with the other child.

Now I’ve received another message saying that one of my children told the other child that Father Christmas isn’t real. I’m going to speak to my child about this, although they still believe in Father Christmas themselves, so I suspect they may have repeated something they heard elsewhere without really thinking about it.

What I’m finding difficult is that the other parent has said she is “struggling to see how we move past this” because her daughter is only six and she wants her to believe in Father Christmas for as long as possible. I understand why she is upset, as it’s something magical for young children, and I’m not dismissing her feelings. However, I’m unsure how I’m supposed to approach this, particularly as my child still believes in Father Christmas too.

I completely understand that all children can say or do things that upset others, and I’m not suggesting my children are blameless. We teach them to be kind and respectful, but they’re still learning how to manage friendships, disagreements and their emotions.
What I’m finding difficult is that I seem to be receiving messages about different incidents quite frequently, and I don’t want this to turn into a daily back-and-forth between parents. I want to deal with things appropriately, listen to my children, and take concerns seriously, but I also feel that children need some space to learn how to navigate friendships, with guidance from parents and teachers where needed.

How would you handle this? Would you continue discussing each incident with the other parent, suggest that the teacher helps manage any issues at school, or have one calm conversation with the parent to agree on how to move forward?

I’d really appreciate hearing how others have handled similar situations, especially when both sides of the story need to be considered. I want the children to feel happy and safe at school, without the situation becoming bigger than it needs to be. ❤️

If I were you, I'd say "If you have a concern about something that occcured in school, please discuss with the teacher." From a pp, I think this is perfect. Then keep repeating until she stops messaging.

However, I would mention that as your daughter still believes in FC too, it's highly unlikely that your DD would have said he doesn't exist. I would also make the school aware that there seems to be some issue between the 2 children, you keep getting messages from this parent and could they just keep an eye on things.

Great, so you can block her then, right?

What I would do is email her saying that since these things are going on at school, then school needs to handle them. You’re not there so you don’t know what’s going on.

Then I would email the school and copy her in.

‘I’ve been hearing reports that my children and X are having friendship problems at school which are causing upset. Please would you look into this for me?’

Then ignore any emails she sends you.

One polite answer. Block her. Ignore.

How pathetic. The age of parents being far too embroiled in playgroup activity. It’s part of life and she is feeding the drama.

I went through very similar to this when my DD was in primary school. I told the mum that I didn’t think it was appropriate for us to get involved and children need to problem solve and work these things out, I spoke to the school to check that there wasn’t an issue (the other Mum reported lots of behaviour from my DD that my DD was adamant was untrue) the school did not see what the Mum was reporting. Eventually it got so bad that I blocked her and had to ask her not to approach any of my children in the school playground (as she had also done this) or come to my door (ditto) and if she did I would contact police. It was the school who suggested this to me, from what they said, they were also experiencing a similar level of interaction from her.
it was bloody awful OP and impacted my DD a lot (and me). All children have the ability to be be unkind at one time or another, but I honestly don’t believe is getting involved and fighting their battles for them is the answer. Keep talking to your LO and help them reflect and problem solve, being accountable where needed and exploring outcomes from kind behaviour.
i would block this women before it gets out of hand as no good can come from this and if you haven’t already, have a chat with the school so they can let you know if they have concerns that they feel need intervention.
i really feel for you OP and hope you and you LO can find some peace from this.

Parent shouldn’t be contacting you about what is happening in school.

My DS believed in Santa for quite a long time. Despite being told by another boy that it was the parents who left the presents. This other boy was from a very Christian household, and they didn’t want Santa as the main fellow of the season. I just told him that of course Santa didn’t leave presents in that household as his friend didn’t believe in Santa. He seemed quite satisfied with that.

Just say ‘Thank you for letting me know’ and then mute her - she’s probably doing this to other parents too.

My DC moved schools for 6th form and I've got parents messaging me about my DC and their DC, arranging outings for them and what they should do over the summer.

A lot of parents are really doing their DC no favours at all. There is very little resilience built in today's DC.

I would say il speak to my child and if there is any further issues I suggest you contact the school since its happening at school

“Hi Sarah, sorry to hear about the problems the kids are having at school.
I’ll check in with mine and see if I can get to the bottom of it, kids of this age constantly fall out and make friends again so I’m sure it will settle.
If you could direct any further conversations about what is happening at school directly to the class teacher/school staff hopefully they will be able to get to the bottom of what is going on/who said what as they will have witnessed the dynamics between them and I haven’t.
Thanks for giving me a heads up
love Twins Mum”

I’ve always sent something similar to any parent that would send me a message about my children, I used to get it from one mum in particular about my eldest (as did some of the other parents).
It usually stops if you’re quite direct although I did have to send a repeat blunt message of
‘I’m not sure what you expect me to do as I wasn’t there to witness the event and it all sounds fairly implausible that mine would have randomly said that. Please speak to the teacher instead of me and I’ll do the same’
I have to no patience for it now I’m on child number 3 at primary 😂

You need to get school to step in and sort it out between the kids.

This is ridiculous. You need to let her know that Father Christmas isn't actually real :)

Just block and ignore. Is she approaches in the playground smile, nod and say please talk to the school if she has any concerns.

Wow she's bold to message you directly. Especially when what children comes home saying at that age is not100% accurate. Like others have said, say I'm not sure what you're talking about. I'd mention this to the teacher as well so she's aware of the parent crossing this line and stirring up trouble.

Also, imo the whole santa thing is for preschoolers. Once at school they all hear from other kids so I'd be honest about that.

I had this as well-parent to asked why my DS didn't want to be friends with their DS and that we should get together to discuss!

Some parents are unbelievable and helicopter the shit out of their DC. Imagine this girl's life where her mum has to get involved with everything.

Just say you don't want to know or be involved. If she has a problem she can talk to the teachers. Keep it brief don't get into any back and forth. If she responds ignore ignore ignore.

Christ OP, this mother has got a lot of long and extremely stressful school years ahead of her if she is getting her knickers in such a twist now about nothing and her child is only 6!

Stop engaging with this woman. I'd have a quick work with the teacher about her messages to you but make it clear that you are not complaining about the school/teacher and that you are fed up with this mother's constant moaning.

The advice upthread is solid. Just respond and tell her to speak to the teacher. I'd not go into a long old response with her.

And by the way, you said you're not in her gang - be very thankful for this! She sounds unhinged.

The school are hardly going be be interested and rightly so! They have actual teaching to do and not get involved with who said Santa isn't real!

The parent knows this and that's why they have have messaged OP.

I know the children are only 6, but she won’t be doing her child any favours. If something is bad enough that it requires adult intervention then you would speak to the school, if not then you need to be helping the child to manage their emotions and equip them with what they need to handle interactions with others. She must be just validating every single thing her child says as a big deal that mummy needs to deal with, not great parenting!

Would be tempted to convey that to her somehow but I agree with PP, best thing is to keep minimal, refer her to school for issues and get across that you do t want to be messaged in future.

Yes I think this is a reasonable response.

I have to be honest OP, I came to the thread thinking I would say she was being over-invested, but reading your posts, I can't shake the feeling that maybe your twins ARE being just a little bit mean. The words "horrid" and "rude" are things a child would say to them if they were upsetting them, not jibes that come out of the blue. The fact you said they stick up for each other also sounds as though they work as a bit of a tag team, which can result in a bullying vibe. Just being honest, since you have asked for feedback.

For that reason, I would be inclined to give a civil response like the one above, not just block or tell her, effectively, to eff off, or you will only reinforce the impression of a family of bullies.

I think suggesting the child tells the teacher at the time is a sensible one. It doesn't diminish what has happened, but makes a practical point about dealing with it at the time, and refers it to an objective third party.

It could be a bit two against one if you have twins, the other child may be a bit intimidated by two children both being a bit mean at the same time. I would talk to your children about it, if I was the other parent I would talk to the teacher if she thinks the twins gang up on her child.

If your kid is at school at a certain age then they are going to hear conversations about whether or not Father Christmas is real.

This is all ridiculous and I would just say "OK, thanks for letting me know" and ignore it.

Parents who get involved in minor squabbles between kids are pathetic imho and need to get a life. In my experience, the parents end up not speaking and the kids have made up and are laughing skipping around while parents glare at each other . . . just ignore her or say something like ‘ I’m sure they’ll work it out’.

This is possible, but I can also see that a child with a mother who sees them as the victim of others wrong doing may not be helping them to make friends, and perhaps ‘rude’ and ‘horrid’ are the sort of things mum says about children that DD has disagreements with…